Gratitude for the Heartbreaks and the Mistakes

Thanksgiving is just around the corner.  Giving thanks tends to conjure up images of the good things in life: abundance, love, health, wealth, and so on.  I recently have been thinking of times in my life that were very difficult or painful, but in the end shaped me and gave me something rich.  I am grateful for these times, because they brought me into a much deeper experience of life.

Many of the heartbreaks in my life came from having my illusions shattered.  Every illusion I had was somewhat of a carrot on a stick, dragging me on a path away from myself.  These illusions mostly took on the form of a lover, somebody that I made more important to me than myself.  Getting dumped by any of these lovers caused a lot of pain, of course, but after the dust cleared and the pain subsided, there was just a little bit more of me to hold onto.  Eventually, there were no illusions left, and no one to surrender my power to.  Now, I stand next to my husband and know that we are equally powerful and wonderful.  Thanks to our past heartbreaks, we both have strong selves to hold onto, and can cherish each other without clinging.

My mistakes in life are all very important lessons that I am grateful for.  When I was just fresh out of college, I had no clue about how to manage money.  I made huge mistakes and leapt into an impressive financial quagmire that only I could take credit for.  That made more of an impression on me than any money-management class could have.  Without the financial car wreck, and the subsequent lessons learned in how to fix it, I doubt I would understand the importance of managing money well.  I also would not appreciate my own efforts in that department.  Ironically, a humiliating mistake taught me skills that are now a source of pride for me, and for that, I am grateful.

So, on Thanksgiving as you express gratitude for the good things in life, you also might add the mistakes and heartbreaks to your list.  Who would you be without them?

For more about gratitude, go here: http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?cat=24

You Can’t Be True to Yourself without Someone Getting Disappointed

Originally, I was going to title this post, “You Can’t Be True to Yourself without Disappointing Someone.”  Then I thought about something that I tell people when they worry that making a tough personal choice will hurt or disappoint someone: “You are not disappointing that person, their expectations of you are disappointing them.” This is an important distinction.  Our personal choices are ones that we make in order to be true to ourselves.  There will always be somebody who has an expectation of what those choices should be.  There is no way to cater to everyone’s idea of who we should be and what we should do.  Sometimes, we have to make choices that don’t live up to those expectations.

Perhaps you have been dating someone for a while.  That person has decided that you are “The One,” but you have never really been sure that this relationship is one you want to commit that deeply to.  There may be real problems in the relationship that your lover is ignoring, due to this overriding illusion that you are theirs for life, the answer to their problems.  You can see just how much pain this person will be in when you break up with them, so it is very difficult to do so.  Still, you have a deep and insistent feeling that staying would be harmful to you in the long run.

You might think that you are about to make a choice that will damage this person somehow. In reality, your lover’s expectation of you as “The One” is the weapon that is already causing the pain for both of you.  If it isn’t based on the truth, then catering to it will only cause more damage.  In the short run, it will be difficult to speak your truth. In the long run, that same truth will set you free from trying to fit into something false. The truth will also set your lover free from clinging to something that isn’t really there.

Mind-Reading, Guessing Games, and Communication Breakdowns in Relationships

“If you don’t already know, I’m not going to tell you.”  In some relationships, this is a classic response to the question, “Is something wrong?”  One person unwittingly offends the other.  Instead of speaking up, the offended person withdraws, often into the silent treatment, expects the offender to read his or her mind, and becomes angry if asked to actually say what the problem is.  Either the offended party doles out more silent treatment, or snaps at their partner for not already knowing what the problem is.

This behavior reminds me of trying to talk to a friend’s child who hadn’t quite learned how to talk yet.  This boy knew exactly what he was saying, and expected me to understand it in the way he was saying it.  I am sure his parents have figured out his particular code of grunts and gestures, but I certainly have not.  As I tried to understand what he wanted from me, he became more and more frustrated that I wasn’t understanding him, and he started to gesture and grunt more wildly and angrily. Unfortunately for him, there was no way for me to decode his meaning, and no interpreters were nearby.  Also, there was no way for him to find a way to make his meaning clear to me, so he did not get what he wanted, whatever that may have been.

Just like this child, the offended partner feels that they have been perfectly clear about what has offended them, and feels the same frustration as the child does, in not being understood.  Maybe previous partners knew how to decode this secret language, just as the child’s parents have learned to do.  Maybe the silent treatment worked on others, evoking a certain desired response.  Whatever the reason, this person needs to learn how to use their words to explain just what the problem is, no matter how frustrating or vulnerable this feels.

