Disengaging from the Silent Treatment
Many people struggle with the silent treatment as a form of conflict in relationship. The dynamic tends to be as follows: one person withdraws attention from the other, who then responds by trying to get their partner to break their silence. The more the recipient of the silent treatment attempts to break their partner’s silence, the more the giver of the silent treatment gets the attention they want, the more silent they become, and a vicious cycle has begun.
So, how does one break the vicious cycle? It depends on which side of the dynamic you are on. On both sides, it is tempting to respond from a place of pain, and find ways to make your partner feel that pain. This only feeds the cycle, because you are still focusing your attention on that person.
If you are getting the silent treatment, you need attention, and the only person who can give it to you is yourself. The best thing to do is to notice how much you are ignoring yourself by trying to get your partner to see you. You don’t have to play the same game. You can say whatever it is you need to say, then focus on yourself and tend to your wounds. Notice how much focus you still want to give your partner when you hope they notice that you are focusing on yourself, and let that thought go. Keep focusing on your own pain, find your own means of soothing yourself, and do your best to not make this process about your partner and how much of a jerk they are being. The point is to disengage, not to engage further by giving the silent treatment back at your partner.
If you are giving the silent treatment, because it is a habit you learned, and you want to figure out how to disengage, you are likely going to have to face some vulnerable feelings. While you are giving the silent treatment, notice what sort of thoughts you are having. How much attention are you actually giving your partner during this time, hoping that they will feel hurt by your silence? You are also ignoring yourself if you are sitting there silently punishing your partner. Use this time to really explore what it is that is upsetting you. Find out just what it is you hope that the silent treatment will accomplish. Know that speaking will be much more effective in communicating your specific needs and desires.
A relationship is a dynamic between emotional equals. Even abusive relationships involve an abuser matched with a person who believes that they don’t deserve better. It is tempting to break the dynamic down into the black and white world of “right and wrong.” The silent treatment is part of this equation. The best way to change an unfortunate dynamic is to change the part of you that fits the dynamic, rather than try to change your partner.
Update, November 29, 2016: After reading through the comments on this post, I felt like this one wasn’t quite complete, so I have written a sort of Part 2 for it, called Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: an Experiment for You. To read more, go here.
More posts that you may find interesting:
What the Pain of the Silent Treatment May Be Telling You
Posts about the Silent Treatment
Learning to Speak in a New Emotional Language
Is It Okay for Parents to Give the Silent Treatment to their Children?
Handling Conflict by Ignoring the Problem
88 comments
Permalink3
Thank you for your website. My boyfriend has been giving me the silent treatment for a week just because I do not feel comfortable with a particular invitation. Its Boxing Day and up until Christmas Eve I tried to call him and left a text message to say how much his behaviour was affecting our relationship and that we should try and reach a compromise but have heard nothing. I feel I have to walk on eggshells around him which I never wanted to do following a previous relationship which I allowed to knock a lot of confidence out of me and he knows this. I do not want to go through the depression I went through previously and I have tried to break up from him twice due to other problems but he has always given me assurances which makes me feel so positive at the time. He tends to give me the silent treatment every few months and this is the third time he’s done it around the time of a special occasion (including last Christmas). I was determined to make the most of Christmas Day with my family as I did not want my hurt to spoil anybody else’s day. However, today I just feel so down but from your words and other comments submitted I know I have got to pick myself up. So thank you very much.
Permalink4
Dump the jerk! I had a friend do this to me well, I thought was a friend.I tryed to apologize many,many times.It didnt get me anywhere.I think that people that do this like seeing you suffering so,they keep ignoring you.Yes I know its hurts coming from someone that says they love you,but there really nothing you can do.Take hard look do you really want someone that does this ? Find someon that really loves you and will communicate when theres a problem.I did and im HAPPY!goodluck
Permalink5
My husband gives me the silent treatment quite often…it makes me angry, because i am the one responsible for taking care of the household needs. Hard to get anything done, when they are not talking to you! I behave rather strangely now, before I use to get into a fight, now I just go to bed and sleep it off, till he is fine again. I need the sleep, because this form of abuse, makes me very tired. However its not solving the inital problem, What should I do?
Permalink6
i have tried for years to break the spell I fall under when my partner gives me the silent treatment. Your description of disengaging was a life saver. My partner is a very non-assertive person, he hates confrontation of any kind and will go to great lengths to keep the peace with his three daughters who are incredibly controlling. When they upset him, often in regards to me being at his house when they visit, he gets angry, but in the long run, i get the silent treatment and they get hugs for behaving. They tell him they don’t want me around, when i am, they behave politely but you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. He always says, well that went well. If i was at all emtional, if I express my feelings about it, then for 2-3 days he doesn’t speak to me. When i back off and don’t call or e-mail, he calls, saying “are you still speaking to me?”. But i hate stooping to his level. Your suggestion to state my case, that i don’t know what’s wrong so I can’t help, have given me a healthy response i can work with. I refuse to use the silent treatment against anyone, even if that person is doing it to me. thank you so much.
Permalink7
This is the 6th day of silent treatment from my boyfriend of 9 years. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times this has happened over the course of our relationship. Each time, I apologize and then try to get him to break his silence. Not this time. Enough is enough. I can’t do it anymore. He’s out of town and I’m dropping his key at his house and taking what little things I have of mind there back to my house. Thank goodness I never moved in because I just didn’t want to do that to my children. The sad thing is, I thought I found a man that really loved me, but instead I finally realized all I had was a man that wanted to control me. I was married to one of those…how did I do it twice?? I hope I remain strong!!
Permalink8
My husband of 30 years is a passive aggressive silent treatment manipulator when he gets mad. I have learned not to play the game, I do not try to fix the situation or him, I dont try to get him to talk, and I dont feel responsible for his feelings – the part I cant seem to get around is that it makes me angry, and it makes me want to hate him for trying to manipulate me that way. It *does* have the affect of keeping me from confronting him with things I want to confront him with, because I know that he will take it there, and I deeply resent it. I spend way too much time feeding my own needs and ignoring his childish behavior, and it really spoils the chance for a vibrant relationship 🙁
Permalink9
I have lived with controlling and silent treatment, and all kinds of other narcissistic behaviors for 40 years from my husband . Have always thought the trouble in our relationship was my fault, as I react emotionally when I am ignored, and made feel as if I do not exist. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep beside him and he never as much as touches me to comfort me.
This is one of my needs that he does not meet, – he will not communicate in any way unless it is something that concerns him and our business. I think that this silent treatment is just another way of control – my way or the highway.
Permalink10
My boyfriend of a year has often used the silent treatment and I am fed up and want to confront him. Do I actually tell him he is using ‘the silent treatment” and that it is a form of abuse and control?
He is also passive aggressive so he will, I’m sure, sit there and just say ”I’m glad you pointed that out to me” or some other stupid response.
Any advise on the best way to bring this up?
Permalink11
To the other posters, especially the ones in long-term marriages/relationships.
Can you think of a way you could have handled this earlier on?
Did you confront them back then and they just didn’t change or did you not even realize what he was doing ?
I’m 52 and so is he, and dating is complicated enough at this age without throwing in someone with these issues which I’m sure he has had his whole life. I do remember several times he said past gf’s called him controlling (now I know why) and want him to get mad/angry (classic passive aggressive behaviour).
