Disengaging from the Silent Treatment
Many people struggle with the silent treatment as a form of conflict in relationship. The dynamic tends to be as follows: one person withdraws attention from the other, who then responds by trying to get their partner to break their silence. The more the recipient of the silent treatment attempts to break their partner’s silence, the more the giver of the silent treatment gets the attention they want, the more silent they become, and a vicious cycle has begun.
So, how does one break the vicious cycle? It depends on which side of the dynamic you are on. On both sides, it is tempting to respond from a place of pain, and find ways to make your partner feel that pain. This only feeds the cycle, because you are still focusing your attention on that person.
If you are getting the silent treatment, you need attention, and the only person who can give it to you is yourself. The best thing to do is to notice how much you are ignoring yourself by trying to get your partner to see you. You don’t have to play the same game. You can say whatever it is you need to say, then focus on yourself and tend to your wounds. Notice how much focus you still want to give your partner when you hope they notice that you are focusing on yourself, and let that thought go. Keep focusing on your own pain, find your own means of soothing yourself, and do your best to not make this process about your partner and how much of a jerk they are being. The point is to disengage, not to engage further by giving the silent treatment back at your partner.
If you are giving the silent treatment, because it is a habit you learned, and you want to figure out how to disengage, you are likely going to have to face some vulnerable feelings. While you are giving the silent treatment, notice what sort of thoughts you are having. How much attention are you actually giving your partner during this time, hoping that they will feel hurt by your silence? You are also ignoring yourself if you are sitting there silently punishing your partner. Use this time to really explore what it is that is upsetting you. Find out just what it is you hope that the silent treatment will accomplish. Know that speaking will be much more effective in communicating your specific needs and desires.
A relationship is a dynamic between emotional equals. Even abusive relationships involve an abuser matched with a person who believes that they don’t deserve better. It is tempting to break the dynamic down into the black and white world of “right and wrong.” The silent treatment is part of this equation. The best way to change an unfortunate dynamic is to change the part of you that fits the dynamic, rather than try to change your partner.
Update, November 29, 2016: After reading through the comments on this post, I felt like this one wasn’t quite complete, so I have written a sort of Part 2 for it, called Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: an Experiment for You. To read more, go here.
More posts that you may find interesting:
What the Pain of the Silent Treatment May Be Telling You
Posts about the Silent Treatment
Learning to Speak in a New Emotional Language
Is It Okay for Parents to Give the Silent Treatment to their Children?
Handling Conflict by Ignoring the Problem
88 comments
Permalink51
The one who has/shows the least interest has the power. Think about that!
To Roberto – I agree, it is both men and woman who do this, and have it done to them. The silent treatment is prejudice! I think women are just more prone to write it out on a blog site!
While sometimes a person give the silent treatment to manipulate, I think sometimes a person who is emotionally immature, doesn’t know what to do…so they do nothing. Or, perhaps they are trying to make up their mind as to whether they want to continue the relationship. Give them space. LOTS of it! And meanwhile, be good to yourself!
Live your life. I did, and he came back around. During his silent treatment, I changed. I am not “acting” different, I FEEL different. His silence was painful but I made something constructive out of it. I learned to live my own life again without him. I started going out to dinner with friends again. I did not invite him – not to play games but because I simply didn’t want to. I have learned that it is better to SAY things, than to ASK things. To ask a question allows the person who is giving the silent treatment to reject you. It also requires them to make a decision they may not be ready to make. They are obviously in a bad place if they are acting this way.
For example, instead of saying, “When are you going to put your wedding ring back on?” I said, “It would make me happy if you put your ring back on.” He smiled and the next day it was back on. This is after many weeks of the silent treatment and s-l-o-w-l-y beginning to speak again.
Although it is so difficult, and so painful to work through, it is very important to live your life regardless of what another person is behaving like. You did before you met the person, so do it again while they clam up! And decide if YOU want them.
I STRONGLY suggest NOT giving the silent treatment in return. This is not productive. It does nothing positive. Besides, do you want to be like THAT? I kept saying “hello” when I came home from work….like I would to anyone. I remained MYSELF. Even if he didn’t say it back. Eventually he did. Don’t think they are having a good time while doing this. They are lost. Stuck. Miserable.
You don’t have to be!
Permalink52
The one who has/shows the least interest has the power. Think about that!
To Roberto – I agree, it is both men and woman who do this, and have it done to them. The silent treatment is NOT prejudice! I think women are just more prone to write it out on a blog site!
While sometimes a person give the silent treatment to manipulate, I think sometimes a person who is emotionally immature, doesn’t know what to do…so they do nothing. Or, perhaps they are trying to make up their mind as to whether they want to continue the relationship. Give them space. LOTS of it! And meanwhile, be good to yourself!
Live your life. I did, and he came back around. During his silent treatment, I changed. I am not “acting” different, I FEEL different. His silence was painful but I made something constructive out of it. I learned to live my own life again without him. I started going out to dinner with friends again. I did not invite him – not to play games but because I simply didn’t want to. I have learned that it is better to SAY things, than to ASK things. To ask a question allows the person who is giving the silent treatment to reject you. It also requires them to make a decision they may not be ready to make. They are obviously in a bad place if they are acting this way.
For example, instead of saying, “When are you going to put your wedding ring back on?” I said, “It would make me happy if you put your ring back on.” He smiled and the next day it was back on. This is after many weeks of the silent treatment and s-l-o-w-l-y beginning to speak again.
