Life & Therapy

Recently, my daughter had her very first splinter in her foot.  This splinter was obviously making her uncomfortable: she was favoring one foot and wincing as she walked around.  I told her that we needed to take the splinter out, and that it might hurt a bit.  Well, she was not interested in having a showdown with that splinter.  The idea of an unknown amount of pain was far more terrifying to her than the idea of limping around indefinitely in the state of mild discomfort that she’d become accustomed to.  As far as she was concerned, she could ignore the pain of keeping a splinter in her foot far more than she could handle feeling the pain involved in taking it out.  She seemed to be imagining a pain greater than any of us have ever been through, and this imagined pain terrified her.  Of course, leaving that splinter in was not an option, because it would have become infected, which would cause even greater pain, and more complicated extraction methods.  In the end, it took about three minutes to get the splinter out: three rather loud screamy minutes, but three all the same.  Then everything was just fine, and she then became fascinated with the story of how she’d gotten her splinter taken out.  She was so proud of how brave she’d been.

Many people treat relationship conflict in the same manner my daughter treated her splinter.  Even though it is inevitable, conflict gets treated as if it is a horrible thing to avoid at all costs.  If you are conflict-averse,  you’d rather keep your unexpressed, festering feelings to yourself than bring them out into the open, which is much scarier.  If you’ve never done it before, you might imagine a horrible and disastrous showdown.  You may believe that you are keeping the peace, but in reality, you are keeping the conflict buried inside, much like a splinter burrowed in your skin.  This is not peaceful for you.  It will eventually grow into something more complicated and painful, and getting it out will be far more complex.  Acknowledge to yourself and share with your partner that you feel scared about bringing this conflict out into the open.  It is brave to bring the conflict out in the open even though and especially because you feel scared.  By doing so, you stop accommodating your unexpressed feelings.  You may not like what you brought to the surface, but it’s better out in front of you than inside.  This frees you from an uncomfortable holding pattern.  Now you can move forward and leave the conflict behind.

More posts that you may find interesting:

Ending a Relationship by Using the Silent Treatment

Avoiding Issues by Trying to Ignore Them: Denial and the Thumb

Dealing with Your Anger