Life & Therapy

Some of the most transformative moments in life can come in the most ordinary circumstances.  You might be minding your own business, having a conversation with someone you talk to all the time.  Then that person says something that stops you in your tracks.  They might not even know that they are transforming your life- it could be a throwaway comment to them, but there it is, making you stop and think.

One such moment for me went like this:  I was complaining to a friend about someone that I worked for.  I didn’t know this, but I really didn’t want to work for this person any more.  I know that I was probably ranting, not really hearing myself listing all the reasons I felt the way I did (jerky boss, unfairness, exhaustion, what have you), when my friend cut in and said, “You don’t need to justify yourself to me.  It’s okay that you feel this way.”  In that moment, I realized that I had turned my friend into the judge and jury, and I was on the stand making my case to her.  I wanted her to convict my boss as guilty of jerkiness.  Unconsciously I was begging her for permission to feel the way I did about my boss and my job.  In that moment, everything changed.  I realized that not only did I hate my job, I was afraid that I wasn’t allowed to hate it.  I realized that I was trying to get my friend to validate my feelings, which she nicely did in that moment that she told me that it was okay to feel that way.  Once I was able to feel the anger I had toward my boss, I was able to see that I wanted to quit that job, and did so.  Over time, I learned to do for myself what my friend did to me: I can now catch myself when I start to justify an emotion, and then take that moment to validate that emotion.

If this sounds familiar to you, then you probably grew up believing that certain emotions are not okay to have.  You can identify those emotions by noticing if, like me, you justify yourself when you feel certain emotions.  Stop your justifications for a moment, and notice what you are saying.  Are you listing a lot of reasons that you feel the way you feel?  Emotions never need justification, because they are natural.  Nature does not justify itself.  It just does its thing, and we respond accordingly.  Emotions need a response, too.  Validate your emotions when you notice that you are justifying them, and you will know how to respond accordingly.  This will save you a lot of energy and time in the long run.