Gratitude: Short and Sweet
The more gratitude you shine on something, the bigger and better it becomes. Happy Thanksgiving!
For more thorough thoughts on gratitude, go here: http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?cat=24
Getting the Love You Deserve
If you are asking the question, “Do I deserve love?” then you probably were treated as if you didn’t at some point in your life, most likely during your childhood. You were born deserving love- every one of us was. If you did not get that love, for whatever reason, then you sustained a tragic injury. The way to heal that injury is to learn how to love yourself. The more you are able to love yourself, the more you are able to accept the love of others.
Learning to love yourself is hard work, because in order to do so, you have to accept the parts of yourself that you’ve rejected for your entire life. You’ve rejected them because someone else did at a time when you were young and fragile. That rejection was so painful, you resolved that you would do whatever it took to avoid feeling that pain again. You decided that whatever part of you was “causing” this rejection was ugly, undesirable, and bad.
To heal the rejected parts of yourself, it is important to understand that you did nothing to cause the rejection. There were no ugly, undesirable, or bad parts, and there aren’t any now, either. You are feeling the pain of an injury, and that injury needs gentle attention rather than more beatings from you. Start by noticing which qualities you dislike in yourself, that you are sure no one else could possibly love. Now you have a roadmap- learn to accept these qualities as unique and lovable, and you are on your way to accepting that you deserve love.
For more on deserving love, go here.
Worrying about being “That” Person
How often have you wanted to do something, but were afraid to because you wouldn’t want to be “that” sort of person? Perhaps you want a little more attention from your partner, but are afraid to ask, because you don’t want to be that self-absorbed, narcissistic attention hog. Maybe you want to ask for a raise at work, but you don’t want to be the asshole who thinks that they are better than everyone else.
As soon as you start limiting your actions based on fears about being “that person” you are no longer acting from your own instinct or desire. You are allowing this imagined person to dictate your actions: whatever the attention hog or asshole would do, you are going to do the opposite. You don’t ask for the attention or the raise, and no one notices that you want one or the other: you sure showed those jerks!
The other thing that is happening when you forgo an action based on this sort of thinking is that you are missing a signal from yourself that is telling you what you actually want to do. Every time you say, “Well, I wouldn’t want to be THAT person, so I am not going to do such-and-such,” you are actually feeling something much different. What you are actually feeling is probably more along the lines of, “Wow, I really want to do such-and-such, but I am afraid that people will think I am a narcissist or an asshole.”
If you can catch yourself worrying about being that person, you have a golden opportunity to make a great change in your life. You now know two things: you want a certain thing, and you are afraid that if you ask for it, you will be judged by someone. Allow yourself to feel the desire you are having. Notice the story you are telling yourself about “that” person you don’t want to be. Try to figure out just who you are afraid is judging you. From here, you can start to unravel the truth of your situation from your fears about it.
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment
Many people struggle with the silent treatment as a form of conflict in relationship. The dynamic tends to be as follows: one person withdraws attention from the other, who then responds by trying to get their partner to break their silence. The more the recipient of the silent treatment attempts to break their partner’s silence, the more the giver of the silent treatment gets the attention they want, the more silent they become, and a vicious cycle has begun.
So, how does one break the vicious cycle? It depends on which side of the dynamic you are on. On both sides, it is tempting to respond from a place of pain, and find ways to make your partner feel that pain. This only feeds the cycle, because you are still focusing your attention on that person.
If you are getting the silent treatment, you need attention, and the only person who can give it to you is yourself. The best thing to do is to notice how much you are ignoring yourself by trying to get your partner to see you. You don’t have to play the same game. You can say whatever it is you need to say, then focus on yourself and tend to your wounds. Notice how much focus you still want to give your partner when you hope they notice that you are focusing on yourself, and let that thought go. Keep focusing on your own pain, find your own means of soothing yourself, and do your best to not make this process about your partner and how much of a jerk they are being. The point is to disengage, not to engage further by giving the silent treatment back at your partner.
If you are giving the silent treatment, because it is a habit you learned, and you want to figure out how to disengage, you are likely going to have to face some vulnerable feelings. While you are giving the silent treatment, notice what sort of thoughts you are having. How much attention are you actually giving your partner during this time, hoping that they will feel hurt by your silence? You are also ignoring yourself if you are sitting there silently punishing your partner. Use this time to really explore what it is that is upsetting you. Find out just what it is you hope that the silent treatment will accomplish. Know that speaking will be much more effective in communicating your specific needs and desires.
A relationship is a dynamic between emotional equals. Even abusive relationships involve an abuser matched with a person who believes that they don’t deserve better. It is tempting to break the dynamic down into the black and white world of “right and wrong.” The silent treatment is part of this equation. The best way to change an unfortunate dynamic is to change the part of you that fits the dynamic, rather than try to change your partner.
Update, November 29, 2016: After reading through the comments on this post, I felt like this one wasn’t quite complete, so I have written a sort of Part 2 for it, called Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: an Experiment for You. To read more, go here.
More posts that you may find interesting:
What the Pain of the Silent Treatment May Be Telling You
Posts about the Silent Treatment
Learning to Speak in a New Emotional Language
Is It Okay for Parents to Give the Silent Treatment to their Children?
