Learning Who We Are by Puzzling Our Selves Together

The other day, my daughter and I saw an interesting drawing: it was of a puzzle being put together by a child who was in the puzzle itself.  My daughter had questions.  Why was the child in the puzzle?  Why was the child doing a puzzle?  She forced me to think about this drawing in a way that I wouldn’t have otherwise.  The more we talked, the more interesting it became to me.  The puzzle-child, like all of us, is putting pieces of herself together as she grows.  I thought about this more this morning as I watched my daughter’s process as she put together a jigsaw puzzle.  Some pieces are easy for her because they clearly match up to other pieces.  Some pieces are more difficult, and she tries to force them together because she thinks they should fit.  Other difficult pieces are so unfamiliar to her that she tries them out in multiple locations, turning them around and around to see if they fit.  Over time, puzzles get easier for her because she does the same one again and again, and she memorizes the pieces.

Self-discovery is much like a puzzle that we both occupy and that we piece together.  We learn some things more easily than others, and the pieces seem to fall into place naturally.  Artistic expression might come naturally to one person, while another is a born engineer.  Other lessons are more difficult.  We might try to force some pieces into our lives that just don’t fit, because we want them to or because we think they should.  Plenty of people start out on one career path only to discover that they aren’t cut out for it, or that it makes them miserable.  When this happens, we eventually learn about who we are not, which is just as important as learning about who we are.   There are also lessons that require us to try different angles and approaches to find out where the pieces fit.  A person may have several romantic relationships before discovering what they want in a relationship.  We need all of these and more approaches in order to really puzzle our selves together.  Over time, life gets easier because we do these puzzles over and over and we memorize the ways in which we learn.

When to Give an Ultimatum

I’ve written before about why ultimatums rarely work in relationships.   Relationship ultimatums tend to go along the lines of “Change your behavior, or I leave.”  Most of these ultimatums don’t work because the person issuing the ultimatum isn’t ready to follow through with the threat to end the relationship; however, there are times when an ultimatum is in order

An ultimatum is a final demand that, if not met, will result in a direct action.  In the case of the relationship ultimatum, the direct action is leaving the relationship.   The word “final” is a crucial part of the definition.  In some relationships, it isn’t clear whether you can move forward with your partner.  You reach a point where it is less important for you to keep the relationship intact than it is for you to live your life a certain way.  You might love your partner dearly, but their behavior hurts the relationship in a way that you no longer wish to tolerate.  If you tell your partner for the first time that their behavior is upsetting, then an ultimatum is not called for.  This is because the ultimatum, as defined above, is a last resort, a final demand.  It is time to resort to a final demand when you have tried everything else.

If you have already asked your partner to change the hurtful behavior, and you are unhappy with the lack of response over time, you might be considering an ultimatum.  You can only give a truthful ultimatum if you are indeed ready to end the relationship.  If you aren’t ready yet, there is no point in rushing things by issuing an ultimatum that you can’t follow through on.  If this is the case, try move your focus from your partner’s behavior to your own.  Issue yourself an ultimatum to change your behavior of accepting poor treatment.  This will help you to gather the courage to leave if necessary.  Once you have that courage, you may no longer be interested in issuing an ultimatum in the first place, because you may simply end the relationship.  But, if you still have such an interest, the time to issue an ultimatum is when you have the courage and means to follow through on it.

Other posts that you might find interesting:

Finding the Courage to Leave a Relationship

A Breakup Disguised as an Ultimatum

Ultimatums and Power

 

 

Learning How to Speak in a New Emotional Language

Lately, my daughter is trying to figure out how to spell things.  She knows how to spell her name out loud, but when it comes to putting the physical letters together, her instinct is to make the letters go from right to left. Seeing her do this made me realize that I’ve taken for granted this left-to-right English writing style as if I were born knowing it, as if it were some physical trait rather than something learned. You don’t remember learning things at such a young age, so they feel innate, part of who you are. It is easy to believe that this is part of how everyone else is, and to forget that there are written languages meant to be read exactly the opposite of how we read our words.

