The Silent Treatment is About Control (Formerly Titled “Why Do People Give the Silent Treatment?”)
*3/26/2014* This post was originally titled “Why Do People Give the Silent Treatment?” The previous title was not accurate in describing the contents of this post, since this post is really about only one aspect of the silent treatment: control. This post is directed toward the person on the receiving end of the silent treatment and how they can gain a sense of control for themselves. What I haven’t addressed here is why the person giving the silent treatment feels the need to be in control.
I have received feedback from people who give the silent treatment because they feel that it is the only way to keep the peace in a relationship, or because they feel they have no other choice. I address this part of the silent treatment in this new post titled “When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option” and I have partially addressed this dynamic in another post called “Swallowing the Conflict to Keep the Peace.” **
The original post about control begins here:
There are all sorts of motives for and styles of the silent treatment, but they all boil down to one commonality: people give the silent treatment because it gives them a feeling of control over the person they are treating with silence. If you ever got the silent treatment as a child, you can probably remember just how frustrated you got. I can remember getting the silent treatment from my older siblings. I’d get increasingly frustrated, trying hopelessly to get them to break the silence. This only made them more determined to keep silent. I was giving them exactly what they wanted- the loss of control over my frustrated energy. I imagine that it made them feel powerful with very little effort. All they had to do was sit quietly and watch me squirm and get heated, and lose more and more control of myself.
The silent treatment is about control. It only works if the person being given the silent treatment relinquishes control to the one being silent. The more you try to get your partner to break their silence, the more you are allowing yourself to be controlled by him or her, and the less likely it is that they will talk. After all, you are giving them exactly what they want, and you are exposing all of your vulnerability while they expose none of theirs.
As difficult as it may be, it is important not to engage in this dynamic. Give yourself the attention that you are tempted to give to your partner. Let your partner know that you are not willing to try to read his or her mind, but would be glad to talk about whatever the issue is that caused the silent treatment to begin with. The ball is no longer in your court, and it is up to your partner to pick it up. Take your attention away from this dynamic, and focus on your own feelings and needs.
More posts on the Silent Treatment:
When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option
Is It Okay for Parents to Give the Silent Treatment to Their Children?
Communicating about Taking Space in Relationship: An Alternative to the Silent Treatment
Dealing with the Silent Treatment
The Silent Treatment vs The Cooling-Off Period
Swallowing the Conflict to “Keep the Peace”
More posts that may be of interest:
Wanting the Person who Hurt You to Hurt as Much as You Do
Mind-Reading, Guessing Games, and Communication Breakdowns in Relationships
71 comments
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Thank you… Indeed a good post! It helps me much and reduces my pain a lot.
I am fighting against silent treatment given by my partner ..Now it has been 3 weeks and so touturing for me.. I don’t know where to turn to and just helpless..
Thanks again..
Li Hua
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Hi Li
I really know what you are going through. My partner gives me the silent treatment every so often. It started with a day or to and gradually progressed. The last episode was for 3 months!! It was hard to deal with for so long but I have become immune to it. It has been a year and 3 months since the last bout and low and behold this morning , a dissagreement occured and now the silent treatment has begun.
My advice to you is get on with your life, do everything you would normally do just without him. Go and see friends just get on with your life and show him that it will not stop you functioning and that he is not in control. Since doing this I feel my partner has realised that he does not affect me any more and has happened less often.
I remember feeling sooo bad, there was nowhere else to go but up.
Hope this helps you, it worked for me.
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I’m so glad to find your posts about the silent treatment. I have been involved with a man who seems to always resort to the silent treatment, usually in response to my disappointment over his behavior — he makes plans and promises, but seldom keeps them for a wide variety of reasons (most of which tend to be perceived by me as excuses).
I’ve finally resolved to figure out how best to deal with this, so I was searching for articles about the silent treatment. Your posts described a lot that I could relate to, most especially the feeling of desperately want to fix this. I see that all my attempts (ranging from begging him to talk to being angry) are doing nothing but feeding his sense of power. I’ve long felt that he was behaving in unhealthy ways, but have made many excuses for his poor treatment of me.
I made a decision earlier today that it was not acceptable for him to silence me in this way and I am going to hand the responsibility I’ve taken for his inability to communicate back over to him. It isn’t my fault or problem to fix, it is his. Thank you for your post. Its very helpful for the situation I find myself in.