Although it is so difficult, and so painful to work through, it is very important to live your life regardless of what another person is behaving like. You did before you met the person, so do it again while they clam up! And decide if YOU want them.
I STRONGLY suggest NOT giving the silent treatment in return. This is not productive. It does nothing positive. Besides, do you want to be like THAT? I kept saying “hello” when I came home from work….like I would to anyone. I remained MYSELF. Even if he didn’t say it back. Eventually he did. Don’t think they are having a good time while doing this. They are lost. Stuck. Miserable.
You don’t have to be!
Permalink53
Lisa:
I think you are right when you said that sometimes they are silent because they don’t know what else to do and you’re also right — I don’t want to be giving the ST back to him. Being long distance makes it more difficult. He might take my silence for not wanting to talk to him since I was the one who got off the phone. I sent him an email and said that I’m not sure if your computer is down still but just in case, I wanted to write and ask you to let me know if you wanted to talk tomorrow. I said that I was not calling him because I wanted to leave him alone in case that’s what he needed, but I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t want to talk to him. I said that if he gets the email, to let me know either way and maybe we can talk tomorrow. I said I hope you’re well, I miss you and I love you. Again, his computer may still be down, but at least when it’s up and working he will see that. I know, I could call him anyway — but, I don’t know why — I just don’t want to. At least not yet. In the mean time, I’m choosing love instead of anger and will go about my life and see what happens.
Permalink54
This is an awesome site. All the stories and input on this blog is what I need to hear. My partner and I have been working through issues, and the silent treatment is one of them. We’ve been doing good, but its back to the not returning texts or phone calls. We did have a paticular instance, not a blow up or argument, but an uncomfortable talk just the same. I guess he needs space to think about it. I’m going to do my best to not reach out and pester, and be perplexed, but live my life as I normally would and wait for him to come around. I’m highly upset because well it sucks.
Permalink55
Please give me advice. On Jan 1, 2011, I called my father because me and my mom got into a fight. I asked him to come home because my mother and I don’t get along. My dad was my best friend and I would tell him everything. He told me that he was ice fishing and wasn’t coming home. Later that night I got a call from my ex-boyfriend. He needed a ride home from a party that was about 30 minutes away from my house. I asked my mom and even though it was 2am, she said it was ok for me to drive him home. I left and the roads were kind of bad, but I didn’t want him to drive home drunk. I made it there and on the way home I hit a drift on the highway, flipped my car, and was stuck upside down. I had to call the 911 and was brought to the hospital, even though I was not hurt. My mom came to the ER and my father came later. That is when the silent treatment started. Two weeks after the accident, I tried to talk to my father at the breakfast table but he completely ignored me. I tried a couple more times that month to talk to him and he completely ignored me. Since then he has made comments to my mom saying that he doesn’t care if he doesn’t talk to me, it doesn’t effect his life. It has now been 145 days without us talking and he ignores me when I am in any room. I need help. It adds alot of stress in my life. My current boyfriend is having a hard time with it too. He just wants everything to work for me and he doesn’t know how to helps. and on top of it all, I don’t even know what I did wrong. My mom even asked for me what I did wrong and my father wouldn’t tell her. My friends help with the stress too. My best frined is going off to college 3 hours away, my boyfriend is going back to college 2 hours away, and my older brother is going off to college 2 hours away in September. Sadly I am only going to be a senior and have one more year left of school. Stuck in the same house with a man who went from someone who I truly loved to someone who is a complete stranger adds to much stress in my life. So I’m thinking about moving out over the school year. My best friends parents have pretty much adopted me this past year. They will let me live with them and move into her room while she is at college. I would never imagine myself move out of my house while still in school, but I don’t know what else to do. Its my 18th birthday in two weeks and my mom said my dad already said he isn’t going to talk to me. I’m close to the point where I don’t even want to talk to him because things will never be the same. There is no explaination in the world that will excuse him for what he has put me through these past months. But on the other hand I just wish I had my dad back. Please tell me what I should do. I need advice.
Permalink56
This is a great site for those who are receiving Silent Treatment. My boyfriend has been ignoring me for almost a month because I said something that hurt his feelings and I think it was not the first time. I tried to make him talk but it was useless; I guess like Lisa said, he may be still unsure whether or not to end this relationship. At the same time, I am too improving myself as to not making the same mistake again. Thank you Elyn, for this great site. I wish everyone a happy and loving relationship! 🙂
Permalink57
The silent treatment can become a catch-22 scenario started by the person giving the silent treatment. (S)he gives the silent treatment and will not communicate with the partner. Then, the partner detaches and stops talking to the person giving the ST. The person giving the ST views that the partner is now giving the ST. Ever feel like you can’t win?
I agree with Lisa – continue to speak to the person giving you the ST. You don’t have to bend over backwards or make yourself crazy to engage conversation, but speak to them like you would any one else. Say hello when you see them. When I’m given the ST, I still say “hello”, “good bye”, “I hope you have a good day” and “I love you”. I try not to ask the person questions because I will not receive a response. But like Lisa said – continue to be yourself. We are responsible for ourselves and how we behave. We don’t need to be rude back.
Unfortunately, I’ve also seen that by me saying these things, my partner gets even more mad. Oh well, that’s on her. I’m going to keep being polite, nice and loving. I need to be happy with myself and I am accountable to God for how I treat other people.
Thanks for the blog!