Oyyyyyyy – it’s just not worth it I’m sure.
Permalink12
wow.well i have just moved out of the house of my boyfriend of 5 yrs. Ii just could not take it anymore! But he still gives me the silent treatment . Thanks for the advice on this site. I was doing exactly as i shouldn’t – nearly making myself explode with the task of trying to break through the wall. I have only hurt myself . but still it just seems so childish.
Permalink13
Thank you for this post. I am only in a relationship for 3 months with some one who has given me the silent treatment the first time I confronted him with an issue 2 weeks into our relationship. 2 days ago I told him that I was unhappy with our relationship and while I was at work he moved all of his things out and dropped his key in my mailbox. He’s now given me the silent treatment for 2 days except for telling me where the key was.
it wasn’t until I started researching how to deal with this adn my emotions that I realized his behavior is passive aggressive and manipulative. Thank goodness it was only 3 months int he relationship and I recognized this now. It retrospect it felt like a very abusive relationship in an emotional way.
For anyone reading this, be strong and love yourself. If you do not have obligations otherwise like children or signfiicant financial ties preventing you from leaving, end the relationship as soon as possible. Staying in it will only reinforce his/her bad behavior and continue to erode your self-confidence.
Permalink14
I am currently getting the ‘silent treatment’, and was looking for a witty status to put on my facebook profile when I came across this site – I am astonished at how many men are at it ! I have been married nearly twenty years and I would say that for 80% of the year I get the silent treatment, for the first few years it bothered me and I would desperately try to resolve the issue, this often meant that I had to apologise for something that i hadn’t done. I slowly realised that I needed to take back control, now whenever my husband starts the ‘treatment’ I respond in the same way, I withdraw all conversation / contact with him, I only resume when he breaks the silence, I am capable of letting it go on for weeks, even months. During that time my life is still very happy, I still see friends, family, go out to parties and other social events, leaving him to ‘suffer’ alone, it normally results in him telling me we need to talk then trying to blame me then eventually he cries. I have discussed his behaviour over the years with my 2 children (now 18 and 10) and they are aware that it is not the right sort of thing to do, neither of them sulk at all and are more easier going and laid back like me. I see my husbands problem as some kind of mental disorder, that way I am able to cope, although I must say I can see myself walking away once my youngest child is old enough for it not affect her. My family and friends are all aware of his problem, I no longer feel the need to hide it, it is a joke amongst us all now. I am a strong person with self-assurance – this is a good job – otherwise I would not be able to cope with it all – I say thank god for the internet hahaha it keeps me sane and happy. I hope some of this has helped – btw his father was like it too and his brothers also – that is why i discussed it with my son to ensure he did not pick up the habit.
Permalink15
Hey,
Me and my husband waited 10 years in a distance relationship. Even then I knew he was giving me the silent treatment for silly reasons. I have always believed in being open, which is not his way obviously. It always makes me question myself, and doubt myself, i even told him that, yet, no explanation except silence from time to time. I thought our case was unique, but knowing it happens to so many people, I’ve to learn how to decide to never hurt myself for his mistake.
Permalink16
my boyfriend has been giving me the silent treatment for one week. We have been together, off and on, for 3 yrs. He has broken up with me twice, and I took him back both times. He is mad at me, because I was upset and called him, because he hadnt called me all day. I know I shouldnt have become so upset, but it was day when I really needed to talk to him. I called him the next day on his work phone, to apologize. He couldnt talk long, but said he’d call me on his lunch. he is real good at calling/texting me daily, up to this day. He never called, and now, its been a week. A week before this all took place, he wasnt getting his way. He is very controlling, not wanting me to go anywhere. He was very upset that I found a new, close friend that i do things with, without him. We went to the fair (he showed up with his friends, and he called, texted me, and followed us around the entire time!). Then, I made a plan to go to the Vegas, last minute with my close friend. Her mom was ill and unable to go. My boyfriend became livid, saying I had this planned long ago. He said if I go, he would break up with me. He then said, when I come back, things will change (boy did they change!). He offered me $100 to stay, and that hed give me all of his time. He begged to go with me. Nothing worked. I told him, I will not let me friend down. Then, He said that I was letting him down, cuz we had plans. we never had plans that weekend, we never do! I left in the morning, and he was sweet about it. I live 45 miles from him, so i went down to see him, then drove back to where i live, to leave for Vegas. We texted during the trip, then when I got back, I went back down to see him. He was sweet, helping me cook, etc. I left Tues morning, and he ran out, asking why I wasnt coming back. I said, cuz this isnt where I live (we used to live together). He was upset. But he kept on calling/texting me like crazy. I guess he was setting me up for the fall, cuz I was so high with all the attention he had been giving me, being that we had reconciled 4 mos prior. Once I got mad at him for not calling me all day, he closed up on me totally. And now its been a week of no contact, though i did try that one time to call his work phone, and he said he loved me, he never called back on his lunch as promised. I dont know how much I can take, I do know i love him. But it is a verbally abusive, controlling relationship. If he cant be in control, he will try to regain it, but giving me the silent treatment, whichi is cruel and sheer torture. His mom and i are very good friends. I called,and she said she’d give him the phone (he was in his room with his friends), I said no, its ok. She and I talked a while, but she agrees, she knows he has problems. I am trying to let go and not get in touch with him like I used to. I used to drive down to confront him, when there was a problem. but not anymore. I realize he is severely depressed, and bipolar. He loves me the best he knows how, and all I can do, is let go. and go on with my life. My hapiness matters more, though there was a time when I sacrificed my own, to see him happy, because I loved him so much, I cant do that anymore. I realized Im with someone who confuses love with control, and I love myself enough to not allow it to happen. We used to live together, and it wasnt any better then. It would go from really great, to horrible, overnight. Its no way to live. There is too much to life, to allow someone to drain me emotionally. It just hurts to be ignored by someone you love so much (that is underserving of you or your love), but having the loving support of wonderful friends, is getting me through this. He will call again eventually, but I have to be strong and tell him, I am willing to be friends, but nothing more. I will always love him, and Im sure he loves me in his own way, but its not a healthy love, thats what we (the victims of the silent treatment) need to realize. If you dont allow them to control you, they will move on and find someone else who will…if so..consider yourself lucky! My heart is breaking, but it wil mend. Keep in mind…that as time goes on, and you look back at past relationships, you will realize that none of them will matter, and you wil wonder why you stuck it out for so long!
Permalink17
Oh boy! All I can say is me too. I am getting the silent treatment for the past two days now, over a remark I had said to my husband of 30 years. I told him not to touch my stuff. He has a thing of using my things and breaking them, so I can’t stand it when he gets into my things. So after I had said that, He went in to a anger rage and told me to F** my self and to F*** off and that he is sick of my cra*. Then blamed me for his day not going well. So I went for a bike ride by my self and when I came back he still was pissed off and doing the silent treatment. This morning he wanted me to do something for him. I said No, you had all day yesterday to do what you needed to do, and to leave me alone. Now to night he comes home from work, and silent treatment,,, I don’t want to talk to him, and I don”t want to hear anything he has to say, I know it will be my fault again. I am not going there. jesssssssssss He is a big baby, if its not his way he sulks . makes me sick. lynn
Permalink18
What to do when this happens.????I can’t go anywhere, he thinks I will leave him.
