Life & Therapy

Often in a relationship, there is one person who needs more personal space than their partner. It can be hard for someone who doesn’t require much space to understand their partner’s need for it. Often, that need can be interpreted as rejection. If you are someone who needs more space than your partner, it can be difficult for the to ask for it in a straightforward manner, because you fear that it will offend your partner.  Maybe you have been shamed for your need for personal space.  This difficulty in asking for space often results in the use of less direct methods of trying to get it.  One such method is to suddenly retreat into silence, which triggers your partner’s feelings of rejection.  This retreat exacerbates the situation, because now instead of giving you space, your anxious partner comes to you even more, asking what is wrong, and why you aren’t speaking.  Space is not what you have here, and now maybe you are angry with your partner, and want to punish them for not respecting your uncommunicated need for space.  This often is what leads to the Silent Treatment.

There is nothing wrong with needing personal space in a relationship, and it is crucial that you communicate that need ahead of time instead of expecting your partner to read your mind when you need it.  The best time to do this is when things are going well, rather than during a conflict.  Being intimate with someone means sharing truths about yourself.  Treat these truths as simple facts about yourself, as innocent as having a certain hair color.  (Green eyes, brown hair, needs personal space from time to time, likes spaghetti).  This makes it much easier to not judge your traits as good or bad, and to ask the same of your partner.  The flip side of this is to agree not to judge your partner for their traits that are different than yours, such as needing to talk things out more than you do.  In addition to telling your partner that you are a person who requires personal space from time to time, it is also important to discuss just what your need for space looks like, how long it can last, and how you can communicate this need in a respectful manner.

Because this is a relationship and not a dictatorship, you will need to compromise on some things.  You might really want to have an indefinite, uninterrupted amount of time to take space (days? weeks?), but that is not fair to your partner.  You may not know in advance just how much space you need.  If this is the case, it is good to schedule some check-in times, where you check in with your partner to let them know if you are ready to talk, or if you need more space.  Your partner needs to agree not to interrupt your space until the scheduled time.  This way, you know that you get to have this space, and your partner knows when you will talk again, even if it is just to schedule the next check-in.

This may not smoothly at first, because you are both going to be triggered in some way.  You are trading in some old habits that you relied on in the past for new ones that are unfamiliar, and this is bound to bring uncomfortable feelings up for both of you.  In the long run, you free yourself from this painful and tense dynamic that has hampered your ability to enjoy your relationship.

Other posts you might find interesting:

Learning to Use Words

Learning How to Speak in a New Emotional Language

Not all Silence is the Silent Treatment

Being Truthful in Relationships Means Sometimes Saying What People Don’t Want to Hear

Telling Your Partner What You Want- The Valentine’s Day Version