Boredom as a Self-Awareness Tool

Today, I was reading a blog entry about boredom- it was titled “Boredom Is Our Enemy.” I found myself completely disagreeing with this concept, so much that I had to comment. That wasn’t enough, though. Now I must make my own blog entry about what can be learned from our boredom.

Boredom is one of those uncomfortable states of being. It is not in itself an emotion, but often there are emotions underneath the boredom that are usually uncomfortable in nature. One of the first responses many of us have to being bored is to try find an activity to engage in. In doing so, we might be running from an opportunity to learn something about ourselves.

Instead of rushing to fill our boredom with activity, why not explore that boredom a bit, to see if there’s something beneath it that needs attending? In my past, I often would discover that my “boredom” was covering up feelings of loneliness. Allowing myself to feel that loneliness was not pleasant, but it was also not boring! If I hadn’t allowed myself to sit with the boredom and feel what was underneath, I might have filled my time with activity that would not solve the underlying problem. Instead, the boredom dissipated, the hard feelings were felt and attended to, and I was able to address a real problem I had.

The next time you feel bored, try this experiment. First, notice what your reaction to being bored is: Are you looking for something to do? Are you feeling panicked? Do you want to just go to bed, even though you aren’t feeling tired? For a few minutes, resist the urge to do any of the things you think you should. Next, notice what sort of things you are telling yourself about being bored. Are you judging yourself in some way? Are you comparing yourself to someone who you imagine does not get bored? Are you feeling scared that the boredom will lead you to a bad place? Now, see what happens if you write the answers to these questions down. Start by writing what your initial reaction was, then start writing down the thoughts that are coming up about the boredom. The feelings will naturally start to make themselves known as you go. As you are feeling them, do your best to be kind to your feeling self. I’m willing to bet that by then, you will no longer be bored, but you will have gained a new awareness about yourself that needs your attention.

The Pain of the Silent Treatment and What It Might Be Telling You

Recently, in response to my post “Dealing with the Silent Treatment” a commenter expressed frustration with being given the silent treatment, and the lack of advice in how to feel better.  Here is an excerpt from the comment:

“I can’t just suddenly go about my daily life acting normal. I don’t get why you’d fake being happy. If you feel like crying, then damn well cry. If you can’t get out of bed, don’t. Faking it for whose benefit? Nobody is telling us how to feel better though.”

I do not condone faking any sort of emotion.  If the silent treatment is making you miserable, those miserable feelings are telling you something very important.  Feeling better may not be the goal in the short term.  If you put your hand on a hot stove, you SHOULD feel pain.  You should not shut your feelings down so that you can tolerate the hot stove as your hand gets singed and damaged.  Emotions are the same.  If you are in a relationship and your partner’s treatment of you causes you severe pain, it is time to change something, rather than ignore your inner pain until your partner starts to “behave.”  The change that you decide to make may be simple if you are in a relationship that is workable- you talk to your partner and both of you agree to work on it, and that work actually happens on both sides.  Alternatively, the change may be extremely difficult.  You may end up leaving the relationship because it is not workable.

If you ignore your partner and pretend to be happy, you are in essence giving yourself the silent treatment, too.  Instead, stop focusing on your partner’s childish behavior, and focus on your feelings and what they are telling you to do.  The pain will guide you to the solution.  The solution may feel confusing, frightening and difficult- a therapist can help you navigate this unfamiliar territory of your inner world.  Eventually, you will feel much better, because independence from manipulative behavior feels wonderful and is possible.

See also:

Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: An Experiment for You

Learning to Use Words

Not All Silence is the Silent Treatment

Is It Okay for Parents to Give the Silent Treatment?

No Gender Has the Lock on Emotional Issues

I get a lot of comments on this blog, mainly in response to my posts about the silent treatment and ultimatums in relationships. It seems that some people believe that one gender tends to be more prone toward emotionally dysfunctional behavior.  For example, many readers believe that the silent treatment is a guy thing.  I originally wrote about it because I was receiving the silent treatment from a female acquaintance whom I’d inadvertently offended, but I don’t feel that any gender is more prone to using it.  I have also received comments that I choose not to publish, such as “all men suck,” or “typical female behavior.”

