Dealing with the Silent Treatment
I like to look at my website statistics, to see how people find this site. The keyword phrases can be pretty interesting- I get many people looking for “Zacatecas ice cream.” Many people are also looking for help with finding love, keeping love, and navigating relationships. While I can’t really offer much help in the department of Mexican ice cream, I can address the topics having to do with the emotional realm.
Recently, someone found me by searching for how to deal with a romantic partner giving them the silent treatment. My first reaction was just to feel the pain of this unknown person somewhere out there in cyberspace. Getting the silent treatment from the person closest to you can be hurtful and frustrating. The silent treatment is a manipulative tool often used by the more passive partner in the relationship, usually as a form of punishment for something that the more assertive partner is supposed to puzzle out. This way, the more passive one takes no risk while their partner squirms and tries to please them, figure out the mystery, pull them out of their shell, grovel, apologize, etc. It is a very hostile maneuver, and a classic in the relationship dynamic I call underwatering/overwatering .
If you are being given the silent treatment, you are being punished for something, but you are not actually being told what that something is and how you can make up for it. The first step is to notice how you are feeling in the moment- do you feel pulled out of yourself, trying to read your partner’s mind? Are you angry? Apologetic? Scared? Notice just how much you feel hooked into trying to work out this puzzle. It is not your job to read your partner’s mind. It is not your job to fix something for someone who isn’t using their words. Give yourself permission to stop trying. Take the focus off of your partner’s puzzle, and bring attention to your own feelings.
Next, you can let your partner know that you care, and can see that something has upset them. Invite them to tell you what has upset them, and let them know that unless they tell you, there is nothing you can do for them- they may not be talking to you, but their ears are working just fine. Then, let it go as best you can. Every time you notice yourself trying to read their mind and “fix” the situation, remind yourself that it is not your job to figure this out, and let yourself off the hook. When you refuse to play games, the games tend to fall apart pretty quickly.
More posts on the Silent Treatment:
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: An Experiment for You
When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option
Ending a Relationship by Using the Silent Treatment
Communicating about Taking Space in a Relationship- An Alternative to the Silent Treatment
Why Do People Give the Silent Treatment?
The Silent Treatment vs The Cooling-Off Period
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment
The Pain of the Silent Treatment and What It May Be Telling You
Not All Silence is the Silent Treatment
237 comments
Permalink1
Found the site by accident – followed a “Murderball” link from Tom’s blog, after seeing his name mentioned in Jeff Haemer’s page. Sunday morning meandering about the Web. But this entry struck deeply. The phrase I got hit with was, “if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you”. I could have used this seeming simple good advice thirty-some years ago. Sigh. Thanks!
Bob
Permalink2
My husband does this all the time, and he is doing this right now. Usually when I say something to him he doesn’t like, complain about something, or verbally express anger or disappointment. I instantly get the silent treatment, which could last one to three days on average.
The thing is, for years he had been physically abusive at first (10 years ago), responding to me with pushing me into the wall or smooshing or punching me when I spoke. So I was afraid to say things that would upset him. When I finally got the gumption to leave, we worked things out, went to counseling, and I came back. He has not hit me for almost 2 years, he knows that if it happens again I will be gone. But he then started to walk away to “cool off” at first. I realized about a year ago that he began using this to his advantage and was really giving me the silent treatment. Cooling off shouldn’t take days, but with him for some reason he never cooled off. He just morphed physical abuse into emotional abuse so that he can look as if he is being good to me by doing this instead. My issues never got resolved until I was ready to move on to something more pleasant with him. So he’ll talk to me again only when I am smiling and pretending nothing happened. In effect, he made it seem as if it was my fault, because he saw his self as waiting for me to “act correctly” before he talked to me again. Crying or sulking also provoked him to continue his treatment.
This is a horrible thing, and it hurts worse than him hitting me honestly. It is much more painful and I get stressed. But I realized the last few times that the best thing for me to do is to move on and ignore him. Don’t try to argue, don’t try to apologize (especially for no reason), just have fun and use this as an excuse to have a mini single life vacation of sorts. I go to my friends house or talk and laugh on the phone, or go to the movies or something on my own, and that somehow gets his attention. He thinks that I am happy with other people and not worried about him. I think he believes that if I am going out, I am not being affected and only he is, so this irritates him. At the same time, when he comes to finally talk, I bring the issue up again and he is usually ready to talk about it, knowing that avoiding it will only push me away (or alteast that’s how he sees me going out). This has worked a lot lately. Although it doesn’t stop him completely, it gets him to recognize the stupidity and futility of his behavior and communicate with me.
So for some that also suffer this problem, move on and focus on making YOURSELF happy. Go to the mall, watch a comedy special on TV, and talk to others. Even take a bubble bath and pamper yourself with a pedicure. Call your siblings/parents and chat about the good old times. Play loudly with the kids. Just make yourself happy without including him. The abuser usually sees this too, and realizing they have no power over you, will stop.
Permalink3
I found this site by looking up “silent treatment” which is what my husband is doing to me now. It has been more than two weeks since he has said anything to me. It does make me angry and scared – I realised that I actually fear him when he does this and wonder what he will do to me next even though he is doing nothing at the time. I know I have to let go and stop allowing him and his problems to fill up my time and affect me the way it does, but it is really difficult – how do I stop myself feeling what I do and having the thoughts I have?
I have my own issues with dealing with my feelings and can get pretty aggressive when angry – I often yell at my husband and that makes him give me more of teh silent treatment. Is it all just a vicious circle and is there any way out of this?
Permalink7
I am one person who can really give silent treatment. My mom does it alot too and only now have I discovered how much it bothers my dad but since I give it alot to my partner, I trully understand.
I have always been told that I have an incontrollable tempere and thats just how I am. Its a part of me that I can never get rid of. Say like a cheerful person. Everyone use to warn me that with this anger, I could kill someone and since I wasnt keen on taking someones life, I took a decision to control the way I get angry.
When I get angry, I always try to stay calm and talk about whatever situation that maybe causing my anger. However if I speak to my partner and he gets defensive then I am afraid that I’ll say something that I will regret. So, what I have resorted to doing is that when we start arguing, I have a conversation with myself and not him because as I said before, a hurricane will come out of my mouth. Anyways, when I have conversations with myself, it means that I will not talk to him and when its all over, I try and talk things through in a calm tone but if he starts arguing again, then I continue to have conversations with myself until we can find common ground.
Thats how I deal with things and I hope that people are acceptive of this. It is not- on my side atleast- somekind of manipulation at all. We all have our own ways of dealing with things.
Permalink8
The silent treatment is manipulative and cowardly. It’s not conducive to anything, on the contrary it destroys relationships. This is not to be confused with “cooling off”.
It only hurts the person that actually cares about the abuser-that cares enough to put up with it and sees beyond these stupid games. It’s a very vicious game, and unfortunately the abuse will always fall back on this scheme, rather than deal with the “issue” at hand. They’d rather play the “victim”, and make the other feel guilty, when in fact it’s quite the opposite.
