Not All Silence is the Silent Treatment
I’ve written quite a few posts about the silent treatment, and have gotten very many responses from people who are on the receiving end of it. I also have had a few responses from people who believe themselves to be silent treatment givers. Some of the people who are on the silent side of things are not actually participating in what I am describing as the silent treatment here, but tend to retreat into silence when they are overwhelmed or scared. For the silent treatment to be The Silent Treatment, a person must be being silent AT someone with an intention to hurt them with that silence. Not all silence qualifies.
There are different reasons a person might be silent in a relationship, and not all of them are bad. The cooling off period after an argument is one example. There is also the silence that comes when a person feels overwhelmed by a partner who expresses emotion more passionately than he or she is able to. There can also be a pacing issue in relationships, where one partner is able to process and verbalize their emotions much more quickly than the other. The silence in this situation comes from the slower-to-verbalize partner needing to think before talking. Silence can stem from a person’s need to have more personal space in a relationship than their partner. Silence also happens when a person is truly listening to their partner and thinking about what was said.
Whatever the reason for silence in a relationship, the crucial factor is communicating about it. If you just withdraw into silence and expect your partner to understand why, then you are asking them to mind-read, and that is not fair. Instead, you can say that you are feeling overwhelmed, or that you do not process things as quickly and need some time to think, or that you want to let what you’ve just heard sink in. Then, respectfully let your partner know just what kind of silent space you need and for how long. Understand that you are asking for something that may be very difficult for your partner to give. And, if you are the one being asked for this space, also understand that it was probably very difficult for your partner to ask you for it.
Other posts on the Silent Treatment:
When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option
Is It Okay for Parents to Give the Silent Treatment?
The Things We Do To Avoid Asking Questions
Communicating about Taking Space in a Relationship- An Alternative to the Silent Treatment
17 comments
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My partner is currently silent towards me, in spite of me making a number of attempts to find out what’s wrong and letting them know that I’m hurting as a result of the silence. I can’t really think he’s doing this maliciously. Do you think I should direct his attention towards this column? I don’t know if that would make things worse.
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My live-in boyfriend is currently giving me the silent treatment. I told him that I focus my attention on him far more than I should and have put him so high up on a pedistal, tthat when he doesn’t do or say the right thing when I need him to, then I always get disappointed. I also told him that I can’t always look for him to make me happy, that I need to start making me happy, that way everything is not on him. I love him very much, but he has become so controlling over me that I am starting to want to break free. I have tryed to explain to him that we all need “me” time, but he sees it as me needing to bea away from him and that’s not true. I am suppose to go on a shopping trip with my coworkers this coming Monday, and when I told him of my plans, he got mad,
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After his temper tantrum, he then started pouting and trying to make me feel guilty for wanting to go. I ignored his childish attempt of wanting me to stay home and now I am getting the silent treatment. I love him, but I am so sick of the way I get treated. That’s just one of our problems.
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I am currently undergoing the silent treatment from ex boyfriend. What is interesting is that he has a pattern of doing this, but this is the longest. He is very upset because a seven weeks ago I called the police on him after a really bad argument. Two days later I was hospitalized from severe depression from all of the stress. He showed up and when I returned home, he stayed in the apartment with me. Things normalized and then at random he left last Friday. He sent me a short email stating that we needed to part our ways that it would be for the best. I asked him why? He said because even though I might be doing better, he is still scared. He said he learned the hard way when I called the cops. But, that we should meet up but not anytime soon. I was hospitalized again because of this chaos, friends contacted him but no responses. Now that I am home, I am just bracing myself for when he returns. I am figuring he will return once he feels that I have been punished enough for calling the cops on him. I hope I am strong enough to just shut the door on him forever. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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keiko,
so sorry to hear yr trouble. I can feel yr pain, yr love for him is truely wonderful. But you have hurt him, it is v serious for calling the cops and it is going to be v v hard to trust you in the future. U can never make him get back that trust by talking. it has to be by action and it will take a v long time for him to get that trust in you.
