Dealing with the Silent Treatment
I like to look at my website statistics, to see how people find this site. The keyword phrases can be pretty interesting- I get many people looking for “Zacatecas ice cream.” Many people are also looking for help with finding love, keeping love, and navigating relationships. While I can’t really offer much help in the department of Mexican ice cream, I can address the topics having to do with the emotional realm.
Recently, someone found me by searching for how to deal with a romantic partner giving them the silent treatment. My first reaction was just to feel the pain of this unknown person somewhere out there in cyberspace. Getting the silent treatment from the person closest to you can be hurtful and frustrating. The silent treatment is a manipulative tool often used by the more passive partner in the relationship, usually as a form of punishment for something that the more assertive partner is supposed to puzzle out. This way, the more passive one takes no risk while their partner squirms and tries to please them, figure out the mystery, pull them out of their shell, grovel, apologize, etc. It is a very hostile maneuver, and a classic in the relationship dynamic I call underwatering/overwatering .
If you are being given the silent treatment, you are being punished for something, but you are not actually being told what that something is and how you can make up for it. The first step is to notice how you are feeling in the moment- do you feel pulled out of yourself, trying to read your partner’s mind? Are you angry? Apologetic? Scared? Notice just how much you feel hooked into trying to work out this puzzle. It is not your job to read your partner’s mind. It is not your job to fix something for someone who isn’t using their words. Give yourself permission to stop trying. Take the focus off of your partner’s puzzle, and bring attention to your own feelings.
Next, you can let your partner know that you care, and can see that something has upset them. Invite them to tell you what has upset them, and let them know that unless they tell you, there is nothing you can do for them- they may not be talking to you, but their ears are working just fine. Then, let it go as best you can. Every time you notice yourself trying to read their mind and “fix” the situation, remind yourself that it is not your job to figure this out, and let yourself off the hook. When you refuse to play games, the games tend to fall apart pretty quickly.
More posts on the Silent Treatment:
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: An Experiment for You
When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option
Ending a Relationship by Using the Silent Treatment
Communicating about Taking Space in a Relationship- An Alternative to the Silent Treatment
Why Do People Give the Silent Treatment?
The Silent Treatment vs The Cooling-Off Period
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment
The Pain of the Silent Treatment and What It May Be Telling You
Not All Silence is the Silent Treatment
237 comments
Permalink101
I meant also to say, that this is such a wonderful site, & is my belief that some finding this to read all the comments, will HELP SAVE SOME MARRIAGES, & our country already has way too many DIVORCES; Try living with a DRUG Addict, or a Bi-Polar person who won’t stay on their med’s, and you would see that the Silent Treatment, even though Bad, is still not as bad as some other HUMAN Problems & issues one may find in the next ,Falling in Love, relationship;
The Silent Treatment Person, can be handled pretty well, if you Fight Fire, with FIRE, yourself and show them it does not bother you as much, and Go do some things for yourself during these Lonely times; So ,You have 2 or three days being like SINGLE, enjoy, but DO NOT Find, or Let an opposite sex find you, as you will then be the PROBLEM.
Just stay away from the Bars; As one lady said, she goes with friends to a Movie, Bowling, Playing Cards, Working Out, Church, etc;
Permalink102
Just wanted to say, I can’t believe the amount of people who have been effected by the ST. Kudos to you out there who have been dealing with the issue for 30 years or more. I have been dealing with it 3 years. I am at the point where I am numb with indifference to the man . I do not understand why some people need to express themselves this way or not express I should say. I used to be scared and all worked up, but I have prayed for strenghth and each time I am stronger than the previous time. I like the advice about pretending you are single when this happens, because, basically that is what it amounts to.It is hard when the person does not communicate, when someone asks something about your husband, and you have to say”sorry we are not speaking at the moment, I will get back with you”. Or if a problem arises when you NEED their help, and they don’t answer your calls. It is very selfish on their part, and inconsiderate of the other persons feelings! I have noticed a pattern and it happens about every 12 weeks. I am starting to keep track, and the longest it has lasted is about 2 weeks. It has never been just one day or a few. No explanation, you are supposedto be a mind reader, and when you ask what is wrong, they do not say anything. Some people may pride themselves on not physically abusing someone, but this is emotional abuse, and one can only take so much of it.I would like to see if anyone out there has had sucess with solving this issue, and how to go about it.
Permalink103
I have dealt with the ST in my previous relationship of 5 years and also now with my current relationship of almost 2 years.
I see it as a form of punishment and do not think it gets anyone anywhere. In my previous relationship everytime i brought up something that was not sunshine and rainbows i was given the ST after for days on end. In that time i would freak out, apologize for creating a problem, constantly call my partner…because in my head i didnt know what they were thinking. All i knew is that i had started a problem, they were angry and i was scared that they might call things off and leave me because of it. This happened every time and after years i learnt just to bite my tongue and not create drama because i didnt want the ST that came along with it. Problems never came to the surface, we never dealt with anything and ultimately it ended.
In my current relationship from the start, i made it clear that i wanted us to communicate better and i didnt want to repeat past mistakes. For a while it went well but now i am sensing dejavu in the fact that everytime a problem arises he gets angry at me for being sad or saying something he doesnt want to hear…goes off in a rage and gives me the ST. I have been so careful not to let the past repeat itself but it seems so unavoidable.
I know what you are saying in…if you ignore it and do not play the game, then it wont happen. There have been times ive just spat back that they are being unresonable and have gone along with my daily life as per usual….and yes, they do get over the ST preety quick and come grovelling back…in which i am expected to just forgive and forget.
I want to change this pattern without having to “pretend im single” to gain their attention back. I want to be able to “talk” things out like adults. when will this ever happen for me and how?