Handling Conflict by Ignoring the Problem
Update, and Some Thoughts on Fear
It has been quite some time since I’ve written, but I want to say that this blog is not dead! I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus, because I gave birth to my first child recently, and things like this blog are hard to keep up with. I hope to post a thing or two, perhaps sporadically, sometime soonish, though. One thing that is on my mind these days is just how easily we can derail ourselves with fear when we aren’t in control of a situation. It is easy to fill in the blanks of the unknown with disaster scenarios that rarely come to pass. When this happens, our feelings are probably pointing us to a situation that is just not ours to control, rather than imminent disaster. Time to slow down and attend to the feelings, rather than follow them to the crazy place they’d like us to go!
The Silent Treatment vs The Cooling-Off Period
In relationships, not all silence is the Silent Treatment. Sometimes, one partner needs more time and space to think than the other partner does. This is perfectly fine; however, if you are left wondering what your partner’s silence means, then something very important has not been communicated. You should not have to ask the question, “Am I getting the silent treatment, or is my partner cooling off?” If you are asking this question, then it is time to work out a new way for you and your partner to communicate.
It is perfectly legitimate for one partner to need some quiet time to “cool off” after a heated discussion or argument. While it can be frustrating if you are the type of person who wants to hash things out until there is some sense of resolution, your partner may be the type of person who needs time to absorb the content of your discussions. Neither of you are wrong in your desires, but some accommodation is needed from both of you. As hard as it may feel, the person who needs time and space to think still needs to use their words to state their need for a cooling-off period, rather than just withdrawing and expecting to be understood. The person who wants to hash it all out in one sitting needs to sit on their hands a bit while their partner thinks.
Let’s say that you just brought up some issues with your partner that were hard for you to share, but also hard for him or her to hear. The conversation gets heated, and your partner is feeling tempted to clam up and withdraw. Rather than clamming up, your partner might state, “I feel like clamming up right now, and that means that I need some uninterrupted quiet time to think about this.” The two of you can then decide a time to check in about this. If your partner isn’t fully ready at your agreed time, then you both can arrange for another check-in. These check-in times are important, so that you aren’t left dangling on the hook, wondering when your partner plans to break the silence, and your partner isn’t wondering when this time will be interrupted. It is also important that the matter get discussed once your partner has taken the time to think: dropping it altogether is not okay.
If you are the one who is waiting for your partner to think about things, you are very likely to be feeling some anxiety. This is because you are not in control of what is happening, and you can’t influence what your partner is thinking about. You may be having some trust issues- wondering if your partner is blowing you off rather than thinking about things. You may have some abandonment issues because in the past, silence from a partner, or parent, or sibling meant something terrible. All of this anxiety gives you plenty to attend to in yourself. Notice when your attention goes away from your own feelings and into the attempted mind-reading of your partner. Bring your attention back to yourself, over and over again, because only you can attend to the fears and issues you are having in this time.
For more on the silent treatment, please go here:
Is It Okay for Parents to Give the Silent Treatment to Their Children?
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment
Not All Silence is the Silent Treatment
Communicating about Taking Space in a Relationship- An Alternative the the Silent Treatment
The Silent Treatment is About Control (Formerly Titled “Why Do People Give the Silent Treatment?”)
*3/26/2014* This post was originally titled “Why Do People Give the Silent Treatment?” The previous title was not accurate in describing the contents of this post, since this post is really about only one aspect of the silent treatment: control. This post is directed toward the person on the receiving end of the silent treatment and how they can gain a sense of control for themselves. What I haven’t addressed here is why the person giving the silent treatment feels the need to be in control.
I have received feedback from people who give the silent treatment because they feel that it is the only way to keep the peace in a relationship, or because they feel they have no other choice. I address this part of the silent treatment in this new post titled “When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option” and I have partially addressed this dynamic in another post called “Swallowing the Conflict to Keep the Peace.” **
The original post about control begins here:
There are all sorts of motives for and styles of the silent treatment, but they all boil down to one commonality: people give the silent treatment because it gives them a feeling of control over the person they are treating with silence. If you ever got the silent treatment as a child, you can probably remember just how frustrated you got. I can remember getting the silent treatment from my older siblings. I’d get increasingly frustrated, trying hopelessly to get them to break the silence. This only made them more determined to keep silent. I was giving them exactly what they wanted- the loss of control over my frustrated energy. I imagine that it made them feel powerful with very little effort. All they had to do was sit quietly and watch me squirm and get heated, and lose more and more control of myself.
The silent treatment is about control. It only works if the person being given the silent treatment relinquishes control to the one being silent. The more you try to get your partner to break their silence, the more you are allowing yourself to be controlled by him or her, and the less likely it is that they will talk. After all, you are giving them exactly what they want, and you are exposing all of your vulnerability while they expose none of theirs.
As difficult as it may be, it is important not to engage in this dynamic. Give yourself the attention that you are tempted to give to your partner. Let your partner know that you are not willing to try to read his or her mind, but would be glad to talk about whatever the issue is that caused the silent treatment to begin with. The ball is no longer in your court, and it is up to your partner to pick it up. Take your attention away from this dynamic, and focus on your own feelings and needs.
