Life & Therapy

Telling yourself that you deserve love is one thing, but actually believing it and acting like it is something else. If you grew up believing that you don’t deserve love, then that belief has ruled your relationship actions for your whole life. Lifelong actions become habits. Turning those habits around takes awareness and practice.

If you believe you don’t deserve love, you might be in the habit of meeting someone else’s standards rather than finding out whether they live up to yours. This is most common in romantic relationships. You meet someone and you are smitten. You wonder if they like you. You wonder if you are doing things that they don’t like. You worry that you don’t measure up to their standards. If you are operating from the belief that you don’t deserve love, you don’t even think about whether this person meets your standards. You might not even believe that you deserve to have standards in the first place.

When I was much younger, I was in the habit of dating people who were not good matches for me.  Being new to the world of romance, I was just thrilled that someone I was attracted to wanted to be with me, so I jumped right into some pretty questionable relationships.  Time went by, and I became rather frustrated with these unsatisfying, painful relationships.  A more experienced friend of mine asked me if I’d ever written down a list of qualities that I wanted in a partner.  A little light went on in my mind.  It hadn’t occurred to me until that very moment that I could make a list like that.  I realized that I had been so caught up with trying to please, that I didn’t even know what pleased me.  In fact, one of the things on my list was that I wanted to be with someone who was interesting to talk with.  I had been with people who were certainly physically interesting, but I was bored to tears by some of our conversations.  Learning that I deserved to have standards was a revolutionary moment in my life.

If you are someone who acts as though you don’t have standards, a little bit of awareness can help turn this habit around.   Notice when you are trying to impress someone, and ask yourself what it is that would impress you.  Are you trying to look attractive for them? Ask yourself what it is that you find attractive, and see if this person meets that standard. Maybe you want to make this person laugh. Is this a trait that you value in a partner? Does this person make you laugh? This exercise will help you to see just what your standards are for a partner to meet, and having standards is a typical habit of a person who knows that they deserve love.