I make it a point to write my posts with no particular gender or sexual orientation in mind, because these behaviors apply to everyone.  Dysfunctional behavior develops in childhood as a survival tool in a dysfunctional family environment.  It was not necessarily healthy behavior, but it was the best a child could come up with in a confusing environment.  Dysfunctional behavior continues to live into adulthood when it continues to work for that person in his or her relationships.  For example, if the silent treatment is the dysfunctional behavior, it keeps working if the person giving it gets their desired goal: attention, energy, even begging from their partner, friend, child, parent, etc.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is behaving dysfunctionally, you do yourself a disservice by blaming your partner’s gender.  The only way to fix this problem is to look within, and see just how you fit into the dynamic.  This does  not mean that your partner’s behavior is your fault.  It does mean that you respond to the dysfunctional behavior in a way that satisfies the dysfunction, that you fit into a dynamic in the same way two puzzle pieces fit together.   You can’t change your partner, but you can change yourself.  It’s the only thing you have control over.

Finding the Courage to Leave a Relationship

Leaving a longtime relationship, even the most unhealthy one, can be incredibly difficult to do. The fear of the unknown can be paralyzing. You might have a million questions. Who will you be without this relationship? How will you get by? What will you do with all the extra energy that you poured into being part of a couple? Will you ever find companionship again? Can you handle the loneliness? How do you even go about breaking up with your partner?

While I can’t answer these questions for anyone else, I can say that you can leave a relationship if you need to. I can also say that it is not something you have to do the second you realize that it isn’t working. It is important to build your inner strength before jumping off the cliff into the unknown world of being single.  You might not be ready to leave yet, and that is okay.  It is important to find someone to talk to who understands your difficulty, rather than someone who says, “Just dump that lemon.”  (I actually had someone tell me that when I was trying to extricate myself from a bad relationship.  Not helpful).  It is not that simple, otherwise you would have left long ago.

You may wonder what it means to build your inner strength in order to gather the courage to be on your own.  Finding a good therapist is one very helpful way to do so.  The goal of therapy is exactly that: to build your inner strength so that you can rely on yourself, and learn to understand that you deserve love.  Another important way to build your inner strength is to learn to lean on your community of friends, and any other sort of community you may have.  If you are trying to leave an abusive relationship, this step is most crucial, because you are very likely isolated from others as part of the pattern of abuse.  In addition to external support from others, it is good to bring focus into your inner world.  If you have been in a relationship for a long time, you might be out of practice in this department.  Try to find something that engages you and only you.  It could be as simple of an interest as reading or walking, or as exotic as learning to scuba dive.  The only thing that is important about this is that it is your interest, and therefore it is the doorway into your inner world.

These are some of the beginning steps toward walking away from a relationship that needs to end.  No matter how long it takes you, the most important thing is to be kind to yourself as you take these steps.

Other posts you might find interesting:

You Invested Energy Into It, but That Doesn’t Mean You Should Keep It

Breaking Free from Hopeful Illusion: The April Fool’s Edition

The Joy of Facing a Fear

Emotional Decluttering

Validating Your Emotions Rather Than Justifying Them

Act Like You Deserve Love

Getting Therapy: Taking the First Step

A Breakup Disguised as an Ultimatum

Describing the Rules in Advance vs Reacting After the Fact

As a mother of a toddler, I hear myself saying things like, “If you head-butt Mommy again, you can’t sit in Mommy’s lap anymore.” This is a rule that I regularly enforce, and enforcing it is easier because she knows that rule exists ahead of time. Our child also has rules that we need to follow as well, but she doesn’t know how to communicate them yet. We let her know our rules in advance; we find out her rules after we’ve unwittingly broken them. For example, one of her rules is “If you take something away from me without warning, I will have a tantrum.” She’s never told us this ahead of time; she lets us know about this rule by having the justifiable tantrum if it is broken.