The abuser actually takes the other for granted. He/she actually doesn’t really care and usually goes on with his/her life quite well, while the one on the receiving end is tortured.
Now is this an equal relationship, conducive to a healthy relationship? No.
Unless the abuser is willing to accept responsibility for his/her actions and understand how destructive this behavior is, this behavior will never end and it will never be a satisfying relationship for either party.
Permalink9
My husband does this to me quite frequently – sometimes I will know why, such as maybe I complained about something or said something negative – and other times, I won’t even know the reason. Nothing was said, nothing happened, but he just gives me the silent treatment anyhow. It lasts for WEEKS every time. Currently it’s happening right now. This is Day 8 of him not speaking to me AT ALL. I have NO clue what happened. Everything was fine and then one day he woke up not talking and is just continuing it through now. He does not say ONE WORD to me, at all. He just refuses.
I try to give him some space but I also extend the olive branch as well. I have told him 5 times over the last week, to tell me if something is wrong. This morning i felt so horrid about it, that I hugged him and broke down in tears while he was on the computer and you know what, he never looked away from that screen – never hugged me back – nothing. I cannot imagine ever doing this to anyone who was obviously in pain and crying, but he does it to me. He acts fine toward our child and is nice to her and plays with her, then walks past me in the hallway as if I am the wall.
I am a very verbal person. I never have a problem telling people my feelings, so he is the antithesis of me. i don’t understand how someone can give another person the silent treatment and treat them as if they don’t even exist. That to me, would be like a form of torture. It’s simply not in my comprehension. We have been together for 8 years – married for 5 – and have a preschooler together. I hate that she sees this – I do not want her to grow up feeling that it’s ok for people to ignore her and for a man to treat her this way. I can’t cry in front of her about it, so I try to remain strong, but it’s hard. Yet I don’t know what to do. Most times my husband is a fantastic man but when this happens I feel like the scum of the earth. I am not even important enough for him to speak to and that tears my heart out. He ignores me if I cry, or try to talk to him. I’ve tried it all, even yelling – nothing works. So, I basically try to sink into the background until he’s over whatever it is that is making him silent. It hurts SO much. It is literally a physical pain in my heart. But I don’t think there is anything I can do about it, as I have tried everything. His excuse is that his dad always did this to his mom when he got angry about something, so now my husband is doing it to me but that”s a crap excuse if you ask me.
We did go to counseling for it 3 years ago and he promised he would never do it again. He started out very welll with it, verbalizing when he was angry, and I would listen very carefully and be sure to keep an even temper and be very sympathetic and understanding, as I wanted him to continue talking instead of the silent treatment….but over the years we have gone right back to the same old routine. And he gets VERY angry if he knows I talk to anyone about it; he feels that our arguments should be “private”.
I don’t know how to deal with it, but I love my husband and I don’t want to leave. Therefore I am just invisible when this happens. I am nobody – nothing. I hate to feel like he doesn’t care about me, but he surely acts like it. It has gone as long as 14 days before. It kills me inside.
Permalink10
JM,
You do have a lot more power than you think. I’ve been through everything you describe, and as childish as it sounds, if you do not intend on leaving him, you have to FIGHT BACK.
By fight back I mean you have to regain control over yourself. Every behavior you end up doing is what he wants. He wants you to cry and sulk and scream and be miserable. In his warped mind, it shows that you need him more than he needs you (which is usually not the case–he needs this affirmation because he is scared of being too vulnerable in needing you).
What you should do is the opposite. It’s hard, but in some ways you have to fight fire with fire by ignoring his silent treatment and moving on with more positive aspects of your life. Go over to a friends house, take your daughter on a girl’s day out, exercise, take care of YOU. If it helps, immediately start to make yourself a schedule of things to do for the rest of the day, to keep yourself occupied and not let his negativity creep into your head. Remain pleasant when you see him, always keep a pleasant face and let him know that you are ready when he is. Your husband sounds just like mine’s, and when I take care of myself and make myself happy, this almost always makes the treatment last only a few hours or so. Usually by the end of the day when I am coming back home or the next morning when I’m heading out to go to the gym, he wants to talk and fix things again. Sometimes, if he sees me getting dressed and ready to go out somewhere, he’s all of a sudden ready to hug and talk.
They really have no power if you remain a warm and cheery person. I always use these episodes as an excuse to go out and have fun without him or pamper myself at home.
In the past, he also used to leave the house and take the car for 8+ hours leaving me stranded at home. I used to run after him, or blow up his cellphone, and make a fool of myself. But then I started preoccupying myself by organizing my office space, giving myself a spa make-over, watching some good movies, dancing and listening to music. Since he was only driving around and sitting somewhere bored for hours just to hurt me, imagine how stupid he felt when he came home and heard the music blasting with me dancing and cooking as if he was never gone! He’s never left the house like that again.
Permalink11
Lol my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment all the time and his mum says i must give him to cold shoulder and ignore him totally even when he comes right again so that he doesnt take advantage over me. . . . My boyfriend is the most difficult person i know and gives me the silent treatment for reasons what are sooooo not valid anyways your advice sounds great and i’m gonna try it bottom line is they want us to be miserable they want us to think of them the entire day and let our lives revolve around them. . . Thats their satisfaction but imagine how their faces will be if they see us enjoying our selves without them. . . I cant wait to see the expression on my boyfriends face. . . Its payback time
Permalink12
thought I would add my blog to this site.
Permalink13
Hi, I decided to google the silent treatment as my husband is giving me the silent treatment at the moment as well. It is actually a real help to know their are others who have to deal with this as well. We had an argument on Saturday night and since then he refuses to speak to me. The longer it goes on the sicker it makes me feel. I know he wants me to sress and wonder what he is doing. I plan to take the advice about going out and doing fun things but I just want it to be over. I actually feel physically sick.
Permalink14
I have been getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend–or is he my ex?–for about two weeks. This started a day after he left the state for three month, so it truly adds to the anxiety I am expeieicning.
It all started several months ago when I tried to open up to him about a traumatic event in my life that occurred just before we met. He told me that he does not get involved in other people’s problems, although I opened up to him in an attempt to get him to ease up on me with his criticisms. It started out with small little things that I just blew off in the beginning, and has escalated to completely negating my feelings and my whole sense of self. I have been experieincing PTSD for about six months and am pretty sure I’m having a nervous breakdown.
When I tried to talk to him at night (even about minor stuff), he would actually get up and leave the house and not come back until the next day. I was not allowed to talk to him at certain times! Sometimes when I was having a particularly bad time, he would start by hanging up on me, telling me not to bother him while he was eating and threaten to not come back.