Permalink104
My husband gives the silent treatment when he doesn’t get his way. It can be something as simple as where we are going to eat dinner. We are now entering week 12 — yes, 12 weeks of the silent treatment. His lack of communication skills have destroyed our marraige and also on his career.
Permalink105
My partner of 2 years is giving me the silent treatment all the time when I raise something up. I am afraid, but I cannot just sit home, starring into laptops or watching TV and not have any sort of communication but ‘do you want a tea?’ for example.
I like talking, I want to be dealing with the situations, solve them and move on. But he doesn’t allove me to. I can be talking for about half an hour and have no sound from his end whatsovever. At the moment it has been three longest days and nights, when he doesn’t say anything when I come from work, when I tried and wanted to sorted out I had no response. Asked him why he is giving me silent treatment and with the grimse on his face just said ‘I don’t have anything to tell you/I don’t want to talk to you. I then went to the bedroom to read, be on computer and haven’t seem him until morning when I was leaving for work – he never came to bedroom. Tonight I got home and he went for work earlier, so I didn’t catch him at all. Sent him txt message that his silence is the worst torture he can do on me and I feel I cannot do anymore.
I love him dearly (at least I think so, I am aware that his silent treatments are putting me of and I am felling off the love), want to sort it out, but don’t have a clue how. Tried messages, letters, posted notes, emails, notes on the pillow, but I always find the on the kitchen table with no answer – nothing from him.
I am really in bits, because if I am to be home by myself and not to talk to anyone, I can just be single. I really need som advice.
Thank you.
Permalink106
Anjelik-
You’ve only been in this relationship for two years – it doesn’t sound like you have any children, and you have a job. You need to leave this man. Have you read all the previous postings on this site? HE WILL NOT CHANGE. If anything, it will get worse. Good luck.
Permalink107
I am thankful for this website. I have been dealing with a best friend that on and off through our 15 year friendship has given me the silent treatment. I am dealing with one now and it has been a week. I have been doing some soul searching and wondering why I always try to get her to forgive me for our “miscommunication problems” so she will talk to me. I remember finding an old diary a number of years ago and my alcoholic father had not acknowledged my existence in two months . He was so cruel with the silent treatment. I realize now I am repeating the pattern with her. I am going to really try not to call and beg for her to talk to me, I don”t need friends like that.
Permalink108
Hi…I agree with you. I have had a best friend for 7 years and have dealt with this on and off. We actually were very distant all of 2010 due to silent treatments and miscommunication…I am the communicator, she is not.
We made amends late last year and have been working to put our friendship back on track, vowing to be open and honest. Well last week I attempted this…I felt she wasnt being 100% honest with me about something..I asked her very nicely and with respect and what I got back was defensiveness, agitation and her going overboard…I havnt talked to her since…I tried reaching out a few times, sublely…but nothing back other then very bland one word answers…
I cant continue this as well…I have ALWAYS been the one to reach out and apologize, even if I wasnt my fault..I did it for the sack of the friendship…but how many times do you do that…feed this immature mentality…its no longer worth it to me. She is 42…not in highschool….
Someone help me understand this and know how to deal with it….
Permalink109
I been in a relationship for over 3yrs., my husband is always giving me the ST for almost any reason. Whenever he gets mad or whenever I say something he doesn’t agree with. Its hard to deal with specially when you’re the one who has to apologize for something that’s not your fault.
Permalink110
My husband has no other way to deal with anger than giving the silent treatment. It is how he was raised, things were not discussed, they were forgotten. I would love to pretend it doesn’t bother me so it will go away quicker, but I can’t, not when we have 3 small kids together. I am forced to deal with it and bring him out of it quicker than he would like because we need to communicate for our kids’ sake. This means exhausting work for me, like dealing with a teenager. Groveling, really being overly empathetic so he will talk and then it can be over. It is ridiculous. I have spent 10 years trying to change this one thing about him, I’ve tried being gentle, giving him “cool-down” time, giving him strategies when he’s calm and happy. Nothing has worked. I would advise anyone to make sure you have good communication before getting married, I think it is probably the most important thing to have in a marriage. It may even come before love.
Permalink111
My sweetheart of 3 years uses the silent treatment to deal with our proboems as opposed to talk about them. He is so rude and goes out of his way to avoid me. He travels with work and uses that as an excuse to not call when he is out of town. Then he returns home and sits and acts like I do not exist. It hurts me so much bc I am so in love with him. I do not know how to break down the barrier other than to grovel and give him the time to act like he loves me again. I am hurting badly. Advice?
Permalink112
Hi all, this is the first time I have commented on a blog/web page but felt compelled to, since I too know those “silent treatments” so very well! I met my husband when I was only 15 y/o but he was always very charming and never gave me these ST while dating over 4 1/2 hrs. We married and then they slowly begun and yes with 3 children tried to keep the peace although many times it was difficult, to say the least. After my children were raised and moving out to start their lives I realized how deeply depressed I had become when he would get in these STs since there were no longer the noises of the kids and I started to just ignore him too but also with the technology I started to find myself venting online in chat rooms and missing another to talk to for weeks on end. Many times I have had opportunities to be unfaithful (but never did) offline now with men I could talk with, since my own husband won’t. I met a great guy online and have been talking to for over 6 years about so much. I know this is not the answer but for me it makes me feel good, needed, cared for, and we can talk for hours. My plan now is to met this man in the summer, since we live states apart, and more than likely leave my ST husband to himself then he will have all the time he needs for “quiet time” and I will hopefully never meet another with such a negative trait. In a sense I feel he pushed me in another man’s arms. After 30 hrs of this it gets old and yes the person who posted conjugation is probably more important than love since it happened to me and I truly loved my husband, always faithful, great provider, spoiled me with a beautiful house, new furnit
Permalink113
Oops it posted before I was done, lol. Anyway I think you all I understand my post,. Wish you all the best and no “STs!
