Dealing with the Silent Treatment
I like to look at my website statistics, to see how people find this site. The keyword phrases can be pretty interesting- I get many people looking for “Zacatecas ice cream.” Many people are also looking for help with finding love, keeping love, and navigating relationships. While I can’t really offer much help in the department of Mexican ice cream, I can address the topics having to do with the emotional realm.
Recently, someone found me by searching for how to deal with a romantic partner giving them the silent treatment. My first reaction was just to feel the pain of this unknown person somewhere out there in cyberspace. Getting the silent treatment from the person closest to you can be hurtful and frustrating. The silent treatment is a manipulative tool often used by the more passive partner in the relationship, usually as a form of punishment for something that the more assertive partner is supposed to puzzle out. This way, the more passive one takes no risk while their partner squirms and tries to please them, figure out the mystery, pull them out of their shell, grovel, apologize, etc. It is a very hostile maneuver, and a classic in the relationship dynamic I call underwatering/overwatering .
If you are being given the silent treatment, you are being punished for something, but you are not actually being told what that something is and how you can make up for it. The first step is to notice how you are feeling in the moment- do you feel pulled out of yourself, trying to read your partner’s mind? Are you angry? Apologetic? Scared? Notice just how much you feel hooked into trying to work out this puzzle. It is not your job to read your partner’s mind. It is not your job to fix something for someone who isn’t using their words. Give yourself permission to stop trying. Take the focus off of your partner’s puzzle, and bring attention to your own feelings.
Next, you can let your partner know that you care, and can see that something has upset them. Invite them to tell you what has upset them, and let them know that unless they tell you, there is nothing you can do for them- they may not be talking to you, but their ears are working just fine. Then, let it go as best you can. Every time you notice yourself trying to read their mind and “fix” the situation, remind yourself that it is not your job to figure this out, and let yourself off the hook. When you refuse to play games, the games tend to fall apart pretty quickly.
More posts on the Silent Treatment:
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: An Experiment for You
When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option
Ending a Relationship by Using the Silent Treatment
Communicating about Taking Space in a Relationship- An Alternative to the Silent Treatment
Why Do People Give the Silent Treatment?
The Silent Treatment vs The Cooling-Off Period
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment
The Pain of the Silent Treatment and What It May Be Telling You
Not All Silence is the Silent Treatment
237 comments
Permalink51
My boyfriend is giving me the silent treatment for 4 days now and it’s breaking my heart. We’ve been together 5 years and it’s always been like this. I thought he had got better but obviously not. The reason he is not talking to me is becuase I asked him if he had dinner yet. I kid you not. He said it was a stupid question and he wouldn’t answer it. I left the room because I couldn’t be bothered with dealing with that and it’s been practically silent ever since. I have just tried to talk to him about it now. Asked him to turn off the tv so we could talk and he just muted it. He said nothing was wrong with him but there was something wrong with me and he was just letting me stew until I got over whatever was bothering me. All the while still looking at the tv. That really annoyed me so I told him that but then he said that he couldn’t talk to me as I’m being aggressive. It’s a no win situation. He point blank refuses to accept that he has done anything wrong or even acknowledges that he’s upset me. In fact he told me earlier that he never does anything wrong. Writing this I think I am mad to stay with him but when things are great, they are fantastic and he’s amazing. And he’s not just like this with me. I have seen him give the same treatment to his sister and his mother. He doesn’t seem to want to change (even though he has admitted in the past that he knows this behaviour is destructive). To make matters worse, I know he has been in regular contact with a girl that he works with ever since he’s been giving me the silent treatment and that really hurts that he’s time to text her and be all happy and jokey with her but I get nada. (I don’t think there is anything going on with this girl but I think my bf likes the attention….sad for a man of 40!)
Permalink52
This was awesome, cheered me up completely!
I’m definitely going to mister up the wearwithall to try this with my fiancè! An I don’t think I’ll have to wait very long to try, it’s her favorite way to start crapfights ;).
Permalink53
How do you handle it when you know what you are being given the silent treatment for? Is it different from when you don’t know what you did? I have in the past been given the silent treatment a lot, and I did what you said, I begged and pleaded and did everything I could to make him happy, but I was angry all the time, so I started staying away from him to avoid fighting and having to deal with him. Now he hasn’t done it to me in a long time. But yesterday I did something by accident that wasn’t even an offense to him, let’s just say had the roles been reversed I would not have treated him the way he did me. Now, he has not talked to me, avoided a necessary call to him at work and locked me out of the bedroom, like the good old days. Things go well between us for a long time and then this happens. Then I feel incredible anger at him for doing it to me, and at myself for being taken in and trusting him, and thinking he will ever change. All I feel like doing is staying away from him, is this the right thing to do? I know when the silence ends, he will either act like nothing ever happened or he will go at me endlessly about anything I have do wrong since the last incident, until there is a huge fight.
Permalink54
THANK YOU! ITS GOOD TO HAVE SOMEONE GIVE ME PERMISSION TO LET MYSELF OFF THE HOOK.
Permalink55
I think which ever way you slice it, silent treatment is emotional abuse, it only gets worse over time and it will not change unless this person is brought to a realization of the cruelty and malice of his/her behavior.
