The Pain of the Silent Treatment and What It Might Be Telling You
Recently, in response to my post “Dealing with the Silent Treatment” a commenter expressed frustration with being given the silent treatment, and the lack of advice in how to feel better. Here is an excerpt from the comment:
“I can’t just suddenly go about my daily life acting normal. I don’t get why you’d fake being happy. If you feel like crying, then damn well cry. If you can’t get out of bed, don’t. Faking it for whose benefit? Nobody is telling us how to feel better though.”
I do not condone faking any sort of emotion. If the silent treatment is making you miserable, those miserable feelings are telling you something very important. Feeling better may not be the goal in the short term. If you put your hand on a hot stove, you SHOULD feel pain. You should not shut your feelings down so that you can tolerate the hot stove as your hand gets singed and damaged. Emotions are the same. If you are in a relationship and your partner’s treatment of you causes you severe pain, it is time to change something, rather than ignore your inner pain until your partner starts to “behave.” The change that you decide to make may be simple if you are in a relationship that is workable- you talk to your partner and both of you agree to work on it, and that work actually happens on both sides. Alternatively, the change may be extremely difficult. You may end up leaving the relationship because it is not workable.
If you ignore your partner and pretend to be happy, you are in essence giving yourself the silent treatment, too. Instead, stop focusing on your partner’s childish behavior, and focus on your feelings and what they are telling you to do. The pain will guide you to the solution. The solution may feel confusing, frightening and difficult- a therapist can help you navigate this unfamiliar territory of your inner world. Eventually, you will feel much better, because independence from manipulative behavior feels wonderful and is possible.
See also:
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: An Experiment for You
53 comments
Permalink51
my boyfriend says all these cruel things to me that i feel i cant take anymore.i have decided to give him silent treatment for two weeks and see how things go.if he does not show any interest in wanting to find out whats the cause, am going to move on with my life. after all its worthless to invest all your love into someone who does not appreciate it. i believe i will find somebody else who will love me the way i deserve
Permalink52
Thank you for this. I’m in a different situation where the person giving me the silent treatment is the husband of a very close friend of mine. My friend is gay and we are really close. I’m happily married with kids. I’m dealing with the pain of being shut out and I can’t talk to my friend directly as he’s very ill. Nothing happened between the husband and I, we were all set to get together when I visited their city and when I arrived couldn’t get a hold of them at any number, or email, no texts responded. I was terrified that something horrible had happened. Since then it’s been a week and I did go through the begging email which I now regret. I’m a mess and there’s been no response. I see the husband posting on Facebook, which on one hand relieved me to know they were alive, on the other, it is clear that he’s giving me the silent treatment. I have no idea why. I am trying to deal with this on my own, as I don’t want to show my emotions to my kids or husband. I also don’t want to share this with my husband as it will cause future relationships between the two couples to be tainted. I miss my friend terribly, my last contact with him was 3 weeks ago saying he was spending the day with doctors, hoped that he could call me and that he loved me, forever. I’m already starting to grieve the loss of my friendship as I don’t know how we can go on now that his husband and I are not going to be friends. It seems silly compared to what people are going through with their spouses, but it’s real and painful. It sounds like we’re teenagers, but we’re in our 30s and 40s. I’ve never experienced this before and it’s crippling.
Permalink53
My boyfriend started giving me the silent treatment 5 days ago. The only reason he gave is being stressed over finances.
Other than a simple “thank you”, or, small talk… I get silence.
He’s gone so far as to avoid looking at me, touching me in any way… No little kiss before work… No physical attention at all.
We live together… I cook, I pack his lunch, I wash his clothes and lay them out for him to get ready for work.
He’s never taken it this far before.
We don’t argue… We’ve always gotten along… Joke, laugh, affectionate… Honey this, baby that… This is killing me… It’s devastating to have the one you love so much, treat you as if you’re invisible.
Please help.
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