Dealing with the Silent Treatment
I like to look at my website statistics, to see how people find this site. The keyword phrases can be pretty interesting- I get many people looking for “Zacatecas ice cream.” Many people are also looking for help with finding love, keeping love, and navigating relationships. While I can’t really offer much help in the department of Mexican ice cream, I can address the topics having to do with the emotional realm.
Recently, someone found me by searching for how to deal with a romantic partner giving them the silent treatment. My first reaction was just to feel the pain of this unknown person somewhere out there in cyberspace. Getting the silent treatment from the person closest to you can be hurtful and frustrating. The silent treatment is a manipulative tool often used by the more passive partner in the relationship, usually as a form of punishment for something that the more assertive partner is supposed to puzzle out. This way, the more passive one takes no risk while their partner squirms and tries to please them, figure out the mystery, pull them out of their shell, grovel, apologize, etc. It is a very hostile maneuver, and a classic in the relationship dynamic I call underwatering/overwatering .
If you are being given the silent treatment, you are being punished for something, but you are not actually being told what that something is and how you can make up for it. The first step is to notice how you are feeling in the moment- do you feel pulled out of yourself, trying to read your partner’s mind? Are you angry? Apologetic? Scared? Notice just how much you feel hooked into trying to work out this puzzle. It is not your job to read your partner’s mind. It is not your job to fix something for someone who isn’t using their words. Give yourself permission to stop trying. Take the focus off of your partner’s puzzle, and bring attention to your own feelings.
Next, you can let your partner know that you care, and can see that something has upset them. Invite them to tell you what has upset them, and let them know that unless they tell you, there is nothing you can do for them- they may not be talking to you, but their ears are working just fine. Then, let it go as best you can. Every time you notice yourself trying to read their mind and “fix” the situation, remind yourself that it is not your job to figure this out, and let yourself off the hook. When you refuse to play games, the games tend to fall apart pretty quickly.
More posts on the Silent Treatment:
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: An Experiment for You
When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option
Ending a Relationship by Using the Silent Treatment
Communicating about Taking Space in a Relationship- An Alternative to the Silent Treatment
Why Do People Give the Silent Treatment?
The Silent Treatment vs The Cooling-Off Period
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment
The Pain of the Silent Treatment and What It May Be Telling You
Not All Silence is the Silent Treatment
237 comments
Permalink201
My husband has an anger problem, yelling and screaming over even small things. Last night the kids had friends over, and they wanted to include the neighbor who is a good kid. He had a fit that I let them, although he had cleared the other kids coming over and is fine with that boy, too. It meant that our 3 teens had 3 teens over playing XBox. Apparently, I don’t have the right in my own home to make this level decision on my own. We were watching a movie in our bedroom, so there was no effect on us, but he flew into a rage, slamming his laptop shut and throwing it down before storming out of the house. Now why would I want to have conversation with this man? I said my part last night when he was threatening to leave me, yes that set him off that much! I have nothing to say to him until he conducts himself in a reasonable manner, and while that
may sound manipulative, sometimes silence is self-preservation. I really do not need to
invite his verbal vitriol. Better for the home to be quiet than the kids to have a hearty helping of his continued anger. There is only so much I can take, too, so silence is golden, as ignoring him calms his act down. Also, if I try to talk to him after an outburst like last night, if he doesn’t give me more anger, he will give me the ST as if I have behaved badly to him, so I have begun using silence back at him, so his ST is null and
void. He saw his dad doing this to his mom, getting very angry and yelling then days of ST when HE was the one who had behaved badly. The more my dh acts like this, the less I think of
Permalink202
Hi
even though I don’t know to whom I am writtin, for me this is only a white page that I wanna fill it with all what is goin on in my heart.
God! am so desperate! I love my husband, I try to do anything to please him and all what I want is a clear simple romantic marriage! my problem is that he always gives me silent treatment whether was my fault or his or even just misunderstanding! and I believe that discussion is the basis or marriage!
I always try to make first steps even though he is immature and older then me! and I always say there is nothing called dignity when it comes to yr husband! but he doesn’t appreciate it! and am really done, coz my hope was that he will understand by civilized speech that am his love so he is treatin me that way? and I talked a lot abt it sayin that I understand only when he talks and never expect to understand this way!! but same!!!! nthg changed ever!!
he says am shwoning u life and that way u can think deeply! but for me this is punishment! and I always give up my wish and comes back to him but each time my dignity to myself reduces!!
now I even have doubts about his love! about him!