I used to do this on my family, then when I learned that its abuse, i was so shocked! and have been trying ever since then not to do this to anyone, i fall short but am committed! Best thing you can do is let a person know that you are not going to take that kind of crap from them, set boundaries, leave if you must, because in the end, more forms of abuse will crop up, name calling, character assasination….it only gets worse
Permalink56
Im glad to read that this considered abuse.
My boyfriend of one year has suddenly stopped talking to me after we returned from a great vacation.
I am currently 2 hours away until I move back to his city in a month.
So I have distance and now am being utterly ignored.
My brain is racing and grasping at illogical straws.
thanks
Permalink57
I’ve been married a little less than a year. My wife is notorious about giving me the silent treatment after a major fight. We eventually start talking again and she always tells me that she gives me the silent treatment because I am too defensive and she can’t talk to me.
I’m not perfect by far, I am not always easy to deal with. Yet, I am always open to talking things out and she so often gets frustrated, walks away, and gives me the silent treatment for days. This is emotionally difficult for me because I despise drama and know it is completely counterproductive to a healthy relationship.
I can’t remember a time that she came to me first to tell me she was sorry for giving me the silent treatment. It seems every time I have to go apologize to her than listen to her tell me how “I” was wrong and finally she acts as if nothing happened. I will wholly admit when I am wrong but I’m tired of always having to apologize whenever she decides she doesn’t want to speak to me anymore.
As some posters mentioned, I also feel like this is a form of control for her. I worry it will have a serious impact on our marriage in time. It breaks my heart as we have two very young children together as well. I don’t want to end up divorced so any suggestions on how to deal with it is appreciated. Thanks ahead of time for any suggestions.
Permalink58
My bf of almost 10 years employs this method when for some unforgivable reason the attention is not all focused on Him. Yes, yes, I know he is a narcissist. I’ve read all the articles. 🙂
Last night we were shopping for some painting supplies and all the way there and all the way back and while we were at the store I kept trying to start conversations and I’d get one or two sentences back and that was it. I held his hand while he was driving but after I took it away to open my water bottle, he never reached back for it. Then he wouldn’t stay overnight or even come in to watch the end of the baseball game (it was only 9:30). Asked if anything was wrong. Nope. Would you tell me if there was? Yup.
This morning I sent a good morning text. No answer. A nice email. No reply. A text telling him I had a check for him. ANSWER! haha. That someone was trying to reach him. ANSWER. How’s your day going. NO ANSWER. So transparent.
So I went to one of my fave quiet spots and wrote to myself that I’m done with this immature, manipulative, and yes, abusive (thank you, previous posters) behavior. From now on when he shuts me out I will not reach out. It’s like pitching baseballs to a hitter with no bat and it’s humiliating. From now on (starting tonight) I am going to look at the Silent Treatment as an opportunity to enjoy some quiet solitude to take care of myself and go out with friends.
He needs to grow up, and I’m all done waiting.
Permalink59
I’ve been seeing this guy non-exclusively for 2 months now. It used to be where we couldn’t go a day without talking to each other, now all the sudden it’s like I hardly ever hear from him. I don’t know why. I’m trying to go back and think what was said to him to make him feel this way and I can only think of two things. 1. I was concerned about his sleeping habits and questioned them. Maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe he felt like I was acting like his mother. 2. About a week ago he wanted to know where this relationship was going and asked me to be honest with him. I was. I said everything I needed to say. That to put a label on what’s going on would be too soon and that I needed to know that I could trust him not to break my heart. It was the truth. No response and now it’s to the point where he won’t even talk to me. This whole silent treatment is making me feel like I said something wrong. Like I didn’t give him the answer he wanted. If that’s the case, then why won’t he talk to me? Leaving all of this out in the open hurts and makes me want to blame myself. I’m so confused.
Permalink60
I have been married for less than a year and have experienced being given the silent treatment by my husband since we began dating over 5 years ago. Whenever HE has done something wrong or hurtful or deceiving to me and I find out about and confront him, he gets extremely angry and then stops speaking to me. I have to beg, grovel, and plead with him in order for him to even acknowledge my presence again.
Presently I am on day 4 of being given the silent treatment. He found out about something – which honestly and objectively is not a huge deal – but he has blown it out of proportion and first started saying horrible, mean things to me, and has now resorted to giving me the silent treatment. I am completely heartbroken. We live with his parents, so he spends the weekends taking them out, and talking to them in the days/evenings during workdays when he is home – yet he completely ignores me. It is so painful. Aside from being my husband he is my best friend, I have no one else within this household and now feel so completely ignored and isolted. Today I did not even eat dinner, but does he care? No.
I love him so very much, but what he is doing is complete torture. Every night when we go to bed I think that he will extend an arm, or show some sort of affection towards me, but it has not been happening up until now and it is more and more devastating as each day passes. I don’t know what to do. I cry myself to sleep at night, I don’t know if he is sound asleep or just choosees to ignore me, but he has not acknowledged that either. I am at a loss.
