Is it Okay for Parents Give the Silent Treatment to Children?
As I’ve mentioned before, I like to look at the search terms people use to find this site. I’ve noticed that people regularly search about whether to give their children the silent treatment. I have a very strong opinion about this, and feel that parents should never give their children the silent treatment. To avoid confusion, let me describe what I mean by the silent treatment, versus other forms of silence. The silent treatment is a form of punishment with the intent to inflict pain on the person that you are giving it to, and it is done with no communication as to why it is happening, how long it will last, or what the receiver of the silent treatment can do to stop it. This is different than giving your child clear consequences to a behavior (such as a well-defined time-out), or not engaging with your child who is mid-tantrum.
Giving your child the silent treatment means that you are punishing them in a manner that inflicts pain, that you are suddenly not speaking to them without telling them why, and that they have no defined way to get you to speak to them again. This is painful and terrifying for a child. In their minds, you have disappeared and all attempts to get you to reappear are not working. They have no idea why this has happened. It is terrifying because a child cannot survive without a parent or caregiver. The silent treatment sends a message to your child that they are not safe in the world, that their provider may or may not be available to them at any given time, for no apparent reason.
If you are considering punishing your child with the silent treatment, then it is time to step back and examine your emotions. Are you feeling angry with your child? Anger is inevitable- parenting is a difficult job, but feeling the anger is one thing, acting on it is another. It is okay to feel angry, and it is hard work to feel that anger without taking it out on your child. The first step is acknowledging and accepting that you are feeling angry, and that you are so angry that you want to hurt your child. You are less likely to act on an emotion if you are aware of it in the first place. The next step is finding out what you need to do to keep yourself from hurting your child. If you find you are unable figure this out, then it is time to ask for help, whether it is from your spouse, a therapist, a minister, a relative, a friend. Find someone you trust and ask for help. Taking this step may feel difficult, but it will save your child and yourself from an unmeasurable amount of pain in the future.
More articles that may interest you:
When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option
32 comments
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And in the meantime, if you find yourself wanting to give the silent treatment to your kid, try breaking the spell by telling them what you are doing. Tell them you are taking a time out to get yourself calm and that you will be back (engaged with them) in X minutes. Set a timer. Then they will know what is happening plus you are modeling self-regulation for them.
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I grew up receiving the ST from my mother while I was a teen and then into my 20s up to presently, sometimes up to a couple of months at a time. We would disagree on something, or she would be stressed about something not involving me and then take it out on me by screaming/yelling/cussing/verbally degrading me, followed by a period of roughly 2-4 days of giving me the ST. Then she would snap out of it an act as if nothing was the matter—no appologies, no discussions on why she was upset or what I did to cause her to give me the ST. I am not sure which is worse–ST or having her say hurtful things. One time she told me she was ashamed to have me be a product of her womb—over something regarding cleanliness. She prides herself, obsesses, about being completely clean, orderly, and perfect. I am more laid-back, keeping a sanitary living condition, but occasionally getting cluttered or disorganized. Nothing worthy of that comment. I feel that I had to share my point of view to give a voice for all of the children who have to live with this growing up. It strips your kids of confidence, security, and a feeling that their parents love them unconditionally. Of course I know my mom loves me, but she does not know how to show it. That makes me feel that she loves me less than what I would expect from a mother. Honestly sometimes I wonder if she does love me at all…or if she even likes me. I want to have a good relationship with her. I give her a hug and tell her that I understand that she is upset while she gives me the ST, but this does not seem to make a difference. There is absoultely no reason to do this to your children. This will damage them for life, because if they do not feel like they are treated well by their own parents, then they will never feel they deserve better from their partners. I was with someone for several years that treated me horribly, but stuck with him because I felt I didn’t deserve better, and honestly he treated me better than my mom at the time, who frequently gave me the ST. Thank god I got out of that relationship, but not without much baggage that led me to further poor choices. I am lucky now that I am engaged to a loving, respectiful, polite and happy person who treats me wonderfully. I fear others in my position may not end up as lucky. Please, please…do not do this to your children. Remind yourself that you love them more than anything, and that whatever is upsetting you now is not worth the pain they receive now from your ST and the broken path they may take because of it. This doesn not only apply to children, but to anyone, especially your spouses … remember, your children model their future relationships on the kind of relationship you have with your spouse. Set them up for sucess and happiness by maturely and opening dealing with issues. Abuse comes in many forms, including silence.