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I am new to being given the silent treatment. There is a large age gap between me and my partner and he doesnt approve of me going out and coming home late. Ive had the silent treatment for 3 days because of a 2 hour outing. To get past it I go out more but this just makes him worse and fuels the fire. Any advice would be great.
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Li hua or thankful to read this: would you be able to email me? I need to talk to someone about this………. kathleen175@gmail.com
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I am now being given the silent treatment as well. and it has not been the first time. In fact whenever he is displeased or angry, i would be given the silent treatment. I would like to know what is the best way to deal with it. Previously i would give in and beg for forgiveness and he doesnt respond either.
However now it has been one day, and i didnt contact him since he just left during a date.I think it is a very rude behavior. I know you mentioned not to be engaged to his dynamic however i should let him know how i feel, but doesnt that means i would have contacted him first and he would have an uppherhand in controlling my emotions? Thanks. Need help desperately.
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I got together with my partner when i was 18. He was considerably older. The first time I was given silent treatment, it was a new experience as being as only child and at that age, I had never experienced the treatment. I still remember the frustration and the sheer panic and I left frantic voicemails and text messages. That silent treatment lasted 1 day – and he came crawling back and I thought it would get better.
Since then, each year it happens about 2-3 times and it’s gotten gradually “daring” – if that’s even the right word. The silent treatment went from 1 day to 2 then 3 etc until now it’s at the stage of a week. I’ve “spoken” to my older partner about this – trying my best not to sound patronising when defining it as “immature” and “inconsiderate”, but it hasn’t really stopped things.
I am currently in this silent treatment game he’s playing – and it’s shocked me how calm i’ve been for the last week. How i’ve actually gotten on with my life and laughed and been happy when a few years ago i was in the corner somewhere bawling my eyes out and clutching my phone.
It is a game. And don’t let anybody tell you that it is “acceptable”. Nothing in a relationship is acceptable if one of you feel so strongly against it. I have left my partner to his little game this time – if you put yourself out there so much just to get this in return then it’s not worth it. It’s insulting and lacking respect – and if someone has so much trouble deciding whether to feed his ego or feed your happiness then you need to realise this abuse and take yourself away somewhere where you will not feel this pain.
My heart goes out to everyone of us who has to feel this… but my patience never paid off – it’s been so many years and it’s a pattern. Your life shouldn’t be a game… and it’s up to you to make it clear that you’re not playing anymore. Good luck.
Permalink10
Well I been reading a few articles about ostracism /silent treatment, it IS in fact a form of emotional abuse, and it sucks.
I cant really remember the first time I recieved the silent treatment, I think it was in person, yeah he totally ignored me out of something lil I did, and I didnt even know what the heck happened, cause he stopped talking to me at all. Its funny cause this person acts out and you KNOW you are being ignored, so its really dumb, so I was in the same room with him and other people and i was talking to them but he wont respond or even look at me, i was like wtf? so, I cooled down and thought “he wants to play?” ok well I wont play that way, so I stopped talking to him at all or give him any attention, however I got to talk to him that same day and we got the problem solved it was all ok.
Then another time that I remember was a for like 4 days, I would call, send text the few first days, and No response.. It was the worst experience I ever felt, those days I could barely sleep, eat or even smile, eveything became so unbearable and sad. All those things that would fascinate me turned to be depressing and I would cry my self to sleep, or get super sad out of just thinking about him. It sucked, it sucked so bad 🙁 I cant even explain it, I know during the silent treatment the target will experience a threath to their four primary needs: belonging, control, self steem and meeningful excistence, so this pretty much explain the way I felt through that time, it is even worse when you love this person. Why these people have the guts to hurts us like this? Do they even care?
I have been given the silent treatment (I could dare to say) more than 8 times now, some of them for hours another 1 to 5 days. Right now I have red so much, that I honestly feel heartless, in the sense that Im so tired of the same thing that I rather not to think about it and go on with my life, If I allow myself to be hurt by this behavior the only thing Im doing is letting myself get destroyed second by second.
Its funny cause I really love this person, I mean I have been given the ST from another guys before, but It would never hurt as much as it does when my bf does it. I dont know what should I do?
Could anybody help me? is this cycle never ending? how can I stop the cycle? is there a cure or is it gonna be eternal? should I keep in this relationship?