I can understand if this man just absolutely cannot deal with what I need to talk about, and I dont need to confide in him. I’ve even stopped trying on that subject for the past couple months–it’s just that he still uses it against me to blame me for everything that goes wrong and makes me feel like I’m nothing because I’m crazy. Then, a couple of days before he left, he told me that he just wanted to be “friends” while he is away for three months–he fully expects me to go to therapy and be”fixed” by the time he gets back. We had lived together for a year before this. I wonder if he is relishing that I am now doubly anguished with the fact that he is probably having an open relationship against my wishes, and he expects me to be happy just to see him when he returns.
Now, am I crazy or out of line? This almost feels like abuse from him! Help.
Permalink15
My brother is doing this to me right now. I was late meeting him at a restaurant and instead of waiting for me to arrive (less than half an hour), he went off in a huff. We had arranged a back up plan to meet somewhere else if one of us got lost but when I rushed to this other place, he wasn’t there. No messages for me either. Then I called and called his house to see if he was ok (thought he might have had an accident) but the phone was off the hook. The next day, I had to go to the airport but he didn’t called. Later I got several emails telling me how useful I was – incompetent, stupid, mentally unstable. This was 8 months ago. No contact since.
Permalink16
i, too, am going through the silent treatment right now.
usually, i have an idea why hubby is giving it to me … i said something snarky, or got on his nerves in some way (never anything major enough for what he’s doing), and it usually lasts 2 days. he does everything he can to hurt my feelings — won’t accept food if i prepare it for him (he loves food), won’t look at me, brushes past me as though i’m not in the room if he needs to get something and i’m in the way, answers only when absolutely necessary (usually with something curt).
this time, i have absolutely no idea what i did to make him mad. everything was fine yesterday afternoon (i’ve got a cold, actually, and had insomnia the night before last, so yesterday was NOT a good day for me); we talked on the phone at about 4:30, and everything was fine. i came home at around 5:30, and all of a sudden it’s silent time. he’s coming down with my cold, too, and he always, ALWAYS wants a lot of attention, someone to take care of him, etc, but yesterday, he flat refused anything i offered. refused the dinner i made for him and he cooked for himself (which he never does). i asked if i did something to make him mad, and he said no (curtly). this morning, it’s the same thing. he wouldn’t let me give him breakfast, wouldn’t let me give him medicine, won’t look at me, won’t talk to me …. i’m at a loss.
i like what several posters have said about ignoring the silent treatment and continuing with my day as though nothing’s wrong. i can’t apologize for something i’m unaware of … and he won’t tell me what’s wrong. and if the pattern holds true this time, some time this afternoon, he’ll blow out about whatever it is, give me a nice yelling, and then hug me as i weep miserably and tell me he loves me as though nothing happened.
i hate this. i love him … but as others have said, it feels so much like abuse. he’s a different person when he’s angry. he usually only comes out of it when i finally ask him about something i specifically did (are you upset that i did/said “this”?). this time i guess i have to hope he’ll get over it because i don’t know what i did.
sometimes i feel like the good time majority is not worth these very condensed bad times.
Permalink17
I had been googling about silent-treatment and often it said that women are “better” at it than men. I am really relieved to see that other women are suffering from this abuse from their men, too. Although it makes me sad that we have to be dealing with these ego-trips at all. Sigh!
I am in a long-distance relationship (or -was-) and my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment on and off. his grudges last up to a month or so. while reading all of the above posts, i kept thinking, “why don’t you just leave him?” But i know how hard it is when you truly care about someone. I don’t know how i can make it clear to him that his behavior is not right because he always says it’s better than if he yells at me. I’m not so sure about that, maybe i’d rather he yelled.
Anyway, thanks for the encouragement.
Permalink18
I was very happy to find this website. I am seven months pregnant and am experiencing somewhat of a silent treatment. My situation is a little different in that I actually asked my husband to stay away from me after we had a fight and went and got a restraining order on him but never got it served. Basically we began to argue about him painting one of the rooms (the baby shower is in a week and Ive painted several rooms. . but cant physically do this room). He had promised to paint on his day off but woke up and said he was going to play basketball and would paint when he came back. I argued that it was an all day job and could he sacrifice bball this one day and he screamed at the top of his lungs within in centimeters of my face. I broke down and started to cry telling him how stressed I was and he told me to go cry and mocked how I sounded “Oh Im so stressed”. I basically lost it after that. . .we were screaming, I took his car keys, he grabbed my hand til it hurt til I dropped them. So I went to the court and got a restraining order and came back to ifnd him and his friends paintinf the room I had asked him to paint. I told him about the order and that a police would be coming to serve him and he just said he wasnt going anywhere. I realized I didnt necessarily need the order, I was just so upset I needed for my own sanity at the time. Anyway, that was six days ago. He has slept in our guestroom in the basement since then. I approached him today to ask if we were going to discuss and of course he said “you want me to stay away from you. . so I am”. I responded well we need to talk about what happened and what we’re going to do and he basically did what he always does, says he wasnt wrong in any way, that I freaked out and have issues and he doesnt know what he wants to do. And he proceeded to continue with the silent sleep in another room treatment. Now if this were the first time I would say that I brought his distance on with the restraining order but everytime we get into a big argument he waits for me to approach him to talk about it. He will ignore me until I say something and then deny any wrong in the incident. One time he left me on the side of the road in my car because I demanded he pull over and talk with me and when I got out he just pulled off. I walked over three miles before he came back and got me. In that situation he didnt speak to me for days until I approached him and said he did nothing wrong. Im pregnant and refuse to let him treat me like this in front of our daugther but we’ve only been married for eight months and its embarrassing. Sorry for the long vent. I just am so happy to finally have some validation that the silent treatment IS abouse. Its emotional abuse, it hurts more than being hit physically. To have someone that is supposed to love you ignore your obvious pain, and your tears is torture. So, Ive decided that since I need to stick around until the baby is born, I will try my best tokeep myself busy and happy to negate his stupid silent treatment sleep in another room shenanigans and take away the power he is exerting over me. .because up until now Ive been in bed all day crying and not doing much. but that’s aboout to change. Thank you everyone for sharing.
Permalink19
Gosh, this site has made me feel so much better. I have had such a long day at work and even left early because it is true silent treatment does make you feel physically ill. My boyfriend and I got into a big fight last week, he is very insecure and hates that I go out alot with my friends and basically that I have a better social life than he does. He naggs me alot about it and for the past few months i’ve been taking it in, and just letting it go without a fight. But last week, I don’t know what happened to me, I just lost it, and I really told him off. He was so shocked to see that side of me and really apologised. But I was so angry at myself for having let him push me around and get away with all he’d been doing, I asked for a break. Later on I cooled down and realised that maybe he just felt less loved, because of all my friends and I have such a big family. I then apologised and told him that it’s fine and we should get back together, forget the break i’d asked for. I also asked him to trust me more and realise that it’s him I love more than anything, and i’ll cut down on my social life for him. I thought all was well. Friday afternoon I got beautiful messages, and texts and all that from him. When I got home on Friday night, I rang him and he answered. he told me he was watching something and that I should ring after fifteen minutes. I rang after about 15-20 minutes and there was no answer. Until now, which is Tuesday, silence! No calls, no texts, no emails, nothing. I have tried to say i’m sorry, he just ignores everything. And to make matters worse, we’re oceans apart and next week’s his birthday. he was supposed to come over and visit but now thats just a rumour!