Permalink58
I have been giving my fiancee ST after she said things that really hurt my feelings, not for the first time but I have just had enough now and I could only think of ST as she is so unreasonable and when i told her i was hurt she simply told me to go cry about it and to stop being a pussy!
well, its been 1 week now and we are giving ST to each other. she never apologises for anything and I dont expect her to approach me but im having serious thoughts about the relationship.
i dont know what to do. People can say dont give ST but at the same time, what else can you do when you are emotionally hurt by verbal abuse? i dont want to leave her but at the same time, i dont want to keep being hurt and made to feel the way i do.
Permalink59
Ethan — you ask “what to do”. I think many of us who write on here understand the same feeling of desperation when in pain. In my opinion, the answer is to just “live”. You cannot control the behavior of someone else – only your own. In turn they may change their actions, but that can’t be your motivation. Your focus should be on yourself. Stay busy. Say yes to social invitations and invite friends yourself to do something, like see a movie, have a drink, dinner, sports, whatever you enjoy.
Verbal abuse is SO destructive and hurtful. I cringe when I read there is verbal abuse with an engaged couple. Think about it before you marry someone and be true to yourself. Marriage doesn’t change a partner’s behavior. I always thought the ST was a phase when I was dating my husband. It would only last a day or two. As I wrote a few months back, after ten years together, he went 6 weeks! A shock to me, I didn’t know he was capable of such a thing. I now know it is how he handles anger and deep emotional issues. Many things besides our issues were hitting him at the same time and it was me he took it out on. It doesn’t work and I am very unhappy in this marriage right now because without communication it is extremely difficult if not impossible to overcome problems that we will ALL have in our relationships. That was March and while we are “normal” now, we aren’t really inside of our hearts because things slowly returned to the same cycle of brushing emotions and issues under the rug. We are friends again but physically and intimately things are not right yet. It takes time but don’t ask me how long because I’m not there yet!
How did we stop the ST? I just kept on doing my own thing, and being kind. Kept on, and kept on. When he got nothing out of giving me the ST – such as revenge or pain (that he could see), he stopped. No one was begging for his attention. There was no reward for his behavior. Not only that, when I lived my own life instead of focusing on him, he had space to process the issues and slowly started to allow himself to accept love again. That’s what part of the ST is – it is a closing off of themselves, not of you.
Meanwhile, I am trying to deal with resentment and letting down the wall to accept love again myself. I am very guarded after what happened. I see a wonderful therapist who helps me stay on my own path, and encourages me to send him love in his own journey. We are together, but we are both working in our own ways which is why I haven’t given up. I see progress. Like your partner he never apologizes in MY way – the words “I’m sorry” – but he has in many many other ways. We don’t all speak the same language. When he offers his love in ways such as helping my mother, fixing my car, taking me to my favorite dinner, calling me during the day just to say hi, etc…I recognize that he too is scared but is reaching out (and apologizing) in his own way. My therapist said something I find helpful that I would like to share:
“Put out there, what you would like to receive.”
I want peace and love, so that’s what I’m giving. To all of you as well that are hurting and healing.
Permalink60
I too am in a relationship where we often give each other the silent treatment. It’s helpful to read everyone’s comments. For me, the dynamic is this: my fiancee sometimes gets angry when she’s reminded about a time in the past (going on two years ago) when I hurt her. I’ve never cheated on her or even considered cheating on her, but the incident in question did cause her to feel very jealous, and I can understand why. We’ve talked about it many times and I’ve apologized for it many times and tried to explain (often getting frustrated and defensive in the process, unfortunately), but it seems like she doesn’t completely trust me yet. It’s hard to predict what will remind her of this incident, but whenever she’s reminded of it, all the pain comes back to her and she gets upset. Usually what happens is she snaps at me and starts giving me the cold shoulder – turning away from me, storming off, acting generally in a way that I interpret as she needs some time away from me. So my natural reaction is to let her have some alone time – partly out of a desire to give her space, if she needs it, and partly out of a fear of trying to talk to her when she’s that upset. I’ll usually try to gently interact with her 5-10 minutes later and she’ll still scowl, turn away, and give me short answers. So I usually figure she doesn’t want to talk to me yet, and I go do something else. At that point, I figure the ball’s in her court – when she wants to interact with me, she’s welcome to. But hours will pass, sometimes this will last overnight (I might sleep in another room). When I finally check in with her again, she’s now angry that I avoided her for so long and essentially says I’m giving her the silent treatment. It seems like she views it as my responsibility to break the silence that she started – as if she wants me to keep following her around begging forgiveness. I understand that what happened 2 years ago hurt her, but it also seems to me like she’s blown it out of proportion. So my questions are: is this common behavior among women? Is this the type of reaction you’d expect if a woman had been *really* hurt (as much as if I’d cheated on her), or could this be expected for less serious matters? Am I reacting to it in the right way? Is it my responsibility to keep checking in on her, or is it sufficient for me to simply tell her I’m ready to talk when she is and let her come to me?