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This is such a great article that really pinpoints how harmful the silent treatment can be. I’ve talked to many children who say they would rather be hit because then at least it’s over and they can move on (as stated in your article, “no communication as to why it is happening, how long it will last, or what the receiver of the silent treatment can do to stop it.”)
There is no question in my mind that this borders on abuse but unfortunately it is not discussed enough and few people really understand how harmful it is, long term.
Thanks for this article. I will share it with others.
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Ellie,
I couldn’t agree with you more. My mother started in with the silent treatment for weeks, beginning when I was 12. She continues to do it today, and I am 44. My dad would just go along with it, so no one spoke to me for weeks at a time. I have two children, and as they get older, it seems to bring all the pain back. I can honestly not imagine how anyone could give the silent treatment to their children. Yell at me, hit me, whatever, at least I would know it was over and done with, but the silent treatment is one of the worst things a parent can do to a child. While I am married to a great man, have a wonderful job, and great kids, I am always worried that someone is mad at me, worried that I have done something wrong, and have always felt like I don’t have any parental figure that I can truly turn to. Do not do this to your children, it will be with them for much longer than that particular time when you were upset and couldn’t deal with it any other way.
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I have compassion for parents who suffer from depression and anxiety and I understand (although I don’t defend) that parents can become frustrated and lose control (again, I don’t defend this). BUT I have never understood how/why our mother used to abuse us via a “schedule.” She would ALWAYS wait until our (alcoholic) father left the house on Saturday mornings before she beat us and her regular use of the silent treatment also followed a “schedule.” She would ALWAYS ignore us until dinner on the third day. Always. It was her premeditation – with an almost predatory-like quality – that I have never understood. To me, true emotion (even in a destructive form) just IS. It does not adhere to schedules and follow set routines. I understand how a parent could spontaneously “fly off the handle,” but I don’t understand how an emotional parent can manage to selectively CHOOSE how and when to abuse. The sounds like a form of sadism on the part of the parent. Who schedules a tantrum? Who schedules a silent treatment?
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my first memory, when I was two, was of my mom giving me the silent treatment for a few days because she saw me picking my nose. For the rest of my life, I’d say 80% of the time she would give me the silent treatment as a form of punishment for every little thing. She also disowned me a few times when I was a young teen for other absolutely silly stuff & I wasn’t allowed to call her “mom” she said. I was a good girl. Never cussed, drank, had boyfriends, had sex, partied, wore bad clothes & I got decent grades but she always found some excuse to give me the silent treatment. My dad just went along with it & never took it seriously although I often cried growing up. I was very sad & lonely but I tried not to show it. A lot of times though I uncontrollably cried & they saw but did nothing.
I’m only 21 now but I can already say from a psychological perspective I’m hurt. I’m unable to enter into any kind of relationships with people whether it’s intimidate or just friendly. I’m also unable to understand and express my feelings of love. Whenever I find myself feeling affection towards someone I can’t help but to reflexively force myself to ignore it like it is a bad thing because I’m afraid. Unfortunately, my therapist has been unable to help me but she thinks that my upbringing is to blame for my emotional problems. My mom still refuses to believe that she raised me wrong.
When I look back on my growing years I was a very innocent & cute girl but, unfortunately, no one really seemed to show me any love. My mom knew that I had few friends & had no one to talk to so she took away her love as punishment. A few months before I moved out I told my mom that I had been very depressed for years but instead of comforting me she, yet again, just gave me the silent treatment. Now I despise her for what she has done to me. How she tried to break me down and used love as a weapon against an innocent little girl. How dare she!
For any parents reading this & considering using the silent treatment frequently as punishment. Please, please don’t do it. It hurt’s the heart.
