Dealing with the Silent Treatment
I like to look at my website statistics, to see how people find this site. The keyword phrases can be pretty interesting- I get many people looking for “Zacatecas ice cream.” Many people are also looking for help with finding love, keeping love, and navigating relationships. While I can’t really offer much help in the department of Mexican ice cream, I can address the topics having to do with the emotional realm.
Recently, someone found me by searching for how to deal with a romantic partner giving them the silent treatment. My first reaction was just to feel the pain of this unknown person somewhere out there in cyberspace. Getting the silent treatment from the person closest to you can be hurtful and frustrating. The silent treatment is a manipulative tool often used by the more passive partner in the relationship, usually as a form of punishment for something that the more assertive partner is supposed to puzzle out. This way, the more passive one takes no risk while their partner squirms and tries to please them, figure out the mystery, pull them out of their shell, grovel, apologize, etc. It is a very hostile maneuver, and a classic in the relationship dynamic I call underwatering/overwatering .
If you are being given the silent treatment, you are being punished for something, but you are not actually being told what that something is and how you can make up for it. The first step is to notice how you are feeling in the moment- do you feel pulled out of yourself, trying to read your partner’s mind? Are you angry? Apologetic? Scared? Notice just how much you feel hooked into trying to work out this puzzle. It is not your job to read your partner’s mind. It is not your job to fix something for someone who isn’t using their words. Give yourself permission to stop trying. Take the focus off of your partner’s puzzle, and bring attention to your own feelings.
Next, you can let your partner know that you care, and can see that something has upset them. Invite them to tell you what has upset them, and let them know that unless they tell you, there is nothing you can do for them- they may not be talking to you, but their ears are working just fine. Then, let it go as best you can. Every time you notice yourself trying to read their mind and “fix” the situation, remind yourself that it is not your job to figure this out, and let yourself off the hook. When you refuse to play games, the games tend to fall apart pretty quickly.
More posts on the Silent Treatment:
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: An Experiment for You
When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option
Ending a Relationship by Using the Silent Treatment
Communicating about Taking Space in a Relationship- An Alternative to the Silent Treatment
Why Do People Give the Silent Treatment?
The Silent Treatment vs The Cooling-Off Period
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment
The Pain of the Silent Treatment and What It May Be Telling You
Not All Silence is the Silent Treatment
237 comments
Permalink151
You have to see the irony in the “Say something” – when posting a comment lol
Thats exactly what I want her to do… “Say something”, got to see the funny side of things sometimes!
Permalink152
I understand that you need to give it your best shot and try to understand the behaviour but how many years is reasonable to accept maybe it will always be the same. You could waste your whole life dedicated to someone who doesn’t give you what you need. I admire your unselfish act Joe but maybe you could be just being someone’s comfort blanket for their own selfish needs.
Permalink153
I gain a number of mixed emotions from these messages, a sense of sadness and longing to help and a sense of powerlessness. I do realise, however, that the feeling of powerlessness is normal when you truly love someone an acceptance that you can get hurt quite easily. The ST shuts that down in the person on the reciving end, the acceptance is different in that you know you will get nothing back, you being hurt or emotional is almost seen as a weaknesses a “chink” in your armour to be used or exploited and certainly used. They are in control of their emotions, they say nothing to reinforce it. This just breeds an enormous amount of resentment which only leads one way. What I will say is don’t go down the route of being like them, never shut off your basic emotions, it’s what defines you as a person, if you do your are not being true to yourself or any other person that may come into your life. Wendy, I can totally associate with the situation your in, the affair and any subsequent actions will no doubt be your fault or it will be manufactured to be exactly that. I firmly beleive that accepting the ST gives them the “green light” to carry on. Yes overtly accept it, internaly never ever accept it as all your worth. Be practical (beleive it helps) establish and develop a new life in your head free from the turmoil of the ST, so if we have the courage to take action and leave, then you are prepared both emotionally and practically. Theses actions, I think will help you not only deal with the ST but will show in your demeanour and will perhaps make them think, if it doesnt then you have lost nothing and gained a degree of emotional stability allowing you to move on as and when you need to.
Don’t ever become the thing that causes or has caused you pain. To show emotions, regardless of what they are and to show them is the “normal” thing to do, the ST is not. I know I am at a point where emotionally, psychologically and physically I am able to deal with the ST, as I am prepared and she knows it. I will never allow myslef to be controlled by silence anymore. Don’t get me wrong I still hate it and am subjected to it. But the time will come, where we have the strength either through our own actions or by their’s, because unless they accept the ST as destructive and unproductive the end of the relationship will come.
Don’t ever emotionaly accept or be controlled by the “just leave it” or you will get the ST treatment, even if you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself down several times and move on and don’t allow it to turn you into the very thing you have longing to escape from. For every day of the ST is a day lost in your life, a day wasted, a day controled. Be prepared, find the strength, accept that the relationship is over, because under the ST it effectively is, beleive it will show in you and if the relationship ends you are ready and emotionaly still stable, it hasn’t destroyed your faith in love or life.
Permalink154
I gain a number of mixed emotions from these messages, a sense of sadness and longing to help and a sense of powerlessness. I do realise, however, that the feeling of powerlessness is normal when you truly love someone an acceptance that you can get hurt quite easily. The ST shuts that down in the person on the reciving end, the acceptance is different in that you know you will get nothing back, you being hurt or emotional is almost seen as a weaknesses a “chink” in your armour to be used or exploited and certainly used. They are in control of their emotions, they say nothing to reinforce it. This just breeds an enormous amount of resentment which only leads one way. What I will say is don’t go down the route of being like them, never shut off your basic emotions, it’s what defines you as a person, if you do your are not being true to yourself or any other person that may come into your life. Wendy, I can totally associate with the situation your in, the affair and any subsequent actions will no doubt be your fault or it will be manufactured to be exactly that. I firmly beleive that accepting the ST gives them the “green light” to carry on. Yes overtly accept it, internaly never ever accept it as all your worth. Be practical (beleive it helps) establish and develop a new life in your head free from the turmoil of the ST, so if we have the courage to take action and leave, then you are prepared both emotionally and practically. Theses actions, I think will help you not only deal with the ST but will show in your demeanour and will perhaps make them think, if it doesnt then you have lost nothing and gained a degree of emotional stability allowing you to move on as and when you need to.
Don’t ever become the thing that causes or has caused you pain. To show emotions, regardless of what they are and to show them is the “normal” thing to do, the ST is not. I know I am at a point where emotionally, psychologically and physically I am able to deal with the ST, as I am prepared and she knows it. I will never allow myslef to be controlled by silence anymore. Don’t get me wrong I still hate it and am subjected to it. But the time will come, where we have the strength either through our own actions or by their’s, because unless they accept the ST as destructive and unproductive the end of the relationship will come.
Don’t ever emotionaly accept or be controlled by the “just leave it” or you will get the ST treatment, even if you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself down several times and move on and don’t allow it to turn you into the very thing you have longing to escape from. For every day of the ST is a day lost in your life, a day wasted, a day controled. Be prepared, find the strength, accept that the relationship is over, because under the ST it effectively is, beleive it will show in you and if the relationship ends you are ready and emotionaly still stable, it hasn’t destroyed your faith in love or life
Permalink155
i learned alot about silent treatment.
i learned it is a control issue,that i did nothing
wrong by expressing myself. by u stating(writer)
that we are not mind readers it lets me know
i was on the right track based on a personal
comment that i particularly made in the situation.
thank you for teaching me how to deal
with silent treatment. the person giving me the
silent treatment has done it in my past.i didnt kno
how to handle it,it ate me alive. i fed into it by
tryn to get them to speak, it made it worst.
its tha first person i ever delt with the st with.iv always
needed more control over my emotions im so caring
& loving til im pushed to far,which it hardly ever goes that far. silent
treatment tho has dominated me in tha past.i had to google.
im glad i did it will change my life wit this person.
i believe. thank you again. love is a powerful
thing,emotion.st makes u feel power less im here
to gain some knowledge& control over it. i got a
music album out.so this is a secret chapter of my
life.cdbaby.com hip-hop rb rap nashville.
Permalink156
Thank you very much for this article. I’m dealing with the silent treatment from my mother and it has become very saddening and has been making me feel immensley guilty. This article was very helpful and allowed me to separate myself from these emotions and analyze what was really happening.