Permalink61
Hi, my boyfriend recently gave me the silent treatment and its been 4days now. Its frustrating coz we’re in a long distance relationship also. It was the first time I ever lied to cover up a silly mistake I had done, but I felt guilty so immediately called and him up and admitted what I had done. The stupid things people do aye? Anyways, I let him tell me off coz I knew I was wrong. After that he hasn’t been replying to any of my texts, emails ar even answering my calls. Its frustrating coz I’ve been begging for forgiveness, telling him how sorry I am and that I’m prepared to change but I still haven’t been able to get any response from him. It’s hurting me that I still don’t know whether he wants out or just needs space and time. In the past, he shuts off everytime I say something that puts him off, sometimes even for a week. I love my boyfriend, but he’s hurting me too by being silent. I want us to work things out, but he’s not talking so how will I know what he’s feeling or what he wants? I need to be happy too and I’m not going to give him the pleasure of hurting me anymore. I’m going to try to live my life and hope he comes around coz I still love him. But If he does’nt then oh well, that’s his loss.
Permalink62
I am and have been going thru the ST for a while. I don’t know why I choose people who do that to me and I feel intense pain. Words can’t describe how i feel. I can’t eat/ breathe. i blame myself. Due to this, i can’t show my true feelings. I feel that if i do then he will put me through the pain over and over again. I understand that i have to work on myself and it is so hard. I have read all the articale and they are helpful. I know in my heart that things need to change. He will never change. I don’t deserve this. I Just need to work on me and move on.
Permalink63
i am going through a silent treatment at this time.i liked a guy at work and i always treated him well , he was an asshole all truth being out, but i think it must have been sex appeal cos it wasn’t for his brain, he would be nice some times and spend his time looking down the grand canyon( my BOobs ) they are not that small, then he started this accidentally on purpose touching off me with his elbow, he did this three times and then decided to go and cry about it to the boss,
i got so mad at him i asked the boss to give me an opportunity to give this man an ear full . ( in contrast to his behaviour to me) any way i got to tell him what i thought of him for what he did and called him all the cavemen i could think of, i hurled so much abuse at him and told him what an ignorant good for nothing scrubber he was, insignificant amoeba on the ground. this was to give my self a chance to release tension and make him feel small, , she said something to me. i listened and did nothing, some weeks later he did it to some other lady at work and i wrote him a text telling him what i thought of his shite behaviour , he stupidly showed it to the boss who told him he was a shite, told him he had f…cked me over and told him he deserved it, now he had also shown his wife this and
she is now keeping him away from her , saves me the bother, the boss told him he drove me to it with his linda this linda that. the boss knew i liked him but also knew i wanted him just to be good to me. i was straight with her about him and she appreciated this, he couldn’t believe she was not believing him. .i haven’t heard any thing from him in nearly a year and it is hurting me but i am fighting the urges to make him talk because i fear if he talks he will find ways of getting back to where he was, f…ing around again, i will not accommodate him and his behaviour, he knows where i am to talk to me, but he’s too much of a coward , this is probably not what you wanted to hear but we each deal with things our own way and when frustration sets in we have to find another route all the best to you all, ditch the bugger as you are not his shrink .
Permalink64
I’m not alone…wow. I left with a simple email and returned his belongings. This will not happen again. Godspeed to each of you.
Permalink65
Hi, just wanted to say that I stumbled on this site while googling for a solution to my relationship problem. Some history on this relationship. My partner and I have been together for close to 5 years now. I always thought that we were going fine, everything looked rosy, we were looking to settle down and all. Little did I know that she’d been bottling up a lot of hurt.
We got together before my university days, and everything was beautiful then, in fact the most beautiful memories were when we started out. Then, when my university began, I started to focus on studies. She complained many times that she felt that she was being fridged and taken out only during semester breaks, but I assured her that it was temporary. So recently I had graduated about a few months ago, and started a new job. I wasn’t happy in my new job. I had high hopes, aspirations that weren’t met by this job. And I kept worrying, kept thinking about how to get out of a rut that was my job. I spent a lot of time, at work, not texting her, not communicating with her, instead, I kept searching around, thinking about my next step in my career. I wanted to upgrade myself, learn new skills, get a better job. I would pour out all my negative feelings about career to her, never mind that she didn’t want to listen and that she had problems of her own. Many times she told me she was getting influenced, losing the zest for life, feeling tired, jaded, disappointed. She cried many times. It wasn’t about career only that she cried, it was about many other things like my refusal to go walking along the river because it was late, my refusal to go cycling/swimming with her because I wanted to stay at home learning about a technical skill, my refusal to go to church because I didn’t believe I needed God as she did. She hinted many times to me as to why I was not buying flowers for her anymore, why I wasn’t writing cards to her, doing the things for her as when we first started out. Many times i thought it was just a temporary phase, and I never bothered to take concrete steps.
So, after close to 5 years, one night she just snapped. She didn’t get angry. But on our routine phone conversation night, she just grew quiet. As I was rattling on about myself, I sensed something wrong. Now, she’d actually done this many times, and I did it back to her, and most of the time, she was the one to apologize. And this time, I grew worried, anxious, kept asking her what’s wrong. In the end, she told me something I never expected. She said she wanted time off from our relationship. She said she was feeling jaded and she wasn’t feeling self-actualized. She said she felt like a doormat being trampled upon all the time. I got down to her house immediately, and I was so anxious and worried. I didn’t realise there was anything wrong until now. I kept trying to assure her, I said I was sorry, and she seemed receptive, but after the next morning, she again reiterated that she wanted a cooling off period. So on the second night I pleaded with her for a chance to talk to her, and she said ok. On the phone I thought I convinced her to give it a second chance, to try her best together with me. On the third day, I went down to her house, sprang a surprise visit on her. I thought I convinced her to give me a second chance, but little did I know that the next morning, she texted me and said she couldn’t do it, and she didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. She again wants a cooling off period.