Anyway I feel much better after reading all this, and i’ll just move on being happy as I await my fate… LOL!
Permalink20
Found this while looking for for silent treatment. i get this often from my spouse. sometimes its something i said, sometimes its work or school or something else. it can last from a day to a week, i often do try to guess, i also apologize but not knowing what i was sorry for, then i found this which was comforting to read. and this week is silent treatment day, and it came after a weekend of sweetness, i have said my peace and now i will let it go and not try to ‘figure’ it out, if it works out great but if it doesn’t i’ve done my share. the sad thing is we’ve been together for 10 years and still silent treatment from my very own spouse. sad.
Permalink21
Why are we giving them the power? The men who do this have a serious problem and do not care about us. This is a severe sign of not being in love and it hurts us, the victim of the silent treatment.
Permalink22
This happens in my relationship and we both tend to engage in it at the same time, strangely. Right now it’s been almost 72 hours since my partner spoke to me. We had been having a wonderful evening out where I was to participate in a storytelling event. It went wonderfully and afterward the storytellers, friends, and crew gathered in the bar for a round of drinks and some conversation. After about 10 minutes I noticed my partner wasn’t saying anything. He was just staring off into space. One of the people asked if he was OK and I told him to move his chair around where he could hear the conversation better. A moment later he got up and I thought went to the restroom. Then I didn’t see him again. By that time they had brought plates to serve the cake I had made so couldn’t leave at that moment to hunt him. When I finally got way I spent 45 minutes hunting him all over the hotel in which the event was held. I finally located him after walking up and down the street sitting in our car! His only response for putting me through this was “Why didn’t you call me?” The reason was he had the cellphone and I didn’t and it’s new and I can’t remember the number even if I could find a pay phone! After that, he hasn’t spoken to me again. When we got home he went into his studio (he’s a musician), slammed the door and has refused to even be in the same room with me. I’m angry, frustrated, and honestly… after 12 years together wondering if I can take anymore of this. I did nothing wrong. He ruined a beautiful evening and I’m being punished.
Permalink23
I’ve been married for around 4 years and been living with my husband for around 9 years now. He gives me the silent treatment all the time, but would not talk about it after he snaps out of it. Since he does not talk about it, I do not always know the problem However, I am fed up now. I might have hurt him somehow by being dismissive or not paying attention to whatever he asked, but reality is that I work as much as he does (even more), I cook, take care of the kids, the house… I feel I do a lot and he does not move one finger. I am tired of the silent treatment and I threw the towel on my marriage. I am working on my plan out. I am putting the house for rent and will ask him to find his own place once we find a renter. He does not want to talk to me? I can’t live with a man who does not respect me and emotionally abuse me like this. I can’t deal with it anymore, nor I want to be abused my whole life like this.
I never yelled at him ( I do yell to the kids sometimes because they do not always obey me), but that’s about it. I’ve been very stressed out about our finances and maybe I stopped being fun. I do not like to live like this and before it affects my kids I am leaving, hopefully in good terms (assumming he will continue with the silent treatment, I will be far gone by the time he snaps out of it).
Permalink24
This is too funny. In a weird way. I too googled “silent treatment” and came to this site. It amazes me how many people are in my shoes. I can sympathize with a few women. He doesn’t want to talk to me his loss. This is the first time in 14 years he has pulled this. Oh well. I have my children to attend to. Thanks for the advice. Stay strong women. Maybe they will mature.
Permalink25
I’ve apparently been google-ing the wrong phrases the past few days. I’m actually getting emotional reading all of this it makes me feel like someone else can understand me right now. I started dating my bf 2 years ago tomorrow (yeah day after Xmas.)
Got home from college (only 15 min away from home) friday. The end of the semester was the most stressful BY FAR for me, and his first semester deciding to go to college (I’m 21 in a few days and he’s 22). It was very hard on both of us who were used to being together on a daily basis and all that, very close and very much in love with each other. BTW I’m a less needy, less clingy, less cuddly type of girl as opposed to him being slightly more than I am. The past month has been very unlike us, I expected it because he works and goes to school as I do as well. When it comes to calls and texts though.. we used to “good morning” and “goodnight” absolutely everyday and a lot in between.
Now I get very few responses and never answers to calls which doesn’t bother me except that he would go a day or more too busy or unavailable to answer or get back to me. I understood that somewhat- I was also too busy to respond but I was sympathetic about that. I got home Friday and after calling and texting all day I think I only got 1 text which said “wont be able to see you sorry” (which is soooo unlike him, but again- very busy, ik.) He’s been too busy for a while and has blown me off to go drinking with classmates [who he spends everyday with] when I would see him once or twice a month. I told him calmly I am upset that we never talk, I feel like I’m not even in a relationship lately we aren’t the same people to each other.
He got very angry and just turned it around on me and I told him I was mad he was being defensive and throwing it in my face [because obviously it was a legitimate feeling I was having.] Then it went something like “I’m sick of this I’m not dealing with this crap anymore.” “Yeah great me too this is ridiculous you’re not acting like the same person.” blah blah etc etc. Not that uncommon for us to say that while arguing.
I texted him like 24 hrs later saying something like… I’m sorry if I did that to him earlier in the semester I just missed him and now Ik how much it sucks when the one you love doesn’t have time for you… What did he say back? “Don’t talk to me” I was shocked. He never said that to me before, we don’t swear at each other when we fight or hit below the belt or anything, I have no idea why he said that to me. He’s usually extremely loving and passionate towards me. That was Saturday… Sunday I texted “Whats going on?? why wont you talk to me??” no response. It’s christmas he hasn’t talked to me in about 5 days. That BY FAR tops the longest we have ever fought/ not spoken.
He won’t tell me what the hell is up. It doesn’t make sense that the stupid argument a week ago has caused a break-up. My birthday is the 29th our 2 year is the 26th and such… wtf? I’m just getting angrier with him I think.. Like I’m expecting to soon just be like “You know what, after what we have bee through these 2 years and you STILL can’t even talk to me about why you’re pissed off or try and settle this, F U”
We have been planning to marry though sometime in the future.. but this is completely insane to me! We are best friends and lovers and have been for 2 years everyday of that 2 years.. this is not ok with me…
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Wow. Thanks for this. Reading this site has opened my eyes so much. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 10 months. Giving the silent treatment is what he usually does when he is angry. If I say something he doesnt like, he will ignore me. If we get into an argument he will ignore me for days. The longest he has ignored me for is 5 days.
