Life & Therapy

A common relationship dynamic is the loaded question. You want something specific from your partner.  Instead of stating the desire, you ask a seemingly innocent question with a correct answer in mind.  If the question is answered incorrectly, you punish your partner for getting it wrong.  Maybe you want a romantic evening on Valentine’s Day, but feel vulnerable saying so.  Instead of saying “I’d really like to have a romantic evening together on Valentine’s Day, ” you say, “What would you like to do for Valentine’s Day?”  in the hopes that your partner will answer with, “Why, let’s do something romantic!”  If your partner assumes this is a genuine question and answers with something like, “I was hoping to lay low and not make a big deal out of the day,” she or he is in for a shock when you respond angrily, sulk, or give the silent treatment.  Any chance for romance is gone now, and you probably are blaming your partner, but it is not their fault that they did not read your mind.

Sometimes, it is scary to tell your partner that you want something.  Doing so is not a guarantee that you will get the thing you want, but it is the best way to deepen your relationship.  By telling your partner that you want something specific, especially a vulnerable specific something, you invite them to see into your inner world, and this is where intimacy lies.  You are also inviting your partner to tell you what they want.  If they accept this invitation to intimacy, this allows you to see into their inner world.  Saying that you want to have a romantic Valentine’s Day can be scary because it reveals something vulnerable about yourself; however,  if you do, you increase your chance for romance, even if it doesn’t take place on Valentine’s Day, even if no flowers, dinner, or lovemaking occur.

You increase your chance for romance because you increase the chance for truth between you and your partner.  Your partner might have a very good reason to want to lay low on Valentine’s Day.  It could be there was an emotionally painful series of Valentine’s Days in the past that created some dark associations with the traditional rituals that come with this holiday.  This is quite common, actually.  Now the two of you have an opportunity to compromise, and to come up with your very own definition of romance, your very own way of celebrating your love.  You now know much more about each other than you did before the conversation arose, and you both can decide if you would like to go deeper into gaining knowledge of each other.  To me, this revealing and discovering of each other fills  any gesture that you exchange on Valentine’s Day or any other day with authentic romance.

Other posts you might find interesting:

Hollywood’s Version of Love isn’t Very Truthful

Mind-Reading, Guessing Games and Communication Breakdowns in Relationship

Being Truthful in Relationships Means Sometimes Saying What People Don’t Want to Hear