Im confused. Im all prepared to amend any wrongs, change myself for the better, but I feel tired, and I don’t know if I should push the limit. So I agreed, and she agreed that she would continue to text, but not call or meet up. I tried to persuade her otherwise, but she’s firm on that. I don’t know what to do now. I know she still cares because she said it took her many nights of crying alone before even breaking this news to me, but with lines of communication cut off by her like this, I really don’t know what to do. This relationship is important to me, and I’m worried. I don’t want to lose whatever little we built up over 5 years.
Permalink66
I was never treated with the ST before. My parents were basically very emotionally stable individuals and while they were quiet, it was not the same as giving a child the ST. Since last year, I began to go out with my present partner, who seem unlike a partner at at all. He seems to be a bit strange, even from the start. Unlike other people I’ve known who wouldn’t mind answering my calls and texting back, this love of my life do not answer my calls and only sometimes would text back. It is very confusing and very very frustrating. I wake up very tired because I end up thinking about it the whole night.
Recently, I started to look at his kids, how they treat him and how his relationship is with them. They seem to care but at the same time, keep their distance from him. I guess they too have gone through this many many times throughout their life and it must have bothered them a lot up to the point where they too become experts in ST. Now, I understand a bit better that if I want to continue on with this relationship, I would have to be ready to face this part of it — the ST because I really don’t think it is something that will go away. This behavior seems to be so much a part of him. I don’t know what caused it. I am not really that willing to try to find out and find a solution for him. I am sure he knows how much he is hurting me with his behavior, but he just doesn’t care, or probably relish it because he feels the power. I don’t know.
All that said, I don’t intend to give him the ST. Everyone in the thread seem to be saying the same thing — don’t adopt the very attitude that served you so much pain. So I won’t. I’ll continue to say hi, but I’ll stop waiting for him to text me back or call me. I’ll stop asking when we’re going out together. I’ll stop finding excuses to be together. I’ll just learn to enjoy my own company, the company of so many friends who enjoy my friendship rather than pine for a man who enjoys his ST.
I spoke with one person who probably asked for my partner’s help at one time and said that it was difficult to deal with him. I find this to be my case too. Before we began going out, he told me that he was in love with another person, but this relationship did not work out. Then he was blaming me for every bit of bad luck that he has gotten. It was really confusing how a grown up man of his statutes could be so childish and treat people with such a demeaning behavior.
I now realise that there is no future for me in this relationship. It is enough. I don’t want to be controlled by someone who cannot control his own emotions. I want a stable life, with a man who loves me and my kids. Not someone who enjoys messing up people’s mind and wrenching people’s heart with ST. It is enough.
Permalink67
I enjoyed reading most of the entries made about people receiving silent treatment. its really interesting how in life we share a lot in common. recently i went on a trip to meet my lover and when i arrived all was well. he even picked me at the airport and we made passionate love after arriving at the hotel. he then left and said he had to work the next day. he then called to check on me the next day and then after talking to him a couple of times he told me he would not be able to see me coz he was so busy with work. them i kept insisting on seeing him and he got kinda mad then the silent treatment began. after two days i found my way back to the airport and came back home. i tried calling him and he never picked. then i text he never responded. i am not sure what i did or said that really made him so mad and so silent to me. i decided to not communicate coz i dont know what else to do.
well i read a post that said do not ask, say what you want without begging. i am going to do that and then i will start living my life again. i still care for him but if he still wants me then he is going to have to lighten up and get back to his senses coz i am here for him.
Permalink68
I understand the advice to keep talking to the person and being the change you wish to see in the relationship, but I just cannot do it anymore with my mother. I am 24 she is 56 years old and for years now she randomly gives me the silent treatment, never telling me what or why she is upset about. Then after days of not speaking to me, acting like I don’t exist in groups of people, and not responding to my she just decides to speak to me again, ESPECIALLY when she needs something. It’s happened so many times I can’t even count them, and I’m just over it. I used to try to ask what’s wrong, I tried to continue being positive and nice, friendly/cordial…I still get no respect and the situation has not changed. I still haven’t found any solid advice yet, and everyone just says “she’s your mother, just forgive, just do this, do that bla bla”
But I honestly, and numb now she has stop talking to me again, and I have no desire to re-communicate. Honestly, I’m enjoying the peace. I’m not perfect, but I am a damn good daughter I’ve been helping with cooking and cleaning since I was 7, I practically raised my younger sister, I went to college, got a job took care of myself all by myself. I never know why she stops speaking to me, and usually when I find out its something petty -like I did not respond to her text message on time or something. Who stops speaking to their daughter over the holidays-SHE DOES every time. She is a miserable person. I’m ready to give up.
Permalink69
Dear Lulu,
I am no expert but with a lot of life’s lesson, my personal opinion is that at some point, be it your mother, a best friend, or a spouse, you have to do what is best for you. I do not believe anyone has to stay in an abusive relationship, even if it is with a mother. What I would like to share is that I have learned there are several ways to end a relationship. One is in anger which is of course because you are hurt, and you then just cut them off. This doesn’t leave you feeling peaceful when you sleep at night. However, if you can, in a quiet moment of your own, wish her well with this small prayer/mantra/whatever you want to call it. Imagine your mother in your heart, with her own pains and sufferings, say (in your own heart), “I release you mom to your own path. I wish you peace and love.” And then let her go. Depending on your faith you may say (as I do), “I release you (___) to God. I wish you peace and love.” Sometimes I say it 10 times in a row, softly and genuinely. And I let go…of course it’s easy to pick back up so I may do it again the next week, but the point is, you do NOT have to take abuse from anyone. Just wish them peace in their own life, on their on journey, and disconnect however you feel you need to. You don’t have to give them so much space in your head, if you let go peacefully. Sometimes I do not understand why people act the way they do, I can only assume it is because of their own pain and fears in their life – which is sad. And so, sometimes you just have to step back, or away. But it doesn’t have to be in hate or anger, it can be in peace.