It makes me very upset and sad when he does this. Even when he is the one who is in the wrong I end up calling and texting him, apologizing. I KNOW that he uses the silent treatment as a form of punishment. Recently, we got into an argument on the day before X-mas. X-mas rolls around and he doesn’t call me. I text him on Christmas to let him know im sorry if I hurt him or what not and that we should not bear anger- especially at Christmas time. Well, he never called. In fact, he ignored me for 3 days. Then all of a sudden, he calls and then he doesnt even want to talk about what he did. As if it never happened. When he gives me the silent treatment I always threaten to leave but then I never do. So i’m sure he feels that he can do it and that i will always take it.
Well, as the new year approaches he will be in for a shock! I am no longer putting up with this. Communication is key in a relationship and I refuse to allow this to go on.
Reading all of the other comments above has made me realize that it is not worth it. Many of you are married to these kind of people. I am just starting out in a relationship with this kind of person so it is easy for me to leave since we are only in the dating stage. I am afraid that If i was to marry this man then he will do it even more and worse once married. Also, he does the silent treatment for the dumbest, smallest problems. What will he do when its a big problem?? The next time he does this to me then I am out. Period. I already let him know. Im sure he doesnt believe me but he will be shocked.
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WOW! I’m so glad I found this. I’ve been driving myself crazy because of this guy. We’re not together right now because he just won’t talk to me over silly things that happened. Basically, I had health issues which were causing a hormonal imbalance, so I was very overemotional and whatnot for a long time. I tried talking to him in person and he just looked the other way. I tried talking to him on AIM, and he blocked me. I tried calling, he won’t answer my calls. And I haven’t even contacted him in a stalker kind of way!
I just don’t understand what his problem is. A couple friends tried to help, he tells them to stay out of it.
Part of me says that it’s just not worth it anymore to fight for him, on the other, I do care about him and miss him.
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I sound like everyone else, but its true, I am so glad I found this website! I did use to torture myself, what do I do, I need to be the peace maker or the marute one, but it is what it is, a big game. These guys are jerks, I know we love them, but for God’s sake we must love ourselves too. My husband is doing this to me know and its been 1 week. What a jerk!!!! I tried talking to him about how I felt about this so now heknows it works. Well I got something for him, he can play by himself all he wants, thank you for the peac!!!!
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Sorry for the mistypes, I dont mean to get even with the silent treatment bandit, just live your life for yourself, be happy. You dont need that person to have peace in your life. I know my husband have issues and thats why I let him get away with so much, but dont let anone for any reason mistreat you ever, no matter how much you “love” them. If the jerks really cared so much for us then they wouldn’t do
this to us. Think about it, do they do it to their family, their mothers, their buddies? No, they do it to us because they know that we want this relationship and will do anything to make it work. This is a bunch of BS and I am glad to open my eyes to this BS game, I am sick of being consumed with this jerk who is not thinking or caring for me!
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M wrote: “he’ll blow out about whatever it is, give me a nice yelling, and then hug me as i weep miserably and tell me he loves me as though nothing happened.” Seriously, are you married to my husband?! I never knew that so many women receive the same treatment. I’ve felt everything everyone has posted. ie, He is cool with everyone else (best is he is cool with me in front of others, but then when it is just us, back to the silent treatment). His parents fought like this, which is something i am not familiar with, so it is really foreign to me and i’ve been dealing with it from him for 7 years. I am so glad to know that i am not alone. I never post anything, in fear of him finding out and thereby not keeping this issue “PRIVATE”, but i am too compelled not to post. As we speak he just locked himself in his office…nice.
Here is a dynamic that i haven’t seen discussed yet: If i try to get on with life and ignore his silent treatment, he tells me that “i don’t care”. Really, i’m the one that doesn’t care?! He won’t end the silent treatment until i am sobbing and begging, which is just what he wants. I can be strong, but it is almost worth it to give in, just so we can get back to a normal life. I don’t think he realizes how much he is pushing me away. I am glad to hear this referred to as abuse. He’d never agree, but i do.
Sorry for the rambling post. I need to get as much out as i can before he notices what i am doing. Gosh, i really do sound abused. yikes, time for me to go to counseling for sure. Ironically, he says i need it to be a better communicator. Funny, i know.
Thanks all you strong ladies, it mean much to me to not be alone! Peace!
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Yep, same problem here. I was agonizing over the last few days and whining “why won’t he call me” to anyone who would listen but now I finally see what’s actually going on. I haven’t been with my boyfriend that long but I’m finally seeing a pattern. Every time I go out or spend time with my friends, I’m cut off from all communication and I stupidly email/call, etc. I found out that he’s done this to other girlfriends and even his poor mother. He told me that he had one past girlfriend who was diagnosed as bipolar and that she was very needy and clingy. I can only imagine what kind of train wreck that relationship was. They must have been a real joy to be around.
I was also just reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder and I don’t really want to engage in armchair psychology, but my boyfriend really fits the bill. I think I need to RUN from this relationship as fast as possible. It’s really sad because I think there’s a decent guy somewhere underneath all this mess. But I don’t even know what to do if does break his silence and call. I need to take care of me.
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My husband of 30 plus years is giving me the silent treatment right now. It has been going on for several weeks now. I don’t have a clue as to why I am receiving this torture.
I am a woman who like to make her man feel loved and happy. I have waited on him since day one of our marriage. He seems to take me for granted. I have bore him three healthy children and they have witnessed his abuse since their birth. He use to beat the HELL out of me, until I got the guts to call the cops and have him locked-up. He hasn’t hit me since. Now his form of abuse is the silent treatment. He has a girlfriend as well. He is a stingy, uncaring and selfish person. He is so stingy that it is painful for me. He does not care to spend a bundle on his girlfriend, but doesn’t spend a dime on me. I buy my clothes at a second hand, or the Good will store. My self esteem is sub-zero. I consider myself a very intelligent and attractive woman, but to him I am a ugly crone. Now I am looking into a divorce. I cannot stand someone totally ignoring me. My husband does not make eye contact with me. My heart is breaking and there is nothing I can do about it. Divorce is the only answer right now.
I feel really sad for every one who posted here on this website. My heart goes out to all of you. I, too, believe the silent treatment is a form of emotional torture. My husband is a cold, heartless bastard. God forgive me for my anger. This is how he makes me feel. I cannot go out and have any fun, for I do not have any money. He controls that too.
Good luck to all of you who are being giving the silent treatment.
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Hmmm… I get the silent treatment because I continuously get critisised… mostly she’s right, although I feel she doesn’t actually hear what I’m saying – I generally respond with “yes, you’re right, but I feel like you’re attacking me when you say it.”, and she generally continues to pick another reason to attack me We get on most of the time. During the times where we have a misunderstanding, I get the stoney face and silent treatment. Frankly, when she looks stoney, it make me feel like she does not want to engage and be conversational in the slightest. Sometimes this goes away after a few mins, and sometimes it can last for days. I know she’s trying to punish me – she’s admitted that. However, when she behaves like this I simply carry on and get on with whatever I want to do… this annoys her even more as I’m not responding to her game. Now, I *think* this should be the healthy thing to do, but as it turns out, we’re getting increasingly distant. We do talk, however I’m in a relationship with a verbally agressive woman, and I’m a sensitive (and probably insecure) bloke who gets defensive, although I do try to draw a line and ask for things to be toned down… mostly this never happens, which makes things become even more difficult.