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I’ve been doing research on this bc my best friend seems to be going through it. I thought it was only gonna last a few days bc I’ve never experienced any parent do this to their child. Come to find out this isn’t the first time this has happen to her. I had a feeling this is psychologically harmful and wrong from many aspects and I believe I’m right I’ve read these comments and it reminds me of her life in many relations but with its own twists. I have one concern, since its psychological would reversing it help or make matters worse. Like if she can move out and not talk to then in return give them ST like a taste of their own medicine.
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I disagree. if a child, in my case my 12 year old daughter does not listen time and time again, the pleading, the heart to hearts. What else can a frustrated (single) parent do to get through?? are we not also people with feelings? sometimes silent treatment is needed. you can’t smack your children and nothing is getting through. So what are we supposed to do? pull our hair out and wait for the ambulance to escort us to the closest psychiatric ward? every child, every situation and every parent is different so please do not for a second try to label the silent treatment as abuse!!!!!!!!!!
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I can identify with nearly everyone here. I was given the ST as a child and STILL get it to this day, from my mother (I am almost 45) As a child, it made me an emotional wreck, and as an adult, the pain is even greater. Dad would/does speak to me when mum was/is not around. Otherwise he has to go along with her. It breaks me down into an emotional, tearful mess (in private).
For instance just now, I am being ignored because SHE blamed ME for something I NEVER did Of course I was on the defensive! But when I was adamant I was innocent, she began her inane singing on top of my voice, then ignoring me completely.
This will go on for days (It’s day THREE now) I have cried so much my eyes look like red puff-balls, and I can’t stop the tears. It’s worse for me because I had to move back home to help care for my invalid dad. He talks to me, but doesn’t when mum is around I have no siblings to turn to for support.
I feel the silent treatment (or Being Ignored – as I call it) is one of the worst forms of abuse. It has scarred me emotionality throughout my childhood and adult life. I was once told that my mother displays narcissistic behaviour.
Lola – It is obvious YOU have NEVER suffered from the effects of Parental ST – because IF you HAD your views would be quite different. IF you proceed to give your 12 year old daughter the ST on a regular basis as punishment – then she COULD well end up emotionally scarred for life – as I have been. If that is not abuse – then I must be missing the point.
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If only I could link this post to my mom. I find ST very immature and its not something a 40+yrold should do. Ever since I was in 6th Grade, I’ve always felt that I’m ready to leave this family without any nostalgic feelings. I’ve had enough of this immature family.
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I am an adult child of a father with Paranoid Personality Disorder. These descriptions of the silent treatment fit my reality for my entire childhood. I am 31 now, and for the first time ever have set boundaries after my father ignored my calls for days and then finally called and said demeaning, hurtful things and then hung up. I am married to a wonderful man and we have a sweet little boy that I want to keep from the abuse I suffered as a child. After years of healthy relationships in my life I am finally able to see how unhealthy my relationship with my dad was and is and am getting counseling to unravel the damage my father did to me as a child/adolescent. My mother died after a long battle with a terminal illness when I was in 7th grade. I was an only child, left all alone with my emotionally abusive, mentally ill father, but nobody took the abuse seriously because it was never physical or sexual.
I struggled in school, with friendships, with depression and suicidal thoughts because I was always waiting for the next thing that would cause him to stop speaking to me. I felt worthless and took the blame for things that were not wrong just so he would stop ignoring me. I would apologize desperately for things like slamming the car door “too hard” or failing to wash the dishes without being asked to. For not being a “loving daughter” to him. It destroyed me. He would stop speaking for days or weeks at a time and offer no emotional comfort for anything. Most of the time I didn’t even know what I did wrong until I poked at him long enough that he exploded and said something sarcastic, demeaning, sexist etc…, and then he usually proceeded to give me more ST until one day he would “forgive me” and everything was fine again. No apology for his behavior, I just learned to take it, and I eventually believed it was my fault.