Permalink157
All these comments have helped a lot. Im dealing with the silent treatment with someone that i love very much. Someone made a comment saying that they made it worse by trying to get them to talk to them. I don’t know what to do, and I also made it worse by texting him a hundred times telling him how I feel and to stop this silent treatment. It is a control method and every time i say any little thing that bothers me he will threaten me to ignore or say I will not continue this convo. Well the relatioship has ended and im very sad. I feel like it’s also my fault because I texted as if im some obssesed person but I just wanted to make a point that this whole ignoring thing needs to stop and kept telling him how I feel. Due to texting too many times he has ended the relationship. I dont know how to make it better. I cant just see him or call him. Everything is through texting and Im very frustrated.
Permalink158
Good post. I’m also on the end of an ST at the moment. Silly argument on Saturday and she said Sunday not to talk to her. Monday she said she’s reconsidering the relationship and today she wants to meet on Thursday but not at my house. It sucks. I’ve asked to talk to her a few times, I’m struggling to concentrate sometimes at work and can’t stop thinking about it.
Today I feel more like I can cope with it and I’ll just wait and see. If she wants to continue the relationship on Thursday then I will ask her for an apology. If she doesn’t break up with me she has definitely been hanging it over my head like a threat. It hurts because it’s like she doesn’t care how tortured I feel – like it’s meaningless. There’s no sympathy or compassion from her.
If she does break up with me I’ll take it gracefully and not grovel like I have been doing for the past few days. I don’t deserve to be treated like this.
Permalink159
Wow. Amazing how we all feel the same hurt 🙁 I can identify and empathize with every single person in this comment thread. Stay strong!
I want to thank Steven (#147) for sharing his story, because it gives me great insight into what could be going on with my boyfriend of 3.5 years. After the latest ST (which was relatively short at about 1 day, but even so, it’s not the first time and I am really REALLY sick of it!), I have been seriously comtemplating breaking up with him over these emotional torture sessions. But after reading about Steven’s experience, I am thinking that my boyfriend may be just the same! I have a feeling that there was some mistreatment/abuse during his childhood, not that he’s ever told me anything like this. He keeps everything locked up inside, tighter than a drum. I’ve just heard things about his father, mostly negative things, nothing specific but it seems that his father is a man with a lot of children who harbor resentment towards him.
Anyway, my boyfriend also lost his mother to cancer at age 6, which I know he took very very hard (as anyone would). He had an aunt who stepped in to help raise him, and he lost her maybe 15 years ago, and that obviously hurt him as well. Everything is just bottled up within him though. I seriously doubt he ever took time to grieve for himself and express that grief.
I know that he just cannot handle expressing anger, or any negative emotion, really. He routinely denies them, especially his anger. He tells me (after the silence is broken – and yes always after I’ve harassed him to death and had an emotional breakdown) that he doesn’t like to argue, doesn’t like to fight. Well OK, I say, nobody really does, but you still have to discuss things when one or the other is hurt, angry, or whatever…Nope! He’ll go into silent mode….and it kills me 🙁
This last time I really didn’t have any idea what upset him. And he wouldn’t tell me either!! I had noticed him getting a little icy in the evening while I was watching TV, then he just picks up his laptop and goes into the bedroom…so I thought hmmmm, I won’t read too much into this, maybe he just doesn’t want to see the show I’m watching…however later when I came to bed, I saw he had his back toward me, facing the wall, and he was about as far to the edge of the bed that he could get without falling off. Hmmmm, I thought, seems that I’m getting the cold shoulder now, wth?? Sure enough! As long as I was facing his direction, he kept his nose to the wall; only when I shifted the other way would he turn my way, and anytime I turned over and faced him again, he immediately turned his back on me. Lovely!!
OK, next day we’re both at work. I texted him first thing in the morning “I’d like to know why I’m getting the cold shoulder.” No reply, but I know he read it because the text app tells me when messages are read. Again I text “I really don’t know what i did wrong, so please explain it.” He reads it, many minutes go by, then he answers “well if i have to explain it, then just drop it and call it just me being me.” WTF – this ANGERS me! So I write back “so you’re telling me that you treating me like dirt is just you being you, is that correct?” He writes back “see this is what you do, you fuck up and then play the victim” — PLAY THE VICTIM, well how d’you like that one??? So I responded “you say I fucked up, so tell me exactly how, because i really don’t know” but all he can say is “just drop it, just drop it.” Am I feeling defeated? Yeah just a touch! So I just wouldn’t leave him alone, even though I KNOW by now that it just makes things worse, but I honestly can’t help myself! At one point I texted him “I feel angry and frustrated” and he replied “those are just emotions, you’ll get over them.” Wow. So this is his point of view…and I’m the loser of the game no matter what.
Later at home, he acted as if I was invisible. He interacted normally — and seemingly happily — with our 2 year old daughter and his older daughter (who babysits for us), but did not speak, make eye contact, or acknowledge my presence at all. I tried to be brave at first, because I sensed that it might be over soon, but then the emotions just hit me. I went into the bedroom to do a chore and just silently wept. It hurts so fucking much (sorry for the profanity, but this ST stuff is more profane IMO). Finally he broke the ST by coming to tell me that dinner was ready. I exist again!
So I’m back in his good graces now, but like I said I have been seriously thinking about ending this…if it weren’t for our child i’m sure it would’ve been over long ago, but these two just adore each other, and I love this man truly, and don’t want to break up our family 🙁 When the times are good, they’re fantastic, we laugh, we cooperate (he cooks, I clean, etc), we tease each other, we flirt wildly with each other, we make love as often as we can (with a 2 year old, you know how it is), we get along with each other’s families…but man, when we are on the outs, forget it! He treats me like a leper and I don’t feel like I’m being heard, or respected, or loved at all! I just feel like a discarded loser 🙁
However I have more hope for us now…from what Steven said. I think there’s a chance I can break through with him, as long as i understand it from his point of view, and why he chooses to employ this method (wretched as it is). Deep down he is not a bad guy (he’s actually one of the good ones, believe it or not) even though his ST’s feel so malicious and cruel to me. I also agree with other people that the trick is to not get sucked into the game, because once you’re sucked into the game, you are guaranteed to lose. I know it won’t be easy, but I intend not to get sucked into it next time!!! And when we’re on good terms I will gently — gently! — attempt to get him to open up a little. Maybe if i can get him to open up and realize that doing so doesn’t mean that he’s weak and that he can trust me enough to be vulnerable…just maybe we can beat the ST monster for good!
I wish you all the best, and good luck in all your situations.
Permalink160
I have been on the receiving end of ST for the past 5 days. The matter that caused it was so minor but it hit a nerve from a previous relationship. What he is doing to me is cruel and torturous. He is punishing me for the sins of his ex. I have done everything that I can to get him to communicate so at this point I am done. What I don’t understand is why he didn’t just break up with me? I even sent him an e-mail telling him that if he needs time to think and make a decision, that’s fine, but to just let me know. Likewise, if he’s cutting me out of his life then he needs to let me know that too.
He never warned me that the ST was coming. I knew he was upset about something I had said, but this is such an excessive overreaction I never, ever saw it coming. It was interesting though, because after the first full day of me not communicating to him he sent me a short text message that simply said my name. I really don’t know what he wants but I do know that I don’t deserve this mistreatment. I guess at this point I need to assume it’s over since he won’t talk to me? I will not be communicating with him until he initiates.