More posts on the Silent Treatment:
When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option
Is It Okay for Parents to Give the Silent Treatment to Their Children?
Communicating about Taking Space in Relationship: An Alternative to the Silent Treatment
Dealing with the Silent Treatment
The Silent Treatment vs The Cooling-Off Period
Swallowing the Conflict to “Keep the Peace”
More posts that may be of interest:
Wanting the Person who Hurt You to Hurt as Much as You Do
Mind-Reading, Guessing Games, and Communication Breakdowns in Relationships
Wanting The Person Who Hurt You to Hurt As Much As You Do
Many TV shows and movies are about revenge. In the general plot of most crime shows, the wrongdoer is not only captured, but the detectives interviewing them make sure to let this person know just what a scumbag he or she is for what they did. Often, there is also some tasteless joke (if the scumbag is a man) about how this person will get raped in prison. In romantic movies, there is something similar. Usually, the main character (usually a woman) is treated poorly by some awful lover, and spends time healing from the experience. Eventually, this main character becomes strong and independent (often opening a shoe or clothing boutique that, puzzlingly, is instantly successful). At some point, the wrongdoing jerk-of-a-lover comes crawling back, only to be rejected and humiliated, because our heroine has moved on. The satisfaction inherent in these movies comes from seeing a wrongdoer getting punished. Even more satisfying is when that wrongdoer realizes what an awful person they have been, and suffers for it.
These shows have so much appeal because in real life, you do not often get this sort of satisfaction when someone has wronged you. Perhaps you grew up in an abusive or neglectful environment. Maybe you were the victim of a crime, or lost a loved one to a drunken driver, or even a murderer. Sometimes, it may be as seemingly small as someone cutting you off in traffic. It seems unfair that you suffered so much at the hands of people who are oblivious to the suffering that they caused you. You may even have a fantasy about seeing them go through the same sort of pain that they inflicted upon you. While this urge is understandable, it is impossible to get another person to feel what you feel. In a small way, you may get some vicarious sense of fulfillment by watching a show where the wrongdoer actually feels the pain of their crime.
If you put your energy and focus into seeking revenge, trying to get the wrongdoer to really understand and feel the pain they caused you, you are unlikely to find the satisfaction that you think that it will give you. You are also giving this person more attention and power than you are giving yourself. Maybe you think that you would finally feel at peace with your loss, and could move on in life. Now you are giving a whole lot of power to an unreliable person, allowing them to dictate whether you can be at peace, whether you can move on and truly live your life.
If someone were to run over your foot, would it make your foot heal any faster if that same person got their foot run over, too? You still need to attend to your crushed foot. In an ideal world, your foot would get the attention and healing it needs, AND the driver who ran it over would apologize and make amends. Sometimes this happens. But if you spend your energy trying to get that person to suffer as much as you are suffering, to feel the same pain you felt, you are more likely to end up with two people who have festering, unattended injuries, and still no closure whatsoever.
New Year’s Evolutions
Today begins another New Year. I have mentioned before that I am not a fan of New Year’s resolutions. They are often hard to commit to, because they are made at an arbitrary, externally given time. It is much easier to make changes when we have reached our own understanding of why such changes are desirable to us. It is not so easy to make a change just because the calendar says that it is a new year. Change truly needs to come from within to be effective.
The turning of the calendar page provides us with a different sort of opportunity, one that is more about our growth, our own evolution in life. Every year, some sort of growth happens in our lives, but we often are so focused on what hasn’t happened yet, that we forget to look back at the areas in which we’ve grown. New Year’s is a great time to pause and take a good look at how we’ve changed in the past year. What do you know now that you didn’t know a year ago? What challenges have you conquered in the last year? Are there any fears that you have faced that now seem like not such a big deal? If so, then it is a big deal that you now find these things to be not such a big deal! What is in your life now that wasn’t there a year ago? Take time to acknowledge your growth in the last year. It is helpful to write these things down.
Before you switch from looking back on the past year to looking forward to the upcoming year, take some time to appreciate just exactly where you are now. What about your life is just right the way it is? What would you miss if it were taken from you? What do you appreciate in your life this very moment? Are there things about yourself that you enjoy? If you find it difficult to come up with something, start with the simple things that we all take for granted, the things we miss when we are injured or sick, such as lungs that breathe clearly, legs that carry you around, a head that does not hurt, eyes that can see, ears that hear whatever music that turns you on, or teeth that chew your food painlessly.
As you switch toward looking forward to the New Year, rather than creating the to-do list of resolutions, think of things you would like to see more of in your life. It could be as simple as picking something you started to learn last year, and want to learn even more. What do you look forward to in the coming year? Imagine looking back on the changes in your life a year from now, and write down what those changes might be. For fun, write a letter to your future self for next year, describing life as it is now, and what your curiosities, fears, excitements about this year might be. Fold that letter up, and don’t open it until next New Year’s. If today, you do find yourself ready for some changes, write what they are, and come up with a plan to get help in making those changes. However it is you decide to celebrate, ponder, or just recover- I wish you a Happy New Year!