There are learned emotional qualities that can be mistaken as part of who we are, too. If you grew up in a dysfunctional environment, you learned certain behaviors and beliefs about yourself in order to survive. You learned them so thoroughly that you grew to believe that they are part of who you are. Maybe you learned to swallow your anger when facing an injustice, because the consequence of speaking up was too dangerous.  Perhaps you learned to hide your pride in any accomplishments because this was considered shameful behavior.  You might have grown to believe that you don’t deserve love.  As an adult, you may be operating as if this is just who you are, not realizing that these are learned behaviors rather than innate traits that cannot be changed.

Just as it is possible to learn a new language, even one where you have to learn to write in the opposite direction, it is also possible to learn new behaviors, even ones that go against the beliefs that you were raised with. The first step is to understand that you learned these behaviors, that you weren’t born with them. It won’t feel natural to learn new and healthier behaviors at first, but with practice you can learn and become fluent in a new emotional language. Learn this new language and a universe will open for you to explore and enjoy.

Other posts you might find interesting:

Learning to Use Words

Knowing and Communicating Your Limitations

When you meet someone that you want to be liked by, you might be tempted to hide your limitations for fear that you won’t get a chance to have a relationship with that person.  This holds true in personal and business relationships.  You perceive that this person will reject you if you can’t give them what they want, so you promise them something you can’t give.  As time goes on, you disappoint that person by not following through on your promises.  Ironically, what you were doing to keep the relationship is the thing that ends it.

I once knew an incredibly talented contractor who had recently started his own business.  He often would double book himself because he was too afraid to tell new customers that he wasn’t available when they wanted him to be.   He’d promise to start working on a certain day, and when that day came around, he wouldn’t show up or call.  He’d apologize, make a new promise that he couldn’t keep, and then not show up again.  Needless to say, he lost the trust of his customers and gained a bad reputation, which hurt his business dramatically.  His fear of losing business became reality because he couldn’t follow through on his commitments.  Sadly, if he’d communicated his time limitations, these customers would have waited until he was  available, because his work was very high in quality.  He also would have known that his customers hired him with full knowledge of his limitations, leaving him with nothing to hide.

If you are tempted to hide your limitations from someone because you want to have a chance with them, pause and imagine the future you have to look forward to by doing so.  Perhaps in a job interview, you want to say that you are willing to work weekends or evenings if asked, but deep inside you know that this is not possible.  If you say that you can and you get hired, you’ve already built uncertainty into your job future, because you were dishonest about your capabilities.  If you say you can’t work weekends and you don’t get hired, you’ve saved yourself from a future layoff, which is much worse than not getting hired. If you get hired even though you say you can’t work weekends,  you have built some security into your position.  You know that you were hired, limitations and all.  The knowledge that you have nothing to hide truly enhances your ability to enjoy and grow the relationship you’ve started.  Your future is much clearer when you are honest with yourself and others about your limitations right from the start.

Communicating Your Intentions in Relationships

The way a person drives speaks volumes about they way communicate. Today, for example, I was at a four-way stop sign. There was a car stopped at the same time, directly across from me. The driver started to move forward without flashing a turn signal, so I assumed that she, like me, was going to drive straight forward. When I started to move forward as well, she honked and gestured angrily while turning left in front of me.  In essence, this person was angry because I didn’t read her mind about the fact that she wanted to take a left turn. If she had signaled her intention, I would have waited.  Luckily, this lack of communication resulted in no more than a bit of irritation for her and inspiration for a blog post for me.  It could have ended in an accident, one that would require much more energy and work to fix than using a turn signal to begin with.

Some relationships suffer from similar lack of communication.  If you are starting a relationship with someone, the passion of falling in love can be overwhelming.  Passion tempts you to move forward as fast as possible without stopping.  So, maybe there’s an uncomfortable but important fact about what you require in a relationship that you are afraid bring up.  You hope this person just understands this about you, and feels the same way so that you can keep going in the direction the passion is taking you.  Maybe you are looking to get serious this time around and you want to have children.  It could be that you don’t want to get serious, and you never want to have children.  Either way, you don’t bring it up because you want to be with this person.