Permalink161
After 7 years, my fiance gave me the silent treatment for the first time. It started on Saturday when I went to his house to see him. He was very quiet. We were supposed to go out and after about an hour he changed into more casual clothes. I asked if we were still going. He said he didn’t want to go anymore. I asked if he wanted to get something to eat. He said no, he’s not hungry. I asked what was wrong. He said “nothing”. I told him I was going to leave because I hand’t eaten all day (figured we would grab something when we went out like we normally do). After he didn’t respond I got very angry and stormed off saying I don’t need this shit. I called on the way home to try to find out what the hell his problem was and he wouldn’t answer the phone. Left him a message saying how rude he was and how he didn’t respect me or my time by letting me come out there to be ignored (he lives 1/2 hour away). He finally texted me after I texted him asking if the past 7 years were a waste of our time. He texted back saying he didn’t know. Didn’t hear from him until Monday around 9 pm. He said it was because I got a dog. He said he likes the dog so I don’t know what the problem is. Saw him for the first time last night and for the life of me still can’t figure out why he was mad to begin with. We started fighting again and I called him my ex-husband’s name on accident. I don’t know why it came out except that he was making me feel the way I used to feel when I was married to my ex. Anxious, stomach tied up in knots, trying to figure out what caused this blow-up in the first place. Before this, we barely argued and he was the opposite of what my ex was. I apologized saying I don’t know why I did that and said that I was sorry, it was wrong. I told him I will not be in a relationship with someone who will not talk things through. I won’t tolerate being given the silent treatment. I don’t deserve it. I am glad that he showed me this side of him before we got married- and I told him that. I don’t think there is anything that can fix this now. Things are different. I don’t feel as comfortable anymore – almost feel like I really don’t know him. Don’t know what to do. I feel so sad for all of us. We suffer because our loved ones can’t see they need counseling (or something) and they are hurting the people that love them.
Permalink162
he accused me of cheating on him. he didn’t wait for an explanation. now he is giving me the silent treatment. this has happened in the past. im tired&drained&stressed. we have a long distance relationship. i know that adds more to the kind of person he is. when i feel like i can end therelationship he comes back. what do i do
Permalink163
Grace,
I am assuming that you’d like to marry this man someday. You obviously love him which is why you’ve taken him back before. He needs to understand the hurt it causes you when he doesn’t talk to you. One of the most damaging things in a relationship is to feel unimportant to the other person. If he doesn’t acknowledge the hurt he’s caused and has no plans to change his behavior then he will probably do it again. My fiance has stopped his silent treatment, I don’t feel quite the same anymore. He acknowledges the hurt he caused me and admits that talking it through is best but I have not heard him say that he will not do it again. I still don’t know what will happen because I don’t know what I want to do. The future of our relationship is not only up to him – I have a voice too. Maybe Grace the answer lies with what you eventually want to do. You say that when you feel you can end the relationship, he comes back. When you feel you can end the relationship is it because you WANT to end the relationship or is it because you are prepared to ACCEPT that HE may not want a relationship with you anymore? Whatever it is, there is no right answer and you have a choice to do whatever it is that YOU want to do. You may not know what you want to do right now but you will know eventually. If you choose to move on and make yourself available to find someone who will not use the silent treatment, you may be sorrowful for the good times you’ve had. It is more important to consider the way he makes you feel about yourself when you are with him. Is it worth the pain of the silent treatment and the false accusations? Only you know the answer. Good luck Grace. I know you will make the right decision for you.
Permalink164
I have been married for over 20 years and have recieved the silent treatment many many times. The sad thing is I feed if his mood. I get depressed feeling. I never know when or what is going to cause these silent treatments. Then the next day everything goes back to normal like nothing ever happened. My teenage boys even brought it to his attention how he gives me the ST. I try not to let it affect me , but it does. He has apologized over and over and swears it wont happen again, but it does. He has never been abusive towards me, but the St treatment drives me crazy. I never know what kind of mood he is going to be in. He can be in a great mood and an hour later won’t speak to me. Sometimes I find out later it had nothing to do with me, but he won’t tell me that at the time. Please help, how do i handle this without making it worse.
Permalink165
I have been married for 1 year and going out prior to that for 7 years (on and off). The first bout of ST occurred 3 months into our relationship but at that point and for years afterwards I thought it was me. Even if it was me, ST is never the answer, it is physically and mentally disabling. The problem is that unless you have experienced it first hand you don’t know how upset and frustrated it can make you feel. My husband does not recognize his ST as being abusive (because he has never experienced it him, or so he says). His ST can last for 1 day to 10 days. Sometimes I am more in control of it than at other times but it often really angers me. It annoys me as I would not tolerate any form of abuse from anyone else but I have to put up with it from him. It makes me so angry that it causes me to basically verbally abuse him if only to get a reaction. This in turn makes him then feel justified for giving me the ST and he will then give it as the reason (when we start talking again) that he gave me the ST in the first place! I do think that my like would be happier not dealing with this but when he is not giving it things are fine.
When I see that Margie has being dealing with it for 20 years it makes me sad. It is also worrying that her sons are also recognizing it and that it may affect them with their future relationships
Permalink166
Tell the person who gives you the st ,this is what they do to pow’s, people in jail and in insitiutions who do wrong.IT’s real name is solatary confinement were nobody talks to you,ihave lived it Tell them if they don’t get help and if it don’t stop it’s OVER and move on, a relationship is OPEN comunication in goodtimes and bad times.Move on and let them give the st to the wall.GOD BLESS
Permalink167
I wrote on here a few months back when I was receiving the biggest dose of ST I had had to date. 10 weeks of completely ignoring me. We had been together a few years, and I adored him. However, in that time, there’d been one 3 week dose, and one 6 week dose, with lots of a few days here and there in between. With the 10 week dose I felt all the same pain of rejection and anger and total frustration. But this time I ended our relationship. It’s now been 3 months. He’s tried to reconcile, but I knew I couldn’t do it anymore even though I wanted all the good parts of him again so badly. And strangely enough, I’m finding this to be the easiest break-up ever. No more silent treatment!! No more walking around on eggshells! I’m free! In fact, I am almost laughing at his inability to control me anymore! There is life after the ST, people. And it’s good.
Permalink168
It is so wonderful to have found this website and people talking about ST the way I understand it. I’ve been going out with this guy for several months now, and when we’re together, things seem to be so good and when we’re not together, he won’t even answer my calls and replies my text messages when and if he feels like it. I was thinking there was something wrong with me, but it is the first time I am dealing with such a personality in a person. I have never, in my life, dealt with anyone with such a ruthless attitude before. I was so confused because my relationship has been, so far, been cordial and friendly. People showed respect and even during arguments, they continue to reply to my calls and text because that is what normal people do. Not this guy. I feel worthless with him. I don’t feel like I am worth a single second for him and that is the reason why he doesn’t bother to reply. I am often frustrated, unhappy. Now that I read all the things you guys are sharing, I know to leave is the best option. I want to be liberated from this frustration. I want to be liberated from him and his manipulative ways. Let him eat his ST himself. Hope he enjoys it.
Permalink169
Louise, I hope things get better for you. To be honest, for the first 15 or so years I never thought of ST as abuse. I always thought abuse as physical. I thought of emotional abuse as being cruel as in screaming, cursing, and name calling, etc. I’m not making excuses for him, but other than the ST, he is a wonderful man. He has always worked two jobs, so I didn’t have to work so many hours, he helps around the house with laundry, dishes, etc. He does so much for me and our kids and even my mother that’s a widow, and helped with my dad before he passed away. I am one of these women that said i could never understand how someone could stay in an abusive relationship. Imagine my surprise when I found out ST is abusive and I’m living with it. Most of the time things are good, but its getting harder and harder for me to handle the ST. I’m not sure why, but it seems like its getting worse over the years, and more frequent. My boys still live at home and are 18 and 21 and yes it bothers them. He doesn’t give them the ST, just me, but they have told him it boupsets them when he does this to me. He apologizes, says he won’t do it again, but eventually it happens. It now just seems like I’m always waiting and wandering when. After 22 years of marriage, I hate to leave. I do love him with all my heart. But i don’t know how much more i can handle. Maybe counseling? I think I should at least suggest it. Maybe that would help.
Permalink170
The most recent situation that I’ve had with the ST is that I expressed some feelings of being unhappy about a few things. He has always said I should not bottle stuff up, I should just say it. So I did. I didn’t yell, I wasn’t accusatory, I just shared an example of things going on and expressed why the situation made me unhappy. After I share what I’m thinking/feeling I’m stand there, waiting for a response, and he says nothing. He just looks at me. I finally just left the room. I thought He’d come in the other room and talk to me after he’s had some time to think, but he never did. The next day, nothing. So I haven’t said anything either. I don’t know if he’s waiting for me to say something, and thinks I’m giving him the silent treatment, or if really it’s him giving it to me. This has happened before, and if I don’t say anything to him, he won’t speak to me either. Days and days go by. Unless it is basic communication about the kids, I hear nothing from him. It’s like I just have to get over whatever it is, and he’s just waiting me out. It’s really stupid, but I feel like it is always me that has to ‘get over it’ and I know if I start talking to him again, he’ll act like everything is fine, but we never will end up addressing the issue that I brought up in the first place that started the situation. We’ve been married 16 years, and I’m so over this continual rollercoaster. Any suggestions?
