Expectations can Lead to Frustration
As a new parent, I am re-learning many things. One lesson in particular is about getting attached to expectations, versus understanding the reality of a situation. When we have an expectation that has very little to do with reality, and more to do with our desires, we can easily become frustrated.
Learning our baby’s napping routine has been a perfect example of this. After reading about babies that sleep for an hour or two at a time, I began to expect this of my own baby. Unfortunately, her naps are thirty minutes long, no matter what. My expectations that these naps last longer than that caused much frustration all around, until I surrendered to the reality of the situation. Now that I am not fighting the truth, everything is going more smoothly in Nap World.
There are many ways we can ignore the truth by setting up an expectation, a way that things “should” be, rather than how they really are. A common example happens in relationships: we have an idea of how our partner “should” behave, while ignoring the truth of the situation. We might fall for this person’s potential, our vision of who they could be if only they would change this or that. The frustration comes when that person does not cooperate with our vision. Rather than spending countless hours trying to get them to be what we want them to be, it is more fruitful to see what the truth is, and decide whether we can accept it, and what that acceptance means to us. While the truth can be hard to accept, acceptance gives us nothing to fight with, and the real work can begin.
2 comments
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hey,
I believe one can learn to accept (which is the hardest part to do) when they decide they don’t want the pain caused by their own expectation. In other words, you’re causing your own pain, therefore, believe you deserve better than being deceived, it has nothing to do with the choices you made, (I’m sure your partners have other qualities that your brilliant mind picked ) so, it’s not that bad to accept they are not that good when they fell your expectations. Let go of your expectation, even if it feels right to do so, otherwise, the road may be long and painful , but you’ll still reach it. Take my advice, better now than later.
Permalink2
Having too high expectations of your partner makes it tough on your partner. I am with someone who expects a lot of me, more than I can give. It’s exhausting trying to live up to her standard. I’m learning to detach from it. But then, she is often disappointed and says things to me that hurt. From the way she treats me and what she says about me, I don’t think she has a good opinion of me. She often says derogatory things or says “you should do this” or “you should be more _______”. Or she calls me a wimp and says I don’t have any b*lls. She says I’m not mature, she calls me immature.
I think she expects me to be someone I’m not and can never be. I do believe in growth and I know I am changing and will continue to change, but certain things will never change. We can’t expect people to be 100% what we want them to be any way. That’s so much pressure. The only One we can expect to be our all in all is God.
I have accepted that she is like this. I have lowered my expectations on a lot of things as far as she is concerned. “Don’t expect anything and you’ll never be disappointed.” If we love people, we won’t put unealistic expectations on them – that’s a huge burden. It’s exhausting – physically, mentally and emotionally – to try to live up to them. And, when I admit that I can’t be everything she wants me to be, she accuses me of not trying and copping out. She says I don’t care about her or the relationship. My goodness! 🙂