Thanks for reading <3
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I can’t tell you how many times that I have been on the receiving end of the silent treatment. Years and Years of abuse, not just this but physical as well. However, it seems as though the silence caused more damage. I could not fight back against it as I could with a punch or a slap. All of the information that you have provided here literally brought me to tears while reading it. FINALLY… I am able to, at 45 years old, understand the truth behind it and that it really has little to do with me as a woman. This relatively new relationship has been great until quite recently and the silent treatment only lasted a few days last time. Today it has been eight days but GOD it has been the longest eight days of my life in the past four years. I am in recovery from addiction of alcohol and drugs and am trying so hard to get better and feel better about myself. I will have 4 years this March. My thoughts have always told me I deserve it somehow, I am not good enough, if only……. blah blah blah. I want to say THANK YOU. I have immediately begun to practice the “how to’s”. This morning I got up and went to work with a new and brighter outlook. Again THANK YOU!!! =)
Permalink12
Hi,
I am currently receiving the silent treatment from my partner and it is the second time in a week. Last weekend he blocked me from calling him after an argument, only to call me on Monday and beg me to call him. When we spoke on Tuesday, we supposedly resolved the issues. We agreed to try to work things out. Thursday, he left for a “business” trip to Atlanta and was totally inaccessible. I communicated that it was unacceptable, he apologized, agreed and then continued with the behavior. When I confronted him- I got ignored. I have now been ignored since yesterday afternoon. I keep waiting for him to call- I have called and texted. And I haven’t gotten a response since yesterday. I think it’s over. I can’t take it anymore. I think if I put up with this behavior, it looks like I accept it and then I set myself up for it happening again. Does anyone else feel this way? I have set a record for looking at my phone like 10 times during the same minute, as if looking at it is going to make him call and explain himself.
Permalink13
I have been given the silent treatment a couple of times before from my current partner. This time we’ve made it to day 2. It took me a whole day to get to get to the crux of what I had allegedly done. I cannot stand it. I feel like I have had a hole punched in my chest. I check my phone every 5 minutes to see if he’s contacted me. I miss him. I don’t understand how you can love someone and purposely cause them so much pain. I am seriously thinking this is a deal breaker and we’re through. Errrr! I feel so weak and vulnerable. I hate being ignored! I hate worrying about it.
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I am currently in what I call “The Doghouse” which I am finding out as being immersed in “The Silent Treatment”. So let me tell the whole story here, so maybe some of you can fully understand and offer up some advice. It’s complicated stick with me…I briefly dated my friend’s brother we’ll call him “the boy” back in high school and when I say briefly I mean just a few dates. I really liked him a lot but we were young and things didn’t work out as teens. Well skip to 8 years later..In September we began dating again and fell in love. After just 3 months of being together “the boy” needed to re-locate for a job and asked me to go with him. So I left my job, got rid of most of my belongings and moved in with him. I rely financially on him right now because I have not found a job yet in our new spot. I realize we spend a ton of time together that now that live with one another and he needs his space but I have been trying my best to make this work. Now I don’t want to criminalize him in what I’m about to say but I just don’t understand.
THE ARGUMENT: So last night we are driving in the car and his mother called to invite him to dinner with her and his sister, and he says “yeah I’ll come along” he hangs up and I say “where are you going?” he tells me about the dinner and I start getting upset because we are currently driving my car home to NYC (where as I normally keep it upstate at my Aunt’s house because we commute on the trains mostly) and now he wants to leave me without any notice, and we were supposed to get the car back to my Aunt’s together, as I have NEVER driven in the city by myself before. He accused me of not letting him do what he wants to do and I tried to explain it wasn’t a matter of me not letting him do what he wanted to do, but that I thought he had an obligation to me to help me navigate out of the city, because I was nervous and unfamiliar to drive alone. He just kept being stubborn and saying ” You’re a big girl drive yourself” and so I started YELLING because I felt like he wasn’t hearing me. He then said “now you have me regretting I even moved in you” I apologized for yelling and getting loud a few minutes later and he did not respond. I told him very kindly that I wasn’t trying to hold him back from the things he wanted to do, but that I was hurt that he made a decision that affects me without even consulting me first! He then went SILENT. The silence continued into the night. To make matters worse, he is going on a weekend trip out of state today and is not speaking to me. I tried to help him get ready for his trip this morning and pack his things and make small talk and he was NOT having it. He literally packed his stuff and said at the door “I’ll be home Sunday night” I said ” Have a safe trip” he said “I will” I said “I love you” and he said nothing and walked out the door and I will not see him for the next 5 days.