Permalink114
I felt like giving my two cents on this matter, the ST is a passive aggressive way of not dealing with the issues at hand, at the moment my wife ( of 6 months) is doing that to me, its not the first time, but I’m sick and tired of it, and I’m decided on fighting fire with fire, meaning I will not apollogize this time, as I have no more guilt than she does in the problem, it’s just that its always me who has to take the first step, she is completely incapable of making the first step herself.
Its only been 1½ days, and usually it doesn’t take very long, but in the past that’s thanks to me, but if I don’t say enough is enough, it will just happen again and again.
Last time we had a problem, I went online to find some advice on how to communicate with ones spouse, I found some good sites, read them all, and even suggested to my wife that she read them as well, maybe it would help us to better cope with these problems, but I know she never did read them, and that makes me sad.
I really do love her, and she loves me, she is just not good at dealing with problems, I think it from her childhood, she learned to just keep problems bottled up, though she always promises she will change, I’m starting to question her resolve.
Permalink115
Yes know exactly how you are feeling Michael. I too was always the initiator in having to bring him out of his STs until I was to exhausted to have to always do all the work when it came to the communicator. I felt he was just as married as myself and that being two adults we could TALk and not be so childish in doing this to me constantly until I started looking for someone I could talk with, laugh with, etc although I have never been unfaithful I am still talking to the same guy online, phone, when my husband refuses to talk to me. I guess I got burned out with his STs and him never saying sorry since it was supposedly me?? A good marriage I feel is one that wants to make you happy, laugh with, and never stop comminicating since that is so important in our daily lives and brings you closer to each other so what are the STs doing exactly? To me it slowly destroyed my love for him and the respect I once held for him for so long and made me feel so confused as to why? Curious as to what he gets out of watching me feel so miserible
Permalink116
Its wonderful to read about other people like me who are enduring passive aggression. I think in my case, I was attracted to my husband because he was the strong, silent and decisive type like my dad. I think often the flip side to all those qualities is passive aggression. My dad was passive aggressive too. Although he was a great dad and I adored him and his intelligence. I guess being married to such a passive aggressive person is not as much fun.
My husband is supportive, openminded and liberal. But much like everyone else here he deals with anger with ST. Lately the reasons for his anger seem to be almost nothing. It could be so silly sometimes that I feel sorry for him as I refuse to feel guilty for it. But, I do hate the ST times. Its a rollercoaster ride and what annoys me is that passive aggressive people control a relationship with their behavior.
Its been 8 years now. Initially I used to yell, scream and get all crazy. Over time I have become composed and calm during these moods of his. I let him be and pretend he does not exist. But i do ask myself, is this worth it? I really dont need anybody. I am happy alone most of the times anyway. He gets like this, once in two months or so..
I am wondering about my breaking point, which is soon to arrive.
I know he will never break it off with me as he has no guts to do that. It will have to be me. I just worry for my child…I am due with my first child in October.
I dont think Passive Aggressive ever change. Its a choice between endurance and cutting off ties.
Permalink117
It helps to know I’m not alone. I’ve been so depressed and tired for weeks and feel like crying all the time. My man barely spoke to me for 2 weeks and now is talking but just barely. Still withholding but in a less obvious way. He’ll talk but not say anything. I don’t bother trying to open him up for the most part but when I do try to talk to him he is either silent or says “what?” like I’m imagining things. I know he’s insecure and feels vulnerable but I feel resentful because he’s hurting me. Yesterday I suggested we take the dogs for a walk together and he didn’t say 2 words to me the whole time even though I tried to start conversations several times. I’m always supposed to guess what he’s mad about but I’m so tired of guessing. Its not fair! What about my feelings? Why is it always about him? I’m needy and vulnerable and I don’t know how to move ahead, especially since I feel so physically and emotionally weak. Thanks for listening; sometimes I feel invisible.
Permalink118
Penny – I feel your pain. My BF and I got in a minor argument last Saturday and I have not heard a word from him since. Eight days. We do not live together and he travels for work so it’s very easy for him to avoid me. I suspect (know) he has abandonment issues and he avoids conflict at all costs. I am not even sure what the argument was about – I went out with some friends but apparently he had plans he hadn’t told ms about. He was clearly mad when I got back. That made me mad. He tried to talk to me and I’ll admit I was sulking. By the time we got into the argument we’d both been mad for an hour or so. He asked me what was wrong and I told him. He heard something completely different than what I was saying. I was asking for reassurance and all I got was anger. He basically shut the door on me so I left. I called him when I got home that night. He didn’t answer and I didn’t leave a message. I texted him to apologize the next morning. I got no response. That was a week ago.
We went from everything to nothing in the space of a few hours and it’s torn me apart. The ST is the worst form of torture. I’d rather the shouting and blaming (he’s never done that) but at least I’d be getting something.
I don’t know what to do. This has happened before but I don’t think he’ll contact me this time. If we are done I wish he would just say so and then at least I’ll know where I stand.
