Disengaging from the Silent Treatment
Many people struggle with the silent treatment as a form of conflict in relationship. The dynamic tends to be as follows: one person withdraws attention from the other, who then responds by trying to get their partner to break their silence. The more the recipient of the silent treatment attempts to break their partner’s silence, the more the giver of the silent treatment gets the attention they want, the more silent they become, and a vicious cycle has begun.
So, how does one break the vicious cycle? It depends on which side of the dynamic you are on. On both sides, it is tempting to respond from a place of pain, and find ways to make your partner feel that pain. This only feeds the cycle, because you are still focusing your attention on that person.
If you are getting the silent treatment, you need attention, and the only person who can give it to you is yourself. The best thing to do is to notice how much you are ignoring yourself by trying to get your partner to see you. You don’t have to play the same game. You can say whatever it is you need to say, then focus on yourself and tend to your wounds. Notice how much focus you still want to give your partner when you hope they notice that you are focusing on yourself, and let that thought go. Keep focusing on your own pain, find your own means of soothing yourself, and do your best to not make this process about your partner and how much of a jerk they are being. The point is to disengage, not to engage further by giving the silent treatment back at your partner.
If you are giving the silent treatment, because it is a habit you learned, and you want to figure out how to disengage, you are likely going to have to face some vulnerable feelings. While you are giving the silent treatment, notice what sort of thoughts you are having. How much attention are you actually giving your partner during this time, hoping that they will feel hurt by your silence? You are also ignoring yourself if you are sitting there silently punishing your partner. Use this time to really explore what it is that is upsetting you. Find out just what it is you hope that the silent treatment will accomplish. Know that speaking will be much more effective in communicating your specific needs and desires.
A relationship is a dynamic between emotional equals. Even abusive relationships involve an abuser matched with a person who believes that they don’t deserve better. It is tempting to break the dynamic down into the black and white world of “right and wrong.” The silent treatment is part of this equation. The best way to change an unfortunate dynamic is to change the part of you that fits the dynamic, rather than try to change your partner.
For more on the silent treatment, please go here:
13 comments
Permalink3
Thank you for your website. My boyfriend has been giving me the silent treatment for a week just because I do not feel comfortable with a particular invitation. Its Boxing Day and up until Christmas Eve I tried to call him and left a text message to say how much his behaviour was affecting our relationship and that we should try and reach a compromise but have heard nothing. I feel I have to walk on eggshells around him which I never wanted to do following a previous relationship which I allowed to knock a lot of confidence out of me and he knows this. I do not want to go through the depression I went through previously and I have tried to break up from him twice due to other problems but he has always given me assurances which makes me feel so positive at the time. He tends to give me the silent treatment every few months and this is the third time he’s done it around the time of a special occasion (including last Christmas). I was determined to make the most of Christmas Day with my family as I did not want my hurt to spoil anybody else’s day. However, today I just feel so down but from your words and other comments submitted I know I have got to pick myself up. So thank you very much.
Permalink4
Dump the jerk! I had a friend do this to me well, I thought was a friend.I tryed to apologize many,many times.It didnt get me anywhere.I think that people that do this like seeing you suffering so,they keep ignoring you.Yes I know its hurts coming from someone that says they love you,but there really nothing you can do.Take hard look do you really want someone that does this ? Find someon that really loves you and will communicate when theres a problem.I did and im HAPPY!goodluck
Permalink5
My husband gives me the silent treatment quite often…it makes me angry, because i am the one responsible for taking care of the household needs. Hard to get anything done, when they are not talking to you! I behave rather strangely now, before I use to get into a fight, now I just go to bed and sleep it off, till he is fine again. I need the sleep, because this form of abuse, makes me very tired. However its not solving the inital problem, What should I do?
