A Breakup Disguised as an Ultimatum
I once overheard a person describing her frustration with her partner to a friend. It was clear that things were not working out in the relationship, that she had reached the end of her rope and truly wanted to call it quits. She listed her many grievances, and stated that she was tired of being treated badly, and wasn’t going to put up with it any more. I expected to hear her say something like, “That’s it, I’m ending it.” Instead, she said, “I left him a message telling him that if he didn’t call me by the end of the day, then it is over.” She seemed convinced that her soon-to-be-ex would not return her call, thus ending the relationship. I thought to myself, “Well, then- what happens if he calls her?”
In this situation, it was clear that this woman wanted the relationship to end, but didn’t want to be the person to do so. She felt pretty confident that she could count on her partner to respond to her “ultimatum” in the way she wished him to. If so, he gets to be the bad guy, and she gets to be the victim with the moral high ground. After all, she gave him a chance, but he clearly didn’t care enough to call, so she had no choice! The problem with this strategy is that this person is not owning the breakup. She wants the relationship to end, and isn’t saying so. She is giving her power away to this person that treats her poorly, letting him decide her fate with very little effort on his part. All that he needs to do to keep this relationship is to call her by the end of the day. Or not.
If you recognize yourself in this person’s situation, you may lack the confidence it takes to decide your own fate. You may be in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship, but are too frightened to be the one to end it. If so, it would be wise to examine just what it is that scares you. Are you worried that you’ll be abandoning that person? Are you afraid that you will seem like a mean person? If you want a relationship to end, you do not need permission or an excuse, and it is crucial that you take ownership of the breakup rather than hand it over to someone else.
4 comments
Permalink2
I have just found your site and am really glad I did. I have found a number of articles that I think are really well written and helpful. I’m in a relationship that is navigating troubled waters and I’m so grateful for all you’re sharing. (It’s funny… or sad, I guess… he just walked by and saw what I was reading over my shoulder and is less than happy with me now)
I am definitely the person that worries, like you mentioned, about being perceived as ‘mean’ or even ‘unloving’ if I stick up for myself or stand my ground. I’ve always been that way, and always caved in in my relationships, but it was magnified after my third husband died in 2007. Since then, the paralyzing fear of loss (I don’t deal with it well) keeps me from confronting things that I know need addressed.
Thank you so much for all you’ve written. I’ll keep reading!
Permalink3
I love my partner. He lives 15 mins drive away from me. He has two kids ans so do I. We agreed we wantes a child together and so im33weeks pregnant. He said he would move in with me when pregnant. He tried it for six weeks and then left back to his mums saying he couldn’t settle at mine and he wont move back in or even stop overnight incase I go into labour. He used to stop over all time before I even got pregnant but now hes gone cold and just seems to want to stop where he lives and makes no effort to see me. We only see eachother if I make effort to go there and all hes bothered about is the kids hes already got.im hurting as I love him and dont want to end it but im angry at being treat this way as hes gone back on everything he said would happen when I got pregnant. He seems less committed now than at start of relationship although he says he loves me and he still does want me and baby but his actions say different. Weve been together a year and although things happened quick its what we both said we wanted. I tell him howupset it makes me feel that hes left me alone pregnant and wont move back in going back on his word but he just says he doesn’t want to talk as it will sort itseld out.i keep hoping when baby born he will come round but im angry inside. Shall I give him an ultimatum or wait till baby born to see what happens. I feel trapped as though he knows now hes having it all his way as I cant do anything about pregnancy now and don’t really want to end it and go it alone with bababy although it seems ill be practically alone anyway other than doing it his way livi g separately. Am I expecting too much wanting and expecting us to live together like he said it would be with the baby. Im so scared angry hurt and confused.
Permalink4
Thank you for bringing up ultimatums. This is a very reasonably insightful and practical website addressing real relationship issues and the fact that we are all human and have our shortcomings. Love the bit on passive/aggressive behavior as well. Been w/ the live-in boyfriend for over a year and suddenly he hates my cats. I can understand why, my one cat has always had potty issues which used to make me mad but I’ve come to acceptance and accommodation because I love her and committed to her for over 10 years. I’ve had cats from the beginning. Told the boyfriend about my one cat’s potty habits and to keep his clothing off the floor and she will be an outdoor cat except for very cold nights; she also has a warm kennel in the garage. Here’s the problem: the man has had his giant truck hanging halfway out of the garage for the last 8 months because he’s been replacing the engine part by part; so the garage door has been permanently stuck open. So, all the neighborhood cats are coming into the garage and marking everything and my cat is fighting the piss war as well. He has been displacing his anger onto my cats, telling me, “Me or your cats;” rather than really problem solving by pulling his truck out and closing the garage door to keep unwanted company out, including my own cat, like I have suggested.The solution is simple but he fights me tooth and nail and even threatens to kill my cats and the neighborhood cats, which will create enemies real quickly. I asked him not to make me choose because I love them both and the solution is quite simple. I told him I was not getting rid of my cats, as he has brought a dog and a dwarf crock and wants a puppy, on top of my 2 cats and my dog as well. He’s a workaholic so I often compensate for his lacking w chores at home, especially w his own animals. When he threatened my cats and gave me the ultimatum, I told him I thought it was a good idea if he get his own place; as he moved in w me. We have talked about taking our time and him getting his own place to heal from our past and maintain our freedom w/o rushing into commitment. We are both in agreeance over this. And I would be lying if I said I was ready to share my space so quickly after both our failed marriages due to spousal infidelity. This is indicative of deeper relationship issues. He wants to keep it permanently casual but loyal. He wants commitment but also wants the single life. Has admitted his emotional unavailability and often times doesn’t want to address anything serious or blows up on me if I try. We are both entirely commitment phobic and co-dependent from our wounded past but I feel there is much to be learned through all this. I used my anger as a distancing tool w my marriage, and I see the current using his anger and moodiness as a distancing tool; so true commitment is, how to love someone who is or was exactly like you. Helps me to forgive myself, and have compassion for my cheating ex. God is working in everyone else’s life differently than mine. Everyone is broken but we all still need love and acceptance which is why my current and I decided to take a step back and give each other space and time because you cannot force love and commitment. Although I do not want to remain someone’s mistress and emotional punching bag for the rest of my life, I can also admit that maybe I myself am not cut out for commitment and maintaining distance might be feasible for people like us. He wants companionship but doesn’t want to be consumed by the relationship, and frankly, I don’t want to clean up after a grown man who is not as emotionally invested in the relationship as I. This is a lesson for me to set boundaries for myself and not make someone else a priority. 🙂 Of course, due to boyfriend’s fear of abandonment, (as he frequently contradicts his words and actions due to passive-aggressiveness,) even though he has expressed he wants his own place, he likes to place blame on me and say, “My girlfriend chose her cats over me,” when he gave me the ultimatum and rejected the most obvious solution, so he can play victim. Oh well, what can you do? If you love them, let them go.