We all have rules about how we want to be treated in a relationship. Most of us probably have reacted to a broken rule after the fact, rather than having communicated that rule in advance. This approach makes things much more messy and painful. If we react angrily when our partner breaks an unexpressed rule, we are behaving like emotional toddlers. It may feel more difficult to describe the rules in advance, but it truly is the adult thing to do.

Getting Therapy: Taking the First Step

The idea of talking to a therapist is intimidating for some. If you are unfamiliar with the world of therapy and counseling, this is absolutely understandable. It may seem mysterious, and the idea of opening up to a complete stranger is nerve-wracking. Sometimes, though, the pain of doing this far outweighs the pain of trying to figure the problem you are facing by yourself.

I can remember the first time I saw a therapist as an adult. I was leery about it: I’d been forced to see an unethical therapist at the age of 14, and that made a big impression. As a young adult, I had reached a point in my life where I was in great pain, and couldn’t function. I called a therapist out of desperation, and she was able to see me. I hardly remember what we talked about that first session. I do remember feeling greatly relieved. I no longer had to try figure out how to make sense of the big mess my life had become, by myself. My therapist was so gentle and supportive, yet truthful. It really helped me to figure out how to face the truth of who I was, and then learn to love this truth.

I share this story now because, as a therapist, I know that many people who come to see me are extremely nervous in the beginning. It is easy to imagine that the person you are seeing hasn’t dealt with their own messiness, has never needed help they way that you are needing it. A good therapist is a human therapist, who does not at all feel that they are superior to their clients, and who has trudged through their own personal sludge at some point in life. It may be helpful to know this when you are taking the first step, and asking for help.

So, how do you actually find a therapist? Luckily, we live in the age of technology, so there are numerous sites with listings of therapists. Nationally, there is the Psychology Today therapist directory.
There is also Network Therapy. I recommend looking through and seeing which therapists you feel drawn toward, then look at their information. Pick a few. Give them a call. Notice how you feel as you speak to them. How are they treating you? Ask lots of questions! You do not need to open up until you feel safe, and it is the therapist’s job to help you to feel safe. If you feel safe enough after that first phone call, make an appointment. This is how you take the first step. More steps come after you decide whether or not this is the person you want to take these steps with.

A Breakup Disguised as an Ultimatum

I once overheard a person describing her frustration with her partner to a friend.  It was clear that things were not working out in the relationship, that she had reached the end of her rope and truly wanted to call it quits.  She listed her many grievances, and stated that she was tired of being treated badly, and wasn’t going to put up with it any more.  I expected to hear her say something like, “That’s it, I’m ending it.”  Instead, she said, “I left him a message telling him that if he didn’t call me by the end of the day, then it is over.”  She seemed convinced that her soon-to-be-ex would not return her call, thus ending the relationship.  I thought to myself, “Well, then- what happens if he calls her?”

In this situation, it was clear that this woman wanted the relationship to end, but didn’t want to be the person to do so.  She felt pretty confident that she could count on her partner to respond to her “ultimatum” in the way she wished him to. If so, he gets to be the bad guy, and she gets to be the victim with the moral high ground.  After all, she gave him a chance, but he clearly didn’t care enough to call, so she had no choice!  The problem with this strategy is that this person is not owning the breakup.  She wants the relationship to end, and isn’t saying so.  She is giving her power away to this person that treats her poorly, letting him decide her fate with very little effort on his part.  All that he needs to do to keep this relationship is to call her by the end of the day.  Or not.

If you recognize yourself in this person’s situation, you may lack the confidence it takes to decide your own fate.  You may be in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship, but are too frightened to be the one to end it.  If so, it would be wise to examine just what it is that scares you.  Are you worried that you’ll be abandoning that person?  Are you afraid that you will seem like a mean person?  If you want a relationship to end, you do not need permission or an excuse, and it is crucial that you take ownership of the breakup rather than hand it over to someone else.

Ultimatums versus Boundaries

In relationships, it is much better to set boundaries than it is to give ultimatums.  A good boundary is the result of knowing yourself and having standards for how you want to be treated in relationship.  An ultimatum is the result of not setting boundaries to begin with; you find yourself unhappy with how you are being treated and you are focus on changing your partner’s behavior.  The crucial difference is that boundaries come from a solid place inside of you, whereas an ultimatum comes from a wish about how things could be.  It takes self-esteem to set a boundary, whereas most ultimatums come from a sense of desperation.