Both partners can change this dynamic.  If you are more likely to say, “If you don’t know, I am not going to tell you,” then you can learn to pause and explain what has hurt you.  If you are more likely to be the recipient of this demand for mind-reading, you do not need to scramble to do the mind-reading.  You can say something along the lines of, “I know that you feel that I should understand what you are going through, and I would like to, but unless you tell me, I can’t do anything to make it right.”  These ingrained habits are hard to change, but it is worth the time and trouble.  After all, as a couple you are in a partnership with each other rather than in a war against each other.

Other interesting articles:

Being Truthful in Relationships Sometimes Means Saying Things People Don’t Want to Hear

The Things We Do To Avoid Asking Questions

Asking Your Partner for What You Want- The Valentine’s Day Version

Crashing into Trash Cans

My husband’s parents once told me the story of how he learned to ride a bike. Apparently, he hadn’t quite figured out how to brake, and the concept scared him.  His solution was to ride full-speed into a group of trash cans.  For some reason, this was a less scary way to stop than braking- probably because he could see the trash cans, whereas braking was a bit mysterious and new.  Some of this was motivated by a fear of falling: crashing into the trash cans isn’t much better than falling, but at least he was controlling the situation.

We might “crash into trash cans” ourselves, out of our own fear of falling.  It could be that we have a bad habit that we want to break such as compulsive spending, or attracting to people who are bad for us.  Maybe we have some initial success in breaking this pattern, but then we get scared.  How can we possibly keep this good behavior up? Surely, we are going to disappoint ourselves!  The tension can feel like too much sometimes, so we might nip it in the bud and just go on a spending spree, handing that credit card over while trying to ignore the receipt totals. Maybe we call that person that we’ve been trying to stay away from, telling ourselves that we just don’t care what happens.  In the moment, we feel relief from the pressure of trying not to fall, but in the long run there are bruises and feelings of helplessness to contend with.

It can be hard to believe that we can learn to brake without falling.  It takes a good amount of practice, trial and error, and even some falling.  It helps to have someone who can help and support us when we are trying to break an old pattern, whether it is a friend, a partner, or a therapist.  Some people get a lot of help from joining a group that focuses on breaking from the habit they might be trying to break free from.

No matter what approach we choose, a good thing to do is to listen to ourselves when the doubt creeps in.  What is familiar about this voice that says that there is no way we can keep it up?  We don’t have to believe that voice- it is only one part of the whole picture.  We can also tune into our capable self, and hear what it has to say.  Instead of saying, “I know that I am going to fail at this, so I might as well go out in style,”  we can say, “I am afraid that I am going to fail at this, and that hurts.”  Now there is something to attend to in the moment, a real feeling.  If we attend to that feeling and let it be what it is, it will eventually pass, and when it does, we can refocus our energy to the task at hand.  Eventually, those trash cans will not be a desirable stopping place.

Political Discussions, Relationship Discussions

Right now is a very charged and tense time in our country.  The election is drawing rapidly near, and it seems that the country is again split in half.  The candidates are calling each other names, and we are being inundated with negative ads.  Tensions are running high between people who hold opposing political views.  Rational and respectful discussion often goes out the window during election season. The reason for this is that both sides just want to win.

Sometimes, we treat conflict in relationships as if we are running for political office. Wanting to win is fine if you are running for president- it is the point, actually.  But there is no prize for “winning” a relationship argument.  Trying to win ends up hurting the relationship.  All relationships involve a bit of conflict, because all relationships involve two people from different realities trying to live, love, work together.  As soon as one or both partners assign “right” or “wrong” to the differences between each other, then conflict becomes about winning.

A first step in the direction of healthy conflict resolution is to remove the desire to win the argument, and ask yourself, “What is my intention here?”  Maybe you want your partner to know that your feelings were hurt by something she did.  Let’s say she made plans with friends when she knew you had planned a special evening together.  If you say, “You are so inconsiderate and selfish.  You never think of me,” this will quickly become a battle between the two of you, each trying to win the argument over whether or not your partner is selfish and inconsiderate.  No matter who “wins” this battle, your hurt feelings never actually get expressed or addressed.