And I can’t do anything, he thinks I have mental issues. All I think of is pain, sleep, and eating junk food.Oh and he owns everything around here, i have nothing, it’s all his.if i do leave he take my wallet and keys and cards. I am sick inside.lynn
Permalink19
well I’m so glad to know that I’m not alone here….almost seven years of marriage with the on and off silent treatment. I feel trapped, no job, and everything in his name, no family and no friends. This time it’s because I said i was okay instead of telling him I was “Happy” when he asked me how I felt. Talk about walking on eggshells. It is like living with a child….no take that back it’s far worse, at least a child doesn’t know any better. This behavior destroys so much, your self esteem, your values and your marriage. Why don’t they see this, maybe they do but just get so much pleasure from seeing us suffer. This is day 3, wonder how much longer this will last this time??
Permalink20
This is the third or fourth time I received this, even though we are not even dating yet. The first time lasted for 2 weeks, and I was so scared. And then last year, we had some trivial arguments, and he dismissed what I said. And he refused to engage in conversation with me for 5 months. 5 months! I wrote him two emails and 2 letters, and he didn’t respond. He blamed me for everything and I had to apologize. I told him just a few weeks ago that the way he treated me caused me nightmares that haven’t gone away yet. He didn’t really address the issue and ignored what I said. And then he did it again in less than 2 weeks. This time we had an argument with other people around. He made some insulting comments but he refused to admit that it’s his fault. He acted like fine in front of others, but in private he’s ignoring me, returning my stuff and stopped talking to me. I think this might last for months again. But this time I won’t initiate contact. I wonder how he is going to rationalize his rage this time… He likes to play the victim role and downplay what others have done for him. I think he just cannot stand criticisms. I still feel upset and hurt though. I try to make myself feel better by going out with friends and writing down my feelings. I guess I have to leave. I just don’t know what to do if he starts to talk to me again.
Permalink21
I just broke up with the love of my life because of communication issues. The “silent treatment” was the inevitable debilitating factor. He would not speak to me sometimes for a week or more. This would send me in a fit of anger and I would burst. Exploding things I did not mean. The feeling of not being loved by the person you love with all your heart sent an array of emotions surging through my body. All I wanted was a resolution and for him to hug me and hold me like he did before a situation would arise. We were engaged for two years, and ended our relationship with a huge blowup over a trivial situation. We are a relationship that when we are good we are indestructible, but when we are bad it feels like death. What I noticed about the silent treatment is it kept me yearning for his affection. And even though now we are no longer together I crave the intimacy we shared, yearning for his love. We have recently begun to see and talk to each other again because we know the love that we share cannot be found anywhere else. Stopping the cycle of this horrible mind game is the key to a happy and fulfilling relationship that I hope will work for the two of us. I love him so much.
Permalink22
My husband of 24 years also gives me the silent treatment and I am so glad that I found this website because I had no idea that there were so many men out there doing this to women. My husband will not talk to me when I am trying to talk to him about our marriage problems, he just stares into space or just keeps watching tv as if I am not even there. He used to be very affectionate with me but now he hardly touches me and it makes me feel like I am not worth anything. I know that I deserve better than this because I am a good wife and have stood by him through thick and thin. I love him very much but I really don’t know why because he is not a good husband or a good father to our children. The children and I have a great relationship and even when they get mad at me they don’t stay mad and we can talk about things. I sometimes feel that my husband resents me for something but he won’t tell me what. I feel like I am trapped with no way out because I have no where to go due to financial difficulties. I am not dependant on him in no way shape or form because I have always worked and taken care of myself but it would be nice to have a husband that I could depend on to be there when I need support. My father recently passed away and I felt that I couldn’t go to my husband for comfort because he is not there for me emotionally. He has always been quiet but this has gotten worst because he wil never talk about our problems in the marriage nor will he get help for himself. I love him but I hate the way he is and I also feel ashamed to call him my husband because my friends and family can all see that he is not a good husband or father and I always feel like I am an idiot for staying with him. I want my marriage to work but it takes two and he is not willing to do a darn thing to even try to make things better. I just don’t know what to do. Our children are grown and out of the house and it is just the two of us and I am so lonely and hurt that I just feel like it is hopeless. I’ve prayed and prayed but it seems God hasn’t decided to help me out with this one yet and God doesn’t take away anyones free will so ultimately, it is my husbands choice whether he wants to change or not and he chooses NOT!
Permalink23
My lover is a player. We have been together for 4 months. He just came out of a 25 year marriage where he did the silent treatment…now he is doing it to me.
I confronted him about other women(I yelled loud because I was mad) and he just goes away…no eye contact..complete silence…no phone calls…no connection.
The first time killed me deeply. It was the worst I ever felt. It went on for 10 days or so……I was feeling some of my deepest darkest pain. This is now the second time.
I do not feel the pain like the first time…because I realize I deserve more. He can play his silent treatment game and go flirt and pick up all of the women he wants. I do not need another man to make me feel special…and I do not need his disloyalty. I am the queen and I will find a man who thinks so…Just the wrong choice for 4 months. I am moving on
Permalink24
20th December 2010 7PM
I have been married for 30 years to a man who constantly gives the silent treatment.
I am also glad I found this website I felt so alone with no understanding why it happens it does help to know other’s are going through the same and there is nothing wrong with you.
I was a successful business woman I raised to Son’s who are a credit to us then my world came crashing down.
I made a fatal mistake, my husband convinced me to move to a large house and give up my job since then I have experienced 10 years of hell.
The children grew up one now lives in America the other in London, I find myself isolated and lonely I no longer have a job or any friends.
My husband got into a finaicial mess heI didnt tell me until the debt nearly ruined us.
Now Im stuck in an horrendous trap which I cant escape, the house is mortgaged to the hilt I obviously have no independance so I spend my days and nights in isolation
he never speaks to me or even bothers to notice I exist.
The irony of all this is everyone has always told me how beautiful I am on the odd occasion I escape the house I receive many admiring glances for the opposite sex this is the only time I feel alive.
I married young my husband never showed me any affection through all the years I tried to talk to him and he would always have an excuse why there was no intimacy in our relationship he would say he was stressed.tired or over worked.
When I became successful he seemed to resent this nothing I said or done ever made a difference and always somehow it was all my fault.
Even though I know I am still a beautiful woman he has destroyed my soul I have spent years crying, I became a total insominac unable to think straight.
All I can think of now is how I escape this hell I am in, I know that I have too escape if I am to have any life at all.
I have my Son and his wife plus parents coming for Christmas dinner, there are no decorations up no food as been brought, last night I had to leave him a note and ask when he would do this I am still waiting for a reply. He knows I cannot do this has I have no money or no means of transport.
What is it with these men someone ought to lock them up and throw away the key.
My advice to any young women contemplating marriage would be. Never Never lose your independence Never be fooled by a man who pretends to be Mr Nice Guy all the time these types of men say yes but underneath they are plotting their revenge this happened to me once my Son’s left home. If they visit he reverts back to Mr Nice Guy as soon as they leave the house the SILENT TREATMENT resumes plus he will not give me one penny.
He relishes on the control he has on me and makes my life hell I HATE HIM.
Permalink25
Thanx all for your thoughts, feelings and I must say your strength! Yes strength! They know you are FULL of strengths, are functional, organised and capable. They hate you for it!
