The Silent Treatment vs The Cooling-Off Period
In relationships, not all silence is the Silent Treatment. Sometimes, one partner needs more time and space to think than the other partner does. This is perfectly fine; however, if you are left wondering what your partner’s silence means, then something very important has not been communicated. You should not have to ask the question, “Am I getting the silent treatment, or is my partner cooling off?” If you are asking this question, then it is time to work out a new way for you and your partner to communicate.
It is perfectly legitimate for one partner to need some quiet time to “cool off” after a heated discussion or argument. While it can be frustrating if you are the type of person who wants to hash things out until there is some sense of resolution, your partner may be the type of person who needs time to absorb the content of your discussions. Neither of you are wrong in your desires, but some accommodation is needed from both of you. As hard as it may feel, the person who needs time and space to think still needs to use their words to state their need for a cooling-off period, rather than just withdrawing and expecting to be understood. The person who wants to hash it all out in one sitting needs to sit on their hands a bit while their partner thinks.
Let’s say that you just brought up some issues with your partner that were hard for you to share, but also hard for him or her to hear. The conversation gets heated, and your partner is feeling tempted to clam up and withdraw. Rather than clamming up, your partner might state, “I feel like clamming up right now, and that means that I need some uninterrupted quiet time to think about this.” The two of you can then decide a time to check in about this. If your partner isn’t fully ready at your agreed time, then you both can arrange for another check-in. These check-in times are important, so that you aren’t left dangling on the hook, wondering when your partner plans to break the silence, and your partner isn’t wondering when this time will be interrupted. It is also important that the matter get discussed once your partner has taken the time to think: dropping it altogether is not okay.
If you are the one who is waiting for your partner to think about things, you are very likely to be feeling some anxiety. This is because you are not in control of what is happening, and you can’t influence what your partner is thinking about. You may be having some trust issues- wondering if your partner is blowing you off rather than thinking about things. You may have some abandonment issues because in the past, silence from a partner, or parent, or sibling meant something terrible. All of this anxiety gives you plenty to attend to in yourself. Notice when your attention goes away from your own feelings and into the attempted mind-reading of your partner. Bring your attention back to yourself, over and over again, because only you can attend to the fears and issues you are having in this time.
For more on the silent treatment, please go here:
Is It Okay for Parents to Give the Silent Treatment to Their Children?
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment
Not All Silence is the Silent Treatment
Communicating about Taking Space in a Relationship- An Alternative the the Silent Treatment
21 comments
Permalink4
Yup, the silent treatment destroyed my marriage. Marriage counselor had me give him space to think but he was suppose to comeback and restart the conversation. Not once was he able to do that. So yeah, the people that give the silent treatment should think twice about doing that. Do they really want to keep their marriage? There is this book titled Why marriages succeed and fail. Silent Treatment is the most damaging.
Permalink5
I myself have lived with a man for 22 years who using the silent treatment. It has lasted up to 7 weeks at some points. Over the years – I would not know when the next silent treatment would begin. It’s January 12, 2011 (the next silent treatment has begun) The last silent treatment was in October. I’m starting to feel the pattern of when I (according to him) do this to myself. You think I would walk away from him? I’m so frustrated – I don’t know what to do anymore. I have read numerous articles regarding the silent treatment – so I am well aware that is is a form of emotional abuse! He thinks I’m the one that crazy? Oh god – here we go again.
Permalink6
This requires maturity for both parties. I am with someone who gives the silent treatment. When I am quiet about something, she assumes I am giving her the silent treatment. Once on the phone, she was cussing and screaming at me and I told her unless she started speaking nicely to me, I was going to hang up and would not talk to her unless we could have a civil conversation and she’d speak to me with respect. She claimed I was giving her the silent treatment then which I was not. Those who give the silent treatment tend to not understand when someone is simply “cooling off”. I respond maturely and always with respect. If I get quiet, I’m not doing it to hurt her. She needs to mature and realize what I’m doing.
Permalink7
Ok, I receive the silent treatment i would say every other day. never lasting for more than the day itself. but literally after reading this article, i said “I’m sorry. Just text or call me when you feel like it and have fun today.” that line completely stopped her from being silent towards me. I’m not sure if anyone else has found a “cure” to their silent treatment, but from what i get out of this is that if you just accept the silent treatment from your partner, they see that it isn’t “Bugging” you per say. I would definitely recommend trying this out to see if it works and if not, just know that your not the one with the problem. Not saying that its all the partner’s fault, but they obviously want you to feel as if you are the weak one. Stay strong in your mind and know that there are thousands and thousands every day who have to deal with this. From what i understand it makes the person giving the silent treatment feel that they have Priority and Dominance in the relationship. Don’t let them see that it effects you like it does and it won’t last as long. Hope this helps others as much as it helped me.