Just a thought, and sharing something I have learned and find to be helpful.
~I wish YOU peace and love. 🙂
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I am currently getting the silent treatment from two of my sisters. I recognize that they are not emotionally healthy ppl. They have never been there for me and never have my back. But I am expected to support, congratulate and attend their life events and if I don’t, I am punished! This is hard core silent treatment–like for years. Marriages, births, deaths won’t break it. And the other ppl in my family take their side because they want to feel like we are a happy family (Denial/enabling) I’m done! I want out of this! I am 40 and have surrounded myself with healthy ppl (husband and friends). But even though my sisters live hours away, I can feel the tension. The tension makes me nervous, edgy and want to emotionally eat. My dr says it’s also killing my thyroid. YIKES! My natural reaction is to want to break the tension by apologizing and clearing the air (that has always been my role.), even though I no longer want a relationship with them. So how do I not let the tension get to me? This is an old pattern with me and they know how to exploit it. If I can not let the tension get to me, I will be FREE!
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Hi Lulu-
My apologies for taking so long to write to you here- I’ve been meaning to for a while.
There are two issues here: the first is that your mother is giving you the silent treatment, and probably has done this to you in some form your entire life.
I’ve just written a post about parents who give their children the silent treatment, and you can find that here: http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?p=316
The other issue is that you are trying to navigate just what kind of relationship you want to have with your mother as an adult, and whether or not you even want to have a relationship with her at all. It sounds like the “advice” you are getting is not helpful- that people are shaming you for feeling angry with your mother, and that she somehow should get a free pass on her behavior toward you, just because she is your mother. Sorting through all of these feelings is complicated. There is nothing wrong with you disengaging with your mother and her childish behavior while you sort things out. Also, the great thing about being an adult is that you do get to choose who you have a relationship with, no matter who that person was to you as a child. It may take you years to sort out exactly what this means, and a good therapist can help you navigate all of this. I will do my best to write a post about this in the future. Take care.
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Five years ago after years of ups and downs my girlfriend and I broke up – on her initiative. It was a very difficult and painful experience. My residence is in the southwest. At the time some of my property – a sea kayak and all the gear to go with it – was in storage at her summer cabin on one of the Great Lakes. After the break up, I asked for access to my property, and let her know a neighbor and friend offered to help as a go between if needed. I got no response.
Since then I have attempted contact numerous times, have asked friends and family to inquire on my behalf, etc. and still the silent treatment. Beyond asking for my property I have tried to open the door to communication and good will, have let her know my pain, and getting no response have stopped. My last attempt was a year and a half ago. I have considered legal action but the cost (especially being long distance) is prohibitive.
Still after all this time, I would like my property. The kayak was / is very special to me not to mention worth a few thousand dollars. I’d go knock on her door and ask for it, but again the long distance is a problem.
Anyone have any ideas how to break this silent treatment? How to get my property back?
Many thanks Elyn for a great website.
(ps. Please do not share my contact information, thanks.)
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My husband of three years uses the ST allll the tiime. He does not know how to communicate. He uses the silent treatment when we have issues to talk about,when he gets mad or just about any time. He moved out 3 months ago- we agreed to work on the marriage but it still continues. We tried counceling – made it thru 3 sessions – I have tried to talk with him about this and I have told him that I will not tolerate it anymore. Oh did I also mention that almost every month – around the end of the month – he seems to have what we women call his period week. Did i also mention that to end the silent treatment – I have to contact him – tell him I miss him so on and so on – to make it end. It is like a game – he gets mad, he stops talking to me, I have to show him that I am hurt, then he wants to just have eveything go back to normal. Well it has been three weeks since he has talked, texted etc… with me. I have found a lot of usefull information about the ST and now understand and believe that I do NOT deserve this type of abuse. I must also mention that we have four kids – i have 3 from previous marriage and he has one from previous girlfriend. This time he has had nothing to do with my children also. I have decided that I must end this destructive cycle and this marriage. Who ever knew that the silent treatment could do so much damage. I welcome any comments. Thank you for letting me tell my story.
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Thank you for this post. Every time my roommate gives me the silent treatment, I come and read this and it helps me feel better. Right now, I’m unable to move out. The person I live with is a close friend of mine. He also owns the house. He and I get into arguments whenever he is stressed out at work. In his mind, it is always my fault, no matter what has happened. Rather than resolving it with me or discussing it after we’ve cooled off, he will often not speak to me for days and days, including not passing on phone messages or mail. I am also disabled, and need some assistance around the house. He withdraws help during these silent times and I am on my own. I am not saying I may not sometimes or frequently be at fault during these arguments but I don’t believe that should result in this kind of treatment.