My husband of three years is the ‘silent treatment’ type. He refuses to see any fault in himself, to communicate or endeavour to resolve issues. He just disappears up the shed and gives me the ‘silent treatment’. He can see no wrong in himself and if I confront any fault or dare to have a need or want; my punishment is silence.
He will not talk again until I have said sorry. I have learned to not be a party to his childish behaviours and simply withdraw into the spare room and love myself. I spend the time on self-awareness, building more knowledge, more wisdom and understanding. In a sense all he is doing is causing me to wake up one day and find out I have outgrown his childish behaviours.
Just remember it is NOT you; you are mature, wanting an open relationship where communication is not dished out but expected.
I am choosing to outgrow him and one day I will awake and wonder what I ever saw in him. In the long run you have a choice to either let them get under your skin or choose to get under your own skin by doing loving, caring and considerate things for yourself. I am learning to love my own company, to care for myself and to enjoy the beautiful person I know I am. And when the weather fines up I intend to get out and enjoy the beach, the sand and the ocean. I need a dose of Nature and to distance myself from the little two year old that lives up the shed!
Permalink26
Wow, I know I sound like an echo, but it is so nice to find that I am not alone. I have been with my fiance for four years and we are engaged to be married next June. He is a great guy when he wants to be, but uses the silent treatment as a first resort whenever he is displeased with something. I really liked the author’s blog aout “overwatering
and underwatering” and yes, I am a total people pleaser. I just want everyone to be happy 24/7. I also take care of myself, but sometimes feel like I need to live two lives becasue when I come home he won’t talk to me. Thank God I have a dog! I grew up with a big family so to be in a house with only one other person who gives you the silent treatment for sometimes weeks at a time can be almost unbearable. I know I am not perfect, but I can honestly say that I always try with my whole heart and am always willing to try harder, first to apologize, oh wait that is why I’m in this mess, huh?! Seems rather unfair. At times the silent treatment can be almost soul crushing. And the times in between are bittersweet because I am afraid to say the wrong thing and have it start all over again. Not nice. And everyone keeps talking about how great it is that we are engaged, etc. Sometimes I think we live a fairytale. Other times I think we live a lie. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone here.
Be strong and be good to yourselves.
Much love.
Permalink27
Dear Christine
Looking back I saw all the signs and still went ahead and married him. They think they then own you and the silence gets worse, their passive/aggressive behaviours only get worse. He is now more angry when he can’t get his own way then before. The blame gets worse as they convince you if you just try harder, walk on egg shells, do everything for them they will be happy. But they are never happy. They always find something to get cross about and withdraw into their silence. I learned that my husband does not need or want intimacy and if I dare to get too close that is when he finds away to withdraw up the shed in his silent little world.
No one can or should tell you what to do or advise. However; if I had my choice all over again I will have run for the hills and waited for the RIGHT man to come along. There is worse things than living on your own and that is the ‘silent’ treatment and the constant need to please and do for him without anything given in return.
Permalink28
To Dee and LA, i so understand where you are comeing from, as i have to deal with the same treatment, and it also got worse when my last child left home. Almost as though they no longer need us for the kids. mine also stares at television silently when i cry, or try to talk.Yet will cry copiously at a sad movie!!. They wont deal with honest open emotion, or anger. Thirty one years is too long,but at fifty four, and a lifetime spent looking after my famely, he controls everything. My heart goes out to you both, dont let them try to turn the blame on you, thats part of their tactics.
Permalink29
I am so pleased I found this site, as it is reassuring to know that I’m not doing this totally on my own. My situation is a little different to everyone else’s because the man dishing out the silent treatment to me is just a friend. However, out of the last 12 months, he’s refused to speak to me for four of them! We’re currently on about week 5 of his latest bout. I know why he’s not speaking to me, and it’s childish. I’ve done nothing wrong, but he’s waiting for me to go cap in hand to talk to him grovellingly, giving him the chance to blow a gasket at me. I can’t do it anymore. But I also can ‘t cope with him very pointedly isolating me in social situations.
Permalink30
My husband is an expert at the silent treatment. He is very verbally and emotionally abusive. I never know what mood he will be in. I am really angry. So many men are doing this to women and why are we putting up with it? Obviously, these are damaged individuals. My husband left for business and hasn’t come home for a couple of days as “punishment.” I am going to divorce him and move on!!
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My mom spent years giving us kids the silent treatment whenever she didnt want to deal with something, and we all learned that from her. I have to actively Make myself communicate truthfully with my sons. My second sister is the same as my mom and I dont have any kind of relationship with her anymore because one day I decided to stop placating her, and see what happened if I did nothing. Nothing happened! it was a liberation. She used to phone to ask me to do her favours, but No More! I have a few friends who give me the silent treatment, who arent my friends anymore, because if you are in a relationship with someone who thinks silence is communication, then they are inevitably going to let you down. I often wonder why people think silence has power. If I am not active, then I am not exercising my power. You can ignore a silent person, and the only way they can get your attention is through sound…..Meanwhile, they are obsessing about ‘teaching you a lesson” and you have moved on. …the best revenge is a good life.
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Simply amazing to see all this suffering women must endure from childish and immature men!!! Of course I am in this same situation, thankfully I have never been one to constantly rack my brains and pick my husband’s brain to sort out the problem. I just leave him to it. His habit is definitely annoying and I can relate to one of the ladies who commented on being the one who does the household chores. It’s terribly frustrating, but I keep myself occupied, and though it may be tempting to become vindictive and ignore your spouse, forget it! Let them do all the work. I kick back, watch tv, cook and keep my house clean to my liking. Whether he appreciates it or not, i just don’t care. In fact, I intend to start my college degree this year and get somewhere with my life! I’ve always dreamed of becoming a doctor and that is exactly what I will do!!
It’s sad really, supposed to love and honour and cherish and yet we will still end up in some sort of controversy!! But trust in the Higher Power and seek to create your own happiness. Peace and love to you all.
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Me and my husbad are still newlyweds. We got married last August and it is the first time he gives me the silent treatment. Its been 2 days already and I was feeling so sad and angry with my husband. I am so happy for having found this website. It is so funny how we always think we are the only one with problems. It gives me a relief to relate my problems with other womens problems. After reading the article I realized how much time I was spending trying to figure out why he was treating me like that. So, I send him a message, saying that I love him but it hurts me the way he is treating me. That’s all! I decided to move on and keep my life busy and “forget about it”. I don’t feel like wasting my time anymore thinking about him or what’s going to happen next! Why is it that we women have ALWAYS to apologize?! He is trying to manipulate me and it is unacceptable! Marriage is like a team work. Communication is the key for success. My previous relationships were always a failure cause I was the one allowing my bf to manipulate me. And that’s why they are EXs now! Lol.
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i know exactly why im getting the silent treatment.. apparently the fact i dont want sex with a bloke who forgets to shower and brush his teeth is an issue i need to sort by seeing a doctor.
hes nice enough most of the time but if he goes longer than a week without sex, i wake up to silence.
its even worse now ive moved from England and my family to Scotland with him… 5 months ive been here and ive lost count of the silent treatments ive received. how do i tell my family ive made a mistake and want to go home :'(
guess i will just start saving for my escape fund and see what happens. Glad im not alone, this time i wont be trying to be his pal… i can beat him at his own game if i focus enough on not trying to be forgiven for being too tired to service his needs.