I keep trying to ignore it, and to make plans to do other things to keep myself busy like going out shopping – but I just don’t have the heart to. I prefer to sit in my bedroom being ignored and feeling numb. I feel like this is going to drive me to depression or some kind of serious health issues. What I hate the most is that within a few days he will start acting completely normal as if nothing has happened. He does no realize the destructive effects that his behaviour is having on not only myself, but our relationship. I
have been reading through each and every comment in this blog and some of them have bought tears to my eyes as I can completely understand what many of the commenters are going through. I can at least seek some comfort, and hope other readers do too, in knowing that we have the company of each other through cyberspace.
Permalink61
all you victims out there, victims of the silent treatment from your passive aggressive spouse. get out now. been married 16 years and filed for divorce last week. i got my last silent treatment and my last birthday disaster from him. i loved him more than anything in the world. i was truly in love. it’s all gone now. read the book “WHY DOES HE DO THAT?” and your eyes will be opened and any hope will be diminished. it made me realize there is no hope for someone like him and found an attorney.
Permalink62
My oartner has been giving me the silent treatment for the vast majority of our relationship and it lasts from between 2 and 3 weeks, during which time she doen’t share a bed with me or feed me. It usually ends with her packing her bags and me pleading wth her to tell me what I’ve done nd convincing her to stay convincing her to stay. We have great make up sex. This happens about 6 times year,
Sometimes I fnd out what I’ve done and this is usually something trival llike giving the kids sandwiches without a plate (she hates doing the dishes) or when she went out to a party and arrived home early, I commented that I wasn’t expecting her home so early.
When asked why she didn’t tell me that I had done something to upset her at the time, she says t’s because I am too defensive in my responses. She also accuses me of abusive and controlling behaviour towards beacuse of the toneof my voice, her intepretatios of what I do and what she thinks I mght do. We have 3 children, twoof whom are mine.
Permalink63
My husband has been using the silent treatment against me for the enitre duration of our 5 year marriage and even before that. The most common reason is when I don’t have sex with him. We have a four-year-old, I have two jobs, and do the majority of cooking and cleaning so I’m often exhausted at night and fall asleep without even realizing it, even though I try to make sure we have sex at least 3 times a week because I hate the silent treatment.
When he is angry with me, he gets up in the morning, ignores me while we are getting dressed, says good-bye to our son, but not to me, and doesn’t call me all day (when he usually calls me 3 times a day at work). In the past I have tried calling him and begging and pleading even to the point of tears for him to tell me what’s wrong, or to try to discuss the problem with him. I only get one-word replies, or he says he has work to do and doesn’t have time for my drama. He’s even hung up on me and ignored my calls. If I try to talk to him while he’s watching TV, he turns up the volume or he stares into space and makes me feel like I’m talking to a wall. It is extremely humiliating and it hurts me deeply, even after 5 years. In addition, when I try to initiate sex after that, he rejects me. I think it makes him feel good to make me feel unwanted – I guess the way he feels when he doesn’t get sex from me, right?
We’ve had several discussions when we’re both calm (with me doing most of the talking) where I try to illustrate to him how destructive and emotionally abusive his behaviour is, and how it doesn’t help things one bit. If he wants more sex, how is treating me like crap going to solve that problem? Like the previous poster, I now handle things differently. When he ignores me, that gives me lots of time to myself to do anything I want to do. I basically treat him the way I treat my four-year-old. The silent treatment is simply another version of a tantrum, a way to manipulate me to get what he wants, and just like I ignore my toddler’s tantrums, I will ignore his. It is a great weight off my shoulders to talk about this.
Permalink64
My husband of 5 years has been giving me the silent treatment for the past two weeks. We have 4 kids together. We’re having problems in our marriage. This is how he deals with things every time there is a problem. It’s very painful to bear when he treats me this way. I tried talking to him about it. And he said he just has nothing to say and that he is under stress. A week ago, I told him that his silence drives me crazy. No response from him and his behavior has not changed. It’s very depressing living like this. I don’t have much of a support system either! Whereas he goes to spend time with his family.
I read in the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” that men do this sometimes. Here’s what the book says:
“When faced with tough problems, men become non-communicative so they can work out how best to help themselves, while women become communicative so that others can work out how best to help them. Men periodically bolt for cover when they suddenly fear that their self-sufficiency is becoming threatened. At these times they may become utterly unapproachable, demanding the right to be left on their own and to be allowed not to express their feelings, but if given support by being afforded space for a little while, they will soon feel better and spring back into their usual loving selves once again. It can be hard for women to handle the suddenness and speed with which men bolt for cover, and then subsequently spring back.”
Knowing this information doesn’t make the behavior any less painful.
Both husband and I are seeing individual counselors right now and hope to start marriage counseling soon within a few weeks. She told me just yesterday that I should just leave him alone for a few days. I am going to try this and see what happens. I will also not sulk or show him in any way that he is getting to me. Let’s see what happens.
Permalink65
Matt, I totally understand what you are going through. I have been dealing with the same thing and it is extremely frustrating. I always apologize or try to discuss the situation with my wife who never apologizes about anything. I just want to wish you luck and tell you to stay strong buddy.