Time goes by, and you become deeply attached.  Now this conversation is going to be much scarier because you have more to lose than you did when you first met your partner.  If you discover that your relationship goals are completely incompatible, you are now faced with having to pick up the pieces of relationship wreck that could have been avoided.  To avoid this scenario, slow down and signal your intentions early on.  It will save you time, energy and heartbreak.

Emotional Decluttering

After reading an article about doing a financial 30 day challenge, I decided to try the article’s suggestion to sell one thing on Ebay per day for 30 days.  There’s a lot of clutter in our house, and even though we give some things to charity on a regular basis, there are other things that I’ve been hanging onto that I have no use for.  What makes these items harder to get rid of is the emotional or financial investment I put into them when I bought them.  They occupy precious shelf space, precious because we have a small house with very little storage.

Some of these items represent an idea I once had about myself that isn’t true.  I’m getting rid of the chiming table fountain that was supposed to remind me to be deeply and quietly mindful all the time.  The truth is that I don’t like to be deeply and quietly mindful all the time, not even a lot of the time.  Some of these items did fit me in a time of my life that no longer exists, but was fun while it lasted.  I’m no longer young and skinny and interested in dressing up fancily but uncomfortably to go out on the town, so some of those cute little outfits have got to go.  Other things cost a lot of money when I bought them, and it pains me to think that I spent that money foolishly.  No matter how much those shoes cost, they just don’t fit. Selling these items makes it easier for me to let go of them, because I feel more motivated to let go of things if there is some reward or compensation for making the effort.  Then I can spend the money on things that enhance my life.

Just like physical clutter, there is emotional clutter that is taking up space in your heart; space that could be occupied by more satisfying emotional experiences.  Maybe you have a job that appealed to an idea of who you wanted to be when you applied.  Perhaps you have a friendship that did fit at first, but no longer does, and you’ve been holding onto it because you once had so much fun together.  It could be that you invested years of your life to someone romantically, but it is becoming clear that you just don’t belong together.  In order to let go of emotional clutter, it helps to have something to motivate you, some sort of reward or compensation.  If you only think of the thing you are letting go of, it will be much harder to let go of it.  What are you making room for in your life by letting go of the job, the friendship and the relationship?  Find the answer to that question and let that be the motivation for decluttering your emotional life.

Other articles that you may find interesting:

You Invested A Lot of Energy Into It, but You Don’t Have to Keep It

Emotional Energy Drainers

Cleaning Out the Refrigerator

Relationships and Shoes

“Handling” Conflict by Ignoring the Problem

Recently, my daughter had her very first splinter in her foot.  This splinter was obviously making her uncomfortable: she was favoring one foot and wincing as she walked around.  I told her that we needed to take the splinter out, and that it might hurt a bit.  Well, she was not interested in having a showdown with that splinter.  The idea of an unknown amount of pain was far more terrifying to her than the idea of limping around indefinitely in the state of mild discomfort that she’d become accustomed to.  As far as she was concerned, she could ignore the pain of keeping a splinter in her foot far more than she could handle feeling the pain involved in taking it out.  She seemed to be imagining a pain greater than any of us have ever been through, and this imagined pain terrified her.  Of course, leaving that splinter in was not an option, because it would have become infected, which would cause even greater pain, and more complicated extraction methods.  In the end, it took about three minutes to get the splinter out: three rather loud screamy minutes, but three all the same.  Then everything was just fine, and she then became fascinated with the story of how she’d gotten her splinter taken out.  She was so proud of how brave she’d been.