In many cases, the ultimatum is a poor substitute for a good boundary.  You may have been in a relationship in which you didn’t set boundaries to begin with, and you may wish you did.  Perhaps you wanted to say something early on, but didn’t because you were afraid of losing that person.  Now you’ve been together for a while, and you realize you want to be treated differently.  Instead of looking at the part you played in setting up the standards of your relationship, you decide that your partner needs to change their behavior, so you give them an ultimatum.  You are now focused on your partner’s behavior rather than your own, and this takes you away from yourself.  The more focus you put on getting your partner to change, the less you are able to figure out what your own boundaries are.  You may threaten your partner with dire consequences if they don’t change, but those consequences are somewhere in the future, dependent on something your partner may or may not do.

Instead of attempting to change your partner by making threats, look inside and see just what it is you really want in a relationship.  Rather than focusing on your partner’s potential, look at what is right in front of you.  What have you been settling for right here and now, in the hopes that something will change?  How long have you been settling for it?  Don’t expect your partner to change their behavior in order for you to decide what to do with the relationship.

For more on ultimatums in relationship, go here.

Cleaning out the Old, Making Room for the New

We’ve reached the end of the year, and the end of a decade. This year, I feel like cleaning up the house, getting rid of things that we don’t need; the things that have been collecting dust for so long. Some of these things made sense in our lives 10 years ago, but no longer apply. They are taking up precious space in our cabinets, closets and shelves. I want to make room for the things that are useful, that apply to life as we are living it now.

The marking of the New Year is an excellent time to “clean house” emotionally as well. What emotional habits no longer apply to your life as you are living it today? What worked for you 10 years ago, but now feels like clutter? Is there something that is taking up space and energy that you can let go of? What new things would you like to make room for in your life? Now is an excellent time to sort through your emotional belongings, separating what you want to keep, and what you would like to toss.

Happy New Year!

“I Want to Break Up with My Partner, but I Don’t Want to Hurt Them.”

When I was younger, I chose some pretty awful boyfriends, so breaking up with them was a no-brainer.  I felt justified because they clearly didn’t care about me anyway, or they had done some terrible thing, or they did the dirty work of breaking up with me.  I really preferred to be the heartbroken one with the moral high ground.  This is a pretty common pattern for a person who sees themselves as committed, but is actually quite scared of commitment: choose people who obviously can’t commit (addicts, philanderers, what have you), and then blame them when things don’t work out.

This strategy worked well until one day I found myself wanting to break up with someone who really didn’t want to let go.  He hadn’t done anything unusually horrible,  yet the relationship was never going to go anywhere.  I finally realized that it wouldn’t end unless I ended it, and the concept of doing so scared me.  I remember saying as I broke up with him, “Trust me, later you will realize that this was really good for you.”  Of course he did not agree with me whatsoever, nor did he congratulate me for breaking his heart, much to my dismay.  I had really wanted him to validate my choice.

There is no easy way to break up with someone when you know that they want to stay with you.  Your choice will hurt that person, and there is no way to prevent that pain.  The relationship is over, and nothing you do is going to change that truth.  You might “stay,” but you aren’t actually there.  It takes courage to be the one to officially end it;  while it may be better for both of you in the long run, that truth is painful in the here and now.  It may be difficult to accept the idea that your soon to be ex-partner will now be harboring negative feelings about you.  Those negative feelings are inevitable.  You are allowed to leave, and your partner is allowed to feel hurt, disappointed, sad, and even angry about it.

The end of the relationship gives both parties the opportunity for deeply meaningful growth.   Whether your partner takes advantage of this opportunity or decides to remain stuck in resentment is none of your business now.  You cannot control or manage anyone’s opinion of you.  You are free to move on and grow beyond this relationship.

For more about this, go here.

You may also find this article interesting:

Being Truthful in Relationships Means Sometimes Saying What People Don’t Want to Hear

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