I suspect that I’m probably being emotionally abusive back as I’m not yeilding to her demands… I just wish that we can get along and talk things through constructively rather than feel like I’m always in the wrong.
Any suggestions would be very very welcome. I really need to know how to work this through before things get too bad.
I have a lot of family problems at the moment, and I am dealing with them in my way, however my partner expects me to deal with things a differentLy, and there is no scope for any middle-ground. It’s her way, or no communication.
Am I being abusive in any way? I’ve read these forums, and I think we both may be.
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I have been married to my husband for sixteen years now. He has always played this game of manipulation/immaturity. It used to bother me to the point that I would cry myself to sleep. Because I get them so often and for such a long period of time, I am way past that. I have tried the whole moving on phase but he is also obsessive and this only makes it worse. I do not think that making this non-sense worse is in the best interest of our family.
I have learned over the years that if I stay out of his way, keep my thoughts and comments to myself, let him have what he wants, when he wants it then I will not get the silent treatment. The problem with all this is that life does not revolve around him. With four kids (three still in the house), I/we have other responsibilities. He does not see this nor cares. He only cares about his wants, needs, and desires. He refuses to talk to me because he says I get “crabby with him.” He only says that because he knows that if he sits down and thinks about it, he will realize that it is stupid, unnecessary or can wait.
I wish someone could tell me what all this proves. How can any person think that this helps get what they want? You know what cares me now? It is not the silent treatments anymore. What scares me the most is that I am so tired of the games that they no longer make me sad. They make me more furious and numb inside every day it occurs. It happens so often that pretty soon our relationship will just be a continuous silent treatment. Does all this mean that I am ready to move on with my life?
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i also get the silent treatment, i thought i was the only one until i came across this page , the longest has been 6 months he has started again so far it is 5 weeks and now he has stayed out all night,, it is driving me nuts, i know from experience not to cry , get angry or even let him think it annoys me, i have seen him smile in the past when i have been begging him to talk. so i just try to get on with my life as if i am single.
when he stopped speaking to me for 6months it was because i would not leave my job which i loved, my work mates and my boss were all very close . i took photos of a night out we had on my phone and one photo of my boss ,who is male really annoyed him and he made me feel like i was having an affair with him all the questions about why he was in my phone . it was a works do for gods sake.everyone who was there had a photo taken. so he stopped talking to me.
all the accusations of what me and my boss were doing, i have more respect for myself than that, but i later found out it was him that was doing those things with a woman he worked with . i tortured myself trying to prove my innocence. when the whole time it was him. my boss even offered to talk to him.
we separated after that, but i really missed him (i know i am mad) he promised he would change and he did for about a year but now the old routine is back.
i get really confused because he can be very loving and would give me the world if he could , thats one momnent and then the next treat you like you are no better than the dirt under his feet and not talk for months, he now gives my boys the silent treatment which hurts worse than giving it to me. i am sitting here crying writing this and thinking about separation again.
not only would i loose him but his side of the family and i have a niece i am very found of, so i have to think long about what i am doing and who it affects
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TO EMMA
run run as fast as you can my husband was like that when we were going out together, and i found out that is what he was like with other girlfriends.
he had not talked to his mother for years and even when i married him he still did not talk to her, she used to cry to me when he was not around about how bad she felt, i was only 17 so i did not have any sense ,looking back now , i should have got out of the relation ship before the boys came along, he did start to speak to her when my first arrived but not with any respect. so my advice to you is get out before you become to attached to him, i love my husband very much,which is making it very hard for me and we have been together 25 years with intervals of him not talking and me throwing him out for his treatment to me and every time he promises to change but does not.
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My fiancee and I have been “dating” for seven years. Our relationship has been on and off. Ironically, every time he wants to cheat, he creates a problem in order to place the blame on me. Just three weeks ago, we had a very small argument. I tried confronting the situation and asked him to work it out. He refused. For three weeks, I called him several times, and he did not pick up the phone. I texted him once to tell him I missed him. He never called back. I was contacted by one of his on again off again girlfriends ( she found my telephone number, I assume by searching his phone) to tell me that he was taking her on a vacation that he planned for us. In April 2010, I will be graduating with my Master’s degree. After three weeks, and the silent treatment, I called him and asked him how could he do this to me. He didnt deny it, I hung up the phone. I realize that the silent treatment was a way for him to blame me, belittle me and make me feel like I was nothing. I acknowledge that the silent treatment was a way for him to make a excuse to leave the relationship to pursue his relationship with a woman he cheated on me with for three and a half years. Today, I see it a emotional abuse. I am a domestic violence survivor, and I am grateful I found the information that informed me that the silent treatment as well as cheating on a partner is abusive. I refuse to participate or engage in this relationship ever again. I take my power back.
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OMG!
Im so glad I came across this page…I have been getting the silent treatment for about almost a week and a half. It is very frustrating, but you know what now I know its not my problem to figure out. Im done! I have attempted to solve this puzzle but have not been succesful and if I mattered enough to him he would’ve made contact by now, because I have already made an attempt. Im being punished for something I didnt do gggrrrrh!!!!!
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Hi,
I have some of problem with a friend that gives me silent treatment. She doesn’t live in the same country. I told her some points that were harmful in her behaviour and the last time we talked on the phone in December. I have no news, I tried to contact her by email,no news…I don’t know if she is abuser or if she need a cooling off longer than expected and finally I don’t know what I have to do. For me it’s becoming difficult to have a same behaviour all the time as I don’t know if her behaviour is a kind of manipulation or not. I don’t know what to do, I have no courage to call her again.
I would appreciate if you could help me. I hate silence treatment, I think that mature people share even if they meet some struggle time to time in a relationship. I like communication !….
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I can identify so well with so much written here. My husband and I were married for 36 years and I know the silent treatment so well. It is not nice. It is abuse pure and simple. It will never get any better if your case is anything like mine. The last bout I endured went for three months and that was just because I disagreed with something he said. Funny, but I still remember the very first time he used the silent treatment. We hadn’t been married for long and I said something to upset him – always easy to do because he was so super-sensitive. He didn’t speak to me for 24 hours which was torture for me back then. I apologized and he still didn’t speak. I broke down in tears and then he ‘forgave’ me. I still relive that moment because I believe that is where I handed myself to him on a plate and gave him all the ammunition he needed for the rest of our years together. I wish I had turned around and left the immature self-centred git. Well never too late. We were divorced early this year but have been apart almost three wonderful years. I regret the wasted years though have wonderful children (grown up now) to show for it. Don’t waste your time on these idiots. They are incapable of loving you because they can’t see past themselves. The years will fly by and one day you might regret, as I do, wasting your precious youth on such a creature.
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thanks for writing this and i’m glad i found it. my current partner gives me the silent treatment too often. it’s frustrating because even after it is over she never lets me talk it over with her. maybe she’s afraid of learning more about herself and her behaviour. i don’t know.