Instead of taking the character assassination approach, you might say something like, “I thought that we’d agreed to have a special evening, and I was looking forward to it. When you made plans with your friends instead, I felt hurt and rejected and felt as if I’m not very important to you.”  There’s nothing to argue with here- you had feelings, and now you’ve made them known.  It’s not as if your partner can say, “No, you didn’t feel hurt and rejected.”  Nor are you saying, “I’m not important to you.”  You are saying that you  felt a certain way when your partner did what she did.  From here, if you can both agree to speak from how each of you feels, rather than try to convince the other to feel a certain way, you’ve got the potential for a satisfying relationship discussion

More on The Silent Treatment

 

Since I wrote about the silent treatment on this site, traffic has increased- many people are looking for help in this particular department.  The following was asked by a reader named Tammy, and I thought I might bring it up as an entry and do my best to address the questions asked:

I found this site by looking up “silent treatment” which is what my husband is doing to me now. It has been more than two weeks since he has said anything to me. It does make me angry and scared – I realised that I actually fear him when he does this and wonder what he will do to me next even though he is doing nothing at the time. I know I have to let go and stop allowing him and his problems to fill up my time and affect me the way it does, but it is really difficult – how do I stop myself feeling what I do and having the thoughts I have?
 I have my own issues with dealing with my feelings and can get pretty aggressive when angry – I often yell at my husband and that makes him give me more of the silent treatment. Is it all just a vicious circle and is there any way out of this?

The phrase “I wonder what he will do to me next” makes me wonder he has done to Tammy beyond the silent treatment.  If this is part of a larger pattern of abuse then I recommend that Tammy stop trying to negotiate with her abuser, and instead get in touch with a local domestic violence center.   At the very least, find a therapist who is trained in issues of domestic violence, and go from there.  No one has to live in terror in their own home, and there are ways to safely leave such a situation.

In the question “How do I stop myself from feeling what I do and having the thoughts that I have?” I can feel Tammy’s frustration.  I get a sense from the question that Tammy believes these thoughts and feelings are somehow wrong or invalid; but they are most likely very much genuine, valid, and okay.  I also get the sense that her anger is not accepted in this relationship.  Most likely, her husband is not comfortable with his own anger and is punishing Tammy in the same way that he might have been punished when he expressed anger as a child.  The cycle gets locked into a pattern: Tammy gets angry, her husband shuts down, which makes Tammy angrier, and the more she expresses her anger, the more silent her husband becomes.

“Is this a vicious circle, and is there any way out of it?”  Tammy asks.  My answer is, yes- this is a vicious circle, and yes, there are ways to stop all vicious circles.  The first thing I would recommend here is couples therapy.  If her husband is unwilling to come, then individual therapy for Tammy will still be very helpful.  In therapy, Tammy can focus on her own relationship with her anger and with herself, and learn that her feelings are valid. Rather than trying not to have these feelings, it is important to let herself feel them for what they are, understand that her anger is not a bad thing- she can learn to accept it, understand it, and validate it.  In learning to to this for herself, she is less reliant on her husband’s inability to do so.  The reason his behavior works on her is that she believes that she deserves it.  The stronger her relationship with and acceptance of herself gets, the less she will buy the myth that she deserves to be punished, and the less power the silent treatment will have over her.

For more posts on the Silent Treatment, go here:

The Silent Treatment vs The Cooling-Off Period

Why do People Give the Silent Treatment?

Is It Okay for Parents to Give the Silent Treatment to Their Children?

Imagination is a Powerful Tool

“Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were.  But without it, we go nowhere.”  Dr Carl Sagan

As children, most of us were encouraged to use our imaginations.  Some of us had imaginary friends, some of us believed that our stuffed animals were living companions, some of us believed in Santa Claus, and many of us believed the stories that we read, saw, and heard.  I was lucky to be young enough when the first “Star Wars” movie came out to believe that it was real.  It did a lot for me to believe that the seemingly weak forces of good could overcome the seemingly dominant powers of evil. I also imagined what my future career would be, constantly changing it according to whoever I admired at the time, and whatever traits of mine I valued.  When I grew up, I just knew I wanted to be a nun.  Then, I knew I wanted to be a teenager.  Until I wanted to be a cheerleader.  Then, I wanted to be a lawyer.  I imagined myself in all sorts of scenarios with an unlimited imagination of the possibilities.

As we grow older, we are not encouraged as much to use our imaginations.  We tune into what we perceive to be our reality, and sometimes we close ourselves off from the unseen possibilities we could fulfill.  Sometimes, life disappoints us, and it hurts to imagine it being any other way than the way it is.  Maybe there have been too many painful relationships, so we get to a point where we give up hope of our love ever blossoming with a worthy mate.  Perhaps we can’t seem to find fulfilling work, so we close ourselves off from even trying.  We just can’t imagine ourselves in a better life than the one we’re trudging through.

The real truth is that we can imagine ourselves in a better situation.  Imagining it is the first step to changing it.  We all have an abundance of untapped potential, and we can only imagine just what it looks like.  Give it a try:  imagine yourself in the life that you really want to have.  Imagine what it would be like to leave an abusive relationship. Imagine being with someone who loves you for who you are.  Imagine yourself in a job where you get to use your talents fully, and you are rewarded for your contributions. Aggressively imagine as often as you can, until you start believing that it really is possible.  If you can imagine it, you are far more likely to achieve it.

