Life & Therapy

As the parent of a two-year old, I give a lot of mini-ultimatums throughout the day. These ultimatums work because I have more responsibility and power than my two-year old does. It is my responsibility to keep my child from hurting himself and others, and I hold the power to enforce many boundaries because he relies on me for most of his needs. Two-year olds are limited in their capacity to discriminate between healthy and unhealthy choices: they are ruled by their impulses and desires and they do not understand the future inherent consequences of acting on those impulses and desires. For this reason, the ultimatum works absolutely great when you are trying to get a two-year old do something or to stop doing something. My son thinks that it is fun to hit his sister with his toy shovel. Telling him not to do so is ineffective. It is effective to tell him that if he hits his sister one more time with his beloved toy shovel, it will go bye-bye. When he is older, his ability to empathize and reason will develop and he will very likely respond to something other than an ultimatum in this situation. He should be able to think his actions through and not rely on his mother’s ultimatums in order to make a good decision.

As my son grows older, his responsibility for himself will also grow and my power over him should rightly fade.  It is my job, over time, to help him to rely on me less and rely on himself more.  My job is to help him reach adulthood as an adult.  An adult is able to discriminate between healthy and unhealthy choices and is no longer ruled by impulses and desires in the way that a toddler is. Ultimatums should not be necessary with adults who are in equitable relationships. Many people who give ultimatums in adult relationships are doing so because they have taken on a parenting role with their partner, rather than an equal role with a fellow adult. The balance of power is completely skewed: one person is stuck in the role of small child and the other is stuck in the role of parent.

For the relationship to move forward, each person needs to step out of the role they’ve been in and make some big changes. Both need to see what they get from the roles they’re ensconced in.  The parent-partner gets an overblown feeling of responsibility by focusing on their partner’s lack thereof. The big question for this person is where in their life are they craving a sense of responsibility?  The child-partner relies on their partner’s parenting of them to give them a sense of guidance, of right-or-wrong, of consequences to their actions. The big question for this person is where in their life are they craving direction, a compass?  If each person answers their own questions, they will be able to rely on themselves for their own sense of responsibility and direction, rather than trying to get each other to fulfill those roles.  This feels risky: one partner might outgrow the relationship and then the relationship might end, and what then?  It is worth the risk to find out.