I still struggle with low self-esteem, a very critical inner voice, depression, anxiety and trust issues, but I have begun the healing process and am seeing a wonderful counselor through my church. I am getting ready to write a letter to my dad that will likely alienate him for the rest of my life. I am learning to be ok with this, to mourn the loss of what I believed was a good relationship with him that was no more than me successfully keeping the peace because I moved out at 18 and had less opportunity to offend him. I am working to understand what happened and to heal. I’m not there yet, but I am hopeful and so thankful for my husband (who was also abused) but is nothing like my dad. We are healing together and I am also thankful that we can end the cycle with our children. If you are reading this and identify then I hope you feel less alone like I did when I read similar stories and can have hope that we’re on this journey together.
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I grew up with two siblings – a sister 9 years older and a brother 2.5 years younger. My mother is a steamroller. My dad was passive aggressive.
My father routinely used silent treatment across the board with the entire family. None of us would know what the trigger was. My mom would say – let it roll off your back. How does a 7 year old do that?
I grew up on a farm, so neighbors (other farmers) would stop for coffee at random times. If my dad was in a silent treatment phase, the following type of interaction would happen. The neighbor would knock. My dad would go to the door and interact like he had been talking to us all along.
The neighbor would sit down at the table. My dad would ask us kids or my mom to get the can of cookies and some coffee. It was like watching an academy award performance. The bite of silence was replaced by pleasantness. He’d even talk at us. Like the silence just prior to the neighbor appearing hadn’t happened.
The visit would end and before the door would shut after the neighbor left, the pleasantness drained from his face and the silent switch was turned back on.
It might be days or weeks later when he would walk in from chores and be talking like nothing had happened. No resolution whatsoever for why the treatment had occurred.
My sister, brother and I became very compliant children. My brother rebelled more, I guess. My sister and I became ultra competent at whatever we do.
One lady mentioned that she uses the silent treatment when she can’t get compliance from her children. Please work with a therapist to figure out better strategies to deal with your children’s behavior. Silence is pain beyond words.
I’m just divorced after being married 18 years. Not much boat rocking. We lived with our heads in the sand. I have been doing a lot of deep recovery work over the silence I experienced. I fear rejection deeply. I learned to not share anything – opinions, feelings, what not because of that conditional love I got as a kid.
I’m slowly building a network of people who accept me as I am. It’s scary to be vulnerable. I’m awake more than I was and learning how to be real has been painful. My husband liked our marriage the best when I was at rock bottom.
I was a compliant, people pleaser with very loose boundaries. I didn’t know how to have healthy boundaries because I didn’t deserve them – that’s what it felt like I was told. Learning to set boundaries has been hard. I knuckled under and caved in on whatever my now ex-husband wanted. He wasn’t aware I was doing that as I often ‘made nice’ to ensure he thought I was cool with it.
When he asked for a divorce, I made it happen. The difference though is that I got my own lawyer to ensure my interests were protected. He chose to represent himself out of cheapness and he also knew I would be fair. My lawyer and I wrote the mda in a way that he would be most pleased. She did at my request. She didn’t approve at times. I didn’t care.
I’ve grown a lot due to some major work. Parents don’t realize the devastating effects on attachments that the silent treatment can cause.
My dad was emotionally strangled. I see that now. As a child, it’s not my job to raise my father. My mother steamrolled and covered for him. They were friendly to people and yet cold to us kids.
None of my extended family was terribly warm. Friendly, Midwestern farmer types who would give you the sorts off their backs but not want to know you.
I desire authenticity in relationships. I discovered the web site http://www.outofthefog.net and searched for ‘silent treatment’ there. Excellent resource for anyone with of dealing with others having various personality disorders.
I don’t condone what my parents did about the silent treatment but the buck stops there. I’m responsible for changing it now that I’m an adult. I’m in a better place despite my recent divorce. My recovery has been hard. And it’s been worth the work.
To me, the silent treatment is best represented by Edvard Munch’s painting The Scream. It is in silence.
If parents are considering the silent treatment as a discipline method, do get help to figure out what might be more effective. Raising children is a hair raising experience. Is raising your child about them being compliant and you being in control? If it is, then find some help to learn how to more effectively parent and to reduce your stress. Please. Your child’s future is at risk.