Permalink119
Hi…I understand completely…my best friend and I had a very minor disagreement almost a month ago..I tried unsuccessfully to get her to talk about it and get over it so we can just be friends again…other then a scathing vm 2 weeks ago, I have heard nothing and I have not called her…Im tired as well..this happens over and over with her…
Funny thing..I got a blank text message from her last Friday..not sure if it was an accident or if she was fishing for a reponse…I didnt bite. Passive aggressive move on her part and I wont engage in it any longer…
Permalink120
Wow, it’s great to know of such a site, my husband of 10 years is a PA and gives me the silent treatment, it causes a very lonely place for me. I struggle to keep everything together for my children whilst he sits back at sneers at me. I have had endless talks with him and he refuses to admit any problem on his side. He blames me for everything and it is so soul destroying, giving and getting nowhere. He’s like a leech sucking the life out of me. I’m at my wits end x
Permalink121
Just wanted to comment on the silent treatment topic. My husband is not giving me the silent treatment going on three days. I usually get this whenever I bring up something that is bothering me and we get into an argument about it. Instead of realizing his wrong, he stops speaking to me for days. When I speak to him, he completley ignores me. The strange thing is that not only does he ignore me, but he shutsdown to others too. Friends, family, etc.. We have been married for almost 2 years now and honestly I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him because I can’t express how I really feel without him reverting back to silence. He turns his phone off and doesn’t sleep with me at night. I’m happy to hear that I’m not the only one going through this. Sometimes I feel like I was happier being single and dating. Marriage isn’t all that it is cracked up to be. It kind of sucks actually.
Permalink122
Yes marriage is very difficult when your married to someone with STs definitely! I can relate to almost every post on here about the STs and then us being the initiator to break the silence and then over the most childish reasons to set them off. We also not only get the other to finally SEE us as well as HEAR us but also take the blame for it being our fault? I am still confused on that one, take the blame for the ST hum. I must admit I still love my husband very much and stated earlier was thinking of meeting another man online whom is totally different, so it seems, than my husband but being married for so many yrs still hesitant. I have never cheated on him and know once I do there is no going back and it won’t resolve the issue but bring more complexities to our marriage. Guess what I am saying is I have to give it my all i,e, marriage therapy, counseling, and know in my heart I did my best and if he won’t than if I walk I can leave knowing I gave it all because I truly do love him but I don’t and won’t live like this in these immature STs. Did someone say it comes from the way they are raised? His father is not this way with my mother-in-law. I have talked to my father-in-law and being my husband was an only child he seems to think he is just stubborn just like when my husband lived at home he stated, so not sure but it truly is a negative trait that I would hope my daughters will never inherit nor experience!! Or is this more common in men? So many questions I would like to know as well as answers to resolve these episodes. Good luck to all the other relationships that have to go through these games too.
Permalink123
Yes, all you can do is try your best, I love my husband and believe in marriage but living with ST is not the answer. You look at happy marriages and know that you do not have that and it makes you resent everyone else’s happiness, it can cause bitterness I think. I do believe it is the way they are brought up but as I have said to my husband, we have a son and I don’t want this pattern repeated by him. It is not the way to treat people, it really is a very negative trait and causes alot of unhappiness.
Permalink124
Am i supposed to know how to cope with this? I feel like vomiting several times a day. I can’t keep any food or drink down, so i don’t bother eating or drinking. My boyfriend has given me silent treatment for 3 days now. I can’t just suddenly go about my daily life acting normal. I don’t get why you’d fake being happy. If you feel like crying, then damn well cry. If you can’t get out of bed, don’t. Faking it for whose benefit? Nobody is telling us how to feel better though. It’s damaged me to the point i can’t keep any food or drink down. Where is the advice, before i die of starvation?
Permalink125
Sarah-
I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. If you read the original post here, you will see that I said nothing about faking happiness.
Here is a direct quote: “If you are being given the silent treatment, you are being punished for something, but you are not actually being told what that something is and how you can make up for it. The first step is to notice how you are feeling in the moment- do you feel pulled out of yourself, trying to read your partner’s mind? Are you angry? Apologetic? Scared? Notice just how much you feel hooked into trying to work out this puzzle. It is not your job to read your partner’s mind. It is not your job to fix something for someone who isn’t using their words. Give yourself permission to stop trying. Take the focus off of your partner’s puzzle, and bring attention to your own feelings.”
I have mentioned in other posts what I will say now. Sometimes bringing attention to your own feelings can be extremely painful. If it feels like too much, you need to seek help from someone. This is a very good reason to seek therapy- a therapist can very much help you to deal with this pain and become more able to rely upon yourself to figure out what you need to do to become less affected by the silent treatment.
I have written a new blog entry inspired by your comment: http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?p=247
Permalink127
Wow…I am so relieved to know that others feel like me. When I read some of these posts, I felt like I had written them myself. It is a horrible feeling when someone gives you the silent treatment. My husband has been doing it for 27 yrs. I’ve finally had enough. I don’t think I’ve ever fully understood why he does it, but I see now how much of a control thing it is for him. I put all my focus on him, and I am always the “fixer”. I think I finally realize that I cannot change him, and every time I think I’ve fixed it, it only gets broke again. I see now that I can’t fix it by myself. I believe that my husband loves me, but I always thought his silent treatments meant otherwise. I see now that he does this, because he can’t control his own anger and feelings. He likes to take the silent treatment even further by doing things he knows I don’t like. He’ll take extra money out of our savings, he’ll buy dumb things, he’ll say mean things, but the worse is the silence. I’ve come to a crossroads now on staying or leaving.