I have asked many times for him not to give me the silent treatment, but this doesn’t help. Neither does going to him and bringing the issues up during the ‘silent period’, because it usually results in me being yelled or screamed at – he waits for me to come and see him so he can get everything out he’s been thinking during the silent time. (I usually try to resolve things by thinking of it as a “no fault” situation (i.e., there is no right and wrong, just miscommunication, misunderstanding and hurt feelings on both sides), but I am dealing with someone who believes they are always in the right and I am always in the wrong, so this usually results in me apologising/compromising/giving ground and him feeling that his behaviour is justified.)
Usually the only way to resolve it peacefully is to wait until he’s ready to talk again. He will usually start talking again as if nothing has happened. If I try to bring up what happened it results in more yelling and more silence, so normally I just let it go and we never ever talk about it. I hate this dynamic. There is no healthy way for me to resolve this situation, apart from moving out which I just can’t do right now.
I have ended up walking on eggshells around the home. Whenever one of us is a little tired or cranky, I leave the room in case an argument starts. I frequently don’t bring up
issues around the house now, but just sort them out some other way, often by hiring help. And I do my best to ask help from him as little as possible, because this is often the source of the tension.
Is there some other way I can change my behaviour to prevent this happening, or some other way to deal with things during or after the argument? Apart from look after myself and focus on my needs, I don’t know what else to do.
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Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for 6 1/2 years. We had a fight at Xmas wasn’t sure if he want to continue the relationship but then January he started to trust me again and called me his girlfriend again everything was great. He went overseas with his dad and his step family that he doesn’t really get along with for 3 weeks. He sent emails and texts saying how much he missed me and sent a valentines day email saying how sorry he was for not being there.
While he was overseas I moved back home 7 hrs away from the city where we both lived separately. He knew it’s only for a short while until may so I can finish my studies.
I sent him emails asking when he arrives back but he didnt respond. Four days later I knew he had come back due to his half sister posted it on Facebook. After several calls and texts he finally wrote back saying sorry and he’ll talk to me that night he busy sorting him self out. So we spoke that night. He told me he had to vacate his rental place as soon as he got back and moved in with a friend. A friend that has cause trouble before and hates me. He knows I’m not that happy with it but he reassured me that it was just until he find his feet. He didnt come back with much money so he went back to work the next day. He said said he misses me and looking forward to seeing me but not sure when that will be as he has a lot of things to sort out. He told me to call the next night. So I did but he didn’t answer. I got worried and called several times. The next day I tried again but no answer. I apologized the next day for all the calls and asked if i could come visit on the weekend but no reply. I left it a day then I asked again bout visiting, he replied this weekend is no good sorry I’ll let u know. So I left it until Sunday I call no answer, I got him to answer by calling off a number he didn’t recognize. He said sorry straight away but I said not good enough. He went on to say I contacted him too much hes not interested and hes happy being by himself in his room. I told him how I felt then he said just give me time to find my feet and then you can come and stay but you have to give me time. I said ok as long as you text me once a week letting me know you care he said ok, You give me time and I’ll let you know what going on, I’ll send you what you want and I’ll let you know when you can come stay.
I left it for a few days then I went crazy n texted n called he replied sorry he was in the shed painting and he’ll call soon. I should have just left it a alone here but I didn’t I texted and called the next day no reply then apologized the day after. Only to go crazy with the calls and text a couple of days later then he text I’m ok sorry for not answering. Then a week later he texted after a day of me hassling he wrote stop it I’m getting sick of you, I’m busy. Now I haven’t heard from him in a week.
I know I hassled him and pushed him as I write this I’m disgusted in my self I don’t blame him I won’t talk to me either.
Is this relationship Save-able?
Is it too late to give him space?
Will he contact me?
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I won’t talk to me either.
Sorry that was meant to be “I wouldn’t want to talk to me either.”
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I understand if a person is upset they may want to walk away for a moment, to gather their thoughts. I feel if they refuse to break the silence in a matter of hours or a day it’s a form of abuse. I used to be shut out from my husband for weeks at a time. We would be in the same home and he would talk. This became so draing over a 2o year marriage I became ill. Once I gained my own courage to walk away I felt alive again.I will never deal with that type of controling abuse again.
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i hired my sister to be a part of my business . She is the treasurer and the book keeper of my small company. It is a real estate business. I do not have any access of the finances due to the our distance, plus i gave her all the financial control. One day, I had some personal issue in our family and confronted her with it. I thought it was a positive thing for the family but she took it personal and gave me a ST. She had shut me off, no text no calls has been answered. I tried to apologize but no success. This always had worked before but this time she went overboard with it. It had affected the flow of the business. After few weeks, I was very very mad at her initially, however after days of recollection, I decided to change my ways, I became aware of who I am trying to please all this time. I had discovered my own strenght as an owner of the business. This time, I had to put my feet down and ignored her mania. I sent a letter to her as my employee to transfer all funds into my account and requesting to see all the financial activities of the business. I sent it to her as a memo from a business owner. I really do not want to hurt her, but this is nothing personal, I have to get the business floating again. I really do not care how she will perceive it. I felt like I was held hostage due to the finances under her control and not to hurt her because of our personal ties. I want to fire her but I still care for her as a sister. She needs her job.
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Hi I have been getting the silent treatment for 4 1/2 days now. Started Sunday 10-2-16. the fight was over something very small but this is always the outcome. We really don’t fight over any of the big things that married couples would fight over. So this is so very frustrating. I am trying to just go on with my daily things, work, house cleaning etc. Trying to show that it is not getting to me. When I come home from work he is in the back bedroom sleeping. Our 10 year anniversary is Friday 10-7-16 and I was going to surprise him with tickets to a college football game on Saturday I already have that in the works. I also bought him a gift. This was purchased before the fight. I feel like just not getting the tickets and taking the gift back. Any suggestions would be great.