Permalink171
I can relate to every story on here! I am in the midst if a ST right now and we havent done this in years. Like SD stated, I too verbalized displeasure with my guy, and yes I was angry and I slammed the door. I didnt belittle him, accuse him if anything either I just let him know I was angry about us not spending time as a family and how hurt I was about him leaving me out when he had the chance to incorporate me with him hanging out w/ our daughter. Well, he got angry back and told me I was senseless for feeling this way b/c he was trying to be considerate of me and let me have alone time instead. He ended up leaving and he did take our daughter out for a bit then came back later… He was interacting with the kids but not speaking to me. He eventually went in the basement and started playing video games. I put the girls to bed and I texted him to ask if he minded coming up cause I really wanted to talk… he began telling me how he did not want to talk and how senseless I was to get angry and that he was not catering to my feelings that nite. (He never does btw). I texted him back and said I understood he thought i needed time alone but that I couldnt appreciate it b/c he was doing the exact opposite and that I wanted more time together. (Mind u, we hardly ever leave the house as a family to go anywhere and he wks full time and goes to school we just had a convi about time together 3 days prior). The only reason I was home was b/c i took the day off and he did to. So, im telling him I want to squash all the mess and he ccontinues to go on about how I hv issues and everyone always has to understand me and he could care less about my feelings. I textsaid i was trying to convey that my needs werent being met but i want to fix it together, like we had just talked about Saturday and he told me i didnt appreciate the things he did do and no one could meet my needs…. we texted for an hour cause he said he cldnt stand to be in the same room with me. I actually remained calm even though he was ridiculing my feelings left and right. I told him he was pushing me away and he said I did all the pushing myself and that i could go put my “feelings and desires” wherever I wanted to put them… so im takin this as u dont care about me and dont want to b with me (he has broke up with me numerous times in past and I always take him back). So I just started shutting dwn… I mean I was already hurt and I felt like salt was thrown on my wound. This was Tuesday and nothing has been spoken to eachother since. I dont feel like I deserve all this cause I got angry… i didnt throw nothing, call him a name, scream etc… I just verbalized my hurt and displeasure and slammed the door ( that wasnt an exit i kept talking). I attempted to clear the air but he didnt want to talk it thru. Now, he does not come home until way later than normal, he was gone all day on his other off day and he sleeps on the couch. I am starting to dislike him because I dont deserve this and I tried to talk the dame day this occurred and he wants to let it linger whichhe knows i hate i think its why he’s doin this)… im acting like it doesnt bother me and im continuing with my daily activities. Ivwish i could jus tell him to get out but we r renting this house together and i cant afford it alone and theres 6months left on the lease that we both r on. Ive been with him over 5 years our daughter is 3 1/2 and hes been around my oldest saught since she was that age. He has avlot of really good traits but, i want to be married and im not going through this in a marriage. He may hv spoken all yhat carelessness out of hatred but it still hurts and there has been love LOST. We deserve better people!
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The ST is wretched and incredibly debilitating to the person on the receiving end. Been with my husband now for close to 9 years, married for 2.5. He’s extremely sensitive and he gets easily upset by things that I do or say that really seem petty to me. I constantly feel like I am walking on eggshells – never know when, or what, will trigger his next upset. He cannot seem to grasp that we’re not always going to be in agreement, and his way is not always the right way.
In the first few years of dating, the ST would occur a few times each year, but in shorter durations – 1, 2, 3 weeks. As the years progressed, the duration became longer, but fewer in frequency. The longest we’ve gone without a ST is one year. However, our current ST episode is now 3.5 months and counting! I’m at my wits end. I don’t know how much longer I can endure this before walking out altogether which seems inevitable. I have a hard time accepting that this is a form of abuse, that it’s a method of control b/c it’s quiet and non-physical. Unfortunately for him (us), I’m equally as stubborn. When he gives me the ST, I give it right back, and the cycle is hard to break – totally dysfunctional. I just refuse to be a pushover.
As much as we’ve tried to work out this issue (we both recognize that it is a major problem), nothing has improved. Lately, during ST episodes, I have been re-focusing energy on myself, trying to stay busy and out of the house to avoid engulfing myself in depression. Exercising, socializing with friends, visiting family, taking classes, anything to keep my mind away seems to be an effective temporary relief – until I arrive home to the reality that I am once again invisible.
It makes me very sad thinking about all the time and energy I’ve invested into this relationship and even worse, the anguish of contemplating divorce. The red flags were there before the wedding, but I chose to ignore them b/c things are alright when we’re not going thru a ST. He is a loving and hard working man, no passion, but certainly, has many wonderful qualities. I still want to believe in love and happiness. I don’t want to look back in life regretting all the lost time that can’t be gained back, especially considering that it’s all small stuff.
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T, you sound like me but im not married. Have you all tried counseling and what usually ends your ST episodes? Im seeing red flags and really have been periodically for a while. This is why Im pretty sure I will hv to let go. I know what u mean b/c when things are good, its a great relationship, but when conflict strikes, I feel unappreciated and disrespected for trying to voice anything he deems “illegitamate”. We hv children involved also and that makes it worse. Im stubborn now to, b/c I also give the ST right back. I used to cave in first all the time and I believe thats why he disregards my feelings now. No MORE tho! Im preparing myself for him to walk away. Like I keep saying, we dont deserve this and this has to be conveyed to our mates. They will definitely miss their water if their Well runs dry!
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I am the husband who after 19 yrs of marriage and being together for over 24 years have been hurt enough times from my wifes lack of respect and accountability and not being able to take responsibility for her actions, has given the ST to her on a number of times over the years. I find myself lost, depressed and totally unimportant to my wife over the years that doesn’t matter what i do, nothing helps. I am that GREAT husband, I do it all. The kids, the in laws the housework the job, give, give , give. My wife just takes , takes, takes. Gives nothing in return to help out. But she is willing to give to herself and friends. After talking about the issues, and the Giant elephant in the room, all I get is , ” thats your problem ” ” you need to deal with it “. She doesn’t offer any help, only defensiveness and exuses, and blames me for bringing it up. After trying without success to deal with the issues, I basically step out and close down and give the ST to her. And of course I am the BAD person !! She doesn’t want to fix the issues or work on the problems that she brings to the table. I have to deal with them on my own. After while its depressing to me and frustrating. And I am lost in a world of, what do I do. So I step out and just shut down, knowing that doesn’t matter what I do, I will be the bad person. To me i’m not being selfish or abusive, just lost without any help from my wife who constantly doesnt acknoweledge what she does time after time. Yes we have been to counseling, 4 times now. Same result, wife you need to do better at understanding husbands feelings and desires, and husband you need to deal with wifes short comings. Thats all find and dandy, if wife does that, but… So with no help from wife I feel just shutting down is the best for me, not to be around her or have her hurting me. But all she does is get back even more, she ignores me, then no cooking, then no laundry and then she goes out with her friends even more, just to make her point to me, that u cant get to me, cuase wife will show you…I’m floating down the river, head bopping up and down and all wife does is stand on the shore line..waving at me, not helping in any way,..its all my problem. What to do….
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i am the recipient of chronic ST and truthfully i am tired of it. as of today, i will be leaving him alone, after few words of apology i sent via text this morning. it is a cruel thing to do to someone who truly loves and cares.
i will give it a few days and then perhaps i myself know, am i willing to go on with this? but of course it isnt my way to simply walk away, it is his. so i dont have a choice.
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Hi All just had to say to all those under the abuse of ST; becareful plse if u are a recipient of it then run. It’s not worth being tortured day in day out. I stated a marriage but struggled to accept it or make excuses for it. Until one day his silence broke and he mercilessly beat me without any prior warning. So plse remember we can’t the other person but we have to protect ourselves – people who use ST are a waking time bomb waiting to explode!!!!