I feel he loves the love more then me!! and can do anything to save this love even to hurt me!
so! means he loves the love I gave him! he doesn’t love me!
plz help me! what can I do? we are engaged and he is away from me where is lives! he cut all contacts between us! now it is the 5th day!
help me plz! and may god help u in ur life too
Permalink205
Oh Pam – it is not you and do not take medication unless your Doctor confirms you are depressed or otherwise. Trust your gut everytime. I went to my Doc in December and she diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. I do not have either. A psychologist checked in with me three times. Possible anxiety and is it any wonder!, but the papers she gave me to read on anxiety, I do not have the symptoms. I think it was peri-menopause.
None of us are going mad – trust in yourself and know the other person is struggling big time with something. Possibly a personality disorder or something they do not want to share. Maybe they are tempted with another person and that alone is their struggle. But you should not be treated this way regardless.
It’s still happening to me – what is it now – 3 months with a few one liner texts to shut me up and I now believe for sure he is a Narcissist. I also looked up Passive Aggressive and a person can be both. He does not love himself or come across grandiose, but it is allllll about him and always has been. I have given and given and hardly received a thing in return which I recently advised him of. As if he didn’t know. I have always given 95%, he’s given 5% and that is no exageration. On and off for 34years….. My soulmate. I will never get over him, but now I hope I do after starting to accept he has a problem.
I am still incredibly upset and could only stay in my new job three and a half days. I hated the job or did I? He’s consumed me.
He still has not said it’s over and either have I. We promised we never would, but me moreso. Bad mistake. I wanted to remain his friend keeping in touch on email once a year even, but I can’t after this. I texted him in capitals two weeks ago “WHY ARE YOU NOT SPEAKING TO ME”. He replied “BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME”. What? He’s not saying anything so what the hell does that mean? Does anyone know? He had said about two months ago “friendship is good, but sex is a destructive force” whatever the hell that means from a 53 year old sex maniac. He has told me how it is, but I’m refusing to accept so maybe that is what he means – I haven’t been listening. I’ve kept all the texts and I know I do not deserve this stonewalling for peeving him off or being a nag. I confronted him saying “I am sure there is another person present or pending” and he replied “there is no one else at present or pending, I have already told you that”. I could say I am not writing this blog ……….. but I am. I do not know what to make of it and I so wanted to talk this through and have blamed him for poor communication in the past. I have done all the talking and all the work sounding like a stupid old raver burying myself in a ditch I can’t get out of. I think he is point blankly lying now and there is someone else. Trusting my gut…… I’ve thought of hiring a private investigator, but really, he’s not worth the money I would waste whether it is true or not. What would proof do? He is what he is, he is who he is. To be treated this way is disgusting and unforgiveable. If he wanted to speak to me he would. The hardest thing for me now is to keep walking away and not responding. I have deleted him from my phone and I’m redoing my decor to create a different atmosphere. As I walk into the lounge, I automatically want to check my phone as we texted everyday. That is so hard. He will be in touch, Narcissists do, but I must not reply. Good luck all.
Permalink206
Hi everyone!Just recently learning about personality disorders,much of these behaviors point to that.It can be Borderline Personality Disorder,Sociopath,Narcissist,etc.Look into this and you will find many similarities with these types of behavior.It will give you some insight and lessen your confusion.I couldn’t believe all these years with my husband trying to figure him out.Then reading about these disorders answered so many questions!
Permalink207
Thank you so much for this article. My husband is a great communicator and very agreeable 99% of the time, but he occasionally gets upset about something I do or say and gives me the silent treatment (which is happening now). Reading this is incredibly helpful. I thought I was silly to be upset, since he’s the one who’s unhappy, not me. I feel so much better realizing that it’s not my job try to guess what’s the matter or to feel bad and apologize for it (since I don’t know what in the world it is). Thank you!
Permalink208
Hi all-
I posted on this website about a year ago. I had just ended my 5-year marriage to a man who frequently submitted me to the silent treatment. The last straw came when he let me get on a plane bound for Venezuela for a month to work without saying good-bye. He was so caught up in his cycle of abuse; it owned him. He wasn’t in charge – his infantile emotions were.
It’s been a little over a year, I’m happy and relaxed; my home is peaceful and drama free. I’m currently dating a man who has wonderful communication skills; we can and do talk about everything! I am in a relationship with a mature, emotionally intelligent individual. I am so glad that I loved myself enough to believe that I deserved better
My advice? Life is short – live it to the fullest. No one should have to live in a toxic and abusive environment. It takes its toll on your mental and physical health. My friends and family tell me how much happier, younger and more beautiful I am since freeing myself. I agree!