Permalink66
I have been married going on 15 yrs and my husband still plays the silent treatment game with me. We run together ,have two children and have a house and huge yard to take care of. I am exhausted. If I have any time for myself it is late at night after everyone goes to bed. I have to go to my husband to spend time together he does not approach me anymore… if i do not approach enough then he goes in to silent time. It is the same fight overt and over not enoughg sex. There are times where i wake him late and he says it is too late to spend time together so I go do my thing. I do a lot of work from my lap top so I am always on it day and night so I work on laptop throught the night. Sex during the day is bad because we have so many people in and out of our house because of our business we run. It is also bad in the morning becuase our kids are around. We have taken small weekend trips but it seems like the first two days together we fight and still do the silent treatment then eventually spend the evening of hot passionate sex. We make up say we will work on it andf try harder then boom in a couple days or a week we are right back to the same darn fight. I do not know how to fix it. I am only one person pulled in all different directions. I am glad I ran into this site because one, I am glad there are others in same situation and two, I really never saw it as emotional abuse but i guess it is.
Permalink67
Correction: we dont run together…..we run a business together
Permalink68
i have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months now and during our first month of dating, he told me reasons as to why he broke up with his ex of five years. recently, a friend of mine called me to confirm whether i am dating him and that i should be careful because, he might be on a rebound since him and his ex are known to rebound now and then. i asked him abou it and now he is giving me the silent treatment to the point where he has left the country without saying bye. i have apologised and asked him if his ok. all i get is a one word answer. I guess il follow your advice.
Permalink69
I’m married 11 years and also get ignored during fights by my husband.
This is going on three days now and this is the first time I’ve ever looked into what this behavior was all about. I was very surprised to read it was a form of mental abuse. I agree with that because what I’ve been feeling the past three days is torture. I cry all the time, I feel nervous, and I feel so alone. I also feel so angry to be put through this once again. Why doesn’t he care when I cry? Doesn’t he care where I am or how I’m feeling? How dare he do this to me again? I feel ashamed that I have a bad marriage. I feel ashamed that I desperately need marriage counceling. I believe in counceling I just didn’t think I’d have to go there b/c my husband thinks so little of me that he can’t talk to me. This time I refuse to be the one to break the ice but I’m suffering so bad. What are the answers? As another poster mentioned, we’ve gone through this before, made up and he promised me he wouldn’t do this to me again. He’ll say ” I always love you, but I’m stubborn and your stubborn” Does it ever get better? Is their hope?
Permalink70
I am about to marry someone who gives me the silent treatment every couple of days, for very little things that I have a hard time predicting. I am always apologizing, asking his opinion, trying to make him happy. Today he gave me the silent treatment all day, and then asked me if I was taking him to work, not very nicely. In the car he finally gave me the reason- he felt that I had fell through on our deal in which I gave up some things and then I would be able to get a little dog. I thought I had fulfilled my part of the deal. Last night I had wanted to go look at a little dog but he was fine with it then, but the dog was already taken by someone else. Then today I went to go get a little dog. He wasn’t talking to me, but I couldn’t figure out why and he wouldn’t tell me. When I brought him, a little pug, home, my fiance completely ignored us. It was heartbreaking. I was holding my little dog feeling completely alone. In the car, I told him, as I have told him many times before, that the silent treatment had to stop. He finally brought up that he thought I had not fulfilled my part of the deal, and that I deserved to not be listened to because I had not fulfilled my side. The deal was the I had to find homes for all my other pets (3 rabbits, 11 lizards, 7 turtles, 1 snake) before I got my little dog. I thought it was a good deal. I was overworked with the wedding, and I found homes for everything. He thought I fell through because my snake was with a friend who was trying to sell it but told me that he would buy it if no one else did. I caught my fiance in his reason though, because last night he had been fine with me getting the other little dog. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want us to be happy, why he is holding these little stupid things against me. We should be so happy right now. I love him. I want to marry him. I told him in the car that I would leave him if he didn’t stop giving me the silent treatment.
When he got out to leave he said “I’ll see you at nine if you don’t decide to leave before then.” He is completely ignoring any part he has in this. He is completely ignoring that I was bawling as I told him this, while driving down the highway in the rain. Why is our happiness being ruined?
Permalink71
My older brother gives me the silent treatment. Once for two years, currently it’s been a year, I’m 51 and he is 54. He has a great deal of money so I watch as others in our extended family start to position themselves to gain his favor. It’s very interesting to me that these dynamics have been going on for 15 years. Today I truly understand that this is all about control. We have always been two peas in a pod,,,, unless I rebel and do something against his “code”. I’m happy to say that although I love him very much, I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I got off the ride! If we are ever to be close again it will be on my terms. Controlling someone is hurtful and BORING!!!
Permalink72
This is hard to write about… When I was a teen, I got into huge fights with my mother on a regular basis. Each fight would end with me crying on the floor in desperation and anguish, often when even threats of suicide would fail to impel her to reach out in an empathic/compassionate way towards me. I would be alone because my mother had already retreated to her room and slammed the door. Then I’d have to endure weeks of silent treatment when she acted as if I was invisible, while laughing and talking to my dad and brother and friends on the phone. As an adult, I am only now able to articulate how that felt–to be punished like that, invalidated, silenced, alienated and isolated, abandoned, denied, shamed, rejected.
