“I Want to Break Up with My Partner, but I Don’t Want to Hurt Them.”
When I was younger, I chose some pretty awful boyfriends, so breaking up with them was a no-brainer. I felt justified because they clearly didn’t care about me anyway, or they had done some terrible thing, or they did the dirty work of breaking up with me. I really preferred to be the heartbroken one with the moral high ground. This is a pretty common pattern for a person who sees themselves as committed, but is actually quite scared of commitment: choose people who obviously can’t commit (addicts, philanderers, what have you), and then blame them when things don’t work out.
This strategy worked well until one day I found myself wanting to break up with someone who really didn’t want to let go. He hadn’t done anything unusually horrible, yet the relationship was never going to go anywhere. I finally realized that it wouldn’t end unless I ended it, and the concept of doing so scared me. I remember saying as I broke up with him, “Trust me, later you will realize that this was really good for you.” Of course he did not agree with me whatsoever, nor did he congratulate me for breaking his heart, much to my dismay. I had really wanted him to validate my choice.
There is no easy way to break up with someone when you know that they want to stay with you. Your choice will hurt that person, and there is no way to prevent that pain. The relationship is over, and nothing you do is going to change that truth. You might “stay,” but you aren’t actually there. It takes courage to be the one to officially end it; while it may be better for both of you in the long run, that truth is painful in the here and now. It may be difficult to accept the idea that your soon to be ex-partner will now be harboring negative feelings about you. Those negative feelings are inevitable. You are allowed to leave, and your partner is allowed to feel hurt, disappointed, sad, and even angry about it.
The end of the relationship gives both parties the opportunity for deeply meaningful growth. Whether your partner takes advantage of this opportunity or decides to remain stuck in resentment is none of your business now. You cannot control or manage anyone’s opinion of you. You are free to move on and grow beyond this relationship.
For more about this, go here.
You may also find this article interesting:
Being Truthful in Relationships Means Sometimes Saying What People Don’t Want to Hear
4 comments
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I am in a relationship with a muslim man and currently Ramadan is in full swing. Him being muslim is not the issue. The issue is last year during Rmadan he didn’t practice it to the letter but this year he is. He didn’t tell me that this year he was going to follow it to the letter meaning fasting, no intimacy, not spending time together much, just totally the opposite of what he did last year. The part that confused me is he didn’t tell me at all. I fell pushed away and he seems so distant. Why do one thing one year and do something totally different the next. This is my concern because I wonder if he is going to omit things in the future? Is he going to hide things that are important? I addressed this issue of not being up front with me about what his plan was this year and he didn’t have much to say. Am I way off base?
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OMG, I don’t believe that it was at all your intent, but this sounds cold and compassionless. What about showing some compassion? Maybe relationships would become more trusting if so many people didn’t feel so jilted. And maybe so many souls wouldn’t be as traumatized by breakups if we showed, just a fraction of the care, compassion and concern that we show when we start a relationship.
Doesn’t your partner deserve that? Don’t you deserve that? So you end up having to stick around another 2 weeks when a 2 year relationship breaks up, or spend another 3 months together after a 20 year marriage ends. Isn’t doing it to help your partner make an easier transition out of the relationship a good enough cause?
Spend some time letting them know that it’s okay that they’re hurting, that you understand and you hurt too. Help them understand the reasons why you feel the need to end the relationship. Answer some of their questions as to why, why, why? And in the process, answer some that will likely come up for you.
Wouldn’t it feel better, having spent a little extra time, to walk away, your soon to be ex not so distraught and ticked off at you?
With understanding often comes compassion.
I would rather take the extra time and give the extra compassion, knowing there’s a much better chance my partner is going to be able to handle this breakup in a healthier way. Why is it okay for us to take responsibility when we do things that make our partner feel good, and then not be responsible when we do something that makes them feel bad?
Walking away, basically washing our hands of the situation “it’s up to her how she handles it, I’m not responsible if she falls apart” may be true in form. But please, come on, let’s try and set the bar a bit higher. We try to do it at the beginning of relationships, It can be good practice to do it at the end as well.