Learning How to Speak in a New Emotional Language
Lately, my daughter is trying to figure out how to spell things. She knows how to spell her name out loud, but when it comes to putting the physical letters together, her instinct is to make the letters go from right to left. Seeing her do this made me realize that I’ve taken for granted this left-to-right English writing style as if I were born knowing it, as if it were some physical trait rather than something learned. You don’t remember learning things at such a young age, so they feel innate, part of who you are. It is easy to believe that this is part of how everyone else is, and to forget that there are written languages meant to be read exactly the opposite of how we read our words.
There are learned emotional qualities that can be mistaken as part of who we are, too. If you grew up in a dysfunctional environment, you learned certain behaviors and beliefs about yourself in order to survive. You learned them so thoroughly that you grew to believe that they are part of who you are. Maybe you learned to swallow your anger when facing an injustice, because the consequence of speaking up was too dangerous. Perhaps you learned to hide your pride in any accomplishments because this was considered shameful behavior. You might have grown to believe that you don’t deserve love. As an adult, you may be operating as if this is just who you are, not realizing that these are learned behaviors rather than innate traits that cannot be changed.
Just as it is possible to learn a new language, even one where you have to learn to write in the opposite direction, it is also possible to learn new behaviors, even ones that go against the beliefs that you were raised with. The first step is to understand that you learned these behaviors, that you weren’t born with them. It won’t feel natural to learn new and healthier behaviors at first, but with practice you can learn and become fluent in a new emotional language. Learn this new language and a universe will open for you to explore and enjoy.
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