Permalink209
hi everyone, i stumbled upon this site and am amazed at how much everyone seems to know. I did not know i lived with a mom who had borderline personality until i read a few blogs.I do not like the characteristics i see in myself and i think i got them while trying to escape her influence. I have absolutely no mental discipline for example. I think it is because when my mother would yell and hit me i would disappear into the world of magazines and read about raped and trashed women.I have never understood why, as a female, i would want to read about how women get murdered by serial killers and have all sorts of nasty things done to them. I will read any trash i come across simply because it takes my mind off myself. i will also watch anything and everything. It has never occurred to me that there are people who choose not to watch some programs or read some material because it is harmful to their mental lives.I used to think such people live such boring lives! I do not begin to understand what kind of self control must be exerted by people who decide what they will watch and what they will read. I have prayed and begged God to let me have such discipline to no avail. It is starting to worry me now because i am constantly depressed after reading about marriage breakups and conflicts all over the place.I know i have to get my mental life under control but how do i go about it?
Permalink210
I have dealt with a emotional abusive husband for a long time and started researching information for my own personal need to understand what I am dealing with and found these two books to be irreplaceable. Please do yourself a favor and read “The Emotionally Destructive Relationship”/Vernick and do fail to read “Why Does He Do That?”/Bancroft. You will have a complete understanding of what is happening, I promise. Every women who is feeling like something is not quite right with there relationship, should read these books. I cannot stress enough how important is it to have this information and understanding you will find in these books, especially “Why Does He Do That”.
Permalink211
Hey all just came across this website,and through reading other people messages I realised that what is going on with me in my relationship is not just in my head and that I feel a sense of support network and have found comfort. I have been married to my husband for about 6 years now and this has been 6years of roller coaster torture mixed with some happy, and miserable times since before we got married he started with the silent treatment then I should have smelt the coffee and left him but its not as straight forward there is not a day that goes past without him giving me silent treatment this includes birthdays christmas etc and he always find the most ridiculous excuses to blame me. We can be talking one min and in the middle of the conversation he would just go quiet for no reason then after an episode of silent torture he would come a different person so nice so loving and caring telling me that its my fault or that he is stressed and had a lot on his mind I have sacrificed a lot for him I love him dearly but I am believing he doesn’t feel the same he finds faults in everything I do or say I am a very loving passionate person but this torture is really taking its toll on me and most of all my 2 kids see all this and sooner or later might end up doing the same I CANT BELIEVE SOME ONE CAN CLAIM TO LOVE SOMEONE THEN TREAT THEN IN SUCH A PAINFUL WAY please help don’t know what to do again
Permalink212
Hi, I have this problem with my husband and I did what you siad!
There were many times that I refused to play the game, tell him that he can talk about the issue and made my self busy with some hobbies in the case that he refused to talk. But after more than two years it doesn’t solve anything.
Even if he is in good mood I talked with him and asked him to try not to repeat the silence treatment, his answer is shocking , he told me that he can not make it.
Should I keep my hope to fix the situation by ignoring it?
Thanks.
Mar
Permalink213
I wish to thank everyone for sharing their experiences. I am currently being subjected into a silent treatment by the person I consider the most important in my life. At first, I kept on wondering what was the reason for him to stop talking to me when we were just ding fine a while ago. I tried asking him what the problem was and apologized countless times. He would speak now and then but they were really short and cold. It made me feel really sad and I ended up pitying myself.
After getting some information about the silent treatment, I realized that I am not alone in what I feel – that such behavior is manipulative and destructive. I know I did what I can to make him open up to me, yet he seems to be enjoying what he is doing.
Nobody deserves to be treated like this! It’s like a poison that slowly kills in the most cruel way. I had to stop chasing after him and in playing into his game. To subject the one you say you love to such torture is just plain cruel.
I do wish with all my heart that things will still get better between us. I have stopped chasing after trivial things. I do pray for it with all my heart – that may he understand how horrible such a tactic is. Please pray for us as well.