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WOW! Not sure if it is comforting or disturbing how many of us are going through the same thing. Like everyone else, I was so glad to find this website. I am on day 5 of the silent treatment from my boyfriend. We have been dating for about a year and this is the 5th time it has happened. I usually get very upset and cry about it and beg him to talk to me. Not this time. I think the advice given about going on with your life is good. You don’t have to do it in an angry way or make it seem like you are going to beat him/her at their own game. You can still keep a loving demeanor. I have just been giving him his space, asking him how long he plans to let this go on and are we eventually going to talk about the issue? I have not been needy and emotional like I would normally be and he seems to be coming around slowly. I know he loves me very much and I love him too. We are both very passionate and stubborn people-that’s what usually gets us in trouble! We get along great other than when we get into an argument and this happens. I think it is a little of both: he is trying to punish me, but I also know he has a temper and he does not want to say something to me that he will regret later. But 5 days? I think that is a little extreme. I agree with what someone said earlier about it not being my responsibility to try and read his mind just as it is not his to read mine. That really put things in perspective for me. I am not trying to condone his behavior or mine. We both definitely have issues that we need to work through together and break this cycle if this relationship is going to last. At least with the stories, comments and advice I have received here, I have a little more confidence in myself and know that I will be okay! THANK YOU!
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I was married to an emotionally abusive man for 32 years. Walking around on eggshells and trying to figure out how to mold myself to meet his self-centered, immature needs, and not stir up the seething anger just beneath the surface is no way to live. I left 5 blissful years ago. My leaving revealed him to be a pathetic insecure mess who needed to manipulate and control me.
32 years of this has changed me. It was difficult to trust, and hard work to understand and change the patterns of relating that were set up in this abusive relationship. It’s well worth the peace and freedom!
Take back your power. Don’t waste 32 years!
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I got married to a lovely woman whose only weapon on me is this silent treatment. Usually it is brief, but it’s becoming more of something she does before going to bed, then everything’s fine the next morning. Boy it hurts and takes a special kind of resolve to be happy in spite of it. Sometimes it is for things I did, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes I just talk her ear off and apologize for anything and say anything I can think of till she can’t bear to ignore me anymore. At times, I’ve been reduced to sort of begging and grovelling at times, crying from the pain. I’m stepping away from that response tonight. Most of the time, I’m amazed at how great our marriage is, but when thing go south it’s a cold winter! I’ve been in some much worse relationships and my feeling is that the ideal of being great all the time is for people in monasteries; if you want sex and companionship, you’ll need a thick skin because it comes with torment and wasting of oneself on another persons ego. Loneliness is also full of problems, so…live it up either way, I guess. I think for me, it’s revolutionary to be happy in spite of your situation, and if you can’t, that’s ok, it’s only natural. But you can try and try again and eventually you will become what you want to be.
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WOW! I have been looking for a website like this for years! Just a place to come and vent and share and not have to worry about being judged or criticized. I have been married for 17 years to my toddler/husband whom I will call “Chuckles.” He has perfected the art of the silent treatment in that time. For many years, I gave in to it … crying, begging, doing anything I could to get him to talk to him. He’d always sit there stony-faced or use that opportunity to further insult and deride me with a cold holier-than-thou attitude. One thing he did that always sent me into a tizzy was his porn addiction. I cannot tell you how much arguing, begging, crying and threatening I did over that. None of it worked. He made it very clear to me that if he had to chose between me and it and he would choose it. Finally, one day, I just stopped. I took the weekends when he would lock himself away in our basement with his stack of porn movies and liquor as opportunities to do whatever I wanted without him hovering over me. I also looked objectively at him and what I saw was a guy whose temper and behaviour no other woman (certainly not any woman I knew) would put up with for even one week. I also saw that my feelings for him had changed. I did not respect him and I was not in love with him anymore. Once I realized that, I stopped caring about the porn … period. Didn’t bother me in the least. And guess what? He stopped doing it! About a year later, I asked him why he stopped and he said (and I quote), “Once it stopped bothering you, it wasn’t as much fun anymore.” YES! I was shocked to discover that had been the motivation all along and I was stunned that he would even admit that to me.
So now, even though my house is porn-free, it’s not silent treatment free. Chuckles is a control freak. He is a very agressive driver and he feels insulted when people don’t take his often unsolicited advice. He is super-sensitive to the point that even after 17 years of marriage, I still don’t know what will set him off. I liken him to a turtle without a shell. Even things that would feel good to most people (like a breeze using the turtle analogy) have the potential to irritate him. Sometimes when I am feeling very objective, I feel sorry for him. I would hate to live a life where every day is just one irritation after another. Most people think he’s wonderful … so funny, so generous, great husband and father … what a guy! We look like the perfect couple. It’s gotten so that now whenever I meet a guy and think, “Wow, what a nice guy. She’s so lucky to have a husband like that,” my next thought is, “Yeah, but you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. He probably yells at her and beats her.” I don’t know that for a fact, but I just can’t take anyone at face value anymore. I’m always convinced there is a dark side lurking in there somewhere.
Currently, Chuckles is treating me to the silent treatment over a calamity that did NOT happen. Can you believe it? I’m sure you can. For these guys, the trigger never matters. It’s not about that anyway. Chuckles gets ticked off a dozen times a day, but I’ve never seen him act this way to his boss or any of his clients. He does act like this toward his family though and that’s a red flag I definitely missed way back when. One time, his mother even said to me, “I don’t know how you stand him.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or grab her and shake her. I wanted to scream at her, “ME? You’re the one who raised this monster!” I won’t even go into the mini-series that was his childhood, but suffice it to say that it was not happy and he basically treats me the way his father treated him … only when it was directed toward him, it was abusive and neglectful. The way he treats me is, of course, “not the same thing.”
The trigger for him seems to be my anger. I don’t DARE express anger at him for anything. Usually when he yells at me, I keep quiet. I notice it blows over quicker, but it’s hard. Sometimes, I just cannot hold it in and I fight back. Then, I say things that are usually pretty on target … stuff he doesn’t want to hear … stuff I’ve been observing and thinking about for years. Whenever I get angry at him or complain about anything, his response is always, “Well, you have lights, don’t you? You have heat, food and water, don’t you?” So I usually just keep it all to myself. I’m sure that’s why I have high blood pressure.
The silent treatment still gets me, but I don’t let it show. He used to make a big production out of doing his own cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. when he was mad at me and it would always send me into a tailspin of tears. Of course he knew it would. Then one day it dawned on me – LESS WORK FOR ME! Hey, great! Now I have no problem with it. It’s more housework than he ever does when everything is peachy-keen between us.
Okay, so now that I don’t react the same way to his silent treatment, he has begun turning up the heat. He’ll throw my stuff around or snap at me whenever we are forced to communicate or threaten me financially (I am at this point financially dependent on him as I work a part-time job. My girlfriend just got a divorce though so I am well aware of the divorce and support laws in our state now. I keep that info in mind though just as an FYI.) It’s like he’s trying to goad me into saying something just so he can dump all over me again.