Permalink128
My situation is not a romantic one, but a professional one with a colleague I met a few years ago at a business conference. A complicating factor is that she is 800 miles away. When I first met her in 2007, we just chatted briefly and that was it, for a couple of years. Last year at the conference (April 2010), however, we had an opportunity to talk at lunch and it was great. We found out we had a lot in common both personally and professionally. At the end of the conference she asked me if I would consider collaborating with her on some project that we could present at a future conference. By this time I was really liking her (I’m a guy, by the way) and so I said yes right away. When I got back home I sent her an email reiterating that I thought it was a great idea to work together. No response. For a long time I couldn’t stop thinking about her but I never heard from her until out of the blue 9 months later she contacted me and asked me to work with her on a presentation at this year’s conference. I was a bit skeptical at first but I still liked her so I agreed. Besides, I thought it would be a good thing for my career to say that I collaborated with someone outside my own institution. It was great again; we Skyped, emailed, phoned and got the presentation together, even though we are 800 miles apart. We communicated really well. But shortly after our presentation at the conference (beginning of April 2011), I sensed a change in her, like she was giving me the cold shoulder. I saw her at the airport going home (we flew the same airline) and asked her if there was a problem between us. She said no, not at all, that if there was she would tell me. I thought we parted on very good terms. So when I got back to work I contacted her with a few ideas about furthering our collaboration and continuing the work. I have received very little response, mostly brief emails that said she would get back to me soon, but it’s been over 2 weeks and I’ve not heard anything from her at all. This time it really hurts, because now that we’ve done some work together there’s a lot more at stake for me professionally and yes, emotionally. I’m even thinking that if this doesn’t get resolved I would feel humiliated showing my face at the next conference, because people there who saw our presentation would know that we were saying we would continue our collaboration. It would be even more humiliating if she were to find others to continue the work and shut me out. I’m not sure what to make of this, but I’m afraid my affection for her has blinded me to an emerging pattern of silence. Sorry this is so long, but I haven’t been able to share this with anyone until now. Thank you.
Permalink129
I wish I had found this website 4 years ago when I first met my current boyfriend. I don’t live with him, but he gives me the silent treatment for weeks, once it was 3 weeks…no contact. I’ll message him or call him and he won’t answer. I sit here wondering all the time is it over? Will he even tell me or just dissapear? Or…has something happened to him, is he still alive. It sends me into depression, second guessing myself and agonising over what I did. I have become so conditioned to it, that I just accept it and wait for him to contact me, we meet up and continue on as nothing happened until the next ST.
For the weeks that he doesnt contact me, I send myself insane, I don’t eat, sleep, etc. It is punishment of the worst kind.
I have been doing a lot of research on not just silent treatment, but people who blow up over the smallest things, use ST to manipulate others, don’t ever apologise, make the other person feel like it is all their fault, never admit fault, and make others feel like they are going crazy….most partners who act like this fit into the profile of a sociopath, borderline personality or narcissist. The silent treatment is just a symptom of a much bigger personality problem.
I am thinking of leaving my boyfriend and trying to break this destructive cycle of walking on eggshells. I just hope I have the strength to do it.
Permalink130
OK. I am currently dealing w/ST. i found it particularly interesting that the silent treatment does infact hurt you physically, and it makes alot of sense. I do not have a huge issue but i seriously feel i need another mind to come in and coax me away, or assure and direct me somewhere. ADVICE please? My “man” as you’d say is a cusp. leo-virgo man, and i am a virgo woman. Apparently i did something to upset my baby and i stayed up all night…. staring at the wall feeling hopeless helpless ensecure worthless, and the list goes on. I even felt that i should just let him alone for good, wich is a common thing i tend to do, and i realize that. i PUSH people out. But to be honest, i knew from the beginning i wasnt good enough for him, i never felt good enough for him. Even looking at him makes me feel sick, and worthless like i should die in a whole or go crawl back to my sad pathetic world and stay out of sight of his undeniable beauty. He tried to reassure me that i am good enough, but he knows not how bad it makes me feel. i hate to annoy him and suffocate him with this. Leo’s love their fantasy, and i myself love it too. But he loves his fantasy, romance and just beautiful woman. But who doesnt? i love girls too, im bi. ..but seeing all these beautiful ladies surroounding him only makes me sink further into it and i feel worse. And i hate being the jealous girl always bitching about his friends…but ive never done so i dont think…i keep it..and it builds up. . Ocasionally i confuse my daily feelings with the ST reactions and i cant tell what it is. because i generally feel like i have, some form of depression? maybe not, maybe i over exxagurate. (sorry dyslexia) i have not been diagnosed. but i can tell in my habits and the time span of these….feelings its not just a regular upset one. sorry. back to the ST, today i sent a message saying im sorry, bla bla bla i hope you have a good week and i love you. i want to give him space…and i felt bad for sending the message i didnt know if he needed to hear the im sorry, if he just needed to be out of all contact of me. period? its unfortunate that this is too pathetic for words, maybe its just paranoia and just a big FAT reaction from a hormonal physco bitch. However, if that is not the case. i would definetly appreaciate some guiadance, advice and maybe just a bit of feedback, please. email me? (destineeever@yahoo.com) thanks.
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This is mental torture. How do you find the strength to walk away from someone you love so much, but chooses to treat you with no respect? We are not even in a ‘relationship’ so he gets the added pleasure of tormenting me by chatting up other women on the internet, knowing full well that it is distressing me. My distress gives him pleasure because then he knows he is controlling my emotions. How sick is that? He obviously is not mature enough to be able to have a normal relationship. I can’t make this work with no effort from him. His behaviour demonstrates every day that I am worth nothing to him.
My options are: keep fighting in the hope that we can get back the relationship we had when we first met – when he was kind, respectful, compassionate, sensitive.
Or make a decision that I deserve better than abuse and childish games.
We were so happy when we met; his choice of behaviour has destroyed that.
I love him. I care about him. He is clearly unhappy and I’m trying to help him. If he doesn’t want to help himself, what can I do? I need him to tell me whether he has any interest in continuing our relationship or if it is over between us. Do I not even deserve to know that? Apparently not.
