When You Love Someone Who Treats You Badly
When you love someone who treats you badly, it is difficult to make sense of it. Your friends don’t get it, nor does your brain, but still you just can’t seem to help yourself. The love feels so strong and powerful that you put up with or overlook the ways your partner treats you poorly. People close to you will tell you that you should not be with this person, that you deserve better. This sometimes makes you feel worse, because you wonder what it is that you aren’t getting. You may even feel stupid for not seeing what everyone else is seeing.
What you are not seeing is your own worthiness. Maybe you feel lucky that anyone loves you at all. Perhaps you have occasional moments of absolute bliss with this person that seem to make up for all the more painful times. It could be that the sex is earth-shattering, or was at one point. Whatever the reason, you are unable to imagine a relationship that doesn’t come at the price of being treated poorly and unpredictably.
When you learn to value yourself, you stop tolerating people who don’t value you. Rather than trying to get others to change their attitudes toward you, you can focus on changing your attitude toward yourself. You may not know what it feels like to be treated as if you are a person worthy of respect. Getting therapy is very helpful in learning this- a good therapist consistently will treat you respectfully, and will help you to sort out the ways in which you accept disrespect from yourself and others. In therapy, you will heal your battered sense of worth and lack of confidence. With the self-worth you gain, you will develop standards for how you would like to be treated. With your new self-confidence, you will be able to enforce those standards naturally. Not only will you feel appalled when someone treats you poorly, you also just won’t stand for it.
Other posts you might find interesting:
Breaking Free from Hopeful Illusion: The April Fool’s Edition
For more about deserving love, go here.
For more about leaving a relationship, go here.
For more about changing emotional patterns, go here.
10 comments
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I think that self-esteem issues are so important. I have seen individuals with good self-esteem be diminished in a marriage and end up with poor self-esteem. Some individuals – particularly women – will tend to excuse being diminished by focusing on their partner’s weakness that produce the hurtful behavior. I think that you are correct. I would want my daughters to have little tolerance for behaviors that diminish them.
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When my ex had cancer everything changed. I was there for her for every moment of every day and yet she would start arguments, put me down, and disregard my feelings. It drove us apart, as all I could see was her becoming more and more selfish with every passing day.
I understand that she was scared. But she seemingly lost all reason and blamed me for everything. We are no longer together, and it has hurt me a great deal.
I was accused of being controlling, when all I did was care. And all she saw was anger, when the reality was I was just as afraid as her. I spoke my mind and held my ground when we argued, but was always the first to say sorry. I became constantly confused, anxious and never seemingly knew the right thing to say. No matter what I did I was in the wrong.
I loved her with all my heart and she she thought that I’d fell out of love with her. All I did was stand my ground, be there for her when I could, and hold her close when things had blown over.
Now, she just hates me. I wasn’t the one to finish the relationship, she was. But again, it’s all my fault. Those that knew us both tell me that I did all I could, and that it’s not my fault. But it is. It must be. I don’t know what I did, but whatever it was, it made her hate me.
When I was treated badly, I stood for it longer than most would. When I spoke up about what was happening, I was made to feel like it was me that was in the wrong. And I hurt. I hurt because I know that her time on this earth is short, and I don’t want her to leave and hate me the way she does.
I don’t think that it’s her fault. Living with a an illness that you know will take you away sooner than expected is hard to live with. It’s not easy to face each day, when you know that it could be your last. But I wish, just for a moment, that she would remember me with love – the way that she use to. Because I still love her as much as I ever did.
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when i was a senior in high school i met a girl i met at a junior’s party. when i asked this girl’s age she didnt have a straight answer. i figured she was a freshmen. i still kissed her at the party and spent time with her afterwards. i later found out she was 13 and was rumored she was doing drugs and got kicked out of her school. i still had sex with this girl because i was that attracted to her and had very little confidence back then, even as an athletic person holding down 3.5gpa+. i eventually cut off ties with her when i had sex with her a few times because i expressed that she wasnt what i was looking for, basically the complete opposite. the following summer i get arrested after binge drinking and acting very stupidly.
the years following my self confidence dropped even more and was straight up filled with regret about my actions. my heart wasnt in my college studies yet still managed 3.2 gpa through 5 years. i did change my major multiple times beacvuse getting arrested (for a felony) made me think my life was over, even though i was on the course for expungemnet (and it was expunged). even then i still had low self worth. when i was 25 i reached out to now who is a woman. when she was a child she was raped by multiple family members. her story was way more depressing then my own. i had the ideal childhood until i got in trouble, and she the complete opposite.
ive been back with her for about a year and a half, and its been nothing but bullshit, drama, lies, anxiety, and great sex. she was a heroin addict for years, and honestly i didnt care because of her past. i realzied life was shitty well before any of this. and knew she did it to numb the pain. in the beginning of our “relationship” i found out for myself that she was living with a sugar daddy, a 50 year old pervert supplying her heroin. this girl had no parents so i still stayed with her because i tried to understand. her mother was also a heroin addict. during summer of ’16 we got pulled over with weed in the car and she was forced off into a 6 month rehab. i drove an hour and a half each way, had to sit through an hour of “family therapy” with the other people who came to visit their loved ones, only to be with her for an hour at a time. i worked night shift at the time so i would literally get back just in time to make it to work on time.