Permalink8
What about a very young relationship – just over a month? We had our first tiff 3 days back since he stood me up and didn’t let me know while I waited for him to turn up – hungry and tired. Then after a couple of text messages and a voicemail – all of which were absolutely nice and sweet – he rang back to let me know he couldn’t make it. The plan was his in the first place & I exploded. I had cut short my program with friends and get back home on time. He’s looking for work for the past 3 weeks and drinking heavily to deal…financially he’s in strife too so I understand his predicament but still I was very hurt and said a few nasty things to him. The next morning I apologised. He didn’t respond. I had a house party later that evening and when my friends arrived I left an excited voicemail telling him we were expecting him. Nothing. The whole day y’day nothing. Today so far nothing. I know he’s hurt but this silent treatment is making me wonder if he’s breaking up with me or merely needs time and space. In this kind of a situation what should one do? Thanks in advance – some advice will be highly appreciated! Am being told to sit quitely and wait for him to come around but this wait is killing me. At least if he can let me know what his intentions are I can relax but I don’t want to push either.
Permalink9
He just texted me and told me he’s been suffering from gastro the entire time. So I texted him back and told him to get well soon – to have heaps of water and rest up. To that he responded and asked me if I am STILL pissed off with him. I told him my anger had dissipated by Saturday – that I don’t stay angry for long and that I knew I was wrong in reacting the way I did and hence the sincere apology. I told him I am hurt though by the silent treatment. He has responded telling me that ‘silent treatment couldn’t be avoided’ because he was sick and that he will make it upto me. I will watch him and see if he does this again…and then have a proper conversation telling him that he needs to at least inform me before he goes quite…not nice to be on the receiving end wondering what happened…!!
Permalink10
Hi , I am not sure if I am giving silent treatment or if I have become silent. I got married a year ago and since then its like all hell has broken loose. This is my second marriage. I feel like running away. His family is there everyweekend. My husband does not communicate any happenings with me. I am always last to find out. He is also a compulsive gambler . He says that no one can change him and whatever I say he is not listening. i recently tried to confront him again about his value system and he just avoided the subject. so i have just become silent. He never sits me down to discuss things , i always here about it in a one liner or in conversation. I really have become so silent that when i get home , all i want to do is cook, see to kids, shower and go straight to bed. I feel dissapointed in him and his mother who he worships . So can someone please tell me what to do.
I did suffer from depression previoulsy and was on antdepresants and brain relaxants about 7 years ago. I stopped in 2008.
Permalink11
I feel just like Livian, only I’m the husband. My wife worships her mommy, and does everything for her. And her friends, and I’m the last to know. I’m the last man on the totem pole, I’m the one in the back of the bus, and I’m the next in line to order only to be told “back of the line hubby” Your not important enough to get my attention
Permalink12
Every time we have an argument he says mean things and I don’t talk to him because I am hurt and he does not talk because I think it is a control thing for him. He never says sorry and I always tuck my tail between my legs and start some kind of conversation after days of not talking. I don’t know how to live with some one and not speak for days. HELP , please!
Permalink13
It is good to know that I am not alone.
My husband used to give me the silent treatment and it took years for him to open up and not to do it but when he started not giving me the silent treatment I found out how angry and upset he was for a few days. Now I am thinking okay I take the silent treatment back.
Atleast I don’t have to deal with his nagging and complains. I just have to focus on my needs and take of myself for a few days.
Permalink14
My male friend has been giving me the silent treatment for over a month now. This is the third time he has done this, but the prior two times did not go on for nearly as long. This one started last month when we had an argument and he suddenly said that he didn’t think we were a good match for each other, but that he wanted to remain friends with me for a long time to come. We live 1,500 miles apart, and I know the distance has been bothering him. I said some hurtful things to him during that argument, and he hasn’t said a word to me since. I began to wonder if his silence indicated that he no longer wished to remain friends with me and wanted me out of his life completely. However, I’ve been very confused about what his wishes are because he refuses to delete me as a friend on Facebook, even after I texted him several times telling him he was free to delete me if he no longer wanted anything to do with me. He even continues to let me post on his wall and tag him in photos or posts. I have also asked him several times to please tell me if he never wants to hear from me ever again or if he is just taking a break for awhile like he did before. I told him that if he tells me he never wants to hear from me again then I will honor his wishes and quietly delete his number and Facebook, no drama or hard feelings. But he won’t tell me ANYTHING!!! So how am I supposed to know what to do or expect?!?! ALL of the other men I have ever known on my life have ALWAYS flat out told me not to speak to them anymore and have deleted me from their Facebook and instant messengers when they wanted to part ways. This guy won’t give me a single clue as to what is up!! He ignores me completely while refusing to delete me from his stuff even after I told him to!!!! I have blown up at him twice since then and said some very nasty things to him out of frustration, which he doesnt respond to. I was also recently admitted to graduate school in his area, so that there will be no more physical distance between us. He is aware of this news because I told him. I have told him several times that once I move there, we WILL run into each other at some point and I don’t want there to have to be any awkwardness or bad blood between us. I told him I would really like for us to be able to say Hello and make small talk. Again, no response. For someone who always said that he hates drama, he sure seems to want there to be plenty of drama between us after I relocate to his area!! I finally gave up and deleted him from my Facebook last night. I just can’t stand the stress and heartache anymore. I’m wondering if this ongoing silent treatment is just his way of punishing me for texting him too much like the other two silent treatments were. He has indicated that I text him way too much, so could this be his way of asserting control over that??