This is the worst nightmare, and the only way out is to tell the person I love that I am leaving him. I don’t want to leave. He doesn’t want me to leave. I will damage him even more than he already is. But the guy won’t speak! We don’t live together, I can only call or text or email. He refuses to respond. Not one reply, yet he spends hours talking to other women (that he doesn’t have any feelings for.) I don’t have the energy to play mum to a naughty child. How long am I supposed to put up with this guessing game? I fought through 10 months of his Silent Treatment last year but I thought we were back on track now. I can’t keep fighting – my spirit is broken.
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Hi everyone,
I was wondering if anyone could give me some suggestions – I’m currently getting the silent treatment from my sister. Despite lots of different efforts on my and my mother’s parts, she will not return any calls or emails to any family members, including our worried 85-year-old grandmother. Recently my mother is having health problems and has been notifying my sister via email, but even email subjects like “surgery” and “biopsy” do not motivate her to respond to our mother.
My mother and I are sad, angry, confused and concerned all simultaneously, and it is really taking a toll, on my husband as well. I am trying to work towards a sense of “positive detachment”, but how do I detach from my only sibling?? Thanks for reading, and I would appreciate any suggestions.
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my guy is very nice to me during normal times, his only short coming is he will sometimes give me silent treatment when he gets upset. he did try to improve for the past two years, without any warning, it happened again. it happened because i said something that hurt his ego. to me that was so trivial, but he is a super egoistic man, so what can i say? he is entitled to his feelings.
he doesn’t do this too frequently, and we are really so in love during good times, which is most of the time. so i had decided to put up with it as best as i can. he tried to understand and accommodate my pms mood swings too. so i am determined not to react by saying i want to break up, which pops into my mind all the time.
how i cope: i tell myself he cannot control himself, just like i cannot control my pms mood swings. i also tell myself his purpose is to cool down so that he can come back. i try not to think that he is not respecting me, although this is how i feel.
yes he is childish to do this, but so far this is his only serious short coming, so i want to accommodate it. i also tell myself he is not himself now, and i am not going to give up the relationship just because of this temporary insanity. he is a lovely man, he has many good points.
of course, there is a limit. if he does this too frequently , i will walk out. but not now. yet.
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Tanya,
I’m so sorry you’re facing that struggle. It must be heartbreaking to watch someone you love change his behavior so much. But if your spirit is broken, you cannot count on someone else to nurse it back to health…only you can do that. I wish you all the best.
-Raspberry
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Tanya
I think you know the answers already, you don’t live with this guy, you don’t have children together. Moving in together is not going to improve things, it will only give him the opportunity to take further advantage of you. You deserve better and you need to be strong and break free xx
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What if your partner doesn’t respond to you getting on with things? My BF almost wants me to cry, break down and beg him to speak to me. If I just ‘get on with my life’ he digs it in, till I eventually break. He checks in by calling me in the mid of an ST episode (and I think the ST may be over) and if act like I’m fine he stretches it out. ONLY when I break does he stop. This happens about twice a year, all other times the communication is fine. It’s torture when it does happen.
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Annie
I know exactly what you mean, you know they are waiting for you to break. I really don’t know how they make it last sooo long, it’s a nightmare, I think my husband would be quite happy to left me do exactly as I please sometimes. I don’t know which way to turn now, just feel like it’s the end because I can’t deal with the lack of empathy, seems like I’m the one that cares about the relationship. My husband will also call out of the blue and I’m sure he’s checking my mood, they want to hear you sounding desperate all the time, I’m sooo pissed off with it now.
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I do hope you realize that sometimes the silent treatment occurs simply because someone is so angry/hurt/etc. with their partner that perhaps (a) there aren’t sufficient words to express that anger/hurt/etc. or (b) it’s simply too dangerous to even speak to that person for fear of what might come out of your mouth. In other words, don’t presume that everyone who gives their partner the silent treatment is “playing games”.
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I would say that not all silence is the silent treatment. What you are describing isn’t what I would categorize as the silent treatment, as much as a reaction to what sounds like an emotionally volatile and threatening partner. My definition of the Silent Treatment has more to do with someone being silent AT their partner in order to punish.
I have written a post called “The Silent Treatment vs The Cooling Off Period” that you may find interesting.
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Thanks for your support Raspberry and Wendy. I was angry that day!
I’m starting to realise that I’ve been approaching this all wrong. I’ve been trying to relate to this man as an adult, but really he’s not emotionally mature. There’s no point being angry with him for acting childish. I’m trying to think of it as dealing with a toddler having a tantrum. When he feels aggrieved, he is not able to verbalise his distress. He wants me to acknowledge his distress, but manipulation (games, silence) is the only tool he has. What I never realised is that he is very insecure, and desperate for attention. Often his silence is a response to him feeling neglected by me. If I don’t acknowledge that he is upset there will be more punishment… He needs a lot of reassurance and the smallest thing, however unintentional, can make him feel vulnerable. This is scary for him, and he will blame me for this feeling and punish me. He is not able to see the consequences of his behaviour from anyone else’s perspective – all he is focused on is his own hurt.
The key is not to reward the bad behaviour with an emotional response, but also not to ignore the person (which will inflame the situation and build up resentment.) It’s very difficult to get the balance right. Elyn’s right, it really is a power struggle. I have learnt not to ask him for anything while he’s in this state. If he knows I want something from him, whether it be a reply, a decision, or a material object, this puts him in a position of control. In his mind he thinks “ha! I’ve got something that she wants! I’ll give to her when I feel like it!” (Anyone NOT do this to their parents?!!)