You will have to make changes in your behavior and it has to be a new you, you will have this chance to prove only if he ever see you. it will takes time, and be patience as he will need a long time to get yr trust again. No guy will want to be with a gril whom he can be treathen by a police. sorry, you have to prove that to him,
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Well, it’s nice to see that I’m not alone, however it’s getting close to Christmas and not exactly the right time for the silent treatment. Is it ever the right time? Probably not.
After a fun night out with my husband of 11 years this past Saturday I was disappointed with the lack of affection and attention when we got home and let him know it. After 16 years with this man who I love with all my heart I’ve become very careful about expressing my feelings regarding our physical relationship. Generally these ‘conversations’ turn into days of total silence.
We are what others perceive as the ideal couple, we love spending time together, have a great friendship and enjoy the same things. My issue is the lack of passion and desire in our relationship which is very important to me. I feel rejected and neglected but when I try to talk about it the result is even worse neglect and rejection aka. the silent treatment.
I’ve always made excuses and tried to tell myself that he is not doing this intentionally or even has control over it but I’m starting to lose patience and don’t think it’s fair to me to be treated this way. We’ve tried counseling a few times but after temporary improvements it seems to always come back to this.
I’ve stopped trying to engage him and basically ‘play along’ and stop talking too. That’s incredibly difficult and frustrating for someone who likes to talk things out. I still wonder if there may be a cause for him to be this way and have even googled selective muteness and anxiety disorders. Does it make sense to try to help him or should I focus on how much this hurts me? I’d love some feedback or advice.
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I currently am giving my boyfriend the silent treatment. I havent contacted him or responded to his text” havent heard from you” By the way, he hasnt tried to contact me either. He told me he told his friend something very private about our sex life. His so called friend then proceeded to tell everyone they know at their work and their clubhouse. My boyfriend knows he has a very big mouth. I feel betrayed and my trust in him has gone. He never apologized and I just dont understand why. He even told me the people at the clubhouse make fun of me behind my back. Im disturbed and dont know what to say. I doubt our relationship continues.
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I love him. If he comes over or calls i just wouldnt know what to say. I am hoping he never contacts me. I miss him too. I think hes a completely different person when hes not with me. Hes going to give me a guilt trip when he decides to contact me. I know hes expecting me to call and grovel. Thats not going to happen. I need to see a doctor about what hes said because i have noone to talk to. Im also afraid hes sending certain pics of me to his friends. He says hed never show those but if he can betray my privacy wrecklessly i dont trust him
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This was how I was treated by my parents for years and years. Really, my mom was the person who did this, and my dad just followed suit. This went on since I was 11 years old, and it would go on for weeks at a time. Now that my children are older, I realize how awful it was. My parents are upset with me currently, and of course my mom is giving me the silent treatment. I am just over it entirely. How does a person do this, and think it’s ok?
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I found great enlightenment in this article. I’ve been struggling with trying to understand why my boyfriend has stopped talking to me. We’ve been together 6 months and have not fought or argued in any explosive or irrational way. We’ve both been married and have children who are close in age and get along great!!! They are very adoring of both he and I as well. Our parents love each of us and get along wonderfully with each other as well!!!! Sounds like a fairy tale right??? We’ve shared a few isolated moments where one or the other had conflict with a situation or concern. We’ve both been open to listening, caring and respectful in finding resolution to the situation. We’ve talked often about our relationship and how blessed we both feel. If anything, it’s been fast!!!!! I can only rationalize the need for space. He didn’t ask – I offered it to him. Leading up to this, each of our kids were gone for holiday. We shared our evenings during the work week, and enjoying each others uninterrupted company. Our biggest issue, staying up until 1 AM ever night and up at 5:30 AM to work. The next weekend, I was sensing a distance I’d never experienced. It hurt my feelings. Jumping to assumption, I called the following Tues, feeling emotional, and crying to his “unreceptive tone”. I asked if something was wrong, if I had done something to upset or hurt him? He said no (cool and aloof like-again not something I’d ever experienced). Feeling unassured I questioned why he was being so distant. Yes, I cried!!! He resounded with my reading to much into things. I left our last conversation with the suggestion that I acknowledged how much time we’ve been together and if he need some space that I understood, I said I’m leaving the ball in your court. I haven’t heard from him since. I sent him an email apologizing if i hurt him for making assumptions about his silence. He acknowledged w a text, saying I didn’t need to be sorry and apologized for leaving me hanging, that he has a few things to discuss with me and will when he was ready. I have no choice to wait. I can either close off out of feeling put off, or honor my offer for him to take time for himself. It’s been an agonizing period of time for me, I miss him so much, and have had moments of struggle with the negative what if’s that are keeping him away. I have to trust the stregth in the foundation of our love for one another. I have to consider the actions he’s demonstrated towards me and kids that are consistent to being loving. It’s still hard. It still hurts sometimes. It’s been 9 days, and feels like an eternity. I am holding faith and hope, this period of silence and separation are for the good and future growth of our relationship. I have to believe this and use this time to grow for myself too.