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The part that angers me about the silent treatment is that when I do try to approach the situation in a responsible manner & ask him what is bothering him, let’s work this out, etc., he sarcastically tells me that I’m the one with the problem and causing this problem and there is no problem and the like.
I’m very sad as I feel that I’m the only one humbling myself to work on the relationship when this happens. Putting the relationship before my own selfish anger. However, he is so wrapped up in the anger that he lacks the self-awareness to see it this way.
He is misdirecting anger towards me for his own fears, worries and anger, being hypercritical and moody. I don’t know if I should hang in there anymore or what to do. Even after he’s cooled off if I try to talk to him about it, he won’t discuss or admit to any problems (unless blaming it on me). Sometimes he just yells at me and never even gives me the respect of listening to what I have to say.
How can a relationship be successful if you can’t communicate?
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I am so glad I found this website. I have been married for 4 years but we have been together for 7. I thought I was the only one to get the silent treatment. It is amazing how many people are going through what I am going through. Everyone’s comments have helped me. My husband gets mad over small things, he says it is the small things that matter. Right now he has not spoken to me in 3 days. I call him and he does not answer. He is mad because he gets breakfast and lunch every morning but one morning there was no eggs. How can you get mad over one day? I don’t know if he is justified in getting mad. He makes me feel like I have done something terribly wrong. I get sad when he does not talk to me and if I try and talk to him he will only see his side. Does anyone have any advice?
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So i had been dating this guy for almost 4 years. He was ready to get married within the first year of our relationship. I, having been divorced before and a single mom, was not ready. I asked that he give me the time to finish school and get on my feet. This past december, i didnt go with him home for christmas. He seemed ok with it. We spoke the day he left and joked on the phone. Same went for Christmas day. Then the following day it was as if he fell off the face of the earth. I called and called and no answer. Finally 2 days later, he gets back and tells me he wants to break up. WOW! out of no where. He says it was because I did not respect him or his family. So we “broke up” but he continued to stay at my place (he having his own) for a week. Then, a week later, he comes back from work and says, It is over and that he is leaving town. Silent treatment followed. I begged and pleaded and he persisted with the silent treatment. Now it has been almost 3 months and he still has 90 percent of his things at my place AND one of his cars and is still giving me the silent treatment. I text him and asked him to come get his stuff to give my daughter and I some closure to all of this and he still does not reply. Is this a norm for a 30 year old man. A man, who through the entirety of our relationship, expressed the GREAT importance of communication! it is SO frustrating! I never in my life expected that a man I thought I was going to marry could be so incredibly childish. I do not understand any of this. What is he trying to prove?
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I’m glad I found this website. I dated my boyfriend for a year and saw signs that he was controlling, and he admitted being verbally abusive to his x-wife. I was naive though and thought it wouldn’t happen to me. Then he became verbally abusive to me and would say terrible things any time he got annoyed like I wasn’t hot enough for him, wasn’t a ‘real’ woman etc. He would give me the cold shoulder and deny affection and wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to talk to him about why he was upset. He would hang up on me and refuse to have a rational discussion and would disappear without contact for days. I finally had enough and we broke up and a year later he resurfaced and begged me to take him back, saying that he was ‘better’ and he only acted like that because of stress caused by his x. I took him back for another year and things were better.
He called and txted me every single day and was loving although still very selfish and everything had to be his way 100% of the time otherwise he would later pick a small fight over something trivial. He made plans for the future of things we could do together. Then one day out of the blue just as things had been going really really well (probably too well, so he thought he had to make a power play to get control), he escalated a minor event into a major event. He accused me of a having a secret agenda about giving him a photo of us 6 months eariler, claiming I was trying to get people to see it to stir up his x (which was totally ridiculous! I never even mentioned his x in an entire year). He sent me 20 attacking txts while at work even though I’d just seen him and things were fine, yet he intentionally waited until I was at the office to send them. Then he called and hung up and wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to sort out what he was so upset over. He then showed up at my place drunk and said mean things that we ‘never had a real relationship’ (he seemed to like telling me I wasn’t ‘real’ to him) and that he ‘never really had feelings for me’, and ‘never really liked sex with me’ and he walked out saying that he loved me, and then he promptly turned his back on me. 4 months went by and I got the silent treatment! After him txting me daily and sending me xox txts each night for a year, it was like flipping a switch to dead silence. At this point I could see what was happening and that this guy is abusive and his antics are all about control and trying to make me feel like I don’t exist to him in order to punish me for some ridiculous trivial thing that he inflated as an excuse. What normal guy would beg you to take him back and then blow up over a single photo he was given 6 months prior?! No one would, it’s just an excuse and trying it to twist it so it is the woman’s own fault for her treatment. It hurt a lot because he had been my best friend and we talked daily, and then – nothing.
I left him a message that I was sorry that there was an apparent miscommunication between us and will try to have good memories of him and left it at that. I purposefully didn’t chase after him when I realized what he was doing. He wanted to make me beg and cry and having that power makes him feel like a big man. Most likely a man like this has a history of that treatment and if he does it to you he’s probably done it to others before you and he’ll do it to others after you. Months later he finally he sent me a txt (not even a phone call which would involve a two way conversation but a txt) – which said he ‘hadn’t intended to never speak to me again’. Apparently when I didn’t beg and run after him he decided to bless me by recognizing my existence again. Yes, this is a guy who ‘loves’ me and then gave me the cold shoulder for 4 months, and right over the holidays when we’d had plans. I didnt respond. I’ve had enough. Abuse takes two to play, a victim and an abuser, and this is not a game I want to play. I am not going to be sitting for months crying in disbelief over this guy ever again.
The silent treatment is about power over the victim. A loving caring partner will care about your feelings and will want to communicate and try to reconcile differences. Your partner will want to listen to you, and will want to sort things out. He won’t give you the cold shoulder, hang up, or send you mean nasty txts at the office, he won’t turn his back on you as you cry yourself to sleep, he won’t laugh at you as you cry,
it won’t be one way conversations with him spewing accusations about imaginary offenses that he won’t allow you to discuss in a reasonable rational manner. The silent treatment is meant to hurt you, it’s meant to make you feel bad like you don’t exist, that the guy is so powerful and controlling that he can just shut you off like a light switch whenever he pleases.
Ladies, I know it is difficult because you may love your man, and he may even have some good qualities. But no one deserves to be abused or treated like they don’t exist. Communication is the heart of a relationship. If your partner is refusing to recognize you, he is basically trying to play a little god by saying that he has the power to turn you on and off. I read a quote somewhere and I forgot who said this, but abusive men “are like little gods, unworthy of the power they abuse”. Try to recognize that your man has issues that YOU CAN’T SOLVE. But you can do one thing, have self respect and confidence in yourself and not let him ever take it away.
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What a helpful and empowering site. I see there are few entries that mention the silent treatment going on for weeks. Most everyone says days, so for this reason I want to share my story.
As I write my husband and I are on week 4 of silence. FOUR WEEKS?! I have been with my husband for 10 years and while typically he has used the silent treatment maybe twice a year, it would be over in a day or two and he would usually be the one to start talking again. THAT I could handle. This is the first time he has ever done this..4 weeks and counting. He leaves on a business trip next week for 10 days and I have no doubt his plan is to leave without saying anything to me. This would also be a first.