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Ahh, yes: The Silent Treatment. I grew up with a walking Cluster B “Mother” who alternated between fits of terrifying rage and The Silent Treatment. My “famous last words” 😉 as a child were, “I’m SORRY Mommy!” (for what ever it was I had allegedly done which I was never made aware of so I could remediate it) and “Mom? Are you mad at me?” “NO!” she’d hiss and slam doors, cupboards etc., her heels click-click-clicking in unabashed anger as she strutted away, head held high deigning not to speak to me, my older sister or my Dad for anywhere from days to weeks.
And suddenly, without rhyme or reason, she would start speaking as if The Silent Treatment *never even happened* a la the ad for “Serve Pro.” Her “displeasure” was terrifying. The fights between my older (by 26 mo.) sister and my “Mother” were so epic, Dad bought them both to a psychiatrist for a consult-this was in the early ’60’s. The psychiatrist told Dad, “They need to be seperated-they’re TOO MUCH ALIKE” (my emphasis.) Smart shrink, especially for those days.
My sister was then enrolled in a very prestigious boarding school further increasing her sense of Entitlement as she was socializing and being educated with other affluent, well-connected wealthy families. She escaped a great deal of the on-going abuse all of which was inflicted on me as the remaining child and “The Last Great Hope for This Family.” As a result I was further terrorized and abused by my CB “Mother” who firmly believed it was *everyone ELSE* who was responsible for any problems in our family or her own behavior.
I well remember being beat to my knees by my mother with a trowel in her hands as I was coming back “home” from my high school sophomore year Geometry state regents exam. She was waiting to ambush me in one of “her gardens” (we HAD gardeners.) After demanding to know how I’d done, I told her I wasn’t sure I had done as well as I had the previous year on my Algebra regents exam when I received a 99-not “perfect.” I was on my knees trying to cover my head and neck from the blows of her trowel sobbing, “I’m sorry mom, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry!” I knew she would never love me just as well as I knew there WAS NO ESCAPE from her predations. Learned Helplessness in action. This was followed by weeks of The Silent Treatment, even when the grades came out. I was NEVER “good enough.” EVER. There wasn’t a snowball’s CHANCE this woman would EVER acknowledge SHE was the source of the on-going friction and abuse behind closed doors (and continued until I terminated the relationship as an adult) as well as the extreme discord both within her family and that which she caused in the community at large. By the time of her physical death, she left a trail of carnage that was stunning in it’s chronicity, severity and without any vestige of personal responsibility or conscience on her part. She NEVER sought assistance of any kind, always presenting herself as “The Victim” when the reality was, she was the Predator and Instigator of so much pain and discord for so many.
In my experience, The Silent Treatment is used in conjunction with other forms of abuse of children and their spouses/SO’s. Please note, I said, “In MY experience” OK? I terminated the relationship with my CB “Mother” decades ago, long before the internet, PCs, the self-help industry etc. I’m an old widow now, had a wonderful DH (who died leaving me a widow at 38) and a very successful life over all DESPITE my CB “Mother.” (NO, I’m not engaging in Euphoric Recall when I speak of my late DH.) Old does NOT men “Wise” by any stretch-it just means I’ve had a lot of life experience, that’s all. I have been an extremely fortunate woman in too many ways to count DESPITE her. By the end of my CB “Mother’s physical life, she had successfully blown up her own family, other families/individuals and failed at every.single.major role obligation of adult life. Dad finally divorced her 4 mo. post a massive MI from which he was not expected to recover at age 65 and started his life over. *That’s* some COURAGE, IMO. Fortunately, I did not have a “Dish Rag Dad.”
I have never regretted my decision to terminate the relationship with my CB “Mother.” She died a long, slow, painful metaphorical death to me. Let me be very clear here: When you expropriate a childhood from a child *for what EVER “reason,*” you have stolen that which can NEVER be restored. EVER.
The vestiges of growing up with a parent who engages in such “punishments” as The Silent Treatment remain with us as Adult Children; we’re anxious, as another commenter observed, “People Pleasers” and are essentially set up for further exploitation/abuse as adults. Bruises fade. Broken bones mend. Burns scar over. It is the psychological abuse such as The Silent Treatment which leave the longest, unseen Legacy.