Permalink214
I can’t believe I am back at this site, but I have to post this in the hope of teaching and showing others how the cycle will continue if you don’t let go. I posted previously in November 2011. I had let go of my Silent Treatment tormentor/Narcissist/Sociopath abuser and although it was hard, I started to get my life back. I was breathing again and doing things for me, enjoying the little things in life independently. I started to not miss him, started to not miss intimacy. As narcissists do, he came back. I let him back in ever so carefully. He was so charming, but I was very standoffish and he hasn’t been sexting and texting like he used to, but then he came out with the comment “I may have to review that decision” (meaning he said previously he is completely off sex for good, no longer has a need for it). Leopards don’t change their spots. He was a sex maniac and a liar, he still is. He then asked if I wanted to meet up with him and oh I have wanted to see him for three years. We met in passing two years ago in June 2010. We arranged to meet in my town three weeks ago and it was so good to see him and the afternoon and evening was perfect. I have no regrets, but I was taken for a fool. Yes, I slept with him. After the first one in the afternoon, he tells me there has been no one else since June 2010. Ay? I went back through my phone calendar and that was the month I saw him in passing. We were both going to be in the same town down country that year, so I asked then if he wanted to meet up for a hot night. No. I was so gobsmacked that he didn’t. He would take any opportunity, but not this time. Why? Now I know, there was someone else around that time, but not that night, he was staying with a male friend and couldn’t get away. I’ve confronted him and he said he never grills me over things like that. I have not slept with anyone else, only him I told him. He was quite surprised I think. Thing is, he tells me about her AFTER we made love that afternoon three weeks ago. I now feel filthy and how dare he, she could be carrying any disease! I have no regrets meeting him and it was as if it was our last time and that is what I wanted, one last kiss, one last goodbye in person. Maybe that is what he has given me….. He got me to book him a motel. I was going to go back and say what I had found but “it’s no place to take a lady”. I wish I had because when we planned this meeting some years ago, I said “it has to be right, I want it to be a really nice hotel, not five star, but decent, not a sleezy motel”. What do I book for him this time?….. I had in my mind that day nothing was going to happen, so it didn’t matter where HE stayed. I was going to visit only and talk the issues through and just have a coffee. The motel was very nice and he booked the one with the fancy new jacuzzi. But did we use it? No. There’s is control again. He layed on the bed and said come here and we cuddled and kissed. I took a semi expensive bottle of wine with me. He had one glass and said he has to drive (me home), so would only have one. True, but control again making my gesture worthless. I asked about the jacuzzi, then he said it’s too late. Can’t use them in motels after 10pm. He had that all mapped out. It was a perfect night, he dropped me home and text me “goodnight sweetie, I love you”. I felt perfect about everything. The next day he texted to say he was almost home in his other town. Plenty of xxx on my texts. By Tuesday he texted to say he was coming down with something and I just don’t believe him now. I did at the time. He’s either a great story teller or he was sick. I asked four times over three days if I could call him to cheer him up. We don’t call much, it’s all texting. He never once replied and when I confronted him he said “I thought I told you to call”. No you did not. He would text once a day saying how he slept all day. He could have. Then when he was well, I was getting five texts a day. Nothing more, nothing less and they were in a perfect pattern and drop off without a goodnight – one in the morning, one at lunchtime and three at night. Come on, this is a game. I confronted him about why he’s being so distant with me and he said he wasn’t and he actually said “I have gone back through my phone and can see I have texted you at least five times a day recently. Funny that. I tried to be strong and stop being a nagging old witch, but then the texts got to two in the evening only with a sudden end, no substance, no goodnight. He was so tired and cold he was off to bed. He would say he had a bath and I would say something sexy about that. No response. I would text a few sexy comments after that over the days and no response. Before, he used to be such a sex maniac, too much so. I confronted him again last week about when will I hear more from him. He said he was and then he got really angry and said he didn’t text me the day before becasuse he would have just got why why why from me and then he’d have to text more to explain what he was doing and so on. He said “I hate f…n texting, I will text when I can, don’t watch your phone. Quite frankly I am over women in general”. What does that mean folks? I have read so much about Narcissism and I am sure this is him. I am sure there is someone else, although he claims he is too busy for that and hates women so much now. He said to me last week that apart from his kids, I am the only person he stays in regular contact with. Maybe all this is true and I’ve been nagging him and being a pain in his ass. But we all have to go by our gut instincts. As of Thursday’s text, that was the last and I have texted a few times to ask if it’s over and he just texted back that comment about being over women and that he “will text, don’t watch your phone”. I had an issue with constantly checking my phone and it was driving me mad, like it was an OCD. Sometimes I would have to have it on silent, so it makes you check check check. Haven’t heard from him since, not even after my pining desperate texts, so when is that going to be? When will I hear from him – next month, three months? The control and silent treatment is killing me all over again. See how I was over him from January onwards and he’s just done it all over again to me as all the sites say he will. If this is any of you, keep moving forward, do not go back. The right person who will never do this to you will come into your life. Focus on that, not backwards. I have to put myself through this all over again and this time if feels so final it’s killing me. This has been a long distance love affair for 35 years – he’s my soulmate, my best friend, I don’t want to lose him even as a friend, but I have to let go. I text him last night saying I am giving it until Friday and I can’t live without him, please understand. It sounded a bit desperate and suicidal, but still no response. He’d rather I kill myself? I know I shouldn’t play with that stuff and I won’t – no person that treats you this way is worth giving life up for. All of you, no matter what pain you are suffering, keep moving forward. You will make it. I did and I let my guard down. Don’t be dumb like me and go back. If he’s done it once or more than once, he will do it again and I am dealing with a full blown Narcissist. I now want to seek revenge so bad on him whereas I promised him I never would, that’s not my nature, but boy do I want to get him bad. I want to expose him to everyone he knows, especially his ex, but that may not be so wise if he does it back to me. Look how much power and control he has had already. It only shows I’m the nutter, not him and I know I’m not. I am mirroring his vial nature if I do. I was in love for 35 years and now I’m completely heartbroken. Be strong people.