We are two professionals in our 40’s. While he has often been verbally abusive in “big” fights, we recently had an argument that was very different. Verbal, and although he didn’t hit me (never has), he also grabbed me and pushed me around, leaving bruises. This has been followed by 4 weeks of silence. Like many of you, it was over “nothing”. I am SHOCKED. For this to happen for the first time after 10 years together….totally shocking. I am seeing a therapist which advises the same as the author. It is important to continue your life, do things that make you happy and not play in to his emotionally abusing silence. It is not rewarding for him if you are doing just fine. I find it hard to not obsess over when he will start talking to me, or if he will divorce me. I should be thinking about whether “I” want to divorce HIM. Time to focus on ME and what I want. Not him or his childish actions. I adore him..or at least I did until he did this. Even if he gets over it, will I? Will I ever be free to hand my heart over to him again? I gave it to him and he didn’t take care of it…why would it be any different now? It won’t be is the answer. This is how he deals with problems…and it will happen again. I ask myself, “Is this how I want to live the rest of my life? Eggshells?”
I have come to believe that the first 8 years together were not that stressful for him in his job. The past two years his company is like a pressure cooker and the higher up the corporate ladder he climbs, the more stressful he becomes. I believe it is NOW that the pressure brings this out in him. NO EXCUSE.
I am sharing this because I want others to know that it CAN last for weeks and if it has to you, you are not alone. Look for signs early in your relationship and if there is any kind of abuse AT ALL, let him or her go. I am an intelligent woman who is above average when it comes to awareness of myself and others. I often thought to myself, “He’s just childish…I’m bigger than that.” and went about my merry way. But….as hard as I try, and as many rules as I know such as “focus on yourself not him”, yes it is extremely painful and gut wrenching to receive the silent treatment.
As he stays silent and I continue to live my life, and decide if “I” want a divorce (which I never thought I would be writing) I find it empowering to read spiritual books, talk to my closest friends and to educate myself about this issue in many ways, one of which is on sites such as this. Some sites are a little “out there” so keep reading and searching for the ones that reach out to you. Know that you are not alone. And in the meantime, go treat yourself to a manicure or “treat of choice”! It’s about YOU!
Much love to everyone in this situation. It is painful because we love them. But it is important to love ourselves more.
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Okay….. First of all, I too am happy to have found this site. Howbwer, the resounding thing that I noticed is that all of you are women! (For all I know, one of you may be my wife of 25 years!)
So… yes… I am the husband, whom accordidng to most all of you above, am the root cause of all my silent treatment with my own wife and 100% responsible for it all. Well, I hope you will listen when I tell you my story and I will tell you right now…I am 50% responsible for the silentreatments the I give/receiving in our reltationship. Whew, there..I said it! Don’t be upset when I tell you that I did not see/hear anyone of you take any responsibility for your silent treatment situations and durations.
Yes, I’m a proud, hardworking, loving husband and father of two awesome kids and I really love my wife and believe she loves me as much too. (Why else would we have dated for 4 years and stay married for 25 + additional years!) My wife is also a hard working, proud and loving wife too. We share one trait I did not mention… we are both very stubborn! ( As I’m typing this, I’m coming to this revelation!)
For all the years that we’ve been together, we have had an average of about two “Silent Treatments” per year. Here’s how it “plays” out each and every time: We’ll have an event or somthing said/done that will bet the “ignitor” of what is to follow. While the “ignitor” can vary, everything that happens afterwards will always be the same. I will most certainly and I admit clearly, that I will be upset/angered and inevitably not want to be around her, never mind talk to her or be talked at/to by her. I admit it, ok”, that I need to vent in my owm private way. I have never and never will lay a finger or even a hair on her. I’l admit that we have often come to name calling at each other though. Some of you might cry ” that’s verbal abuse!” but I say “thats harsh and not realistic” C’mon… who doesn’t get angry and vent by callinng one another an A-hole or whatnot? She calls me as many bad names as I’ve ever called her and she knows it!
At any rate, here’s what I really want to tell you… While I’m admittingly being quiet and avoiding her while I’m “venting”, I don’t think or feel for one minute that I’m “hurting” or “punishing her”. I’m doing it instinctly! But here’s the part that I haven’t read in any of your situations… MY WIFE IS ALSO DOING THE SAME THING! She avoids me, doesn’t talk ot me, gibves me evil looks when we pass each other in the same room etc…!
Now, because we are both proud and stubborn, when things cool down (and yes, sometimes it goes a week), It becomes a head game of who is gonna “Weaken” and admit that it’s there fault, and that they’re the one who says “I’m sorry” and ultimately make the first “move” to patch things up and End the silence? Well… I’m hear to tell you that that someone is ALWAYS ME!
The “Good” sid eto this is that the silence and head game is over and that always ends up in a pasinate night of love making. THe down side of it (for me anyway) is that since I am always the one to concede and give-in and be the one to end the silent treatment, then I am perceived as ” THe one who GIVES silent trweatments” and is/was at fault! So the next time this cycle reapeats itself, I amd “Obviously the one who is “Giving the silent treatment” which is absolutely FALSE! Like I said, I’ll take the responsiblility for HALF the silence, but SHE clearly is responsible for the remaining HALF! ANd my “Prize” that I ALWays have to silently swallow is that I always have to “end it” and hence be the fall guy.
Ladies, I feel for you when you are getting the “Silent Treatment” from your man. BUt are anyone of you (or anyone else who is a new reader of this thread on this website) contributing to an understanding what I am experiencing and having to go through? I’m not venting here, just being as honest as I can be. Please, I’d like to hear your honesty as well.
Oh yeah, and guys, if your reading this, please chime in with your HONEST response/experiences.
Thank you!
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My Husband & I have been Married for 15 years. Well the first 2 or 3, were pretty Good, of course we had our fights & disagreements, but we got over them. Over time though the dinamic changed, he actually started physically abusing me, after about the third incident, I left & stayed at my Sister’s house for a few days, of course he begged me to come back, we had twins at that time, so I decided to return, on the condition that he never lay another hand on me again, or else I would leave for Good. My Dad became sick with Cancer a year or two later & I had made a Promise to him that I would Kiss him Goodbye on the Forehead after he had died, he died in his Bed at Home. I did keep my Promise, but was haunted by it for a long while after & started having Panic Attacks whenever I went to bed at Night. As I now had three Kids to look after, I found when I lay on the Couch of a Night & watched TV I would drift off to Sleep & once I’m Asleep…. I’m ASLEEP. I always apologised to my Husband for not coming to Bed, as I wasn’t deliberatly doing it too hurt him, I noticed though that ever time I fell asleep on the couch & did not go to bed, he would give me the Silent Treatment, for a while I guess I deserved it. I did end up going to the Doctor who diagnosed me with Panic Disorder, brought about by the stress I was under over my Father’s illness & passing. I have managed to overcome the fear of dying in bed, but still do occassionally fall asleep on the Couch. The one thing that hasn’t Changed though is the Silent Treatment, I get it all the Time, whether I’ve gone to Bed or Not!!! Everytime I have tried to tell him, how Worthless & Invisible & Loney he makes me feel, he always blames me as I’m the once that doesn’t always Sleep in the same Bed as Him, so I get what I deserve. I have been putting up with this for Years now & it has slowly destroyed my Soul. I’m a very Loving caring person, who would do anything for anyone if they Needed me.I even drove him around for the first 10 years of our Marriage as he Lost his Licence Drink Driving for two years & didn’t bother to get it Back up until 3 yrs ago. I work 4 days a week to help with the Mortgage & do all that I can to help take the Load of him Finacially, it seems nothing I do is ever gonna be good enough. He never tells me he loves me, shows affection or says a Kind word. My Dog show me more Love & Affection than him. The thing that hurts me most though is he will only touch me in the Bed & it’s only to get his Own Pleasure. He never asks if I’m Satisfied. I have often cried myself to sleep & wanted to kick myself for letting him touch me at all, especially because of the way he treats me. I am not saying that I don’t have Faults I am not a Perfect Human Being, by any means, but the Longer I stay in this Relationship the more it’s Destroying me. I would love to just Leave, but finacially cannot afford too & have 3 Children to Consider. I just want to know can they ever be Cured or am I asking for a Miracle!!!
