The Silent Treatment vs Stonewalling
Occasionally, I am able to respond to comments on this blog, and today is one of those times. In response to the post “Dealing with the Silent Treatment,” Meltdown asks what the difference is between “stonewalling” and the silent treatment. Here is the gist of the comment:
“My husband shuts down, walks away or completely ignores me if he even begins to sense that I am talking about any kind of real life issue. Sometimes he will respond with a simple, I forgot or I didn’t know, which is then sufficient and so begins the silent treatment….
Like Louise above, my behavior completely escalates into verbal abuse – I am then “an abuser.” In fact, he has a book all about verbal abuse in a drawer. By reading these blogs, I realize that I am attempting to inflict pain back on him. Though, I’m not sure he cares.”
The silent treatment is a form of punishment meant to inflict pain. Stonewalling is a delaying tactic meant to buy time. The stonewaller hopes that if he or she ignores the issue being presented, then that issue will go away. Of course, as in the above comment, the opposite often happens: the presenter of the issue gets increasingly frustrated and the issue escalates. The stonewaller shuts down even more. This is a common relationship dynamic with two equal partners that I have described in this post. One partner tends the relationship more assertively, the other more passively, and both get something out of this dynamic until the inevitable conflict arises.
Meltdown, your husband passively retreats into silence, and you react with verbal aggression, which does not get your husband to open up, and this only frustrates you more. You both seem to be seeking out help- he’s hoping to find it in the book he’s reading, you are hoping to find it on this blog. This desire for help is a positive sign for your relationship.
I am impressed with your willingness to see that your verbal attacks come from a desire to inflict pain in reaction to the pain his silence is causing you. This awareness is powerful, because all that you have control over in a relationship are your own actions. If you change how you react in conflict, the conflict itself will change. If, during a more peaceful moment, you are able to tell your husband that you feel hurt by his silence, and that your reaction comes from a desire to inflict similar pain onto him, you invite him to admit his role. If the two of you are able to have this conversation, then you can strategize ways for both of you to respond in future conflicts. If you aren’t able to have this conversation, I recommend that you seek out counseling with someone who can help facilitate this conversation and give you strategies for how to communicate with each other.
Other posts you might find interesting:
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: An Experiment for You to Try
“Handling” Conflict by Ignoring the Problem
Communicating about Taking Space in a Relationship- An Alternative to the Silent Treatment
9 comments
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My male friend has been giving me the silent treatment for over a month now. This is the third time he has done this, but the prior two times did not go on for nearly as long. This one started last month when we had an argument and he suddenly said that he didn’t think we were a good match for each other, but that he wanted to remain friends with me for a long time to come. We live 1,500 miles apart, and I know the distance has been bothering him. I said some hurtful things to him during that argument, and he hasn’t said a word to me since. I began to wonder if his silence indicated that he no longer wished to remain friends with me and wanted me out of his life completely. However, I’ve been very confused about what his wishes are because he refuses to delete me as a friend on Facebook, even after I texted him several times telling him he was free to delete me if he no longer wanted anything to do with me. He even continues to let me post on his wall and tag him in photos or posts. I have also asked him several times to please tell me if he never wants to hear from me ever again or if he is just taking a break for awhile like he did before. I told him that if he tells me he never wants to hear from me again then I will honor his wishes and quietly delete his number and Facebook, no drama or hard feelings. But he won’t tell me ANYTHING!!! So how am I supposed to know what to do or expect?!?! ALL of the other men I have ever known on my life have ALWAYS flat out told me not to speak to them anymore and have deleted me from their Facebook and instant messengers when they wanted to part ways. This guy won’t give me a single clue as to what is up!! He ignores me completely while refusing to delete me from his stuff even after I told him to!!!! I have blown up at him twice since then and said some very nasty things to him out of frustration, which he doesnt respond to. I was also recently admitted to graduate school in his area, so that there will be no more physical distance between us. He is aware of this news because I told him. I have told him several times that once I move there, we WILL run into each other at some point and I don’t want there to have to be any awkwardness or bad blood between us. I told him I would really like for us to be able to say Hello and make small talk. Again, no response. For someone who always said that he hates drama, he sure seems to want there to be plenty of drama between us after I relocate to his area!! I finally gave up and deleted him from my Facebook last night. I just can’t stand the stress and heartache anymore. I’m wondering if this ongoing silent treatment is just his way of punishing me for texting him too much like the other two silent treatments were. He has indicated that I text him way too much, so could this be his way of asserting control over that??