To Laurie – I have found that grovelling is not really the answer. You might get a result in the short term because it feeds his ego and need for attention. But all it’s really doing is reinforcing his use of the silent treatment to manipulate you. Can you look at it from his point of view and work out what may have happened to make him feel vulnerable in some way? Like you, I blamed myself, but it’s all about HIS insecurity. If you can let him know that you acknowledge what he is feeling and why, that may be a starting point. Just like a sulking child, he is stubborn and will only stop in his own time. It’s hugely frustrating, I know. If he feels that you are trying to control him he won’t respond. I’m sure he likes it when you plead with him to talk to you, but it just gives him an opportunity to reject you. It’s a lot of hard work mentally. :/
I feel a lot less angry now that I know what game I’m playing. These people really haven’t learnt how to communicate in a positive way. Therapy would probably be helpful, if you could persuade them of that without offending them.
Penny’s right, the silent treatment makes you feel invisible. %-/
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I feel like I wrote many posts on this wall. My boyfriend gives me the silent treatment about 2-4 days approximately every 3 months. We have been together three years, so the ST has subsided, but during the first two years, I got the ST every other week! I get so physically sick, I can’t eat or sleep. And recently I have found out some very devastating news about a family member that I haven’t been able to even tell him about. He is supposed to be my rock and the one that I can talk to, a shoulder to cry on, but instead I’m crying on my own shoulder because this is day 3 of the silent treatment. This time wasn’t even my fault, or anything I did either! But the only way to reconcile is to come crying to him with an apology, which I have refused to do at this point. I am sick and tired of apologizing for things I didn’t do, so that my boyfriend of 3 years will stop ignoring me. I’m at the point now where I just don’t care anymore. I took care of him and paid his child support bills for almost two years while he sat at home, and now he has been working for 2 months and has balls to think he can treat me any way he wants, although it sure wasn’t that way for me when I was the only one working! I just know, I’m over it, I’m done, and I am packing my things and leaving. There is someone out there who can treat me better!
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I am getting the silent treatment and it’s killing me.
I have never experienced it before and everything you have mentioned is everything I’m feeling it’s extraordinary.
My situation is exacly as you have said, the person doing it to me is trying to deal with her own anxiety and problems surrounding our relationship, and while I simpathize it doesn’t exacly help me feel any better.
It’s been almost a month now that I have not spoken to her, voice or text or otherwise.
There are other issues which have lead to this situation for which she does not want to speak to me.
My problem is that every day that I don’t speak to her I drift further away from her, and it’s got to a stage that I’m starting to resent her.
I’m afraid that when the day comes that it’s ok to talk again it will be too late for me and I won’t be able to forgve her for the pain she has put me through…
Does this make sense to anyone else?
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You do start to resent them because your life is based around them and they are bleeding you dry of any love or affection. My husband drains the life out of me with his silences and you can’t help hating them for it. I think that each time it happens you step further away, in my opinion, it’s a way of protecting myself and my well being but I think it changes you as a person. I’m starting to feel as cold as him now, not that I want to be but he’s making me feel that way with his coldness.
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I can associate with most of the posts on here. My wife has subjected me to the silent treatment for ten years now. It can last for days, weeks and months. Over the last two years though it has got progressively worse. We could be sitting having a normal conversation and without warning it would turn, I would suddenyl be a useless father, man, husband. The comparisons would start and the complaining that her life was crap etc etc. but this would be my fault and I would be given the ST in return which can last for on average 1-2 weeks. During this time, she won’t sleep in the same bed, won’t communicate at all, won’t pick me up from work. Then, ironically she will complain about having a single life and the relationship not being good enough for her or the kids. The tragic thing is the kids emulate her now and that is the hardest thing of all. The worse thing you can do, i find is react to the ST, which is the most frustrating thing to try and do. Respond to it don’t react. I have ! I have got angry, tried to shout her out of it, shock her out of it, swear, spent days upon days pointing out the effects, but all it days is feed it, give her more amunition to say I’m criticising her all the time or all I do is shout. After 13 weeks of silence and staring at four walls day in day out being told that it’s over and everything is crap I defy anyone not to shout out of sheer frustration. However, it simply gives them amunition and justification for ignoring you in the first place. You are giving them exactly what they want and will sit back and take satisfaction out of watching you lose it and if you do, everything that has been done to you is forgotten about, ignored because what you have said or done is much worse and justification for the ST. I beleive it is the most manipulative form of control I have ever experienced. I agree with the advice that you have to try as best you can not to rise and take the bait. I left her over a year ago and went back shortly afterwards, on promises that it would change and that she “needed” me and it worked for a short time as I was strong enough just not to care, i had made the break and was willing to do the same again. However, this wasn’t fair as I was as closed as she was now. When I opened up again it was like an “in” for her and the ST punishment started again. You can’t ask anything, disagree, you have to effectively take what is being dished out, you react and it’s the ST.
I feel the key is don’t react, carry on as best you can, point it out once and leave it at that. The ST will coninue but the more you simply respond the easier it will be for you to deal with it in your own head. I am now concerned with me, my own feelings now, as it is totally pointless trying to fix someone else that is happy when your broken. Stay focused make plans for being on your own, but don’t fuel their silence by giving them the reaction they are looking for.
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I’v e taken the advice from this site and have decided that giving the silent treatment back (which I was doing thinking it’s what she wants) is not the answer.
I sent an email… no response… no surprise there.
But i’m going to continue to do it, not in a needy way but just in a ‘hey so i did this, things are like this for me etc’ kind of way.
In the email I said that if she wants me to stop she just has to ask, and I’ll see how it goes, so far I feel better about doing it.
And hell if she freaks out on my ass then i’ll deal with that if it happens, i’m not going to sit and feel sorry for myself.
I’ve got to the stage where it’s either this or i need to move on, she means so much to me I’d rather try a new tactic even if it’s only for my own sanity (which is in doubt at the moment as well).