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Mary Beth- When you say that you are trying to “show that it is not getting to you”, you are engaging in a dynamic that feeds the problem, because the silent treatment *is* getting to you. Pretending that it isn’t getting to you is not helping and it feeds the silent treatment in a different way. It turns into a battle of wills. There is nothing wrong with telling him that when he gives you the silent treatment, it gets to you. You can tell him how it makes you feel when he gives you the silent treatment. That is different than trying to get him to talk to you. If he isn’t talking to you, you can write him a letter saying how you feel, and that you are not sure what to do about your upcoming anniversary, and how that makes you feel. You can ask him how he is feeling. Once you have written this and given it to him, resist the temptation to try get him to talk to you. Let him know that you are willing to listen and discuss the problem when he is ready to use his words, but that you are not okay with being punished via the silent treatment. If he does come forward to discuss what is bothering him, know that for silent treatment givers, this is a scary thing to do. Will you be able to hear him if he takes the risk and breaks the silence to talk to you about all this?
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My husband and I got in a physical fight. This has never happened he started insulting me and my family therefore I slapped him for him to stop. He didn’t he kept at it. After that he grabbed my arms and wouldn’t let go of me. He threatened to hit me if I didn’t stop. I kept pushing away and kept telling him that he was hurting me. All I remember is that he pulled my hair and started pressing my head to the pillow and idk how I got off but eventually I did. I ran to the restroom and I told him to leave me alone but he managed to open it even though it was locked. He kept insulting me and threatened me to call the cops. This all happened because he blamed me for waking him up. I had woken up to go to the restroom. Now he is giving me the silent treatment. This time it is a bit different because for one I haven’t gone to him apologizing and he has been sleeping on the couch and tries to not disturb me. Usually he goes and slams doors and calls me names and screams but this time it’s just different. I do feel bad for slapping him but it’s not the same as him hurting me. He’s very strong and for a while my arm was hurting. For the first time I don’t want to talk to him. I’m just letting it be. I don’t know what to do since we both hurt each other.
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I have been married for 16 years. My husband just reunited me with my sister after her and I did not speak for 5 years if was an awesome feeling. I wanted to return the favor and have my husband and his dad talk, and my husband got mad and is now giving me the silent treatment. We have two kids and my husband often gives me the silent treatment when he is mad at me. I just tried to bring all sides of the family together was I wrong can anyone give me some advise?
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I have just returned home from a vacation early because of a huge fight with my boyfriend on day 7. We had spent 7 days together so stress was building. But what caused the fight was something very thoughtless and hurtful that he did; then he denied that what he had done was a big deal at all and accused me of being too sensitive. That’s when I got really mad and we got into a blowout fight. I left the vacation early 10 days ago.
I called him two days after I left and he said we could talk when things calmed down, but my two email attempts at apologizing and asking if we could forgive each other have gone unanswered. I am getting the silent treatment from him and it is not the first time. I always have to be the one to go towards him and try to make amends and suggest positive steps forward.
It hurts like hell to be ignored and wonder where you stand. I know this is not healthy. I wish I did not love him as much as I do and that I could walk away. But there are wonderful aspects to our relationship and we had so much joy before this fight.
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I recently give birth to twin girls 4 months ago. Prior, to having the girls my husband would give me the ST for days weeks until I begged for forgiveness. Before, my babies it was hard on me mental and emotional and would do anything to get to forgive me. All together we have been together for 4 years . Now, that we have babies I don’t have the energy to beg him. Our fights are stupid , over little stupid things. I tell him marriage couple have real issues. I love my husband , I want us to have good relationship and for my babies to have normal life with their mom and dad. I also, take care if my 80yr mom and 86yr dad. Work 6 hrs day and then be a wife and mother. I’m so exhausted my example has no understanding or compassionate. Gives me np credit, expects me to be super women. Our last fight was over my indoor cat giving us cancer from his hair, and so keep it out the bedroom. Before , the babies my husband cuddle with cat, played with cat, I asked him what changed and he blew up at me. Told me to walk away end if story, don’t give home 10 words back. I always saracfice and do what makes him happy or comfortable. I called the 2 days after and told I love him , I don’t want to fight , I so much on me I can’t take anymore. Not only have been struggling as new parents of twins, money , my husband life hasn’t changed like mine, I barley have time to gym or take of me. He works , go to school and gym 3 hours. Plays with babies 2 x day for 30 mins. He has never watched them more 45 mins. After , tell him I give my cat to relative and want marriage to work, I loved him. He still continue to give the silent treat? Also, intimacy has been difficult because what my body is through since I had the twins. My husband can be so loving and helpful but also he cam be selfish jerk. I don’t know what to do to fix this. I’m suffering really bad, I getting numb and don’t have the energy to beg . That’s usually the only way he will forgive me. Then after he forgives me , I tell him I have l es armed my lesson and won’t do it again. Please , on how can make this better and save my marriage
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There is something very ironic about dozens of comments relating to ST and asking for advice … while no one responds.
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Wow what a great blog! Attention is an addiction. Be mindful of your addiction level. I suggest turning off text notifications and read receipts. If it’s an emergency they will call you. The silent treatment does not exist if you’re not an addict jonesing for another hit of attention. Cheers
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http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?page_id=119
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