Being Truthful in Relationships Means Sometimes Saying What People Don’t Want to Hear

At some point in all real relationships- whether romantic, parental, or platonic- one person is going to do something that the other person dislikes. It is impossible to be genuine and truthful in relationship without sometimes disappointing or frustrating the people you have relationships with.  Communicating in advance, and following through with what has been communicated makes this much easier.

Here is an example of poor communication.  Years ago, I had a pretty complicated bout of appendicitis.  When it was time to take the drain tube out of my stomach, the doctor told me it wouldn’t hurt.  He lied.  It hurt like nothing I can describe without expletives.  I asked him why he lied and he told me that he didn’t want me to be scared.  I was pretty angry about this.  By lying to me about what he was about to do, he took away my ability to deal with the resulting pain in my own way.  Sure, it would have been painful either way, but this was my pain to deal with, not his, and I would have preferred not to have to deal with pain while also being completely shocked by it too.  I did not trust him after that.

Today, my dentist gave me an example of excellent communication.  He knows that I despise being shot with the novocaine needle.  I know that he has to use it in order to give me a filling.  So, when he gives me the shot, he tells me when it is going to hurt, whether it will be a little sting or a big sting, and for how many seconds I will feel it.  He does this by announcing “Here comes a little sting,” and then counting backwards until I can expect to feel no more pain.  I trust him to tell me what to expect, and then to follow through on what he’s just told me.  I am able to prepare and deal with the pain on my own terms, which generally involves closing my eyes, breathing deep, and letting out a grunt or two. I completely trust him, even though I dislike some of the things he has to do in order for me to have healthy teeth.

In relationships it is easy to act like the doctor who says “This won’t hurt a bit.”  It may even be well-intentioned: you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or you don’t want them to be scared.  So, you keep a truth from your partner, child, friend so that they don’t feel bad in the short run.  In the long run, this withholding truth erodes trust.  Consider the discomfort of being honest in the short run as an investment in the relationship: you are growing trust in your relationship, and real trust is what allows a relationship to deepen and grow into something beautiful.

You may also find these posts interesting:

You Can’t Be True to Yourself Without Somebody Getting Disappointed

“I Want to Break Up With My Partner, But I Don’t Want to Hurt Them.”

Asking Your Partner for What You Want- The Valentine’s Day Version