Permalink215
I really agree with everything on this post as well and I want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences. I am also being submitted to the silent treatment right now by someone who means the world to me and that I would do anything for. I have been with him for nearly 7 years. This is day two now, and my lover never does this to me so I am quite confused and hurt to what this means. We usually solve all of our arguments very fast.
It was a stupid argument and I regret it so much. He hung up on me because I was really upset and disagreeing with a silly thing we were talking about, and ever since then I have not heard from him. I have gone to bed two nights with sadness overwhelming my heart, just worried sick about whether he still loves me or not. I feel so insignificant, like dirt to him. He turned his phone off so he has blocked all communication with me. I just don’t know when this will end. I want to feel just as important as he is to me. I don’t mean what I say when I’m angry and it doesn’t feel good to go through this emotional abuse. I don’t have an appetite and am trying to focus on studying for school but the emotional abuse is taking over my thoughts. I pray he realizes that this is wrong and I really hope we can resume a loving relationship. Lately things have been rocky because I have been stressed with school so I have been impatient, saying things I dont mean when I’m angry. I just wish he would be more patient with me. I guess this is my punishment. Anyways I want to let all the women on here know that I feel your pain and it really hurts, especially when you have very important things going on in your life that you need to focus on. I will pray for peace in all of you as well. God bless.
Permalink216
This is the third week I have been receiveing the silent treatment from my husband. He said he is tired of the relaitonship and that for the last three years he has felt like I have been ignoring him. I know I am not perfect, but I always try to put him first. He refuses to have sex with me, the last time we had sex was ten months ago, and he says it is because he doesn’t feel like I do anything for him. He blames everything on me. I have changed a lot for him, I try to do everything he needs, but I never do enough. We dont have any children, actually he said that he doesn’t know if he wants to have children with me because I smoke and my children might be born with a birth defect. I am thinking about leaving but it is hard to me because sometimes I think that maybe if I do more he will change his mind and see that I do a lot for him.
Permalink217
I couldn’t agree more with the last sentence in the article above – about REFUSING to play their game. The trouble is most of the time I didn’t realise I was playing along with my spouse’s game.
It took me many years to finally find a way to deal with silent treatment and basically I no longer let it get me down. I go out of my way to make myself happy regardless of him ignoring me. Eventually he gives up playing the game and starts treating me like a normal human being. The following link has some interesting practical tips for stopping playing the game.
http://ebonny.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-cope-with-Silent-Treatment-Abuse
Permalink218
“If you are being given the silent treatment, you are being punished for something, but you are not actually being told what that something is and how you can make up for it.”
Except there at times I know exactly what I did wrong. I apologize for it and take steps to correct or reconcile, but my wife is so angry, so furious that she won’t allow reconciliation. She stays angry and cold to me for hours, days or even a week. Perhaps longer than a week. She’ll ignore my existence in front of house guests. She denies us the opportunity to talk it out. I can’t tell when things will normalize again.
This is an effective and powerful tactic against me. I didn’t see it as domineering until now, but I’ve sort of helpless against it. It’s beyond my control. All I can do now is control my feelings and response, not hers.
I think my biggest mistake has been to tolerate it and go along with the game. I’m going to be more assertive and direct about it going forward. If I’ve sincerely apologized and done whatever I can to fix or reconcile something that I did wrong, then that really should be enough.
