Relationships & Shoes

Once, I bought a mocha-colored pair of hiking shoes because I was in love with their color. It was a completely emotional choice. At the store, the salesperson told me that these shoes were discontinued, so they didn’t have them in a larger size. I went straight into denial about the fit- they were a little small, but I just couldn’t get over the color, so I bought them. After a hike or two, my toes were killing me. I tried some more denial tricks with the shoes, such as tying them differently, or wiggling my toes around in them-but I couldn’t pretend anymore- my feet would not condone my denial. I needed to either stop hiking altogether (unlikely) or buy new shoes, even if the new design wasn’t as yummy and chocolate as the old one.

In life, sometimes we make similar emotional choices- we fall for a person because they are beautiful, or funny, or they make us feel wanted. Maybe we fall for that person’s ideals. As we get to know them, we try to ignore the signs that she or he isn’t truly a match for us, because we just want them, or our idea of them. We may try some denial tricks. A popular one is to become focused on that person’s “potential” which is basically what we imagine this person could be, if they would only listen. Of course, potential is a myth, and tends to really be our dream of what this person would be like if they were truly our match. We think it is easier to make this person change to fit us and our idea, rather than take the risk of being alone for a while until we do find someone who fits. At some point, it becomes clear that the pain of a breakup is much better than the pain of squeezing things to fit.

We can learn from the experiences of these relationships that didn’t fit. In fact, these experiences are important. They teach us just what it is we are looking for, so that the next time, we can be more discerning and careful. When we find the relationship that truly fits, we will have endurance for the true ups and downs of a long and satisfying journey.