 

 

 

Teaching Your Partner How to Meet Your Needs

It may seem unromantic, but in a truthful relationship, you need to teach your partner how to meet your needs, as well as learn from them how to meet theirs.  It would be a whole lot easier if your partner could just intuit what you need from them, and then give it to you.  You may feel vulnerable asking for something that you want, and just wish that you didn’t have to, thinking that your partner should just know these things about you.  Maybe you’d be more excited in bed if your partner would only know to bring you flowers first.  Perhaps you’d be more willing to spend quality time in the evenings, if only you could have an hour alone after work.

Sometimes, it may feel easier to silently demand that your partner read your mind, and then you become angry and disappointed when they fail to do so.  You may start to focus on just how boneheaded you think your partner is for not guessing your needs, rather than on your own fear of asking for something and potentially having your desires thwarted.  The irony is that your desires are guaranteed to be thwarted if you treat your partner like a bonehead.  Another temptation is to then discuss your partner’s shortcomings with all of your friends, who will then sympathize with you. The problem with this strategy is that, when all the dust settles, your partner still has no idea what you need.

Of course, it would be wonderful if your partner were psychic and magically knew what to do for you when you are stressed, what romantic gestures hit the nail on the head, and what turns you on in bed- all without you ever saying a word.  To me, more romantic than that is knowing that your partner cares to hear what you want, and makes an effort to give it to you.  It is deeply touching when you make yourself vulnerable and take the risk of sharing your desire with the one you love.  Depth and meaning grow into the relationship from taking this sort of risk with each other.

When You Love Someone Who Treats You Badly

When you love someone who treats you badly, it is difficult to make sense of it.  Your friends don’t get it, nor does your brain, but still you just can’t seem to help yourself. The love feels so strong and powerful that you put up with or overlook the ways your partner treats you poorly.  People close to you will tell you that you should not be with this person, that you deserve better.  This sometimes makes you feel worse, because you wonder what it is that you aren’t getting.  You may even feel stupid for not seeing what everyone else is seeing.

What you are not seeing is your own worthiness.  Maybe you feel lucky that anyone loves you at all.  Perhaps you have occasional moments of absolute bliss with this person that seem to make up for all the more painful times.  It could be that the sex is earth-shattering, or was at one point.  Whatever the reason, you are unable to imagine a relationship that doesn’t come at the price of being treated poorly and unpredictably.

When you learn to value yourself, you stop tolerating people who don’t value you. Rather than trying to get others to change their attitudes toward you, you can focus on changing your attitude toward yourself.  You may not know what it feels like to be treated as if you are a person worthy of respect.  Getting therapy is very helpful in learning this- a good therapist consistently will treat you respectfully, and will help you to sort out the ways in which you accept disrespect from yourself and others.  In therapy, you will heal your battered sense of worth and lack of confidence.  With the self-worth you gain, you will develop standards for how you would like to be treated.   With your new self-confidence, you will be able to enforce those standards naturally.   Not only will you feel appalled when someone treats you poorly,  you also just won’t stand for it.

Other posts you might find interesting:

Breaking Free from Hopeful Illusion: The April Fool’s Edition

For more about deserving love, go here.

For more about leaving a relationship, go here.

For more about changing emotional patterns, go here.

Basements, Bedrooms, Truth

When I was in my twenties, I got into one of those relationships that was all passion (okay, and sex) with very little else holding it together.  The first time I came over to this boyfriend’s house and up to his bedroom, there was a striking absence of anything but a bed.  This new lover acted as if he were just a very neat and clean person, but instinctively I knew better.  I thought to myself, “Uh oh- somewhere behind a closed door is a BIG mess.”  Then I dismissed this thought, because after all, staring at me right then was this lovely man and his bed.  Of course, as the relationship progressed, the mess in the closet came out and took over- soon the bed, the floor, everything became buried under the chaotic mess.  The relationship took a similar course- truths came out that had been hidden behind a deceptive facade, and things became complicated, painful, messy, and eventually the relationship ended.   

When I met my husband, he was much more honest about things.  The first time I came over to his house, I noticed a ladder in the middle of the living room.  He truthfully admitted that the ladder had not moved in months- he had been painting the room, but lost the momentum.  He also was reluctant to let me see his basement, because he was mortified about the mess that he told me was down there.  It took months before he trusted me enough to let me see this messy, dirty part of the house, but he didn’t pretend it wasn’t there to begin with.  That made all the difference in the world.

 

 

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