I’m a good husband, good provider and a good father. I shouldn’t have to pay the price of silence and walk on egg-shells every time I demonstrate that I’m a fallible human being.
The thing that troubles me the most now is that my children are old enough to see it, and they become distressed. How is it that they can easily grasp the importance of saying you’re sorry, making up and moving on in happiness? Maybe because we taught them this. She and I should know better.
Permalink219
I have been dealing with the silent treatment now for the second time in a less than a year relationship. We are engaged and recently I had to look for another job. While I believe a couple about to be married should support each other, apprently she believes in punishing me with the silent treatment. I do support financially what I can but it seems that is not enough. Recently I have been dragged through the mud by a few people, one a couple that is freeloading off their governemnt and has money to burn. While I keep insisting love is an emotion that draws two hearts together, I hear from my counterpart that love is something that is shown and not just said. This is hurtful in that she has no idea how difficult it is for me to say those three words yet can do so with ease with her. A mutual friend told her that I was serriously looking for jobs and I received a text with the words “Hi, heard you are looking for jobs good luck.” My thinking is WOW what a cold thing to say, no emotion no nothing and really doubting I am looking for employment. Like I said this is the second go around for the silent treatment, the first lasting three to four months and this one is now a month old. I have tried to express how the silent treatment destroys a relationship and causes hurt, but those bits of advice were met with more stone walling and silence. I send texts to the individual because she is the type that if I stop communicating, her friends will introduce her to others. I do know one thing, after dealing with the silent treatment through a previous 8 year marriage, I will nto tolerate further use of this manipulative device. While her friend uses the silent treatment so her husband buys her things, in my case, I will sit her down and say there are better ways to deal with problems than shutting me out completely. We are also both Christians, which makes the silent treatment even worse as the Bible does clearly point out that we are not to go to bed angry and should communicate at all times. I know there is hope once I find a job and can prove that I will be a provider, but at the same time realize I must kill out the silent treatment before it completely kills the relationship
Permalink220
I’ve been dealing with my husband’s extreme anger outburst, usually following the silent treatment. It literally started after our honeymoon, when he blew up at me after I said something to him about it. We were in he car and he began to drive like a mad man, and dangerously parked the car on the side of a busy highway. I was in total shock! And there have been several angle outbursts like these afterwards. As of today in getting the silent treatment because of a football game we were watching at my relatives house. We have a fun rivaly with our football teams, and my team was winning so there was some light and fun trash talk, well hubby didn’t like it, and just left he house without saying a word!! Of course my relatives asked where he was and I didn’t know what to tell them because he left without saying a word. Long story short, my family asked if he was upset over the game, and basically came to this conclusion on their own because her left abruptly. Our kids even asked if he was upset when he finally came back, and this further angered him. What was a great time of fellowship with family I hadn’t seen in years turned into hurt when he began giving me the silent treatment. He’s still not speaking with me, and it hurts. An now I see this pattern and I don’t know what to do. If I say something to him about it, he will blow up on anger. He’s a marine and they can be intense. However, I’m a loving and supportive wife and bottom line, I don’t deserve this!!! We are devout Christians and this goes against all the principles we are taught as a Christian couple; like not going to bed angry. I even tried to make love to h and he shot me down. I just don understand, but I know I am not the problem here, but I know he will say it’s my fault. What should I do??? Thanks for reading.
Permalink221
Susan, I am married to the same man.
He jokes and talks trash, but if you say anything aimed toward his direction (being male, being silly, loving the 49er’s, having brown hair) it is treated as a hostile attack and he rages emotionally, then shuts down and goes into silent mode for 3-7 days. I used to get upset, emotionally and cry or beg to know what I did. Now I wait a while, apologize for not understanding what I said was hurtful, and then I move on. I treat him with dignity and respect and allow him go through his feelings. It usually ends with him saying “I bet you think I’m real stupid for being so upset” (instead of apologizing). I tell him the truth, that it is a hard situation, but that I would want someone to see me through dark times too (this usually upsets him because he sees labeling “dark times” as judging and a second wave of silence/withdrawl follows).
The unconditional love wins him over, but I do NOT fawn over him, or beg him to open up or pay any additional attention to the situation. I am polite, courteous and fulfill my wife/mother duties with love and NO emotional knee-jerk reactions and just wait.