I know I was out of line for yelling and it wasn’t the best approach to explaining myself. But I apologized for getting loud and our mis-communication and he refuses to talk about it so I am at a loss. He has done this before but never remained “silent” this long, I too believed it was just his “cooling off period” but the fact that he left for a trip without saying anything makes me feel awful. I have invested Everything into this new relationship and I love him very much but have no idea how to handle a situation like this. I understand that new relationships have arguments and tiffs, we just moved in together and we have only been an official couple for 6 months. So why am I able to work through it and get over it and he just shuts me out. It makes me feel like it’s all my fault and I’m the “bad guy”. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated I want to work it out and not just leave him, he is other than this a really loving, supportive, good guy.
Permalink15
I am now in the beginning of a two-week silent treatment. We have a long distance relationship so it’s very easy for him to “disappear.” This is probably the 5th time. Before, because it was new and didn’t know what was going on so, I would panic. I would send him emails first asking what’s up; then after no response then emails of anger; then emails of “i’m ending this.” Of course, finally we would talk and I would tell him that I have no problem if he needs to “check out” for awhile (I really don’t — I do the same thing when I’m upset) but just send me a short email letting me know so that I don’t worry. That’s what I do for him when I have to “check out.” But, he refuses to give me that — I guess it’s the control he likes having. This time I didn’t send him any emails until after about 10 days and that was to tell him that he was wearing me down with this and that people can only treat you the way you let them and that I was no longer going to let him treat me this way. It’s unacceptable. Of course, no response. So today, I did send him the final “goodbye” email. I can’t do this anymore. Now, sure, there is a part of me that is hoping it will “scare” him that he’s losing me and respond, but the bigger part of me is just refusing to accept this any more. I have to be very strong and remember that nothing will change. i love him, I know he loves me but I have to love myself more. Too bad. I’m a catch. lol
Permalink16
I am currently on day 10 receiving end of the ST. We’ve been living together for a year and this isn’t the first time but it is the longest. Other times were over some small comment or something I did that I just couldn’t figure out. I would sit there thinking, “really? it’s because I said/did that?” Anyway, in December last year I found his hotmail open and I looked and saw that he had been sending and receiving emails to other women and he had an active profile on the website that we met on. When I confronted him about it he said that he was doing it on behalf of another guy. Of course I didn’t beleive him. After a day or two I said that I wanted to talk about it and deal with it. Living together, but sleeping in different rooms. I would wait every evening for him to some and speak to me, the door wide open. He would bang around the apartment. After 8 days I left. THAT made him start talking! We went to a counsellor together, and seperately and about two weeks later I moved back in with him. Since then, it’s been tough, but ok. We had some fights and he didn’t shutdown, we resolved them within 24 hours. But…10 days ago we had a fight. He lost his iphone and was stressed about that. I guess I felt his ‘mood’ was somehow directed at me. He was so weird. He ended up going out and coming back and sleeping on the couch. I sent him a text apologising ( I was distraught and so angry with myself ) and the next moring I apologised to his face. He murmured ‘don’t worry’ but left and ignored me when I said goodbye. THEN the really strange behaviour happened. I won’t go into the details , but we haven’t spolen since. I saw a counsellor and she said that I should let him know in an unthreatening way tha I am ready to speak. I wrote him a note to that effect and found it ripped in pieces in the bin the next day. I After a few days I sent him an email asking to meet somewhere to talk. He didn’t turn up. That night I sat by him on the bed and said I needed to know was he in or out of the relationship. blah blah blah. I think he fell asleep!!! So, I wrote a note and left it on his side table. Three days since then. I saw the counsellor today and she was kind of telling me to stay here and just take care of myself and try not to react to him. She felt that if I left then it would just be a reaction to his shutdown. I need to make the decision for myself. As someone said earlier, it is about power and giving him the power over whether I stay or go ISN’T what I should be focusing on. I can see this…it makes sense. But I also feel that he has sent a very clear message that he has checked out of the relationship, so what the hell am I hanging around for?? I guess I need to be sure that, if I leave and he turns around and says, “No! Don’t leave me!” that I won’t be swayed by that emotional tug.
It’s hard to give up the dream (growing old together ) and see the reality…
It’s helped me ALOT to read all your posts. Thankyou everyone…
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i am on 1 month st…wow you mean theres people out there goin through summat similar i’ve been married for 4 years and the st comes and could stay as long as 6 months, last time when i told him to pack up and get out and get lost i was promised changes and alsorts but nothing really changed.i just get on with my life and he does as he pleases.
