When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option
Almost six years ago, I wrote my first post about the Silent Treatment. I wrote it from the perspective of someone who is on the receiving end of the silence, and it struck a nerve with many people who have been given the silent treatment. I had no idea that it would touch such a nerve, and it is still the most-read page on my blog. Most of my posts on the silent treatment have dealt with it from this perspective, but not from the perspective of the person who gives the silent treatment. Today, I will be writing from a new perspective.
Reading through the comments, I have learned that some people who give the silent treatment do so because it feels like their only option. Some have stated that they resort to the silent treatment because they don’t trust themselves in a conflict; that if they actually say anything, they will yell and scream and hurt the person they are with, because in the past they did so. This person feels as if the silent treatment helps them stay in control of their own emotions, the ones that they are scared of letting out. Other people have described feeling a need to use the silent treatment because they are with a partner who is verbally violent, perhaps abusive, and yells non-stop during conflict. This person feels powerless in their relationship and feels that the only way to level the playing field is to give their volatile partner the silent treatment. This is someone who is in a lot of pain, who feels that their partner will not allow them to express this pain, and who has resorted to a method that inflicts an equal amount of pain on their partner. I have even noticed that when a person like this tries to explain their perspective in the comments thread, they might be met immediately with anger, shaming and judgment in a comment from someone who has been hurt by the silent treatment. It’s easy to see the dynamic that both people are involved in.
I have mentioned before that the silent treatment is about control. What lies underneath the need for control is a feeling of helplessness. Powerful emotions like anger feel so dangerous that you fear you will injure your partner if you express them, so you resort to the silent treatment because you think that it is less hurtful and less dangerous. You might not believe that the silent treatment is painful to your partner and you might believe you are sparing him or her from something much worse. If this is the case, it is important to share these feelings with your partner at a time when things are calmer. It is also important to learn how to feel and express the more difficult emotions. Getting therapy can provide you support in this.
If you are resorting to the silent treatment to deal with a partner who reacts by yelling when you try to express your feelings, then it is time to examine the relationship. You and your partner have resorted to opposite extremes that are unhealthy but still fit perfectly together like puzzle pieces. If you feel that you are in an abusive relationship and know that your partner is not willing to work with you to change things, then it is time to gather the courage to leave the relationship. If you feel that you and your partner can work together, then you both will have to do some things that take you out of your comfort zone. You will have to take the risk of coming forward and saying how you feel. Your partner will have to risk hearing uncomfortable truths from you without immediately reacting. A good couples counselor can guide you both in how to do this while creating a safe environment for both of you. Healing your broken parts brings upheaval, but in the rubble you will find treasures.
You may also be interested in these posts:
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: An Experiment for You
When You Love Someone Who Treats You Badly
Finding the Courage to Leave A Relationship
There are No Bad Emotions, Just Powerful Ones
Swallowing the Conflict to “Keep the Peace”
Learning How to Speak in a New Emotional Language
8 comments
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I didn’t see a reference to the same type silent treatment I’m experiencing. It isn’t with a partner but a relative. He infuriated me by his words and actions and some of the same in the past which wasn’t addressed. Those things bothered me at the time but I didn’t say anything as there were others around. But it did grow by the time we were separated by many miles later that day. I sent him an email expressing my ire in great detail and all without name-calling, I should add. At the end I suggested we talk over the phone and asked him to call me. That was two years ago. We haven’t actually spoken since then. We are facebook friends, but he won’t ever comment on my posts as I do his sometimes. I feel like I was the one hurt by him but he’s slinked off with his tail between his legs instead of trying to settle the situation. When I’m hurt, I do attack, but I’m willing to discuss things calmly if he’s willing to just acknowledge that he made me feel bad, too. I still feel hurt and angry so I don’t want to stuff it as if I don’t. What’s the answer here? We’ve never been really close so maybe neither of us feel a need. Any thoughts?