Asking him how his day was over texting or email really angers him, he accuses me of being patronizing when I ask that because I don’t really care. Treating him well after he has been a total $%^&*( really seems to push him over the edge. It angers him even more when he can’t get a rise out of me, but then a few days later he is normal again.
My husband is aware he has major depression and emotional instability issues and is currently trying to decide whether he needs outside help for this or not from a medical doctor or a psychotherapist. He has asked me what I think and of course I am simply supportive. Asking him to go has never worked and just breed resentment (he says things like “so it’s all my fault then”). Me going alone and getting anti-anxiety medication made him resentful because he felt I was getting help because he was so awful and took it as judging instead of coping. He must decide to get the help on his own or it won’t stick.
We are also christians and attend weekly and try to live according to our convictions. This is so confusing to me. Holding grudges is just not my thing. Also, not being able to be myself within reason is crushing my soul.
Permalink222
My husband is 85. Our daughters just had his driving license suspended because we all think his driving is dangerous, but I was too afraid of his wrath to fix the problem.
He has not spoken more than 20 words to me in 7 days. For part of that time he walked out and spent 29 hours away from home. I discovered he had withdrawn $1000 from the bank. In the past we have always talked about money matters.
For 29 hours I was worried about him, I called all the family, and notified the police. When he came home he would not tell me where he had been.
He has many health issues.
I want to yell at him to ‘grow up’, but the more he refuses to talk, the less I care about him.
He has also started to refuse food.
I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest.
Permalink223
My husband is 43. I am 39. My husband will usually flip out over something to do with our little kids. If they are screaming and crying a lot, he will get mad at me for not fixing it. He will vent and say stuff like I am just going to stay in the other room. When I tell him not to be nasty to me, he gets madder and then one words me alternating with the silent treatment. I end up apologizing even though he is mostly in the wrong. He stays mad for one to two days until finally we have a big fight with me crying and we make up. I like what the other poster said about treating them with respect but not doing a knee jerk reaction. I think that is my problem. I yell at him when he gives me the silent treatment or I apologize profusely, all wrong. I would divorce him because he can be so cold that way but he has a tremendous upside.
Permalink224
I just want to thank everyone for their posts, and most especially Doormat. Doormat, I would swear that your guy is mine, right down to the age. The way you describe your treatment is precisely the treatment I receive (though only for the past several years that I’ve known him, not 35 years). I really did wonder if they are one and the same, as he sometimes totally disappears and, I think, goes elsewhere, but he does not, to my knowledge, have children, and although a contractor, not on farms. Anyway, you helped me so very much by posting your experiences and feelings, and in such a detailed manner. The details were invaluable in terms of making me feel less alone. Thank you.
Permalink225
Hey, my bf has been giving me the silent treatment lately. It started in May when he suddnly stopped texting much. I asked him wat was wrong and he told me he broke his arm while riding his bike. Then the texts and calls got lesser and lesser and around the end of May was the last time we spoke. He told me he was tired and he needed rest and i said ok. After that there has been nothing. His phone is switched off and i dont know his house…. any idea? should i let it go? please help….
Permalink226
How about a silent treatment daily, just because he is pissed at the world, at everything and anything. What can make him mad? Losing a game he is playing, dropping a cup, being tired, being irritated with work, stubbing his toe, the lawn needing to be mowed, having to do anything. This sounds like an exaggeration, it is not. He ignores me all the time for any reason he can think up. He is in a sour mood and broods all the time, he glares at me anytime he is annoyed by anything. Silent treatment that is for no reason- where you have done nothing to piss them off- that is the sort I deal with for 20 plus years. Fun times… NO excuse to ever act this way, and no you can’t talk to people like that, they stonewall you, so the advice of just talk to them and tell them how you feel is a laugh. People like this have the emotional maturity of a infant, an that is insulting the infant.
Permalink227
Anyone who is not married and is in a relationship with someone who uses the silent treatment on them for more than one hour at the most should GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP NOW no matter how good it is otherwise. Its a horribly cruel control tactic and its very hard to treat even with a marriage counselor. It will continue throughout your relationship and will cause you endless heartache. I married my silent treatment man and regret it with every fiber of my being. Learn from my mistakes. Build yourself up and self improve and make friends that you treasure. You can and should live without him or her and don’t worry about being lonely. Lonely is better than feeling like this. Day 14 of the silent treatment and it shows no signs of abating…….Married and old and stuck….Stupid me.