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Like so many others, I am so glad I found this website and read all the stories so similar to mine. I’ve bben in a relationship with the “silent treatment manipulator” for 3 years now. I know he learned this behavior from his father because he tells me how his father used to treat his mother. Even so, he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with behaving this way (he is 51 years old and I am 50). I think it’s childish. It is so easy to get caught up in the feeling that the relationship is always up to me to fix because he makes me feel like everything is my fault. And I’ve made the mistake many, many times of running to him and trying to get him to talk so we can resolve whatever the issue he has chosen for the month is. I don’t like conflict hanging over my head. When I get the silent treatment, I am so hurt I always tell him I don’t want to be in the relationship any longer, but then make the mistake of missing him a month later and going back. I’ve taught him that it’s okay for him to continually treat me this way, blame me for everything, and that I will always apologive (even when I KNOW it’s not my fault) for the sake of our “relationship”. No more. I told him today I don’t deserve the way he treats me and that I am going to now focous on my OWN happiness. He is a manipulator. After reading all the posts here, I have realized that the problem is not mine to fix. Good luck to him.
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Hello all. I feel so frusterated rught now because its like here we go again. My boyfriend of 3 years is ignoring me again today because my ex facebooked me and I facebooked him back. Wow what a crime. Why was he even reading my stuff? I tried calling him and texting him all day but he just refuses to respond. I even resorted to name calling which just makes me seem crazy. I feel sick to my stomach and scared because I dont know how long this bout will last, once it was for over a month. I also feel scared because when he does come home he will probably try to kick me out and I have no where to go. He does this sometimes. I dont have much money and I dont know what to do. He will act like I am invisible and woop it up with his friends and walk around singing and whistling while I hide out in the bedroom because it is just so unbearable. I am trapped and I see no way out. The car is insured under him, and I feel powerless to do anything but just ride it out for how ever long.
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Just to note he is 42 and I am 38.
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So this is Day 3 of Silent treatment.. my boyfriend and I have been together of what will be 2years 1wk from today..we live together half the year, the other year we are long distance, as we live in different cities. right now we’re living apart,
So we had a fight the other day, why? because I called him and confronted him on something and he didnt appreciate it, so he hung up on me. Which i felt was completely disrespectful. So I wrote him this long email the next day, pouring out my feelings, telling him how hurt and frustrated I am and sure enough his response was “silence”.
Its only day 3 and i say “only” because he has gone for as long as 8 days. And Im always the one to break the silence. because im so anti-silent treatment. How do i do this ?? well…in order for me to get a response I will have to approach him and take full or partial responsibilty for the fight. Once he gets that, he speaks almost immediately and we move on.
The problem is everytime he does this i feel so resentful and vindictive towards him, . Especially because whenever we do begin to talk about the fight, i express just how how much his silence hurts me. He even agreed that he would stop this destructive habit and communicate no matter how upset or mad. So now Ive completely lost trust in his word, because 3weeks after he promised he would stop this behavior,sure enough ive upset him and now he’s right back at it. and while this site is comforting to know that im not alone, the only solution it suggests is doing your own thing and focusing on yourself. Well Ive tried ignoring, doing my own thing, going out with girlfriends, etc. even went as far as threatened to leave him, even resorted to putting him down by telling him to grow up , etc. Nothing works, and while im ignoring him Im happy temporarily, im still left feeling sad and alone with this pain in my heart at what he’s doing to us. I dont know how he can go to sleep every night acting like i dont exist. I refuse to contact him this time, because i truly believe hes doing it to hurt me, and like mentioned its all about control. he knows its the one thing that really gets to me, so he makes sure he does it to “teach me a lesson”. It is his form of punishment. When im living with him, he does silent treatment and sometimes he wont come home at night and i have no idea where he is or whats hes doing. when im away from him and we fight, he just disappears. When i ask him why he does this his says he’s “cooling off”. I can understand hours to coll off but not days!!!!! I really think its mean cold and manipulative not to mention infantile. whats even worse is that he doesnt care when he does it, he will even do it on special occassions,or important days, like christmas, or new years. or like right now when our 2yr anniversary is in 6days. and we’re supposed to be planning a romantic get away..I would never do this to him, no matter how upset i am. Never. He got me really angry 2 days before his birthday, and i put my anger aside and still made the best of it. Not him, he could careless.
They say give people a taste of their own medicine, and do the same to them, so they know what it feels like. So i tried that too. And what Ive noticed is that if I ever give him silent treatment, he cant handle it, he gets very upset at the fact that he’s the one being ignored. So i realized its really all just a game. a Power play. whoever gives in first “loses”. Its really destructive, and from what Ive read here, destroys relationships. A friend of mine, is now getting divorced because she didnt speak to her husband for 1 month. Even though I advised her not to do that. Now its over. she is devastated and she regrets playing the silent game with him.
honestly im tired of being the “bigger person” Im tired of forcing him to talk, giving him space or walking on eggshells not being able to speak my mind for fear of being punished with silence.
He did this in his previous relationships too. and he obviously doesnt care to stop it. He’s leaving me no choice but to walk away..this is no way to live. I love him so much
But I cant even imagine being married to him and having to deal with this, its torture.
Literally.
Im so hurt and so frustrated, I can relate everyone’s pain here.
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I feel so relieved knowing that i am not alone. I have been dating a long time friend of mine for about a year now. We have not gone public with our relationship because of his former long time partner. She wants to be with him and will do anything to have him back .He is also fearful that telling her the truth will motivate her to commit suicide or thats what she makes him believe….. He has given me the silent treatment before for about two months. It was the most difficult period and i was on the verge of giving up. However, with countless persuasion of initiating contact to converse, he eventually open up and everything was fine until now….Its been almost one month now since he is giving me the cold shoulder. I can vividly remember when it started. It was a particular weekend wwhen i wanted to attend a show but he said that he could not and so although disappointed i let it go. However, that particular evening he called to say that he will be going to the area where that particular show was being held and thats when i exploded and reacted foolishly by lashing out my feelings. Thats when it began……….i couldnot handled it and so i called him a week later to talk but he ignored me so i called his phone many times in one moment……… the following weekend we met at a karaoke and so i decided to ask him to take me home but prior to this….i placed my arms around him and he got really upset………….because he does not want our relationship to go public as yet because of his concerns for his ex girlfriend……….the silent treatment continues……
It is affecting me badly, i cant sleep eat or concentrate………….I feel so hurt that i feel like i dont want to be alive…….. I really dont know what to do …….