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Happy to see i am not the only one feeling so horrible these past couple of months. I met someone who i cannot understand and fell head over heals in love with, I really thought i found my match this time. I am in my 30s and was not looking for any relationship and here he was Long story short it became a long distance relationship where our feelings grew very strong every day he texted me and called me every single waking day like clock work. We had met at a job then he had to go away, he finally decided to pick up and leave to come move in with me had all his luggage came from a long he had to get.Next day he was gone we did not even sleep together he said he needed god ok i get it. He refuses now to talk to me after every single day of telling me he loved me not right away but these emotions grew. I felt weak at my knees feelings i never felt with my an old boyfriend i had. He is 2 years clean from drugs and alcohol which is something new to walk into for me but i cared so much about him that it was a risk i was willing to take. Now i text inspiring messages, he is where he needs to be to find himself and said he does not want a relationship right now. whats killing me is my heart has the biggest hole in it and hes the only one who could fill that. he keeps saying hes not ready to talk to me,all we do is text.
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My wife is giving me silent treatment for more than 2 weeks now. I have had to live away from her and our first child for about 4 years only visiting them over weekends as her place of work and mine were 3 hours apart. Fortunately we both settled down in one place after almost 6 years of marriage. But now again the prospect of her working from another place came up and I really shudder the thought of having to live away from my wife and children again. Out of frustration, I said I can’t live away from my children again and I am prepared for divorce and that I too have rights over my children and that she can live away from me as she always get to have the children. Now she is using my words against me and saying that I only care for children and not her. How did I ever say that? All I wanted is to live with my family in one place. Now she won’t talk with me and will only connect me with my son. I ring her she won’t lift. I give a long gap of several hours and call her still she won’t lift my call. Later sometime she rings when my son is around and gives the receiver to him to talk to me and I end up being in a meeting. It so happened that I was not able to even talk with my children for days in between. What should I do now? I just pray for a little forgiveness and mercy. Even God is merciful, my wife isn’t.
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My husband is also a wonderful guy when not giving me and my daughters the st. I think that all his wonderfulness is just a part of the process, it lets him be the marter. It gives him the feeling of superiority over the rest of us. “Look at all the wonderful things I do!” He does not come out and say that, but when Mr. Wonderful decides that the rest of us are disrepecting him and not doing what he says, he feels justified in treating us this way. Saturday was my Birthday, he didn’t do a thing for me, not even a handmade card. He rarely came out of the bedroom. I was so depressed I gave myself a fever and have been crying.
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Hey, MerGirl, I thought that I was doing bad until I read your story. Wow, you are in a really tough relationship. I think you need to sit him down and have a serious conversation. You can’t keep living like that, worrying every day about his mood and wondering if you have upset him somehow… He says that he does not want to fight, so he stays quiet. But giving you the silent treatment is also in a way fighting. It is like saying ‘I don’t like what you are doing’ without words. Just, without words it is impossible to solve it, so both of you have to live with the tension and negative feelings until HE decides to talk about it. So… it is better to talk things through immediately. If he would communicate with you, many of the things that upset him could be often solved in 2 minutes, instead of walking around with the bad thoughts and feelings for several days… What a horrible way to live.
I really feel for all of you!!! I have also experienced a relationship like that. Only, my friend at times gives ST and the other times just speaks about everything that her mind finds ‘wrong’, and most of the things are the result of her imagination. Sooo… after having her wake me up at 3 am just to discuss something she found offensive for no particular reason, and then me trying to explain the situation to her again and again and again and again and again and again and again… (for 20 times, no joking) until 7 am without any progress or success in showing her that no offence was involved when I said this or that… I really have started often to prefer silent treatment – it is way easier to ignore it. You just do your things, keep studying, keep working… or what ever. But if the person just decides ho hold on to ‘what-ever she imagines’ and keeps talking about it day and night, even after you have apologised for 10 times and promised never to do it again and explained to her 20 times what you meant when you said or did what you said or did…. Well… ST in these instances is way more preferable than ‘communication’. Bring it on. Sometimes, after having some peaceful time to think she calms down on her own and all this ‘important communication’ in the middle of the night is not necessary at all.
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Thank you everyone here. I haven’t stopped crying for three weeks. I fell out with my 35 year old long distance relationship in March this year. He texted me four weeks ago and I bravely and so proudly held off for two weeks before answering. We were back in touch and my heart open again. I love him so so much, he is my soulmate, but now he is giving me the silent treatment just because I flipped out about not knowing when I would hear from him. He is now working 16-27 hour days – truly – as a farming contractor. It’s like he’s replacing something in his life. Me I told him. He says he loves me, heaps of kisses on the text, calls me Sweetie, Babe, etc. Tells me how hot I am and we had planned to meet up, but this is a promise for over a year. He is so busy he can’t get away. Wake up you’ll all be thinking, but he just can’t seem to get away yet he wants to, I really do feel he wants to. The times we’ve met up, he has to be somewhere that afternoon. After all that time apart? Are you kidding me? I texted him three days ago to ask why he’s not checking in on me as I’m inconsolable – like really flipping out in tears, I’m balling. I got “I will text you when I can xx”. I said I hate looking at my phone all the time like an OCD. He said he will email me then, don’t know when, saves you looking at your phone. So now I’ve complained, no texts, no calls, no email until he gets a day off or work gets rained off. Ahhh but then, he’ll need to sleep. Like the other week, he had a day off and slept all day. He’s not a sleeper – he’s such a hard worker, hed be working on his farm so I told him so. We were doing so well, he really was trying to communicate better and I told him off. If I shut my mouth, we’d still be in touch. I have begged him to text me and he won’t respond. Today is 11.11.11, so I texted him at 11:11 to say I love him and no response. The twist to this is he could be out of cellphone range in the mountains where he’s tractoring. There’s always a viable excuse, or are they just excuse after excuse. I will give him the benefit of the doubt, but I want this pain and crying to stop. I was fine four weeks ago. Last Friday I had a blackout feeling for no reason, I was happy. I got it again at dinner and everytime I talked, I got an internal falling feeling. I went to the Doc the next day and she said I have Anxiety and Depression. What? I have read lots on this, but I do not think so. I feel I have been emotionally and mentally abused by this man causing these symptoms. I am usually very strong, but this has rocked my boat. I have not had the black out feelings since, so it was just one day and have heard since that there is a virus where people have blacked out and called and ambulance. I was going to. It’s known in hospitals. I’m going by that, but it woke me up to my emotional state all the same and maybe therapy may help me if I fess up. See, I can’t tell anyone about this guy either. I don’t want to be talked out of it. I promised him and he promised me we would never leave eachother and we get on so famously when we meet and talk. I’m so confused and upset.
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Since I wrote last week, I stayed in my own space and gardened all day. On 11.11.11 at 11.11am I sent him a text telling him he is my one true love, my soulmate. I did not get a response at all. On the 12th at 8.40pm, I texted him a photo of an olive branch (extend an olive branch) saying I hope you are ok, can we make up before Tues as I have a Doc appointment. I always try and fix a dispute and never angry more than 10 minutes. I am the peacemaker, but this good spiritedness is being slammed in my face over and over. At 9pm he texted me saying “I’m not ignoring you, just very tired and short fused x” At least I got a kiss. Short fused at me I wonder? His long hours and frustrations at work will no doubt be causing him stress, I accept that. I’ve since owned that I’ve nagged bit and I know this is his way of letting the dust settle, but it’s making me worse. I’ve poured my heart out to him and he ignores me. Who does that? If I was suicidal and did it, would he just keep working? Probably. Don’t worry I’m not and anyone thinking that way, you are worth so much more, you will find love and happiness again. As Donald Trump says “when you feel like giving up, keep going”. And that is when you break through. This guy IS ignoring me, yet says he’s not – not responding to such a beautiful occasion and text on 11.11.11????? He could have done the same at 11pm, but no. I really thought he would too, so that killed me. I even apologised from my end (damn). Why am I apologising. I told him to “hang in there and I realise he must be dealing with his own stuff and never to be afraid to talk to me about anything. I am always here for you. I am worried about you and for you.” What more can I say. No further response. I texted yesterday to say good morning and that “I need to know if I am going to hear from each day.” No response. Yesterday afternoon I texted again saying “Please, you must tell me when or if I will hear from you again. I must know why you are treating me like this with silence. You ARE ignoring me for whatever reason. Everyday is getting much worse for me and I will never be able to forgive you for what you are putting me through this week. I don’t deserve this from anyone. Ive apologised. You must be going through your own stuff, but don’t take it out on me I can’t go on with this or without you.” He texted at 10pm last night to say he’d just got home from work, having a shower and bed, work again 5am. That’s his life – 18 hours a day for another week, then 10 hour days. He has had a couple of days off since being back in touch four weeks ago and he didn’t text then either – he said he slept all day. Maybe, but he’s a businessman, he doesn’t laze about and sleep. Wouldn’t you want to be snuggled in bed texting or calling your long distance partner???? then snooze off? Even after the shower last night, text a bit, kisses goodnight. Nah. Today I’m very vulnerable, but no tears yet. I’m going to respond anymore. I will text back and be polite if it’s worth replying to, but that’s it from me. I know where I’ve gone wrong, but to not be forgiven or talk about it for eight days – get stuffed.