Permalink16
What about the silent treatment that never starts with an argument? The silent treatment I get is usually after doing some task or thing with the best intentions in my heart, but I make a mistake. For example, to help this morning, I accidentally put her things in the wrong bag for work and she needed them so she had to waste an hour going home to get them. No argument, etc. When she realized she did not have them and I admitted that I was the one that put them in the wrong bag, the silent treatment just started, even after many apologies. She was so angry she would not look at me. She dropped me off at work and that was hours ago. Is it really cooling off when there never was an argument?
Permalink17
The Silent Treatment maybe a way to cool off the other side. But if your other half told you they need some space and time to think back on your relationship, then you should honor their wish. Because believe me, if you try to fight back because of being afraid they will leave you, then you are just making it worse than ever. The Silent Treatment can last very long, as in my situation, it is still lasting till today, it has been somewhat one whole year long, and we haven’t talked to each other. But still, I don’t blame her for what she did. This Silence to me can get longer, but that’s ok with me. I believe she will understand what I’m trying to do.
To the people out there who are facing the Silent Treatment, you should accept it, let them have their time, respect what they want. After all, it’s you whose wishes they honor at the first time when you say you love them, then don’t be nagging, don’t be frustrated. Wait in patience and you wil surely receive the worth of your patience in waiting. Hang in there!
Permalink18
I have a question. My wife sometimes claims she needs a cooling off period in certain situations. However, it goes on for days at a time, and causes me a lot of pain and anxiety and makes me feel worthless and insignificant. I am undecided between whether this is a genuine cooling off period, or whether my wife is intentionally causing me pain. I have a hard time believing that my wife would intentionally hurt me like this, but maybe I am just naive. Right now I am in the middle of one of these so-called cooling off periods. There is no end in sight. Is there any way I can determine that what is really going on is her giving me the silent treatment?
Permalink19
Wow a year is a long time…I would assume it is over.
I find it mentally abusive. I got the I need space talk cuz he went away for work.
However as a woman I wanted detail and bothered him on and off for a month because I basically wanted to understand what changed and more importantly how long I am supposed to wait for him ..obviously im not going to wait around forever while somebody needs to think and decide what they want.
Everytime I tried for a month on and off to get a ecplanation it was either silence or the we will talk later and never would. I finally started texting/calling feeling like a stalker asking what I was supposed to do he says move on without me and cuz hes gettin in trouble he got pissed n broke up with me.
Now I contacted 2 more times because I needed closure and all I get is the silent treatment. I just cant deal mentally with no closure so it took longer to get over here. So I have been keeping to myself for about 2 weeks and counting. This is so immature and I really wonder if people who do this really just have no feeligs for the person in the first place.
Permalink20
I think my gf is giving me a silent treatment by asking me to stop contacting her for two weeks. This happened after we returned from vacation where we had some arguments.
Whenever we have a fight she will stop contacting me, not responding to texts and calls. She also said she has a bf somewhere and suddenly have no feelings towards me. She would also said something mean such as dont contact her for the rest of her life.
We totally stopped contacting each other for two years after a heated argument.
Permalink21
Silent treatment is the worst thing a person who claims to truly love you can do to you. You literally feel like their love is merely words than actions. No matter how many great memories you have had, silent treatment robs all that away. Relationship is like a glass and silent treatment is like a crack in the glass. You can never fix the crack in the glass. I don’t know how people can do that if they love someone. Just shutting yourself from the person with whom you have spent such good times with. It all starts to seem fake as more time passes with silent treatment. You start wondering, “Was it all just infatuation then?” “We probably never loved each other” “I was thinking from my heart and not my head and I realize it was a blunder to invest so much in this relationship”
You learn to accept this sort of treatment because there really is nothing else you can do about it. And honestly, even if you patch up, the feeling of how terribly you were ignored by the person who you once claimed to love you so dearly, becomes unforgettable.
Negativity has so much more power than positivity.
One negative incident of bad treatment from your significant other can ruin what you thought to be so perfect.