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You are so right Sean, up until a couple of years ago, I used to react, screaming, feeling needy and vulnerable and they do enjoy it. They get you to such a point that you can’t take it and then it just feels like they are laughing at you, enjoying the games that they are playing. I have no sense of direction with my husband, I don’t know his wants or needs, he uses me like convenience and does not provide any emotional security for me. I have now closed down emotionally and I don’t feel the need to react anymore. It’s not the marriage that I wanted but I just have to let it run it’s course for the sake of my children. I don’t know what will come of it anymore, but I do know that I need more than this.
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Its so bad isnt it. i hate myself for doing it (giving the silent treatment) to someone i love. not sure why anyone else does it but ill share why i think i do it.
im giving it to her right now (its day 2).
she is so gud, almost the perfect partner, we have our ups and downs like any relationship. then out of the blue she will just b*tch about some pointless thing i did or DIDNT do, i take it, i take it, then i burst, but only for 30 seconds just enough to make her shut up (consists mainly of a bit of swearing and agreeing with her that i am so stupid). then i get all sad and just want to be left alone, im in a p*ssed off mood by now and the silent treatment has began.
i grew up with my parents fighting all the time (verbal abuse), i hated it so much, i hated my dad so much for it when i was growing up. i saw how hurt my mother would be, it was constant emotional abuse, i promised myself i would be different…
so much for that…
during the ‘happy times’ we love each other so so much. it takes me about 2-4 days to get over the ST and ‘forgive and forget’ . i think ST gets the point across almost conditioning her, or punishing her. that said i feel like ST is a much better option then verbal or physical abuse. im afraid to admit this- but just after the 30 sec burst i am so angry that i feel my arms are shaking with adrenalin, and if i dont shut up the consequences could be much worse then the ST.
now during the happy times we aree so gud together i am very very tolerant and open minded i treat her with the utmost respect, and yea im the one telling her to relax and she loves fooling around with me we play around, laugh about the silliest things, she fulfils me and i her. we are truly happy. just this ST is driving us both crazy!!
during the ST she knows whats happening and gives me a little space say the first day or two, still being nice and that cooking ect. AND what do i do i reject her i dont help her i REJECT her what kind of person am i?? so damn cruel.
i dont mean to be this way, i may have unresolved childhood issues or it may even be hormonal. i dont know. When we make up it takes effort on my part but once we are both comfortable talking again we dismiss the incident as being moody and go on with our lives.
my advise to you ppl, if the relationship is good during the happy times and he treats you well, if he gives you the ST every 2-3 months (4-6 times a year) for say 2-4 days thats 8-24 days a year of the ST (i think) compare that with ur PMS and work out if this guy is really worth it to you. relationships are a two street.
i also shut everyone out friends/family, talk the absolute minimum. well thats basically my story, it took me about 2 hrs writing this (probably 10 mins typing rest thinking) now i feel good so im going to her.
i know this behaviour is not justifiable. but ppl i cant help it. so please dont yell at me or i may give you the ST LOL. but yea any replys much appreciated will try and be bac here soon.
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I am shocked to find that this problem is so widespread. My previous relationship foundered on ST. I was far from perfect in my reaction to it, trying various tactics but always ending up losing my rag at some point, although unless I did lose my rag we never moved on from it, but I used to hate myself for losing control and getting angry! Eventually I stopped losing my rag but only because I’d decided to end it. It was a relationship I’d worked so hard for as well, and spent a long time yearning for even after it was over, but I knew that I could not let myself be drawn back and eventually not only got over it but met someone else. Now I’m married, 10 months in, and I’m getting it again! Into the third day now. Just functional conversation and nothing more. Asked what is the matter, was told that she didn’t want to talk about it. Respect that of course, get on with my life, stay polite and engaged as far as I can, but no pleading, up to her to tell me when she’s good and ready. Just like old times though! Is it me? We haven’t had a falling out, I haven’t forgotten important anything or done anything wrong; sometime Monday evening she got a bit frosty late on; I just thought she was a bit tired so thought nothing of it, but it has been down hill since then… conversation stilted but still on-going at first, then less and less conversation, now just basic civility whereas normally she talks a lot… Thanks for this site though, shows it isn’t me after all 🙂
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Steven, thank you for your input as a giver if the ST. I believe my husbands problems stem from his parents destructive relationship but he won’t let me in to talk about it. Have you spoken to your partner? It must have been a huge step leaving your message and accepting responsibility, I admire you for that. Once someone accepts their problem they can learn to deal with it. My husband continues to blame me, giving no respect, love, honesty etc. He is a hardworking man and good provider but it doesn’t really go past that. After 10 years of marriage, an infidelty has shown it’s face and I can’t help but feel that more have occurred so trust is now gone too. Without any positive attention or communication, I don’t feel there’s a chance for us anymore. He won’t make any decisions, small or big, very laid back and lack of interest in anything I say. I tried to organise a weekend for a special birthday tonight which has ended in ST. That’s me trying to be nice, I give up. Martin, I understand that yearning for the perfect relationship, I’ve also worked extremely hard for 11 years and have not had any return for the efforts I gave and he has the cheek to blame me.
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ST is dificult to deal with if you are on the recieving end, but in my situation I can fully understand the use of it.
On top of that she is the most amazing person I have ever come across and the ST might be the least of my worries when it comes to loving her.
Our relationship is complicated to say the least and I forsee a rough road ahead for me, but I’m hoping that in time I will become trustworthy enough and she will be able to put down her defenses and let me in.
I think the ST shows up when there are other deeper issues, and the one on the recieving end may not be able to resolve these issues, but in my case if I can be there when she needs me and never give up on her, I may become the one.
Relationships are dificult and each one has it’s own set of problems, there is a common thread obviously here and I can’t wait for someone to post a comment on how they sucessfully overcame the ST.
Maybe one day I might be that one, time will tell.
Love and Light
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