The parents who read these pages appear to be seeking assistance-and are undoubtedly, the antithesis of the type of “Mother” I had. *ALL* parents make “mistakes.” This is not about mistakes or being a “Perfect Parent:” It’s about using strategies that allow children to grow up with “good enough” parents who give us the unconditional love I and so many others never experienced from my CB “Mother.” The above comments made by TZ are sadly so true and so eloquently stated. (Thanks, TZ. sigh. “The Scream.” Change “midwestern” to East Coast affluent, your “Father” to my “Mother” and you nailed the rest, unfortunately.)
Children are the most forgiving beings when it comes to their parents. There is NOTHING more a child desires from you as a parent than your unconditional love, acceptance and approval. We expect “to be in trouble” when we’ve done something “wrong” but PLEASE remember, the “punishment” must fit the “crime.” It must make sense in the child’s world because (despite parents like my “Mother,”) we can not nor SHOULD WE be expected to enter an adult’s world. We need YOU to enter our’s, OK?
We are born hard-wired to bond with our parents. That’s just science. When you engage in such tactics as The Silent Treatment, you confuse, hurt and terrify your child. “Time Out” is ENTIRELY different than The Silent Treatment as this article and comments make very clear.
Thank you very much for this article. And to all the moms and dads who are seeking ways to raise INDEpendent, respectful, decent kids and launch them into adult life, you have my utmost respect and admiration, FWIW.
How I wish there were more just like you!
Warmest Wishes,
TW-the old widow broad 😉
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I am 35 years old now, and still deal with the effects of my mother giving me the silent treatment all the time. And even to this day, she still does it to me, and even worse she does it to my daughter now. I just dont know how to deal with it. It is very unfair and has affected my whole life. My daughter will call me anytime it happens and I will immediately leave work and get her. I dont want her to go through what I had to.
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I Was mentally abused by my father all throughout my life. I am only 14.. My father would constantly give me the ST for the littlest most stupid mistakes I made. Accidentally slamming the car door, not hearing him call my name etc. Now when I say he gives me the silent treatment I mean for like literally 1 whole year. No joke. He is honestly so mental. It’s sickening to me that I have to deal with this for no reason. I have tried to commit suicide 8 times because of him and I’m 14. PLEASE DO NOT ever consider giving your child the ST- it is so hard to live with I would rather him kill me right then and there- yes:( please don’t ever IMO it’s worse then physical abuse by far.
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I am 39 and was raised by parents who gave the silent treatment as their favorite form of punishment. My father who is 75 is giving me the ST currently . He hasn’t spoken to me in over a month and I think it is because I didn’t return his call until a day or two later back in December. Mind you, I have a full time job, a family and returning phone calls immediately is not my best trait. That along with my father belittling me , ignoring me , rarely showing up for me as a child, being a mean drunk etc I’m a little afraid of him and has had severe consequences. I have trust issues, am painfully insecure a lot of self doubt and live in a lot of fear. Giving the ST to your child is confusing, mean and creating more problems rather than finding a solution and communicating.
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Thanks for your blog and your post. This is really helpful. I relate to a lot of what is stated here as my mom has been the giver of the Silent Treatment. She started giving me the silent treatment when I was age 10 and stopped when I was age 20. From the few things I’ve read about spousal abuse and in particular the Cycle of Abuse this seems similar to my experience when my mom first started giving me the silent treatment. The first time lasted about a day and a half. In this time my mind was spinning, trying to think of everything I had said or done recently that would cause her to give me the cold shoulder. I couldn’t think of anything outside of the normal kid stuff. And she wouldn’t tell me, which made me more anxious and fearful since I thought it must have been something really bad if she wouldn’t talk about it. When she decided to talk again, she profusely said she was sorry, kissed me on the top of the head and hugged me.