Tonight, I have been forced to end (not altogether my sole decision) an 8 month relationship with a man who, like my mother, occassionally, and unpredictably, treated me the same way. We live 3 hours apart and only spend weekends together. His behaviour came to a head when, on a 4 day trip to California, he spent 3 of the total 4 days giving me the silent treatment. I was furious. No one deserves to be treated like that. WTF?
Reading this site has helped me see that I am not alone in experiencing the pain and hurt and annihilating anguish that comes from being abused in such a way. In some ways, what is worse is that the person is unable/unwilling to recognize and acknowledge that their actions are hurtful. Instead, they shift the blame to you: “I wouldn’t have acted that way if you hadn’t done this.” As victims of abuse, we’re all too used to being left to scramble for some explanation for unexplicable behaviour. We’re so used to feeling that it’s our fault. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
We’re all in this together. xo
Permalink73
My husband is giving me the silent treatment right now, and I’m scared, we had a HUGE fight over money last night and he told me I was a lier and a cheat and he does’t like liers and cheats. Then he slept in the spare room, beacause “i’m not good for sex, cooking or cleaning” I know he’s angry but i’m sooooo scared that he’ll tell me to get out ad leave the children with him (our son is 18months and our daughter is 4 months) he has said in the past that he would go for FULL custody of our son if we’d ever break up.
I dont know waht todo
Permalink74
My husband and I have been married 14 years. The silent treatment starts 2 weeks after we dated. I should have known once he starts the silent treatment, he’s not going to change. After 14 years, he’s still the one start the silent treatment. But I don’t know why I’m still married to this man. I guess because we have an 8-year old son who loves his dad very much. And it breaks my heart when my son tells me ” please stay together as a family” I then don’t have the gut to walk out. But I’m sooo miserable in my marriage. When he’s mad , I know I have no one to talk to for days even weeks. unless I’m the one who breaks the ice. But I have tell myself, I have a son already and I don’t need another one. I don’t know what to do. I still love him dearly, but I’m miserable staying marry to him.
Permalink75
Reading the responses to the main article above is heartbreaking. Giving your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, significant other the silent treatment is like an adult temper tantrum — an inability to trust that your loved one can handle hearing your anger and won’t go away or give up on you. I guess there’s a reason why people give others the silent treatment — but whatever the reasoning behind it is — it’s not helping the relationship whatsoever and it shows a real lack of caring for the other person’s feelings. We tell kids when they get angry or frustrated to use their words (instead of hitting or punching or screaming and yelling). Why can’t adults do the same?
It is my hope that the people who are in relationships where they are not yet married and already getting this kind of silent treatment and cold behavior will strongly reconsider their plan to spend the rest of their lives with people who are not mature in how they handle or express their anger. A book that has helped me with working on myself in relationships is Ken Keyes’ book, “The Power of Unconditional Love: 21 Guidelines for Beginning, Improving, and Changing Your Most Meaningful Relationships.” I really like how some people who are the recipients of others’ silent treatment are dealing with it by using the silence as a break to take time for themselves and not getting caught up in feeling miserable or guilty over the other person’s unwillingness to communicate.
Permalink76
I’ve been seeing this guy for 2 months. It was love at first sight for the both of us. He was the first person I could ever act my true self around and he made me feel wonderful and beautiful. I could say anything and not be judge. ( I am married and currrently been seperated from my husband for 3 months and just started filing my paperwork and he recently got a devoirce in Feb. 2010). The first 6 weeks were a dream come true. I never imagined that god put a person such as him on this earth and he was mine. The 2 past weeks I have noticed that he has become more distant from me. We talk less on the phone and text more. He’d been having problems at work and I noticed he sleeps more and goes to bed very early. Recently he added me a line to his cell phone plan and 6 days later devastation hit. I was supposed to go see him and when I texted him for the time to come up he stated that he didn’t know if he wanted to see me and he wants to left alone and not bothered. Now 3 days before this he displayed similar behavior and turned off his phone and not called me until the following day. He said he does that sometime when he has lots on his mind. I was satisfied with that answer and I was sincerely concerned about him, so I showed up at his house uninvited. The worse thing I could have done, but I didn’t know at the time. We argued little and he said he would call me… Its been 10 days. He doesn’t answer any of my calls, texts and emails. I’m completely hurt… The night before he told me that he was so in love with me, missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. I have been left with no closure. The only thing I have left to hang onto is the cell phone that he has yet to cancel. I am completely in love with this person and I hate to give up, but I will not live like this. Any suggestions on how to move and mend a broken heart.
Permalink77
Can I please get a few other pcs of information from all you guys about these partners you are dealing with? First, how old are they ? What is their astro signs? I would like to try some reasonable tactic to figure out what makes people ( or certain people ) do things like this? Thanks for all your input.
Permalink78
I have spent the past several days reviewing information regarding why people have such problems with communication. Is it an issue with how they were raised as children? Did they have really bad relationship previous to you that causes them to send this behavior into an overflow with you? Obviously, all of you guys and girls are “balanced” and want to see something positive come out of the relationship that you are in. Let’s see if we can pull together enough “solid” information to help everybody. Staying positive is a good thing on our side of the situation.
Permalink79
If you so desire NOT to post certain things here…you are welcome to e mail me. Just ask me, and you will receive a email to contact me.