This site is so helpful and I wish all of you so much love and respect. Keep being yourself and don’t give up. Do not change yourself and eventually you will find where you truly belong. This is telling us all where we do not belong. It is so damn hard to let go. I met this guy when I was 12 years old – he’s my soulmate, I adore him, even through this. So how could he do this to me? I do feel I’m a victim. Look at all the energy and time we are wasting on people who hurt us so badly. I’ve lost half my day – I’m off out gardening!
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i’m the one giving my husband silent treatment ,i’m in my room 2 days already,i’m very hurt when we disagree he swears at me and calls me degrading names ,then i just go away from him,i’m very hurt and afraid to let him think he can just call me these names and then act like everything is ok ,it’s not.
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What a wonderful site.
I too am in the middle of this right now and struggling to not do the whole texting, phoning, trying to fix it, make it right.
I’m nearly 9 weeks pregnant and I’ve been with my partner for 6 months. He is married but they are not together although is constantly “around” but knows nothing about me. We both wanted this baby, he says he’s never loved anyone like the way he does me but 2 weeks ago I was bleeding and he just froze me out. I had to go to the scan on my own as he couldn’t bear the thought if the baby had died (he’s been talking about a baby since we met).
That put huge amount of pressure on us both but he completely shut me out accusing me of trying to fight with him etc. We managed to get over that one but he had a big wedding last weekend which I wasn’t invited to but his wife was. Although my understanding is they didn’t go together. I managed to cope over the weekend but on Wednesday I finally got completely pissed off when I hadn’t really heard from him. So I finally told him so. A HUGE fight ensued – my hormones, his temper and feeling like I was attacking him led to be dumped, told he his going to america (dashing all my plans for this year, but that he’ll be back for the scan on the 19th) never wants to speak to me again, but anytime I do phone he does answer but it quickly descends into him being massively defensive.
EVERY piece of advice I am getting is to leave him be, let him stew and he’ll come back. But I just cannot do it – even now as I’m doing this I want to pick up my phone and call him/text him or email to try and break through to a chink of hope. But I know I’m being pathetic. He is not responding to any texts of mine at all.
HOW long do I have to play it cool for? He leaves for America on Thursday but I’ll be heartbroken if I don’t see him before he goes and then that will in turn leave me in doubt about whether he will come back for the scan. It sound ridiculous but I’ve not sent a text since 12 – and taken his number out of my phone to try and resist the urge.
Its not only me I have to think about, obviously the baby too – I feel so alone and just wish he would throw me a bone so I can get on with my day – but if I ask that it makes so needy and pathetic.
Any help would be massively appreciated x
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Hi Ang&Bump. Firstly congratulations. Some very helpful advice I have learned over the year years and is used in psychology (and even to keep a cat from straying) is – it takes 21 days to form or break a habit, whether it be good or bad, even in weight loss and exercise. As for the cat, keep them indoors in their new home for 21 days and they will remember where home is – they have formed a habit. You will too. Be strong dear girl, that’s all you can do. You are too precious to be treated like this and so am I. My 34 years of “lovership” I think has come to an end and I feel dead. He’s now texting once or twice a day due to being busy and then confuses me with a good night text and kiss. What? I am lapping up these little scraps. Where’s my dignity?!!! But on Friday he blew me completely out of the water. I had the day out shopping and walked around like a zombie. I wanted to crawl into a corner. He told me on Friday he no longer has a need for sex, but a friendship is good. Who does – sex is something two people in love share. It’s not something you decide on. This is the world’s biggest sex maniac and deviant! and the one I’ve been accusing of using me for sex. Trust your instincts always – I am right about everything, but won’t admit it to myself until I’m feeling strong. There is some satisfaction in being right all along. I did feel used for sex sometimes, but it was because after the act, I wouldn’t hear from him for hours or a day or two. Did it actually happen at all? I even got paranoid, thinking he had people watching or recording us when we went al fresco. You don’t think that in love. And sorry about this, but even phone sex. No contact for 24 hours and I did all the pxting – funny that. He kept blaming his phone. Five phones later, a new iPhone now and he can’t figure it out. Yeah right. I brought it up over and over and now he’s pulled the pin when we were going to meet in person for the biggest most passionate sex affair on the planet. Everyone has fantasies, we wanted to play them out. I wanted to be ravaged by him, whether used or not, I love him. It’s so devastating, I’m balling daily and didn’t sleep at all last night. I was drafting a text to him in the lounge at 4am before I forgot what I wanted to say. I have no come back on this. He has made this decision for us, no discussion, no reason why, no empathy, he never asks how I am after crying so much so I sent a photo of me in a hell of a state on Saturday – never wanted him to see me like that, but why not – look what you’ve done. He says at his age, he’s decided he doesn’t need it in his life anymore and “it’s a destructive force” he said. His communication is a destructive force I said, not sex. He’s the destructive force. Lack of communication after sex was the distructive force. Don’t we all want to hear how great it was or feel special. Weeks down the track he then tells me how sexy I am and gets all hot. Oh yeahhhhhhhhh, you want sex again. Bingo. Time and time again. I gave him examples of what I expect, I ask him to inform me when he’s got visitors so I don’t text like an obsessed fool ruining his engagement. Open, honest communication is the key to any good relationship. It stops others guessing. And empathy! This psychopath/narcissist doesn’t have any. And I’m calling my soulmate these names in my head??? I have to let go, but I’m so distraught. I’ve been to a Doctor who said I have depression and anxiety and I didn’t, I even went to a Psychologist. She didn’t believe I have, but now I am sure I have got anxiety. My heart is thumping and I collapse in tears. I had peri-menopausal symptoms last week I’m sure, but now I’ve got anxiety to the max like I’m a Codependent. Do look that up too folks – it’s me down to a T and I’m admitting it, except I do have self worth, I don’t shun compliments, I can continue on some days and I love helping people, but know my limits. I’ve been in bed all morning crying instead of up looking for a job. He’s consumed me. He’s out working day after day. Mother for dinner last night, but no time for me. I asked him if I will hear from him last night. No response so I texted at midnight “I waited patiently, nite xx” He text this morning “what for”. No apology when I explained lovingly I was waiting for a goodnight kiss. I can’t live like this, it’s killing me. I was fine til he came back after six months breatk, but I can’t do it again, the time is too long and painful without him. Now I can’t let go again and it’s worse, the hold is so much worse, because I can’t bear to think we will never kiss, touch, make love every again – he’s in control, that’s why. Someone is holding something you want so bad. I can’t bear it, this treatment to a lover is hideous. I’ve asked him to call me today and that I can’t meet in weeks for coffee in public, I need to see him now or talk now. I begged him to make love next time we meet or just hold eachother. He’s not opposed to holding, but he said if sex is involved he’s not interested. Like reverse psychology. No response. Ah just got one. It says “working”. No empathy. How does he operate. I just replied this and I’m feeling strong, but for how long: “You always are, but have time four others. This isn’t love, this ia abuse (name). You clearly don’t care if I die. F…. work when your best friend and lover is so dangerously upset over the way you are treating me. I agreed to stay in touch if you communicate and treat me better. You’re not and I’ve been so loving and patient and apologised til I gag.” Ang, don’t give ultermatums unless you stand by them 100%, but do say how you want to be treated and set boundaries for yourself. How do you expect to be treated? See that and if this guy can’t give you that, but can make love to you – he’s so wrong for you and baby. Take care of you and baby Ang and see a therapist if you have to – it’s so worth it. Maybe some guys get girls pregnant so it keeps you off the market. It’s a male thing, they sew their oats. Woman are classed as s…s. I’m going back to my therapist even though I feel I can’t tell anyone about my secret 34 year love affair. This breaks my heart, but I’m not crying since that text. I’m not responding today or tomorrow. I need to care for me now and get strong. See how I’ve called myself Doormat on this blog? It’s going in the bin.