Many people treat relationship conflict in the same manner my daughter treated her splinter.  Even though it is inevitable, conflict gets treated as if it is a horrible thing to avoid at all costs.  If you are conflict-averse,  you’d rather keep your unexpressed, festering feelings to yourself than bring them out into the open, which is much scarier.  If you’ve never done it before, you might imagine a horrible and disastrous showdown.  You may believe that you are keeping the peace, but in reality, you are keeping the conflict buried inside, much like a splinter burrowed in your skin.  This is not peaceful for you.  It will eventually grow into something more complicated and painful, and getting it out will be far more complex.  Acknowledge to yourself and share with your partner that you feel scared about bringing this conflict out into the open.  It is brave to bring the conflict out in the open even though and especially because you feel scared.  By doing so, you stop accommodating your unexpressed feelings.  You may not like what you brought to the surface, but it’s better out in front of you than inside.  This frees you from an uncomfortable holding pattern.  Now you can move forward and leave the conflict behind.

More posts that you may find interesting:

Ending a Relationship by Using the Silent Treatment

Avoiding Issues by Trying to Ignore Them: Denial and the Thumb

Dealing with Your Anger

Communicating about Taking Space in a Relationship- An Alternative to the Silent Treatment

Often in a relationship, there is one person who needs more personal space than their partner. It can be hard for someone who doesn’t require much space to understand their partner’s need for it. Often, that need can be interpreted as rejection. If you are someone who needs more space than your partner, it can be difficult for the to ask for it in a straightforward manner, because you fear that it will offend your partner.  Maybe you have been shamed for your need for personal space.  This difficulty in asking for space often results in the use of less direct methods of trying to get it.  One such method is to suddenly retreat into silence, which triggers your partner’s feelings of rejection.  This retreat exacerbates the situation, because now instead of giving you space, your anxious partner comes to you even more, asking what is wrong, and why you aren’t speaking.  Space is not what you have here, and now maybe you are angry with your partner, and want to punish them for not respecting your uncommunicated need for space.  This often is what leads to the Silent Treatment.

There is nothing wrong with needing personal space in a relationship, and it is crucial that you communicate that need ahead of time instead of expecting your partner to read your mind when you need it.  The best time to do this is when things are going well, rather than during a conflict.  Being intimate with someone means sharing truths about yourself.  Treat these truths as simple facts about yourself, as innocent as having a certain hair color.  (Green eyes, brown hair, needs personal space from time to time, likes spaghetti).  This makes it much easier to not judge your traits as good or bad, and to ask the same of your partner.  The flip side of this is to agree not to judge your partner for their traits that are different than yours, such as needing to talk things out more than you do.  In addition to telling your partner that you are a person who requires personal space from time to time, it is also important to discuss just what your need for space looks like, how long it can last, and how you can communicate this need in a respectful manner.

Because this is a relationship and not a dictatorship, you will need to compromise on some things.  You might really want to have an indefinite, uninterrupted amount of time to take space (days? weeks?), but that is not fair to your partner.  You may not know in advance just how much space you need.  If this is the case, it is good to schedule some check-in times, where you check in with your partner to let them know if you are ready to talk, or if you need more space.  Your partner needs to agree not to interrupt your space until the scheduled time.  This way, you know that you get to have this space, and your partner knows when you will talk again, even if it is just to schedule the next check-in.

This may not smoothly at first, because you are both going to be triggered in some way.  You are trading in some old habits that you relied on in the past for new ones that are unfamiliar, and this is bound to bring uncomfortable feelings up for both of you.  In the long run, you free yourself from this painful and tense dynamic that has hampered your ability to enjoy your relationship.

Other posts you might find interesting:

Learning to Use Words

Learning How to Speak in a New Emotional Language

Not all Silence is the Silent Treatment

Being Truthful in Relationships Means Sometimes Saying What People Don’t Want to Hear

Telling Your Partner What You Want- The Valentine’s Day Version

The Things We Do To Avoid Asking Questions

My daughter knows how to ask for things nicely, but lately she’s discovered that when she does, sometimes the answer is “No.”  As a result, she’s been experimenting with ways to avoid getting the answer she doesn’t want.  Instead of asking, she announces things like, “I’m just going to have a taste of this butter,” or “I’m just going to stick my finger in your nose.”  Her technique is to do whatever it is she is announcing as fast as she can, mid-announcement, before we can say “No.”  She hasn’t learned this yet, but doing things this way has the opposite effect of what she’s trying to achieve: it creates more conflict (we have to block her physically) and it reduces her chances of getting what she wants.