Should i make every effort to communicate or give him the silent treatment in return.
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I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. We are very committed to each other and he often talks about marriage. Our problem is he gives the Silent Treatment when things dont’ go his way or I make him mad….I have warned him about this and we discussed it a few times. We both agreed that if either one of us needed to cool off, we would not go any longer then 1 full day. Well, 27 days ago, he got “mad” at me over a comment I made, (he deserved it) and boom, silent treatment. For 23 days I did not call, text, email NOTHING…. Im sure he is shocked, becauseI am a comminicator, I am very easy going and easy to get a long with, If there is a problem I talk about the problem for a minute and discuss the resolution and go on, done…I always go to him and we will work out the problem, after I beg him to talk to me…..and so on… anyway…. yesterday, day 26 I gave him a letter of goodbye. It was very nice, classy and I was sure not to tarnish my character. I simply cannot take the silent treatment. I am a loving, caring yet strong women. I would never treat anyone that I love like that, not even someone I didn’t love. We live in the same neighborhood and I have seen him some, but look the other way. After I gave him the letter, he sent over a gift and card for me for Mothers Day,,, yes, his silent treatments lasted through Easter & Mothers Day. Thats sorry…..Im sure he’s thinking about things, but I think Im letting him go on his way.
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My husband of 28 years, slept out in the garage, never made contact with me for almost 2 months this time last year. Over the years this usually happened once a year or every other, now it was happening every six months and it was becoming more than I could mentally or physically stand. It was horrible, but he seemed to not have a problem with it. He went on with his daily doings as always. About this time last year I had finally taken that step and said “Enough of the Silent Treatment” I went to a therapist, tried to be strong, got my life in somewhat of order, planned to devorce and move on with my life. However, for some crazy reason, once again, my mind was persuaded into giving our marriage another chance and yes, what a dumb ass I am, but I said I would give it the summer and here I am, an entire year later and nothing has changed. We went to a marriage counselor once – the husband didn’t think it was necessary after that. He didn’t think he had or has a gambling problem, but in reality that is one of the biggest issues we were and still are having is his gambling and his selfishness. We have three adult children and last year only our youngest was at home for the summer, however this summer, two of the three will be home and its very hard for me to hide all the tears and anger and etc. To sum up a long story short, as long as my husband has his way, everything is fine, but the minute I speak my piece or concerns, than there is hell to pay. Not physically,but mentally. He knows that the silent treatment breaks my heart and he continues to do it night after night… A good example of his tricks of the trade are: On a Friday, we were both scheduled to be off early from work and he chose to go to a casino with his sister and I ended up staying at home. He was gone from 12:00 noon until 1:30 in the morning. Never called or anything and spent $150, came home and didn’t think I should be upset. Next day, it was whatever I wanted to do, so long as we did it before 1:00 pm because he had card games to play ( another form of gambling by the way). So we went out for breakfast and back home we were. But we could do whatever I wanted as soon as he was done at 5:00 pm. So he called at that time and I said his cousin called and said we should me him at a family wedding so we went, but he could not drink or have any fun because he had to drive, so he was only there for me, not for him, his cousin or his family, only me. So the entire not was for me you see, so he put in his time, you see, he really doesn’t spend time with me, he just puts his time in so he can say he did, than he can go do the stuff he really wants to do. But, I will pay one way or another, so, that night, I had to put out, cuz poor guy didn’t have any fun, next day went fishing, and than we had to go to the casino and didn’t get home until 1:30 the next morning and I have to get up for work @ 5:30 but does that matter – nope sure doesn’t and when I mentioned that we shouldn’t be spending $250, since we had spent $250 last week and he spent $150 on Friday, he said “Screw it and hasn’t talked to me since. I hate that I break down and cry, but my heart hurts so bad that it physically burns… He promised me last year after the long silent treatment that he would never do this to me again, but here I sit, into week one of many weeks to come of the “Great Husband Silent Treatment” for weeks, months, etc… What am I to do? I can’t afford to leave him. I don’t want to leave him because I do love him, but at the same time I hate him, he’s such a jerk. He doesn’t care that I cry myself to sleep every night, it doesn’t bother him in the least, usually by the time I go to be he is snoring away. I am so tired of telling co-workers, family and friends that my allergies are bothering me again because my eyes are swollen and blood shot, and nose is red. How do i become the cold-hearted person that he is? It took me so long to trust him again and now he distroyed that trust and I am not sure I will be able to ever find it again. Why doesn’t it seem to matter to him? Why doesn’t it matter that every day that goes by is a day lost for us? I just don’t understand. Please give me answers on how to cope. I have a very stressful job and I am so tired and sad, not sure how long I can keep up with this ……
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To Roberto: I do see your side of it too. I will fully admit to my side of things, but my situation is a little different than yours seems to be and I believe most of the women posting on here are experiencing the crap end of it from the men in their lives! I have been in my relationship for 2 1/2 years and it has been a very difficult, long distance relationship. We became engaged at the beginning of this year and I plan to move with him in 3 months so that we can live a “normal” life together…but he is making my decision extremely difficult. We currently live 120 miles apart and for the entire relationship my fiance has drove to stay with me almost every single weekend (except when I drive there or when he’s busy being mad at me, which is exactly what happened this past weekend).
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I am in a long distance relationship with my man — which makes the Silent Treatment very difficult — it’s very easy to get upset and angry and hang up the phone and disappear for weeks at a time. He is a very sweet, loving, sensitive man and we love each other very much, but when he is stressed (he is also in a very difficult time in his life now) or upset he withdraws. When this first happened I didn’t know what to do. He wouldn’t respond to emails and I didn’t call him because, frankly, I was afraid of hearing rejection. Unfortunately, because being ignored is one of my big buttons (my mother would do this to me) I would write nasty, break up emails. Then I couldn’t take it and would finally call him and he would act like everything was fine. Oh we would talk about how it makes me feel and he would explain his reasonings, but then — again it would happen. One week ago today, I got angry with him about something. I didn’t yell I just let him know that something he was doing was upsetting me. I could feel myself getting emotional so I said “Have a great birthday (yes, it was his birthday), I love you and we will talk later.” An hour later I emailed to say that I was sorry to fight with him on his birthday and I do wish him a happy birthday. He has been having problems with his computer so I haven’t seen him on FB since last Wed. I acted like everything was ok. I sent him an email saying that I think we fell into the LDR trap and that we need to be more sensitive to each other and more communicative. I posted some funny things on his FB page and have not sent the usual hostile angry emails I usually send. I’m not even sure he is getting any of my missives because I do think his computer is down. Now, of course, he could call and tell me his computer is down — which he would usually do — so I can only assume that he is Silent Treating me again. My concern is that since I was the one who got off the phone — is it my place to call him. A I in some way giving HIM the Silent Treatment? But, I’m always the one to fix things. This time I am just going to disengage myself from it. Not to punish him, I hope, but to no longer reward his bad behavior. Advise please. Thank you.
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