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Dee- My very first post about the Silent Treatment, called Dealing with the Silent Treatment, was written in response to almost exactly your situation. I’d offended someone in an email by telling her how something she’d said had made me feel. I received a very explosive email in return, then the silent treatment to any response I gave her. I don’t play games like this, so I stopped engaging after it was clear that any more communication with this person would keep the game going. I have never heard from her again, and I have never looked back. Feel free to read that post and any others to see if there is anything there that could help.
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I had a friend, who has done this a few times to me, she does her silent treatment after she attacks me for something she realizes was her fault. This last time is literally the last time. This is a pattern with her to the point I could predict the time of year she does this. Every spring. I would get nervous around spring time waiting for her to have one of her tantrums. And it wasn’t necessarily anything I do to her. One time is was over how I was helping my teen daughter navigate WIC for her pregnancy! None of this friends business!
Each time she gives me the silent treatment she waits about two years then there she is again suddenly, emailing me again. No sorry from her either. This time I blocked her on every level. Email, phone, social media. I will not allow her to do this to me again. It does hurt too much.
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My reason for the silent treatment…
I had finally had enough of family drama with my parents and siblings. When our parents would do hurtful things, my siblings and I would vent to one another but if I ever tried to put boundaries in place with my parents, they would cry to my siblings and I would be the bad guy. Even when my siblings thought some of my approaches with my parents were wise, in the end, they still could not openly back me up. After living this repeatedly for 40 some years, I finally stopped communicating with my family. They see me as being immature, mean and spiteful. I call it survival. I do not retaliate. I simply choose silence – and ultimately walking away. Sometimes silence happens because they won’t accept what you have to say anyway.
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Three weeks ago I lost my father to cancer. During the difficult couple of weeks before his death my work colleague told me how I would feel after my father’s death and was horrified by the family’s decision for a DNR and other things relating to the situation. I had always been very open with this person so to now find myself at the sharp end of his assumptions and opinions, at a time when I needed consideration and support, was distressing. I was shocked at how unfeeling he was about the whole situation. At that time I wasn’t able to say that he had upset me because it seemed that my father’s death was a much bigger deal. I now find I cannot speak to this person at all. I seriously fear being at the butt end of his opinions. My only option seems to be to remain silent. Probably I should tell him that he seriously upset me at a time when I really didn’t need to be upset, but I’m still struggling with my father’s death. My colleague has suffered a lot of loss. He lost a brother as a child, another a few years ago and both his parents are dead. He seems to have set himself up as an expert on grief and loss, but he doesn’t know how I feel and shouldn’t have made the assumptions he did. Yes, I should say this to him, but I am afraid this will give him permission to bully me with his opinions. In the past I have used silence to protect myself in this way. I was badly bullied as a child. Silence means I become invisible.
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When you say things constantly and feel like the other person just isn’t listening to what is being said, silence becomes the only option. Some people can only talk so much, saying things over and over that have already been said only heightens the irritation and frustration for them.
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Currently inflicting the silent treatment to my ex friend/roommate. We used to be together and he left me for another girl. After a while, since we also were all coworkers, I had to forgive him. Even tho I felt highly betrayed. We ended up both getting a job out of town, and had to move in the same house. After 10 days of being friends, having a lot of fun together, sometimes just snuggling and watching movies, he went on a trip to our hometown and brought this girl back with him.
What bothered me is that he knew this situation broke my heart and was extremely hard for me to deal with. And before we even moved in, I told him that he could have any girl over BUT her. And we had that conversation a thousand times. So when he decided to let me know he was coming with her, I told him that if he did I wouldn’t be his friend anymore because that meant he had no respect nor compassion for me and would force me to have someone I’m not comfortable with under my roof. He came back with her anyway. She stayed for two days I didn’t say a word to any of them. I felt and still feel so utterly humiliated, it’s like he has spit in my face. He said some really awfully mean things to me when I was asking him to leave me alone cause he was nothing to me anymore (it went from « this is such an ugly trait of your personality. You’re a jealous asshole. Too stupid to change » to « die »).
Today I’m stuck with him here because I have no money to move yet and a contract at that new job that I’m starting next week. So the silent treatment literally is my only option. To protect myself.