Permalink6
i have tried for years to break the spell I fall under when my partner gives me the silent treatment. Your description of disengaging was a life saver. My partner is a very non-assertive person, he hates confrontation of any kind and will go to great lengths to keep the peace with his three daughters who are incredibly controlling. When they upset him, often in regards to me being at his house when they visit, he gets angry, but in the long run, i get the silent treatment and they get hugs for behaving. They tell him they don’t want me around, when i am, they behave politely but you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. He always says, well that went well. If i was at all emtional, if I express my feelings about it, then for 2-3 days he doesn’t speak to me. When i back off and don’t call or e-mail, he calls, saying “are you still speaking to me?”. But i hate stooping to his level. Your suggestion to state my case, that i don’t know what’s wrong so I can’t help, have given me a healthy response i can work with. I refuse to use the silent treatment against anyone, even if that person is doing it to me. thank you so much.
Permalink7
This is the 6th day of silent treatment from my boyfriend of 9 years. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times this has happened over the course of our relationship. Each time, I apologize and then try to get him to break his silence. Not this time. Enough is enough. I can’t do it anymore. He’s out of town and I’m dropping his key at his house and taking what little things I have of mind there back to my house. Thank goodness I never moved in because I just didn’t want to do that to my children. The sad thing is, I thought I found a man that really loved me, but instead I finally realized all I had was a man that wanted to control me. I was married to one of those…how did I do it twice?? I hope I remain strong!!
Permalink8
My husband of 30 years is a passive aggressive silent treatment manipulator when he gets mad. I have learned not to play the game, I do not try to fix the situation or him, I dont try to get him to talk, and I dont feel responsible for his feelings – the part I cant seem to get around is that it makes me angry, and it makes me want to hate him for trying to manipulate me that way. It *does* have the affect of keeping me from confronting him with things I want to confront him with, because I know that he will take it there, and I deeply resent it. I spend way too much time feeding my own needs and ignoring his childish behavior, and it really spoils the chance for a vibrant relationship
Permalink9
I have lived with controlling and silent treatment, and all kinds of other narcissistic behaviors for 40 years from my husband . Have always thought the trouble in our relationship was my fault, as I react emotionally when I am ignored, and made feel as if I do not exist. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep beside him and he never as much as touches me to comfort me.
This is one of my needs that he does not meet, – he will not communicate in any way unless it is something that concerns him and our business. I think that this silent treatment is just another way of control – my way or the highway.
Permalink10
My boyfriend of a year has often used the silent treatment and I am fed up and want to confront him. Do I actually tell him he is using ‘the silent treatment” and that it is a form of abuse and control?
He is also passive aggressive so he will, I’m sure, sit there and just say ”I’m glad you pointed that out to me” or some other stupid response.
Any advise on the best way to bring this up?
Permalink11
To the other posters, especially the ones in long-term marriages/relationships.
Can you think of a way you could have handled this earlier on?
Did you confront them back then and they just didn’t change or did you not even realize what he was doing ?
I’m 52 and so is he, and dating is complicated enough at this age without throwing in someone with these issues which I’m sure he has had his whole life. I do remember several times he said past gf’s called him controlling (now I know why) and want him to get mad/angry (classic passive aggressive behaviour).
Oyyyyyyy – it’s just not worth it I’m sure.
Permalink12
wow.well i have just moved out of the house of my boyfriend of 5 yrs. Ii just could not take it anymore! But he still gives me the silent treatment . Thanks for the advice on this site. I was doing exactly as i shouldn’t – nearly making myself explode with the task of trying to break through the wall. I have only hurt myself . but still it just seems so childish.
Permalink13
Thank you for this post. I am only in a relationship for 3 months with some one who has given me the silent treatment the first time I confronted him with an issue 2 weeks into our relationship. 2 days ago I told him that I was unhappy with our relationship and while I was at work he moved all of his things out and dropped his key in my mailbox. He’s now given me the silent treatment for 2 days except for telling me where the key was.
it wasn’t until I started researching how to deal with this adn my emotions that I realized his behavior is passive aggressive and manipulative. Thank goodness it was only 3 months int he relationship and I recognized this now. It retrospect it felt like a very abusive relationship in an emotional way.
For anyone reading this, be strong and love yourself. If you do not have obligations otherwise like children or signfiicant financial ties preventing you from leaving, end the relationship as soon as possible. Staying in it will only reinforce his/her bad behavior and continue to erode your self-confidence.