She said she would never do the silent treatment on me again. I held back in acknowledging her in a moment of mistrust, but then quickly forgave her and said so and hugged her back. When I found out the reason for the silent treatment, it was so trivial. I just remember thinking that she went silent over something so normal for a kid. I was shaken because I thought if she could give me the silent treatment over something normal this time, she could do it again. But I wanted to believe her at her word that she would never do it again. And several weeks later she gave me the cold shoulder again. It lasted longer. I apologized to her thinking it would make her stop or at least lessen my sentence. But, it seemed to give her greater resolve. The apology was less this time and I was more mistrusting. When I found out the reason later, again it was trivial. After this time the silent treatments would get longer in duration, lasting many days or weeks and when I got in my mid-teens they could last a couple months. As the silent treatments went on, my mom stopped using an apology to break her silence. She simply tried to start talking to me again. At first she was sheepish about this kind of reconciliation. Later, she seemed a bit angry and entitled that she should have to do all of the work in breaking the silence (why didn’t I try harder).
A couple of years ago, I sent my mom a letter asking if she still gave the Silent Treatment to people. She said “Yes, because it works!”
So, then I mailed my mom the book “Ostracism” by Kipling D. Williams. My mom said she started reading it but got too depressed since she was depicted the bad guy and stopped reading the book.
To LOLA in this thread above, I also say, please get help from a therapist, to learn more positive parenting strategies. And to TZ, I’ve also been attracted to Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” painting for the same reason.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I’m in my 50’s and have been carrying this around with me 40-some years. I’ve talked to therapists, groups and friends who would try to listen. I did an Internet search several years back and only the silent treatment between adults was being talked about then. And now things have changed and I am thankful.
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I agree with Lola I’m single mom too I have same problem when I explain and talk my 12 year old daughter don’t listen.. When I try silent treatment she stars to listen again for a while….
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I am 44 and my mother has been giving me the silent treatment for at least 30 years.When she is talking to me it is to criticise me -Most of the time it is hurtful other times bizarre :real telephone conversation ” I’ve been thinking and I think that the sink in your kitchen is too small”.My dad left when we were younger I have a younger brother he doesn’t receive any of this treatment.And yet after what she sees as an appropriate amount of time she’ll just turn up again as if nothing has happened -until the next time I displease her .The longest time is 5 months reason :I spent Christmas with her brother and sister in law and even though she was working I should not have condoned the fact that they had moved to a new house 45 minutes away (before they lived around the corner from her).At the moment she is not talking to me it’s been 6 weeks so early days -part of me is hoping she never seen contacts me again.love to all with a toxic parent
Be strong
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To the single moms struggling to get through to your kids, I do understand and give you so much credit for all you must have to sacrifice. I could not imagine raising my son alone. That said, my father used the silent treatment to punish me for every perceived slight, starting around age 11 or 12, each time lasting anywhere from days to weeks. The damage this has done to my self-esteem and self-confidence cannot be overstated. The damage it has done to our entire family can never be repaired. It IS abuse. Remember, your 12, 13, 14-year olds’ brains are still developing. This is a critical time for them. They need your love and acceptance, not silence. Go to a therapist and figure out other tactics, but please, do not shut them out.
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I was given the silent treatment by my mum for the first time when I was 7. Because I called her mean, because she was. She didn’t speak to me for a week. We fought a lot when I was a teenager and I got silence after these episodes for up to 2 weeks at a time. She didn’t even know what A levels I was taking because a) she wasn’t interested, and b) gave me the silent treatment so often!
Mind you, apparently HER mum used to do exactly the same thing. At least she had siblings to talk to about it.
I did end up very damaged and still battle drink problems, but feel better now I’m no longer in contact with her. The silence can last forever, as far as I’m concerned. She now has cancer apparently – much good may it do her!
My dad got out of the marriage 20 years ago – went off with someone else. He was/ is also alcoholic.
Silent treatment is just plain stupid, but if someone treats you that way, they obviously don’t like you very much, so the best you can do is give them a taste of their own medicine.