Ideally, I would love to save my marriage. When things are good between us, they are very good. We have had some great times. Still, walking on eggshells all the time is no way to live and for some odd reason, he never fails to pull a stunt like this whenever I’m down from something else. He is not supportive of me emotionally in any way. For instance, a very dear friend of mine died a couple of weeks ago and now he pulled this. I always tell myself, “Never let it be said that Chuckles failed to kick you when you were down.”
When he is speaking to me, he can be VERY critical. Nothing I do is right. It used to be that when he told me he loved me, I would wonder why. How can he love anyone who is all the things he says I am? Now I just don’t care anymore. He has done wonders for my self-esteem, but not in a good way. I honestly cannot think of a single woman I know who would put up with any of his crap. So why do I? Well, it’s not as easy to walk away when you have children and property and a business together. Our youngest is just starting high school. As I said, I’d really like to make our marriage work. I’d love for it to be as good on the inside as it appears on the outside, but one person cannot make a marriage work.
All I can say is thank God I have friends I can talk to and I’m so grateful to have found this place and read all your comments. Thank you for reading mine!
Permalink46
I didn’t know there was so much on silent treatment being a form of abuse — and yet those who are on the receiving end of it can attest to its power to inflict pain that is as real as physical pain.
My husband blows up at anything — I don’t even know what happened the last time. He’s OK with everyone except me — behaves as if I was a ghost, even when I’m talking directly to him, and doesn’t even look at me.
Added to this, he’s a mental health professional, who ought to recognize what’s he’s doing. I agree that it is a form of manipulation, and it is up to the recipient to decide not to be manipulated. it is difficult, especially when, like me, you have been conditioned to think that if you grovel and beg long enough, you will get a response — any response. I remember provoking him into shouting his head off at me, and thinking to myself that even this was better than no response at all.
Sometimes, i ask myself, why would a highly-educated woman in a modern society take all this? A large part of the answer lies in the family we have created, and the web of friends we have built up over the past 20 years. To tear all this down would mean a major reworking of our lives. So the alternative is to stick it out till the kids are grown, I think — that is my long term plan – if he doesn’t change.
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Thank you for sharing your insights to the silent treatment. I have been married for over 17 years and we have 3 children:17, 12, and 8. My husband gets upset so easily over the smallest things because he turns them into bigger issues that they are. He always looks for problems in every situation and is eager to create fear and anxiety about day to day tasks. When I disagree with him or blow him off he gives me the silent treatment…for days. He also show very limited affection toward me. He hasn’t kissed me on the mouth in over 5 years. He doesnt hold my hand, or say encouraging words….I cry myself to sleep and he sleeps soundly. I feel so isolated and alone. We moved away from my family over 12 years ago. He has only agreed to me flying home twice…my father and my sister passed away. He did not come home with me either time…he had to work. I feel like he doesnt nor has he ever loved me. I stay because we have 3 children. Should I leave? I am feeling numb…my life is disappearing year by year. I do not want to hurt my children.
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Also…when I do say I am leaving he gets violent and threatens to kill himself. He punches holes in the walls, slams doors, sobs uncontrollably. ???
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Further to my my last post , I feel this has happenened so many times, It makes me feel like I have done something really wrong for him to behave like this,I have started to answer him back when I don’t agree with things which I did on Saturday, this is why he is not talking to me, Its so hard as I do not know what he is thinking, if he cares about how I feel,this is so unfair,I agree with some of the other posts its more to do with their own insecurities, and how they cope within themseleves,I think alot of the time with my situation, he cannot control his temper so ignores me incase it all explodes, many times he has said, don’t wind me up, usually over trival things,he can be the most loving person though and this is why its so difficult, you tend to grab those moments and ignore all the emotional abuse. anyway I have decided not to go in to work and go to the jobcentre and try to take control of my life, as this destroying me,I’m 46 and a good person!!
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I’ve been reading several of the posts. Alot of the husbands are described as having temper’s. What about one that doesn’t show any emotion? He’s a cop, so he’s been trained to show no emotion. He has gotten mad and thrown things a few times, which then I leave for him to pick up, but 98% of the time, he just wakes up in the morning and decides he’s not going to speak or what about the days he wakes up and decides after 3 weeks of silence, he’s going to talk like everything is just great, no problems.
I truly think he has mental problems. Most people don’t know we are having problems, because he is so social and talkative when we are around others, but as soon as we get back in the car or are alone, no words. The silence begins again.
I’ve talked to my family and a few friends and they see him all talkative and social and just can’t believe he’s anything like I describe. It’s frustrating because I don’t feel anyone believes me.
Some of the blogs above state they’ve been putting up with this for 15 plus years. I’m only on year 4 and it’s killing me. I believe I’m a strong individual, I’ve been married 2 other times, both to abusive men, my father was abusive. I’m not talking phyical, one of the moron’s hit me once, kicked me once and kicked out my car window when my kid was in the car, needless to say that was the end of that marriage. But most of the abuse is mental. The silent treatment or comparing you to someone he knows I don’t care for. Just degrading and belittling me.
The silent treatment is the worst though. Mainly because I never know when it’s going to start or stop, what sets him off or not. I hate what it does to me and I hate that my kids are subjected to it.
He’s not one to talk about his childhood. He was adopted and his parents are nice people. They’ve are set in the old ways, where they both think women should clean the house and raise the kids and the men should do the yard work. I called them sexist pigs, which probably wasn’t the best decision I made, but it was during a time that their son was sleeping 16 -20 hours a day and he wasn’t doing no yard work or anything else and I didn’t want to hear all their excuses for him. He just doesn’t get enough sleep. You need to help him more. He’s still upset about his sister committing suicide.
I’m sorry about that, but life goes on. Morn, cry , get counseling, talk about it, but he didn’t and doesn’t do any of that. She’s gone and in a better place. She was obviously in a lot of pain and didn’t like her life. So why would you continue to treat the people you supposedly love in the same manner you treated your sister? You trying to push them over the edge to satisfy your guilt? Why not treat others opposite of how you treated your sister, so they know you love them and enjoy your life.
I’ve become very sarcastic in the last few months. The silent treatment has been going on for months and I’m doing my best to just get on with my life, but it’s still there, day after day and it eats at you.
Since I don’t know how to stop the cycle, I join in. Which is wrong I know, but I’ve tried to get him to talk, I’ve been sympothic, understanding, and down right mean. Nothing works, he still stays silent, no emotion, just sits on his ass watching tv, or sleeping.
I personally think he’s not only depressed, but he’s got some mental issues going on.
I tried contacting his ex-wife to get her perspective. But haven’t had any luck. I think this is a cycle with him and just wanted to confirm it. Not that it really matters. The marriage is over in my mind, I just need to decide when to take the next step. I deserve so much better!
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