Life & Therapy

Many TV shows and movies are about revenge. In the general plot of most crime shows, the wrongdoer is not only captured, but the detectives interviewing them make sure to let this person know just what a scumbag he or she is for what they did.  Often, there is also some tasteless joke (if the scumbag is a man) about how this person will get raped in prison.  In romantic movies, there is something similar.  Usually, the main character (usually a woman) is treated poorly by some awful lover, and spends time healing from the experience. Eventually, this main character becomes strong and independent (often opening a shoe or clothing boutique that, puzzlingly, is instantly successful).  At some point, the wrongdoing jerk-of-a-lover comes crawling back, only to be rejected and humiliated, because our heroine has moved on.  The satisfaction inherent in these movies comes from seeing a wrongdoer getting punished.  Even more satisfying is when that wrongdoer realizes what an awful person they have been, and suffers for it.

These shows have so much appeal because in real life, you do not often get this sort of satisfaction when someone has wronged you.  Perhaps you grew up in an abusive or neglectful environment.  Maybe you were the victim of a crime, or lost a loved one to a drunken driver, or even a murderer.  Sometimes, it may be as seemingly small as someone cutting you off in traffic.  It seems unfair that you suffered so much at the hands of people who are oblivious to the suffering that they caused you.  You may even have a fantasy about seeing them go through the same sort of pain that they inflicted upon you.  While this urge is understandable, it is impossible to get another person to feel what you feel.  In a small way, you may get some vicarious sense of fulfillment by watching a show where the wrongdoer actually feels the pain of their crime.

If you put your energy and focus into seeking revenge, trying to get the wrongdoer to really understand and feel the pain they caused you, you are unlikely to find the satisfaction that you think that it will give you.  You are also giving this person more attention and power than you are giving yourself.  Maybe you think that you would finally feel at peace with your loss, and could move on in life.  Now you are giving a whole lot of power to an unreliable person, allowing them to dictate whether you can be at peace, whether you can move on and truly live your life.

If someone were to run over your foot, would it make your foot heal any faster if that same person got their foot run over, too?  You still need to attend to your crushed foot. In an ideal world, your foot would get the attention and healing it needs, AND the driver who ran it over would apologize and make amends.  Sometimes this happens. But if you spend your energy trying to get that person to suffer as much as you are suffering, to feel the same pain you felt, you are more likely to end up with two people who have festering, unattended injuries, and still no closure whatsoever.