Why, you ask ? Because, I tend to personally attract ( not that I ask for it by any means ) men that have way too many problems and situations going on. I do mean a gamut of them.
Hey, I have my head screwed on right. My sense of whats right and wrong in a relationship is totally A-OK. I take the time to review my “own” self….just to make sure I am not playing the role of Mother Theresa. I don’t feel like I am wearing a “sign” against my head that say’s: Please..You R Welcome Here..If You Can’t Communicate In All The Right Ways.
This is why I want to know of your experiences. Let me see if I can help you..as I have helped myself get past some of this type of behavior in others.
Permalink80
I have a friend who is 52 years old I wouldn’t call him a partner, and wonder just how much of a friend he is. I let him come live with me and he has been for a year and a half now. We are both Taurus and he constantly complains, and blames me for things my grown children does. He gives me the silent treatment for days He wants everything to go his way, he wants to be the man of the house, but hasn’t workesd in 2 years. He stays on the internet socializing from the time he gets up until he goes to sleep. The only time he talks is when he wants a bill paid or something from the store.
I find it hard to believe that a person can live under your roof and be so ungrateful. I have made up my mind to pay him no mind. From this day on I will not cook,clean,wash his clothes,pay his bills or do anything that I have done for the last two years. As far as I am concerned he can live in the street maybe he will be happy
Permalink81
I am so desperate to talk to someone who is going through the same things as me I am being given the silent treatment it’s never been this bad today is day number 2. I don’t know what to do, or what to say, why do I feel as if I’ve done something wrong?
Sitting here ordering him something online and scared of what to say because I know he’ll turn the situation on me because I was stupid I pushed him to say things and I push him to ignore me… It would be a Godsend for someone to email me and we could chat over these things if they are having similar problems…. My e-mail is Jessicamc24@yahoo.com if you want to put in the title of the email Silent treatment so I know you’re not spam that would be nice! Seriously I’d soo appreciate anyone ! – Hopefully I’m praying he’ll understand the hurt he’s causing me because I love and care for him so much… 🙁
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Silent Treatment is a mental abuse. It literally affects your work, mood and life. I am on Day 6 of being given the silent treatment. I wish I could just walk off and ignore and do whatever I want. But life is not that simple. U have responsibilities when you are married. And you can’t simply walk off. And the best part is, I don’t have a clue of what I should do, react or behave. I am so tired and almost giving quits!
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Just finished a 3 day silent treatment with my husband. Dis was over a very trival issue. He does d ST when he feels he needs 2 fix me up. I live in Africa where women aint treated 9ice. D last ST just ended dis morning. Whenever d ST is on, I ask him what I hv done wrong just 2 clear my conscience. Make his food and do all d things I normally do just 4 a day after which I let him be. Dnt speak with him, touch his things @ all. So I do d ST more dan him. Go 2 watch movies, visit friends, go bowling, d gym, do massages – just hv a great time! Funny during d good times things I cldnt do I do dem during dis period. Get home l8 and of course he can’t ask me where I’m cming fr. Den I set alarms on my phone and it rings and pretend I’m on d phone etc. During d ST I punish him too. Like I displace his keys, socks and he goes in2 frantic searching and frustration. Den I cook his best dishes and give it out.
Permalink84
If a guy treated me like that I’d drop him like a hot potato. It’s emotional abuse. If he just doesn’t know how to deal with being hurt, then letting him know that you’re ready to listen to him when he’s ready to talk should do the trick, but if he’s punishing you, that’s emotional abuse. Why put up with that?
Married couples probably need therapy. I can’t imagine that it’s healthy for children to watch their parents play such a destructive game.
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I’ve been at the receiving end of my husband’s “silent treatment” for years now. In fact I’m going though one since August of this year! We have not had meaningful cummunication for the last 4 months. If there’s anything important that needs to be conveyed he lets me know by email or just curt statements.
Unfortunateley this has been the pattern for the last 6 years or so…When it first started (it was around the time his dad passed away) I attributed it to depression…But these months of non-communication have been going on for years now and I have run out of excuses for him.
When he is not in his “silent treatment” mode, he can be the most fun, loving husband. But the problem is I never know when the silent bomb is going to drop – in fact, when we are having a enjoying a good time together during “good times”, I often dread when it is going to end! On the other hand, he’s the most loving dad -very involved in my all my son’s activities.
I often think that enough is enough, and fantasize about getting out of this mess (over the years, I’ve begun to care less and less about setting things right) – but the biggest and toughest chain that holds me back is my child and the loving relationship he has with his dad.
To the outside world I’m a very outgoing, strong person – but inside I feel sad and lost…
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Best advise to agree not to use the silent treatment when it first ocurrs, and move on with life. Always play by that rule and you won’t end up messed up. I know.