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I have been sitting in silence for 8 hours 15 minutes 45 seconds.
Normally my role in my partnership is the peacemaker, however my peace of mind has been temporarily misplaced with bittersweet anguish.
My boyfriend pushed the little red button with a skeleton on it as a form of retaliation, this has led to my bittersweet silence.
He has pleaded for my words as if it was his dying wish, I however remain a mute.
My heart, soul and mind are on fire from his friendly fire leaving me lost for words.
I wish to scream in retaliation, shoot venom in his wishing direction but this seems to easy for his readily extraction from the situation.
How long do I go before I speak to him again, I wish I knew. I wish I knew why the sword was thrown in the first place, drawing the first blood draining me from my mortal existence of vocal liberties.
I do not wish for him to accommodate me,kiss my ass or seek higher standing as the alpha partner.
I am in no way subsidizing the situation for anything more than his retarded empathy.
As a bias partaker in this cataclysmic situation both entities are guilty of negligence , both are commoners to the ignorance of self affliction of personal gain of power.
As he sits next to me in confusing sadness, his expressions are highjacked by his own insecurities of knowing his wrongs, this brings me joy.
Good luck to all I am off to bed.
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prev post #147 thanks Wendy, Mergirl and bob #159 ,#180.
yea i dont know what to say… during the ‘good times’ we have talked about these confusing ST episodes. i tried explaining that what starts the ST for me is that she makes me feel powerless and belittled, she seems to understand that. but it feels like she thinks thats like a 2/10 in terms of a reason to get upset. but for me its like a 10/10 for a reason to get upset.
i tried to explain it again but i think i am ‘abnormal’ , a normal person would think that its a 2/10 reason to get upset right??. so i didnt go to much further, because it feels like she wont be able to comprehend what i am saying/feeling.
i dont know why i rate it so high 10/10 i like to be in control i guess..the alpha partner. i think alot about life and why i may be giving the ST..
all i can come up with is mum always tried to make dad feel powerless and dad always yelled back and won (at the cost of mums dignity).
i hated mum for doing that to dad.
i hated dad for doing that to mum.
so now when a woman does this to me i wont take it, but i wont yell back i will rather give the ST. anyway this seems like a waste of time.
to mergirl i can really relate to your post especially the part about him picking up his laptop going off to bed and facing away from you at night. because i have done this to. im not sure if u worked out why he was upset but when i did that it was because i came home after working flat out and doing all this paperwork for the both of us to save a few bucks together, and all i was craving was her attention and she was more interested in TV lol. that sound so stupid.
i dont think normal people would get so upset about that. i cant seem to process why i get so angry over such small things and i also dont understand how normal people would process there anger would they yell, switch the telly off and force there attention?? i dont know please explain. it feels like she should know better (she should be able to read my mind lol).
anyway considering all the posts i know that i have got a problem and i try to be much nicer nowadays but it feels like she is taking advantage of that, although rare she does like to point out that shes the ‘boss’ which p*sses me off but i have learnt to keep my mouth shut and bottle it up.
i want to be normal i want to understand why my reactions are so destructive and painful i want to understand how normal people react when confronted with the same situations. i am thinking of seeing a counsellor in the new year.
any replies appreciated.
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Almost two months ago, I was a wreck, trying to comprehend how some people could put others in a state where they are stripped of their pride, of their self worth, of everything. I am happy to say that I am doing better, the sadness is subsiding and letting go of the person who is giving me the silent treatment.
I read through the things people go through, and I realise that as much as we feel it is wrong to be treated so maliciously, many of us refuse to take the rein in our own lives and chart for something better. It may not be leaving the person who is giving you and I the ST, but perhaps more into finding our own activities, our own hobbies, enjoying our days with our friends instead of waiting for our ST partner to come home and explain to us why he or she is being so mean.
I stopped thinking of reasons why he is doing it to me. I know what he is doing is very cruel, and I am sure he knows what he is doing is cruel and manipulative. Since I am not married to him yet, and at this rate, I don’t think I want to marry him and be subjected to such a treatment for the rest of my life – I decided it is good, even a blessing, to see this side of him before I made my choice.
Life is too short to allow people like these to trample on you. I used to think I did something to deserve the bad treatment, but now, at 40 years old, I think this thinking needs to be deleted. No one deserves to be treated badly.
I now believe that women in general should never opt for less than a guy who treats them with respect and dignity, loves them and are good role model for her future children. I think the same should go for men. Too often, we opt for something less because we believe the ‘bird has already left’ but in actual fact, there are so many good men and women around. We can’t find them, or they are too shy to approach us because we’re stuck with someone.
I wish everyone suffering from ST would just tell their partner that it is enough as calmly as possible. It is scary to think of forging your life own your own, but I think of it in another way — I am tired living everyday wondering if I am treading on firm or soft ground, whether I’d get a reply any time soon or never. I am alone now, but I am happy. I used to watch my hp for every text messages, but day by day, I am no longer addicted to my handphone.
I finally have my life back.
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thank you so much. i have been looking on so many websites feeling so confused! most sites say ‘u should just break up’ but like, no! maybe if it was short-term. i keep blaming myself, even though i didn’t even do anything. i definitely didn’t do anything to deserve to be ignored for this long. it’s so strange. i refuse to beg, and text, and call. i sent 1 e-mail with no response, and that is all i am going to do. your website made me feel a lot better, and that i am actually doing the right thing here, so thank u
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Hi
God reading this there are so many people having to put up with this abuse. And when it happens to you it feels like you’re the only one.
My bf and I have been together for 3 1/2 years the first ST came about 3 months in when he said something to really upset me mad I pulled him up on it he didn’t speak to me for a couple of days. The longest has been a month. I’ve tried telling him it’s abuse he just laughs at me. I get it when I stand up to him or dont like the way he’s treated me and dare to tell him. It’s always me who has to get the ST to end my texting him until he decides to speak to me, then he blames me for shouting at him or I hurt his feelings?
I’m now getting the silent treatment . Day 3 because I dared say I wasn’t getting any support from him because he never came to the hospital with me when our baby died LAST WEEK four scans and 2 trips to A&e and he never offered, when I had to have the last scan to check the baby had died and he knew that was what it was for he got up and went to work and mumbled ‘good luck today,!!
I freaked at him especially when I found put he was texting his ex the whole time laughing and joking with her. I’ve got a missed miscarriage and am now waiting to miscarry our baby and getting the silent treatment as he says I don’t trust him and he’s angry he’s been caught texting his ex.
So I’m left to miscarry our baby on my own at my flat by myself. I’m not welcome at his he said. So if anybody doubts that ST isn’t abuse or about control it is. It’s about people for whatever reason think it’s ok to treat a loved one like it. It’s not ok. It’s very very wrong.
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Reading everyone’s comments has certainly been comforting that i am not the only person dealing with the ST issue. I am married to a man who loves to use this tactic in any situation where he feels threatened by me. When we met and before we married he had never done this. Unfortunately he comes from a very dysfunctional family and as he gets older so much of the baggage from his past has begun to appear or get worse. His version of the silent treatment is to become completely cold and emotionless (not that he usually has any emotions to show) he will say good morning or hello or tell me if he is leaving the house. So in his eyes its not the silent treatment. I use to do everything I could to get him to talk… NO MORE. Its a waste of my energy and plays into his manipulative games. I would like to leave him but financially its not a good time…so I wait. My suggestion to all of you who are dealing with this in a boyfriend or girlfriend is to listen to your heart and see the warning signs. You are dealing with an adult not a child and often these behaviors only get worse with time. Get out before its too late and find another emotionally available partner. Good luck.
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Wondering what is the difference between “stonewalling” vs the silent treatment?
