Life & Therapy

Falling for another’s “potential” is a common but dangerous trap in relationships.  You meet someone and inside they are just so brilliant, creative, sweet, wonderful, talented- but sadly they just don’t seem to know it.  You see something in them that they can’t see for themselves.  You love them so much, and you just want them to see what you see, so that they can be happy and fulfilled.  You may put a ton of energy into trying to get your lover to understand just how wonderful they are.   You come up with multiple solutions for their problems, but most of your suggestions get shot down.  This only makes you try harder to get them to see what you see. 

Maybe your lover feels ugly, and you try to get them to see their beauty.  Perhaps they are unhappy with their work, and you want them to understand just how talented they are, so you come up with all sorts of creative solutions for how they can find satisfying work that showcases these talents.  It could be that they are struggling with money, addiction, or compulsive eating, so you scrutinize just how much they spend, drink, use, or eat. You love them so much, you just want to fix it for them, so that they can live the happy life you envision for them.  Conveniently, if they did so, they would be able to love you the way you want to be loved.

While you are so invested in another person’s potential, you are ignoring your own. When your lover receives your undivided attention, they don’t have to pay attention to themselves.  Funnily enough, you get a similar benefit: you don’t have to pay attention to yourself, either.  You don’t have to look at the areas in your life that also feel unsatisfying, because you are so busy trying to fix your partner’s life.  This is a trap- it gives you the illusion of satisfying work, but it leaves you empty.  Every time you throw yourself into fixing your partner’s life, this is a sign that you are ignoring something in your own life.  

The other part of the trap is that, deep inside, you don’t actually want your partner to see their potential- because then what would you do?  Potential is the carrot on the stick that is driving the relationship.  One person needs the other to be a problem that needs solving.  I know this- I’ve done it myself.  I remember a particular love interest from years ago whose potential I was chasing after.  I focused on his unhappiness, and tried incredibly hard to get him to see how he was wasting his potential.  One day, he said something to me that really struck deeply.  He said, “I feel like compost, and that you thrive on me rotting.” That about summed it up, even though at the time I did not want to hear it.  

If you are in this pattern, it is likely that you have a very difficult time focusing on yourself and receiving attention, but this is exactly what you need.  A good phrase from the 12-step culture is “Do your own inventory.”  It often applies to the times when one person is judging another.  It can also apply to when you are giving much focus to your partner’s untapped potential while ignoring your own.  Notice when you do this, and do an inventory of your own untapped potential.  It is the only one that you can unlock and fulfill.