Permalink87
My boyfriend of 2 years is notorious for giving me the silent treatment. I feel like I am the one who keeps encouraging this behavior from him because every time he ignores me I’m the one chasing him and begging him to stop. I personally feel like he loves this attention he gets from me and it keeps him in a position of control. So this time I have decided to just let him give me the silent treatment and not chase him around, I mean, how much fun will this be for him when I don’t give him what he wants? It really hurts my feelings that he continues to do this to me and what’s worse is that it’s so close to Christmas and I have nobody to spend it with because my family lives out of the country and I am a full time student here alone…
Permalink88
I am on the 5th day of my silent treatment from my boyfriend of 1-1/2 years. He wanted me to tell off one of my co-workers who wrongly blamed me for doing something I didn’t do. I said I would approach my co-worker and handle the situation in a much nicer way than the way he wanted me to handle it. He then said, “You don’t listen to me,” and I said back to him, “What do you mean I don’t listen to you?” He then hung up on me and refused to answer my call when I called back. I then sent a text message that said, “I can’t believe you hung up on me!” I have not heard from him since but I am not going to go crying back to him this time. Last time I went to break up with him over something similar to this, he cried like a baby and said I was to good for him. I do know he was emotionally abused by a grandfather when he was a young boy and some other people in his life including his ex-wife who I guess was a real control freak. I know he is afraid of being hurt again and is trying to control me first but I consider myself a strong person. I just hate that he is doing this right before the holidays. He is 48 year’s old. I am going on with my life while he ignores me.
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Best advise for all the people who have been hurt because of the silent treatment ,
1) Don’t react
2) Give them back the silent treatment
3) Ignore them , and they will run quickly to you.
The more you beg and cry , they feel like gods ,… and they will hurt you more. many people who give others a silent treatment cannot handle to be treat like as well. I know it from a fact .
Permalink90
My live in boyfriend has given me the silent treatment off and on for 34 years. I always believed it was me he was angry with and that I did something wrong. So to end it, I would always says I was sorry and I guess that gave him some sort of powerful feeling again. From reading your articles on this website, I see that he is needing to be in control because he feels inadequate. I guess because it is my house and I pay all the bills, etc. We are currently going for counseling, but I never saw that before, what you showed me in minutes. I want to work on myself getting to the point that I am allowed to express anger. I know when I do, he withdraws and gives me the silent treatment to punish me. I want to end this game, but not the relationship. Is this possible after all these years of this same pattern?
Permalink91
My wife of two years is from Thailand. She has two daughters that she brought with her and I love them very much. Her (our) daughters are not the issue. My wife seems to resent my financial situation which has taken place over the course of two years. Like many people, the economic downturn resulted in my being laid off. I have managed, however, to start up a small business and combined that with taking money out of my retirement until the business can replace it. Suffice it to say, money is tight. It seems my wife has new friends who have money (their husbands) and I suspect my wife has been viewing their fortunes with resentment. I love her and she is a good woman, but she has changed the past two weeks and is now giving me the silent treatment over what seems to be resentment. I sat down with her last night and explained to her that the economic collapse of our economy was not of my doing. I also told her that I chose her because I loved her for who she is and not what she had. I added that I hoped she felt the same way toward me. I am still getting the silent treatment today and I am getting frustrated and fed up. After reading the description by one or two on here of ‘abuse’ as defining what is taking place, I have decided to ignore her. I am going one step further, however. I am getting my suitcase and letting her know I am going out of town on a business trip……(to the beach)!
Permalink92
I have been married for 18 months to a man who in the past six or seven months has started wirhdrawing from me when we have a disagreement and now has started giving me the silent treatment. I was widowed and my children are grown, He was widowed young as well but he still has young children at home. I live in his house, in his neighborhood, with his children…And he’s giving me the silent treatment? Are you kidding me? I have tried to be polite to him all day but he’s just gives perfunctory responses. Today I started to tell him how I felt, and he turned around a went into the bedroom. This is while I’m making dinner for all of his children and for his daughter’s birthday. I walked back to the bedroom and said, “Really? You’re really going to do this?” What I really wanted to say was “Grow up you big, fat baby.” I was starting to feel anxious and kind of alone. Since he’s started doing this I’ve noticed that I’ve been apologiazing for things that weren’t even my fault. I’m glad I found this site. Thank you. I feel empowered. This really is passive aggression. Any form of disrespect is abuse. I would not take this from my children so I’m certainly not going to take it from grown man. I think I’ll choose happiness and watch a movie. Like the one wise person said here. I think I’ll take advantage of this solitary time and take care of myself. I’mgoing to be just fine now. Thanks again
Permalink93
I’m getting the silent treatment because I was cleaning the kitchen too quickly. Go figure.
Permalink94
For those of you with significant others or spouses AND NO children, you should seriously get out of the relationship as fast as possible. It will only get worse. My husband did not start the behavior until after we were married AND after I was pregnant. With my strong commitment to the children and not understanding that this was going to be lifelong emotional abuse, I stayed. 21 years later and it has only gotten worse, even though he has been diagnosed with depression, even though he has gone to counseling and also sees a psychiatrist every few months. I am so disappointed that my children had to not only witness me getting the ST, but they were also the victims of it. I have spoken often to the children about how wrong it is and that they will need to watch themselves for depression and being either victim or perpetrator of emotional abuse. The sins of the father will be visited upon the children. It is a very sad situation, even though I make the best of it. The tears are done, I try to enjoy life even when getting the ST, I don’t offer food, do laundry, etc, when I’m getting this treatment, if he can’t talk to me, then I don’t guess at his needs.