Permalink228
…I have finally done it!!! I have escaped the hell that I allowed myself to be trapped within. Three years it has taken me to realize, it is not me…it’s him with the issues. Three years of on and off silence, putting down, belittling, lies and infidelity. (just found out about that one)
Now comes the hard part, I will slowly have to fix my broken self and get back the person he stole from me.
Permalink229
I met a man a man a year after my divorce. He seemed wonderful at first. Doing and saying all the right things. I came out of a 22 year marriage of mental abuse. When he would get mad at me he would shut me out for days on end. I tried to talk but nothing helped. I saw the pattern of abuse in a different form. I left him a message telling him I was a good person and will not stand for being treated like dirt. He tried to come back a month latter but I knew unless he got help it would repeat. He hated women and it had to do with his past marriage. I got the courage to not let any man do that to me again. I walked away and never looked back.
Permalink230
My husband and I are of the same age. But most of the time he belittle me from aspects of capabilities and looks. He is always angry for small things, and reacts to every small matter. He feels very insecured when I do better than him and always play the silent treatment with me.. We have 3 beautiful kids and this is the only thing that keeps me going on.. But most of the time I breakdown and this effects my parenting too..
Permalink231
I’m so glad I came across this site.
I too have an abusive husband with angry outbursts followed by the silent treatment. It’s always MY fault according to him. On our way to a family event the other day when he started shouting and swearing as he was going to miss the football because of a family get together. Driving like an absolute maniac with our young children in the car.im hurting so much and would love him to leave but he won’t go. It’s affecting my children and they’re upset.
Permalink232
Thank You Pat. I completely understand just not having anything to say to a partner after he blows up and blames you for anything serious you try to talk about in the relationship or even the small things. It’s not punishment. It’s being so broken down for even trying that you are just trying to keep the peace through the most minimal interaction. It’s like dealing with your children trying to teach them what is acceptable behavior and what you will and will not respond to.You don’t respond to whining, yelling and demands, but you will respond to lower voices, sharing feelings w/o attacking and problem solving after the child and yourself have self-soothed. I won’t ignore my partner outright. I try to respond to the little platonic efforts to get back on track, but what other option do you have for a person who’s moody, angry with life, defensive and makes you an easy target for their arrows? Yes, most people are broken and will let you down at some point and have unresolved issues from their childhood or cannot meet their own needs. If they get mad when you point out unreasonable behavior, and they don’t want to accept it or change or take responsibility, the only thing you can change is how you react, and how much power you really give someone if you love this person enough. Silence can be a defense mechanism in order to emotionally detach, let go and quit paying negative energy to a problem. Sometimes silence is golden and should be used accordingly as a problem solving mechanism.
Permalink233
Married 22 years to a man who grew up in poverty and his dad died when he was 12 . Problem is his mom used the silent treatment and now he does too. It has been almost three weeks now since he started the “treatment”. I HATE it. I am always wrong. He can think of why I am in the wrong faster than I have a response. He says that Dr. Laura says that you know before you are married what kind of man you marry so don’t complain. He did’t show me this till we were married. I hate hate him for what he has done to me with his silent treatment. My dad is dying now but he doesnt say anything because he would have to see I am hurting. He knows I am nothing. I don’t matter.he is more important than me. I wan to leave but it’s so hard to DO it. I guess I am weak.
Permalink234
I merely suggested a once a day text because my significant other is physically (and now I believe emotionally!) ill and now he has completely done the silent treatment. I realize that he did this once before about a year ago regarding the same kind of request, and that it’s a sick pattern of his. I didn’t demand or threaten or anything like that. It really hurts me that he feels he needs to do this. He tells me that ‘” I shouldn’t take it personally, it’s him, not me, he’s not a chatty person, he gets flack for everyone for not answering back and that he doesn’t want to feel obligated to have to say something, blah, blah, blah.”‘ I told him those were excuses, and he apparently took offense at that. In another text after a few days of silent treatment, I texted that I’m NOT ‘”everyone”‘ or an ‘”obligation”‘, or an option or an afterthought, not even his, not ever. I’m tired of having to walk on eggshells wondering what exactly I said that pissed him off so badly. I didn’t think I said anything that bad or was really hassling him.
Permalink235
In reply to the post “DEALING WITH THE SILENT TREATMENT,” the response of the recipient of the silent treatment, after personal introspection and follow-up communication to let (his) partner know that (he) cares (qv. in accord with the original author’s textual suggestion) …. and then let go, may register intellectually with the “ST” generator. But, unless there are positive aspirational intentions within the “ST” generator’s internal forum, the suggestion will not produce positive results.
« Older Comments