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My boyfriend (now ex, obviously) stopped speaking to me about a month ago after a fight. We’d been together for about four months. He was a single parent with two children. Most of the time I was understanding about the fact that his time and funds were limited. In fact, I’d even lent him money on two occasions. But, it was his first free weekend in a month. Instead of making plans to see me he was spending it out state with his nephew and brother in law. He told me that family came first, and I told him I thought he might be cheating on me. (Happened in my last relationship). He blew up and told me he didn’t play games, I was the only person he was with, but it was nice to finally meet the real me. (Before he’d told me I was so sweet I was practically a saint). I told him the real me had been planning to buy him the the I-Phone he’d been eyeing for Christmas. There was no response to that. I texted him three days later with the crying face emotion, sort of a cute way of telling him I missed him and was sad about the fight. No response. Two days after that I texted him telling him I was sorry, I shouldn’t have said those things to him. No response. At that point I read your article on the silent treament which recommended you do not beg the person to talk to you. So that was my last text, three weeks ago today. And I have not heard one word. I’ve signed up for an online dating site and I’m talking to some new guys, so I’m trying to move on, but I am still so hurt and upset by his actions. I don’t understand how he could just stop talking to me like that and never talk to me again. A friend (who is actually an ex bf) told me that I should call him and wish him a Happy New Year. But I’m so afraid to be ignored again, or even worse, find out I’m blocked. I’ve thought about e-mailing him asking for the money he owes me, but I know I’m probably never going to get it back. And that’s an obvious ploy to get him to communicate. I just don’t know what to do. This hurts so much. Is he thinking about me at all? Or does he just not care.
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Shannon, that guy sounds like a user. The fact that he was asking for money and has a kid means that he’s not being a man and holding up his share of responsibilities.
The fact that he told you family comes first, shows that you aren’t a priority. The cliched, “don’t make someone a priority who makes you an option’ is true.
He’s a dirtbag. Dump him and meet someone else. I’m having to do the same thing. I’ve been getting silent treatment of a guy now since New year’s Eve.
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I disagree with a portion of what was said in the last paragraph….if you’ve ever been in a relationship where you’ve been the victim of stonewalling or the silent treatment, you would mnow that there is no “peaceful time” where you can bring it up and come up with a plan to combat it. You live in constant fear of having it happen again, and bringing it up would more than likely cause just that. It’s a sad way to live, being constantly in fear….I love my boyfriend very much, but I’m not for sure how much longer my mind, body, heart and soul can take this….I do see how I also try to inflict pain back once the stonewalling starts, and that I can change….but I can’t change him, or stop him from hurting me so deeply. It’s really a heartbreaking thing. If anyone has any advice, please tell me. I’m to the point of giving up. He turns around and says that everything is my fault…I’ve done everything he’s asked. Please help…
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Same here. I can’t die. I can’t get divorced. I hurt so bad. He hates me for telling the truth about how he treats me. He expects me to be a super lady like his mom. I can’t be that. I can only be ME.
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l to have been puting up with my partner of 6 years stonewalling me we dont live together so he goes off on one wont answer my calls so lv left him to calm down but still nothing he.s done it 4 times last year started 2 weeks next time 4weeks over stopid disagrements its all ways when he.s ready so last time after 4weeks l went to see him at first he said its over so l asked him to explane he said he couldnt l told him l would stay there all day untill he talked to me it worked but he blamed me then he put his arms round me said l still love you didnt want this to happen l said then why do you do it. It hurts me so much his reply was l carnt promise l wont do it again we carried on for another 6 months this time he walked out after disagrement over decorating 2weeks later l phon him tex nothing so l.d ad enough tex to say l would get my son to take me to his flat as l need to no he sent me tex its over asked him why he reply. d ad enough end of l pbon him he turned phon off l was devastated week later l phon cuss we had booked holiday nothing agen l got tex lm not going all lm going to lose is my deposit end of so next day l was angry frustrated took his cloths that he used to leave at mine l have key to his flat he all so has one to my place he was not at home so l just left them got mine tex to say had been heard nothing since part of me has had enough part does.nt want to give up on him l still love him but does he want me or do l give up on him lm just so confused all my family say we ad good relationship holidays in our caravan only seeing each other at weekend l used to stay at his l stayed at mine we did loads together lm at my wits end help
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I know this is an old post but I’m dealing with the silent treatment now. My ex bf of a year was contacting me all the time so I thought he wanted to get back together. One minute he did then he didn’t. He pretty much used me to get a promotion at work. When I confronted him about our relationship, he got angry and said some hurtful stuff. Then he went into the silent treatment. He got teary eyed and now refuses to talk to me about it. He will sit in silence when I ask him simple questions about if he still cares. Why is he doing this and does he still care? Makes no sense.
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Indicating that possessing a book on verbal abuse is an indication the passive aggressive partner in this comment is are reach for help is potentially a dangerous assertion. This could also be a very simple gaslighting tactic. Anyone who has lived under the rule of a narcissistic abuser knows they can go to great – even absurd lengths – to give their ‘evidence’ that you are in fact the controlling and abusive party.
My ex, who was later diagnosed with NPD would find all sorts of materials that ‘backed up’ his negative image of me. He even pretended to go to a therapist because he ‘really wanted to change.’ I would pick him up and he’d tearfully tell me all the ways his therapist agreed that I sounded like an abuser. After months of fake appointments and truly Oscars-worthy fake tears, he later admitted he hadn’t been to therapy a single time.
I dumped him and he turned into a stalker, convinced he needed me to ‘see the truth about myself.’ In the end I had to get a restraining order against him.
I hope in future you are more cautious with your advice, lest you encourage someone to give their abuser yet another chance.