within her first month in rehab (i was the person she wrote down to allow counselors to speak to me about her progress), she was put on contract because men and girls were at a dentists office together and she snuck one of them into the bathroom with her and in the report it said they just kissed but im sure they had sex. still stayed with her.
i still worked and saved money to get a place with her. and she did nothing but nod out and complain. she had to go to a clinic for methadone every day and i had to take her. the first 2 months of the apartment i avraged maybe 3 hours of sleep doing everything, while she did nothing. later on after we lost the apartment i saw in her phone she messaged a man saying she forced herself to love me. and another different guy called her babe. and there were drug messages still. a few weeks ago she started dancing at a club without telling me, i found out looking through her phone. yet im still “with” her. at this point i feel like a dumbass for still being with her. i can go into more detail about more things and add way, WAY more things shes done or said but im already far too embarassed. i would talk to through email for a more private conversation if anyone would want to. just now got into a fight with her because im on the phone with her when shes on the way home from dancing, and she just stops answering for a minute, then i hear her order food with the creep who was taking her home. 5 minutes later try to call back no answer. i try a few more times and eventually she answers an says she fell asleep. i think she was giving the guy road head on the way home. yet i still want to see her tomorrow. i probably should see a therapist.
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Hi Chris-
Have you ever heard of or tried attending meetings at al-anon ? This can be very helpful for people who are in relationships with people who have addictions. Starting there could be helpful, and I agree that seeing a therapist would also do a lot for you. I wish you well!
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I used to love this girl deeply….i even pictured us being together…I actually tell her that I love her…she lies to me that she is not ready for men….I try to approach her as a friend but she still treats me poorly….I try to approach her and ask 4 hugs but she denies me of them….I then find out in the worst way possible that she allows hugs from other males and also is touched publicly on the road …..what do I do
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I’m with a person that really doesn’t appreciate the kind of woman he has a good honest person that loves him very much,I been with him almost five years thinking he will change I don’t think that will happen I tell him I thought maybe you were so mean disrespectful b cuz u were a meth user his been sober about a year. an still acts the same way I Know he didn’t live a normal child hood as kid like some of us did n his mom was alcoholic he didn’t get love as child we mom’s give r children I tell him you need to learn to love Respec the person that gives you bcuz someday u will NOT b getting that anymore there is a limit we all get to n my limit it’s almost there I don’t have no where to go if not I would left this guy a long time ago I’m waiting to finish school get a job n my place I know I could do way better than to be w a person that verbally disrespects me constantly n puts me down.
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i loved this girl who is 2 yrs younger than me, it was something new that i never felt with anyone, every day with her makes me feel like i know her for years, nobody knew us better than each other but she is very difficult or maybe i was being paranoid but whatsoever we were obsessed with each other but after few weeks we started having fights on regular basis and she treated me like shit, she would talk to me for hours for 3 days a week and then forget that i exist for next 3 days and then on the 7th day of the week she will make feel so worthless and made my cry whole night telling me how i mean nothing to her, and this was our every week schedule for months but i still didn’t left her, i always hoped the next will be better, she would block me for weeks and then come back, being all sweet , telling me she want things to work, and asking me to be her soulmate and being on her best behavior’s for 3 weeks and then again the same shitty person, and now its been 4 months she blocked me, and i think i finally had my last conversation with her few days ago, i cried sobbing in front of her asking her to not leave me because she was all i had and yet she left me telling me that she is grateful for the time spent with me but she can’t continue things with me and i should not force her into staying by crying… i might have said okay but i didn’t cry that day, and i remember sobbing till i couldn’t breathe in my moms arms cause of her, every time she left but not this last time, i feel so numb right now like i can’t breathe but i am alive, like a heavy weight on my chest, its suffocating and i cant cry, i can’t eat, i can’t do anything and it feels like i am dead. but i have this whole life planned but i can’t do anything about it, i know i want to study but i cant keep my self together and the struggle is so real, i don’t know if i would ever feel better and i have this fear is when i feel better to even get things started i would’ve ruined my life till then.
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I was with a man for two years. Moved in with him after he told me I was his purpose and he wanted to take care of me because of a disability I have. I have never let my disability get into the way of my hobbies or things I love and stay busy regardless. He started becoming mentally abusive towards me and it all started the second year we were together. He would be so petty and find everything I did wrong. I knew there wasn’t anything wrong with me but with him instead but I still stayed. I feel so I’m love with him regardless of how bad he was treating me. My parents told me he’s not good for me along with everyone else. I finally left him, and I’m moving my things out at the end of the month after being gone for almost two months with my family who live in another state. I feel broken hearted, hurt, sad and just plain lost. I’m trying to move on without him and started doing hobbies and trying to have fun ignoring and blocking out the pain even when it is quite difficult. I miss him everyday but also realize I deserve better than how I was getting treated and I know he wasn’t apparently into me the way I was him beings no matter what I did, he could not appreciate me. I’m a good loving woman and deserve nothing but the same as I give which is honest love. I take things day by day and keep moving forward! I hope on the future I will learn from this and realize just live alone is not enough! You need respect, trust and also someone who will treat you the way you treat them!!!