Life & Therapy

Another year is ending, and many people use this time to make New Year’s resolutions, hoping to do things differently in our lives.  I’ve mentioned before that I am not a fan of making changes that are externally motivated (i.e. the calendar page turning), rather than internally motivated (i.e. you are ready for the change).

I don’t like to make changes according to an external date because the motivation has nothing to do with your internal state of being.  Resolutions tend to be about changing a behavior without looking at its internal roots.  This is like putting paint on a car in an attempt to solve its engine problems.  Common New Year’s resolutions are to spend less, eat less, drink less, exercise more, and so on.  These all involve behaviors with emotional roots.  When you try to change a behavior without looking at its emotional roots, your chances of maintaining that change are slim.  Then, when you “fail” at what you committed to do, you feel worse, which feeds the emotions that drive the negative behavior in the first place, and that behavior comes back with a vengeance.  It is a bitter cycle.

Instead of making a resolution to change, you could use this time to investigate the emotions driving the behavior you wish to change.  Look at how it has played out in your life.  So often, we are so busy looking forward, we don’t think to look back, but that is where all the helpful information lies.  Take the behavior you’ve targeted for change, and look at how it has shown up in the past year.  Look for evidence of the emotions that drive that behavior.  Maybe you drink to numb feelings of anger.  Perhaps you eat when you feel lonely.  It could be that you shop when you are sad.  Are you ready to feel these emotions behind the drinking, the eating, the shopping?  If the answer is “yes,” then this could be an  emotionally adventurous year for you.  Happy New Year!