My husband shuts down, walks away or completely ignores me if he even begins to sense that I am talking about any kind of real life issue. Sometimes he will respond with a simple, I forgot or I didn’t know, which is then sufficient and so begins the silent treatment. Dare me not accept those simple unaccountable woe is him answers.
I can’t even tell him the neighbors complained that the trash can is still out on the curb, he walks away. Why he can’t say, ok I’ll bring it in is beyond me. This makes me so angry.
Like Louise above, my behavior completely escalates into verbal abuse – I am then “an abuser.” In fact, he has a all about verbal abuse book in a drawer. By reading these blogs, I realize that I am attempting to inflict pain back on him. Though, I’m not sure he cares.
It is not practical to not be able to deal with a single anything of substance in a our marriage ever.
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Hi- Thank you for sharing your situation and thoughts so honestly. I was inspired by your comment to write a blog entry in response, which you can find here: http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?p=309
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Wow, I finally found a group that is current and up-to-date. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months and I honestly thought we were very close. We talk, text and see each other alot. Well, last weekend one of my girlfriends had a birthday party that I thought would end early it lasted until after 1 a.m. well when I got home he was really upset with me. He said he believe I was out on a date and that I was up to know good and I should have at least been home by midnight if I wasn’t out with him. I explained that I tried calling him when I was out and he didn’t answered my calls or text he never responded to that….Fast forward he was very angry that night well the next day we spoke and he was still kind of sore about the night before, when we did speak we got into another argument and out of the blue he says I am guilty of something, so I flipped it on him and said he must be guilty of something… His words to me were “Ok, DQ you are untrustworthy and trying to lay a guilt trip on him” and he said he would speak to me the next day. Well, I tried calling the next day and this is when I was formally introduced to the ST and I must say this has never happened to me before. I thought he and I could talk about anything but I guess not….We were FB friends he didn’t block me, but he unfriended me. I believe my boyfriend is a Narcissist he carries alot of the signs of this mental disease. I was in an abusive relationship before but the ST is far worse than anything I’ve ever experienced, he won’t answer his phone but I’m seeking answers to what is really going on here. Whenever, I write a text which is no more than once or twice a day he sends back very short answers…..Today, I wrote him this text “Hey Babe, I just wanted to say hello and I also wanted to know are we still an item? and are you a forgiving person? Because if we are no longer an item I won’t bother you anymoreI miss you” His response to me was “I’m a thinking person and I would like to say I enjoy having sex w/you. But, right now I can’t give you a definite answer. His answer did not make me feel good at all, because I’m wondering all the times that we spent together the only value he could place on me was sex. My response to him was “Ok, I will give you the time you need…But, whatever is going on we need to at least talk about it and give us another try I don’t think what we have is worth throwing away.” His response was “That’s kool dear we’ll talk soon” and that was it nothing else back to the ST. Now, I feel as though I pursuing him and he’s killing me softly with the ST and I don’t like at all. His ST has sent me into burst of tears, depression, wondering what did I do wrong and the answer is NOTHING. I hope this is not a control tactic because it’s not going to work for too much longer. Yes, I care deeply for him, but how much could he care for me to put me through this kind of torture. His answers leave me in limbo when I texted him Tuesday I asked when when can we talk he tells me on Wednesday. I did’nt know if that meant the next day, the next week or the end of the month. Well, it definitely wasn’t Wednesday the next day. I’m unsure if the ST is his way of punishing me for going out this guy is usually very charming, easygoing and was always very attentive to me…So, we shall see what happens. Thanks for allowing me to vent…
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I’ve been married for almost 30 years and I’ve been subjected to the silent treatment since I met him 31 years ago. I was living with my brother when we began dating . If I didn’t answer the phone when he called or was gone when he popped over he would make me feel like I did something wrong. I was so scared of him and I was so emotionally hooked on him I allowed myself to be treated badly and bossed around. I thought that I would die if we broke up. Looking back on all of that now I can see so plainly all the warning signs that I chose to ignore. I was a very insecure all of my life and didn’t date as a teenager and so I didn’t know what I was getting into. I got a cat our 3rd year of marriage and after a year and a half he hated the cat so much that he told me to get rid of it and when I refused he gave me the ST for a whole month until my depression got so bad that I wrote him a note saying I would give up my cat. Five minutes after reading it he came out of the bedroom and asked me if I wanted to go to K-mart like nothing ever happened. Right now I’m going through another one of his punishments, one of many. In the past I curled up in a fetal position on the bed and felt unable to move I was in so much emotional pain. I wanted to die. I was willing myself to die. Our daughter is 16 years old now and she has watched me go through this and she tells me to act like it doesn’t bother me. Don’t give him the satistaction and the power. She is emotionally stronger than I am and is wise for her years. Sometimes I feel as if our roles are reversed and I am the child. For her sake I’m trying to be strong and there for her. She has been telling me that I should get a divorce and just me and her live together and live without stress and have freedom. He is retired and we are only paying taxes and insurance on our house. If we left I would have to pay rent. When he is not doing this to me everything is okay. He constantly asks me if I love him and how much. He says he will never leave us and we mean more to him than anything. So why does he do this. After 25 years he allowed us to try a cat again. So we got a kitten in June and now there are problems again. He makes the cat stay in the basement alone and he won’t let me keep a light on for him so he is in complete darkness. He is not allowed upstairs only in my daughters room or the front porch. I have a feeling that this cat won’t last long either. My daughter loves the cat so much and he loves her. I’m handling this ST better than the past ones and alot has to do with reading all the comments on this web site. Thank you all for your comments. I don’t feel so alone and helpless. Does anyone have advice for me?
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If you ever are given the silent treatment, just leave for it SHOWS how bad communicator the other person is and how they cannot communicate their needs and wants in effective way! People are not perfect, but to forgive such manipulative tool is absolutely ABSURD! Silent treatment is a tool to show that the other person is unguilty when you leave the relationship, but trust me, they are happy when they see you leaving, so rather leave and make them happy rather than keep it in a downward spiral-loop! Power communications are meant to enhance relationships not to destroy each other! Save THEM and YOURSELF the trouble! 🙂
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I am in the 5th day of a ST from my husband. I have been married for 32 years and have been through a lot of these. After reading other posts, I do feel lucky that my longest ST has only been 2 weeks. My husband puts me through this about once a month. Most of the time I have no idea why he is mad. In the past when I have asked he just says “I can’t believe you don’t know” and won’t say anything else. Now I handle it by giving it back. I know it is not the best way but he does not want to change and I think he enjoys getting mad at me. It makes him feel like he has been wronged. He even had me going to a Psychiatrist and getting medicine for Bipolar disorder. My 4 daughters got me alone with them and did what they called an intervention. All 4 said that I needed to stop taking the medicine. It was their father’s problem. That was the first time that I realized that what he is doing is abuse. I felt so stupid for not recognizing it. All my daughters said they would be behind me if I divorced their father. That was the first time I really felt loved. They want what is best for me. My husband only wants what is best for him and enjoys stringing me along. My husband’s ST’s have only made 2 of my daughters very convinced that they do not want to get married ever. They tell me the reason is the way my husband treats me. I worry the other 2 will not know what to look for in boyfriend or husband material. All they have known is their Father.
This website has given me peace in knowing that he is the one with the problem. My staying with my husband has affected my daughters in a lot of ways. I thought we were hiding it from them since he does not do this with them or in front of them. They are all in college now and are not around to help me through this now so it is getting worse for me. As he gets older he is starting to be more aggressive. The love we had has really taken a beating. I still love him but it is not the same. My advice to others is to run, don’t walk, RUN
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I have just been informed that my husband thinks I am mentally ill and should move in with one of my daughters.I would not do that to them. He just does not want to be the bad guy with everyone thinking he started a divorce. His family would be devastated as they like me more than him. Also he does not want to part with any of our money by me getting my own apartment. Stupid me let him handle all of our money. He still has not talked to me (it has now been 9 days). In the past he has tricked me into getting medication for bipolar disorder. As I mentioned above my daughters had an intervention with me and told me to get off the medicine, that it was him who was in the wrong. He is always right according to him and will not see a therapist since he does not need to be fixed. My advice to anyone with this kind of man is to get away from him FAST.
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