Political Discussions, Relationship Discussions
Right now is a very charged and tense time in our country. The election is drawing rapidly near, and it seems that the country is again split in half. The candidates are calling each other names, and we are being inundated with negative ads. Tensions are running high between people who hold opposing political views. Rational and respectful discussion often goes out the window during election season. The reason for this is that both sides just want to win.
Sometimes, we treat conflict in relationships as if we are running for political office. Wanting to win is fine if you are running for president- it is the point, actually. But there is no prize for “winning” a relationship argument. Trying to win ends up hurting the relationship. All relationships involve a bit of conflict, because all relationships involve two people from different realities trying to live, love, work together. As soon as one or both partners assign “right” or “wrong” to the differences between each other, then conflict becomes about winning.
A first step in the direction of healthy conflict resolution is to remove the desire to win the argument, and ask yourself, “What is my intention here?” Maybe you want your partner to know that your feelings were hurt by something she did. Let’s say she made plans with friends when she knew you had planned a special evening together. If you say, “You are so inconsiderate and selfish. You never think of me,” this will quickly become a battle between the two of you, each trying to win the argument over whether or not your partner is selfish and inconsiderate. No matter who “wins” this battle, your hurt feelings never actually get expressed or addressed.
Instead of taking the character assassination approach, you might say something like, “I thought that we’d agreed to have a special evening, and I was looking forward to it. When you made plans with your friends instead, I felt hurt and rejected and felt as if I’m not very important to you.” There’s nothing to argue with here- you had feelings, and now you’ve made them known. It’s not as if your partner can say, “No, you didn’t feel hurt and rejected.” Nor are you saying, “I’m not important to you.” You are saying that you felt a certain way when your partner did what she did. From here, if you can both agree to speak from how each of you feels, rather than try to convince the other to feel a certain way, you’ve got the potential for a satisfying relationship discussion
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This all sounds so rational here but i have to admit that it is so much harder than this to practice this in real life! I am in a relationship that always feels like a competition- I know that this is not healthy and I do want it to get better but that is just the way it is right now. I would probably shock my partner into cardiac arrest the next time we have a disagreement if I pulled one of these lines with him! It has always been about who can get in the last word or that last dig at the other that I am afraid if I turned it all around now neither of us would know how to react to one another! But I am going to give this a try. The way things are currently going there cannot be that much left to lose anyway. This is a relationship that I am willing to fight a little longer for but it is never going to make it if he and I do not do something to modify how we treat one another. This is exactly what we need- a way to communicate that does not get the other riled up and in defense mode. I hope it works and better yet that I am willing to stick with it. Hopefully he will model my behavior as we work through this together.