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My first ever episode of silent treatment was when my little brother was born, i was 12. I remember receiving the silent treatment and being unsure of what I had done, i remember cooking every night for myself for 2 weeks straight as my mother would purposely avoid me during ST, she would keep my little brother with her and as he got older she would push him against me by telling him not to speak to me either because i was ‘a bad kid.’ Then one day magically she was fine but the issue was never raised again. I grew up with constant fear of wondering when it would happen again, and when she would just silently go to her bedroom lock her door and pretend i was not there. Fast forward I am now 22 years old, i briefly left for a few years at the age of 15 and lived with my boyfriend however have returned home. Today i encountered it again after a year due to something as small as cleanliness, I have noticed now my mother waits for me to get angry and be the first to shout before she struts off and begins her episode of ST, I think it makes her feel less guilty but regardless it is still shutting your child out! Denying them love and making them question themselves over and over again. I am a compliant child and have become over the years to avoid these disagreements and the pain, but as I get older I understand this is NOT a form of love and is ABUSE. A parent can easily rectify the situation by sitting their child down and asking why they acted the way they did and what is needed for them to move on. I predict it will take my mother a week then she will be back to normal again. ST has caused so many problems for me including low confidence, self esteem, insecurities and unable to be in a secure relationship. For mothers out there who may use it as a defensive mechanism, these are your children you are slowly destroying and breaking down each time you do it. Because no matter how much older you get it still hurts the same, you still feel un secure, lost, alone and terrified.
This form of abuse is not okay, remember to put yourself first and to try and set boundaries to protect yourself. Sending love and light to you all.
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Our 15 year old niece moved in with us several months ago. She was sneaking out and doing alot of inappropriate behavior. As a consequence, she lost privacy and privileges on her phone for a while. In response to said consequence she got very upset and used foul language, name calling, screaming, begging for us to call the cops to have her removed from our home one night and so on. My husband (and I) have been so frustrated getting through to her that these explosive reactions are not acceptable. After this last one, my husband told her he didn’t want to interact with her or speak until she was ready to acknowledge how her behavior is not okay and apologize and help come up with a plan to work on improving it. She refused to apologize bc she said she wasn’t sorry and that if we hadn’t been mean to her and looked through her phone to begin with that she wouldn’t have done it. It’s been 3 days of zero interaction with him and her.
???? Thoughts??? Does the fact he explained to her how to end the silence make this okay??? I understand he is at the end of his rope with her treatment towards us. Talking and other attempts haven’t seemed to work. But this doesn’t either. I think it’s just hurting her feelings and makes her feel like he doesn’t love her.
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I wonder what your niece’s circumstances are that she is suddenly living with her aunt and uncle. I imagine that something big led to that, and I wonder what sort of grief/trauma/events led to this situation. She is clearly going through something that causes her behavior to be out of control and I understand just how incredibly difficult it must be for all three of you to figure out how to deal with this. It sounds like she is trying her best to see if the ground she stands on is solid or not, and her way of doing this is testing to see if she can knock you off of your own solid ground. While she may be in distress, it is also not okay for her to take her feelings out on you in the way that she has done. At the same time, she needs firm and solid guidelines, rules, choices, and consequences that make sense to the situation. So, for example, if she loses her phone privileges because she used her phone to sneak out, that makes sense. If she loses contact and connection with her caregiver because she snuck out, that does not make sense. At the same time, if she refuses to speak respectfully, you don’t have to engage, but this is different than entirely not speaking to or interacting with her. You or your husband can say, calmly and respectfully, something like this: “I can hear that you are angry, but it is not okay to talk to me like that, and I’ll be glad to talk to you when you can speak to me in a respectful voice,” every single time that she comes at you. You might have to repeat that quite a few times, but this is different than ignoring her for days on end.
I also think that you should not be doing this alone, which I imagine is why you are looking online for help with this. A good family therapist, especially one who understands stepfamilies, can help you far better than I can over the Internet, and I would highly recommend that you find one and all three of you go in. In addition to therapy, get as much support from your community as possible: talk to friends, seek out support groups, look for discussion threads, see if the counseling department at your niece’s school has groups, resources, and so on. The more isolated you are in this, the harder it will be.
Lastly, if you haven’t already done so, I’d recommend reading through all the comments that others have left here. Some of them are quite helpful.