Ultimatums versus Boundaries
In relationships, it is much better to set boundaries than it is to give ultimatums. A good boundary is the result of knowing yourself and having standards for how you want to be treated in relationship. An ultimatum is the result of not setting boundaries to begin with; you find yourself unhappy with how you are being treated and you are focus on changing your partner’s behavior. The crucial difference is that boundaries come from a solid place inside of you, whereas an ultimatum comes from a wish about how things could be. It takes self-esteem to set a boundary, whereas most ultimatums come from a sense of desperation.
In many cases, the ultimatum is a poor substitute for a good boundary. You may have been in a relationship in which you didn’t set boundaries to begin with, and you may wish you did. Perhaps you wanted to say something early on, but didn’t because you were afraid of losing that person. Now you’ve been together for a while, and you realize you want to be treated differently. Instead of looking at the part you played in setting up the standards of your relationship, you decide that your partner needs to change their behavior, so you give them an ultimatum. You are now focused on your partner’s behavior rather than your own, and this takes you away from yourself. The more focus you put on getting your partner to change, the less you are able to figure out what your own boundaries are. You may threaten your partner with dire consequences if they don’t change, but those consequences are somewhere in the future, dependent on something your partner may or may not do.
Instead of attempting to change your partner by making threats, look inside and see just what it is you really want in a relationship. Rather than focusing on your partner’s potential, look at what is right in front of you. What have you been settling for right here and now, in the hopes that something will change? How long have you been settling for it? Don’t expect your partner to change their behavior in order for you to decide what to do with the relationship.
For more on ultimatums in relationship, go here.
3 comments
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I am in a marriage which so far has lasted 38 years but unfortunately i have put up with an alcoholic marriage and have given ultimatums to no avail. I have been going to al-anon for 3 years and have met many people in the same situation, but have noticed that these people who attend and have for many many years seem to be ultimately unhappy with their lot and are on a merry go round which they have been on for as long as myself. Your article on low self worth seems to be appropriate as far as i am concerned and when you have put so much into a relationship emotionally and financially it is damned hard to leave all that behind. if you have any further comments i would like to hear from you. thanks.
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I was in a six month long relationship with a girl, where two of her friends wanted to get rid of me. One of them yelled in front of my nose and my girlfriends and I could care less of her friend. But it became an issue due to my girlfriends lack of support. She rather just waited one and a half month, I gave her then also the ultimatum either her friend or me. Because the situation was unbareable. She chose me, but on the second time. When one of her friends who was a friend of the first mentioned friend, whom I had not met accused me of brainwashing. We went through the same thing. I was very unhappy, and couldn’t accept her siding on her friends side. I then gave her the second ultimatum, but she chose her friend. In many ways I am happy that this happened. Because I now feel she can’t think for herself. My heart broke, but atleast I am out of the turbulent relationship.