Permalink95
I’ve been married to a guy for 2 years. Whenever we have a problem, he’ll always ignore me and never invite me to talk it over and get things right. Now I’ve been giving him the ST for more than one week. Actually he knows why that’s happening: he invited some of his friends to come over our house without even phoning me and asking me about it! I just got home and found out that those people were here, drinking and smoking. That got me really pissed off. Anywayz, I feel like talking to him, touching him… but it seems like he doesn’t want to, so why on earth would I have to try to please him? I have my pride and I used to forget it and let it go even when he hadn’t apologized, but now I want things different. He’s always singing and going to the beach, it seems like he’s happy, while my heart is bleeding. I love him so much, but if worse comes to worst I’ll move away. The greatest love of all is happening to me.
Permalink96
I have been with husband for 4 years and married for 2 of those. I am given the silent treatment most of the time, in fact it’s easier for me to count the days he does talk to me as they are fewer and far between. Sometimes I have an idea why he’s not talking to me and others I have no clue. We could have a fantastic evening together, but the next day he will treat me with utter comtempt and not even acknowledge my existence.
It is so stressful because I find myself waking up praying that he is in a good mood, or I’ll be driving home from work hoping that he will talk to me. I try my best not to focus on him, but trying not to focus on his mood is draining in itself. If I do confront him , it escalates the situation, we argue, then he storms out and sometimes does not even come home until the next day.
Permalink97
I know the feelings of the silent treatment. My BF is giving me the silent treatment for something i thought was nothing. I sent him text messages, email and calls but nothing. It is a mental abuse because ism trying to figure out why he is silent. I am trying to put the puzzle together and it really frustrates me. Could he be cheating? why do they give silent treatment?
Permalink98
Hi-
I ended my 5-year marriage last September. My husband gave me the silent treatment/cold shoulder whenever I expressed my feelings or tried to bring up issues that needed to be discussed, however minor. He would become enraged and bully me for hours by yelling, swearing, and physically intimidating me followed by days or weeks of looking at me with hatred and not speaking. He would stay out late, come home, slam the bedroom door and this would continue for weeks. This was extremely upsetting for me. It affected my work, my health (this abuse continued throughout my diagnosis and treatment for breast cancer), my relationships with other people. I was so despondent and felt so helpless. I would try to talk to him and he would start verbally abusing me so I would walk away and try again in another 2 or 3 days. Often when I begged him to talk to me he would grab my arms and shove me away so forcefully he bruised me. The last straw was when he let me get on a plane to Venezuela, where I was working for a month, without having spoken to me for the previous two weeks.That man could not find it in himself to give me a kiss or a hug, come to the airport with me, say he loved me, nothing. I was absolutely stunned and heart broken that he could do this. I told him to leave the day after I returned. I’m still trying to come to terms with my marriage ending, but i just could not see his behavior changing. If I thought there was a chance he could or would change, I’d ask him to reconcile in a heartbeat but I’ve read Lundy Bancroft’s book, ‘Why Does He Do That?’ and know that the percentage of abusive men who can truly change their behavior is very small. I now understand why his previous marriage ended; his wife did not want their daughter to live in that environment. I’m so relieved I found this forum; I had no idea this cold shoulder/silent treatment was so widespread. My heart goes out to all the men and women who have posted here. ‘The days are long but the years are short.’ We all deserve love and happiness. No one is going to pin in medal on you for suffering in an abusive relationship. If you stay, you will be in the same predicament for the rest of your days, perhaps still posting on this forum. If you leave, you will eventually get over the pain of your marriage/relationship ending and go on to find a mature and loving partner.
Permalink99
Im sorry for everyone going through this. I thought one of the PP had great advice, giving them the ST back….. It sounds great in theory, but when there are kids and a business involved, it gets pretty thick. i mean, everyone else can sense e it too, right?
Im getting another one now… Ive tried approacing him, rubbing his back…. but Im done trying to suck up. The only thing I worry about, is that this will go on forever, I dont think he is capable of saying sorry.
Permalink100
Yes, I sure know the feelings too of Silent Treatment. I am the out-going type (Talk a Lot person), and my wife is not; So if I bluntly tell her about my needs & I don’t mean just SEX, but needing more communicating, as her sometimes S T’s makes me down & not feel loved enough.
Overall , she treats me well in the bedroom with not wanting as often as I, but I compromise on that. To keep our marriage together, I have learned to live with the ST’s, By ST her back, and doing for myself letting her know that she no longer has control, trying to Punish me, life goes on; I just don’t let it bother me as much as I use to & she see’s now that I dosn’t, so she now breaks the ice usually before I do, and this seems to be keeping it down some;
Sometimes I have wanted to try leaving her, but I love her too damn much & she also me, I know, but this habit of her’s may never end, so we do the best we can;
I do not want to live my life alone and 70% of her love and companionship, is so much better than what I had before, I stay & work at it with her;
I guess what I mainly am trying to say Sharry, is that , a partner who has this HABIT, developed it when they were young most likely, and may never be able to completely STOP, but if they see it does not bother YOU the way they hope it will to empower them, it becomes less often, at least; They usually were somewhat very spoiled as a child, and try to manipulate love one’s to get their way.
Some never grow out of their childhood ways Sadly; Don’t let him know that it bothers you, even as hard it is to do that, I know;
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