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Hi,
I am having an off and on again relationship with my sister and her adult daughter. I love them but I truly am questioning their love for me. They both ask me for a lot of favors. I am asked to provide free babysitting while my nieces 2 children were babies, getting there by waking up early, walking to take 2 buses, then walking several blocks to their home. There is nothing provided for me to eat. There are complaints if I eat certain foods and snacks that are there. I had to ask my niece to be thoughtful to me, to bring in something that I would like to eat when I am there. She bought cheese that I like once. There is barely a grunt of thanks when I am ready to leave. She would rarely give thanks if I helped with folding her laundry or washing the dishes that were in her sink. Most of the time my sister would be decent enough to drive me home. My sister asks for help in paying her bills and buying tires for her car. She expects me to volunteer to give her whatever money she wants when she throws hints about making investments etc. I ask her to respect my needs and time. She wanted me to travel to her from my home, to take her grandson off the school bus, so she wouldnt be 15 minutes late to pick her granddaughter up from college. She manipulates with her voice when she calls me to sound like she’s in dire need so I will drop what I am doing to respond to her. When I did call her, I was in the middle of doing my important business and hurrying to get ready to meet someone who was waiting for me. She kept talking to her granddaughter while I was trying help her with her problem, and advising her on getting to meet the people again who had interviewed her for a job. I asked her to stop allowing the 4-5 interruptions. I have to keep repeating myself and am being delayed and disrespected.I told her that they live together, they can talk when she hangs up. I was so angry she knew by the tone of my goodbye that I was angry. This taking my feelings casually and not being concerned with me especially when I am not being used by them at the moment makes me realize that I do not want to have contact with them anymore. I am tired of being used, taken for granted then treated like I have an attitude if I am angry. I am very honest when I tell them how I feel. They do not feel the need to respect me or my feelings. This is the tip of the iceberg, but the titanic has come through. Its not the silent treatment, its the end of a relationship.
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My mom has been abusive my whole life. She had a really bad childhood and I’ve always felt empathy for her. Starting at 8 years old she would get angry at me for getting my clothes dirty while she left me outside at a boyfriends house so they could use drugs and have sex or some other crazy reason. She would call my dad or his girlfriend and make me go live with them. She would throw my belongings in black plastic trash bags and make me wait outside until they came. One time I remember her hugging me and crying and telling me she just couldn’t handle me. At thathe point I was a bad kid at all. She kicked me out more times than I can remember. Since becoming an adult and moving out of the house she has been using what I think is the silent treatment against me. As a kid she would make me go to my dad’s for every holiday break. I never spent any holidays with her. Usually around the holidays she starts feeling sorry for herself because she’s all alone(can’t make and keep friends) and just stops talking to me all together. I never know when it’s going to happen and she’s always invited to all my in laws family functions and even my dad’s and his girlfriend’s on holidays. She always declines and would rather stop talking to me until I call her 17 times a day for at least a week and then she’s very short and blames her being alone all on me. I apologize and we just don’t talk about it anymore and it’s over or she pity parties herself to further make me feel bad. I have severe anxiety and panic disorders and when she does this I still feel the separation anxiety I did as a child and I’m 27 with my own family. I should mention I have two adult brothers and they’ve been estranged from her for at least 20 years. Last Sunday we canceled going to a pumpkin patch with her because of money issues and she hasn’t spoken to me since then. Is she giving me the silent treatment or cooling off? She never tells me why she won’t talk to me or responds to apologies by text or voicemail. I’m a little fed up. I have a son and I’m afraid she will do this to him in the future.