We all have our ways of trying to avoid getting an undesired answer from the people we are in relationship with, because it is easy to equate the word “no” with rejection.  Let’s say a couple has a fight.  Afterwards, one person wants to know that everything is okay, and wants to be held.  The other person wants a little space because the fight brought up some angry feelings.  The partner who wants to be held is too afraid that the answer is “No,” and instead of asking, reaches over and tries to hug the angry, space-needing partner, who then pulls away because asking for space is too scary.  Now one person feels rejected, and the other feels intruded upon, and the tension in the room skyrockets.

It can feel awkward and vulnerable at first to do this, but asking for what you want rather than just grasping for it can prevent a lot of heartache.  In the example from above, the person needing to be held can ask for this, rather than grabbing their partner.  The person needing space can ask for this, rather than simply retreating into silence or giving the silent treatment, which is the equivalent of grabbing personal space without asking.  When you allow the people you have relationships with to say what you don’t want to hear, you invite truth into those relationships.  This goes a long way to reduce game-playing and communication breakdowns, and to increase authenticity.

Other articles that you may find interesting:

Learning to Use Words

Mind-Reading, Guessing Games, and Communication Breakdowns in Relationships

Why Ultimatums Rarely Work in Relationships

Being Truthful in Relationships Sometimes Means Saying What People Don’t Want to Hear

Being Truthful in Relationships Means Sometimes Saying What People Don’t Want to Hear

At some point in all real relationships- whether romantic, parental, or platonic- one person is going to do something that the other person dislikes. It is impossible to be genuine and truthful in relationship without sometimes disappointing or frustrating the people you have relationships with.  Communicating in advance, and following through with what has been communicated makes this much easier.

Here is an example of poor communication.  Years ago, I had a pretty complicated bout of appendicitis.  When it was time to take the drain tube out of my stomach, the doctor told me it wouldn’t hurt.  He lied.  It hurt like nothing I can describe without expletives.  I asked him why he lied and he told me that he didn’t want me to be scared.  I was pretty angry about this.  By lying to me about what he was about to do, he took away my ability to deal with the resulting pain in my own way.  Sure, it would have been painful either way, but this was my pain to deal with, not his, and I would have preferred not to have to deal with pain while also being completely shocked by it too.  I did not trust him after that.

Today, my dentist gave me an example of excellent communication.  He knows that I despise being shot with the novocaine needle.  I know that he has to use it in order to give me a filling.  So, when he gives me the shot, he tells me when it is going to hurt, whether it will be a little sting or a big sting, and for how many seconds I will feel it.  He does this by announcing “Here comes a little sting,” and then counting backwards until I can expect to feel no more pain.  I trust him to tell me what to expect, and then to follow through on what he’s just told me.  I am able to prepare and deal with the pain on my own terms, which generally involves closing my eyes, breathing deep, and letting out a grunt or two. I completely trust him, even though I dislike some of the things he has to do in order for me to have healthy teeth.

In relationships it is easy to act like the doctor who says “This won’t hurt a bit.”  It may even be well-intentioned: you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or you don’t want them to be scared.  So, you keep a truth from your partner, child, friend so that they don’t feel bad in the short run.  In the long run, this withholding truth erodes trust.  Consider the discomfort of being honest in the short run as an investment in the relationship: you are growing trust in your relationship, and real trust is what allows a relationship to deepen and grow into something beautiful.

You may also find these posts interesting:

You Can’t Be True to Yourself Without Somebody Getting Disappointed

“I Want to Break Up With My Partner, But I Don’t Want to Hurt Them.”

Asking Your Partner for What You Want- The Valentine’s Day Version

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