Permalink18
Hello, thanks a lot for all the explanations on ST and the readers comments. I am experiencing this attitude from someone I care for a lot. Its new to me and I couldn’t understand the reason. I went through all phases, which basically come down to accusing myself rather than helping myself. I have been sad, waiting for days, biting my nails, etc etc… doing even more harm to myself! I see how silly this is now, beause I now understand from this site that ST is most likely a game of power I have no weapons to fight against.
So little Step 1 from now on will be: To accept I am hurt and not to condemn but instead to help myself by trying to tell my thoughts to stop as soon as they begin speculating at why he is doing this to me. I am not in this man’s head and so I cannot know… Let’s see if it works… Best wishes,
Permalink19
Well, after reading all the comments in this blog, I felt it was important to share my little adventure. I have been married for 19 years and have experienced the ST on and off for all of those years. The confusing thing is, that when it is good, it is really good but boy, when it is bad it is bad. I am on day 8 ST currently and am surprisingly relieved that it is not just me going through this. Had I known that our marriage would be like this, I may not have gone through with it, but I am a ’till death do us part’ kind of person so instead I will look for ways to get through and not allow him that power anymore. Tormented
Permalink20
My husband and I dated for 8 years and have been married for 13 years. During our dating years we did not live together so I didn’t realize it when I was getting the silent treatment. When we had an argument, he would simply go home. If I didn’t hear from him for a few days, that was fine with me.
When we got married and started living together I saw a whole new man. I asked his father about it and he said that when my husband got angry at home he would leave and stay at my house until he became angry with me and then he would come back home. After we were married, and he became angry with me, he tried to run back home and stay but his dad told home to go back home and talk about what was bothering him with me. This is when the silent treatment began in our marriage.
Like most of you, it happens from time to time and last from 2 or 3 days and up to a month or more sometimes. He will even sleep on the sofa for weeks (which I don’t mind at all). I use to cry and yell and scream and all of that but now I just ignore it. We have 3 kids and I don’t want them to learn this abnormal behavior so I just go on with my life as normal and let him do whatever he does (which is not much of anything when he is in world). His mother says his father use to do the same thing which caused her to end the marriage so I know that this was acceptable behavior in his upbringing. NOT!
I might be a little upset when he giving me the ST but he will never know it. I refuse to give him that power over me again. It doesn’t happen as often anymore. As a matter fact, it been since the summer but as I type this comment, I am 8 days into the SILENT TREATMENT!!! I’m fine, but seems to me like he is punishing hisself by not being a part of our family.
Permalink21
My bloke manages to block me out at least once a day. I must be a ugly cow. Why have me for 3yrs just to treat me like this. After a long abusive & silent marriage this new man says it angers him I was treated that way, so why is he now doing it? He says its not me its cos he has problems in his head. Well as I see it, it must be me cos im the only one getting the silent treatment. If this ends I wouldn’t bother looking for love again cos I’ve declared myself unloveable. I guess just some of us are unloveable.
Permalink22
Hello All,
I am so glad I found this blog. I too deal with a man that uses the silent treatment to exert control over me. We have been dating off and on for the past 4 years. Everytime I question something he has done,(usually something that hurts my feelings), I can count on him cutting off communication. Sometimes it is for a day or two, sometimes a month or more. I grew up in an abusive home and feel this is yet another form of abuse. Yet I find myself making excuses for his poor behavior. I say I’m not going to plead with him to speak to me, yet I always fall into the trap of repeatedly begging for answers he will never give. I feel for all of you that have experienced this form of torture. Even if I know I should just do my own thing until he gets the message, it is not easy. I would love to talk to anyone on here that is in need of support when going through this as I know it drives me to the point of crying and wanting to scream some days because I feel it is so unjust that someone that claims to care for you could act so mean. Best of luck to all of you. Drop me a line if you want/need to talk. Keep smiling, it is all you can do some days.
Permalink23
I am currently being subjected to ST and he’s been withholding affection,for weeks now, save for some few words here and there. I hardly know how to handle it, I’ve cried, found it hard to concentrate regardless of what I’m doing. I’ve tried talking with him, but he won’t relent. He told me that my punishment would last until I’m listening to him and behaving better, but I try to please him all the time and he just won’t be pleased! I hate that he makes it sound like it’s in my control to end this, but he is the one that really has the control because he’s the one that decides if I’m being better and if he will talk to me /be affectionate again. I’ve tried every which way to cope … not talking to him, yelling at him, begging him, doing what he tells me (on the rare occasion he speaks), trying to be rational and talk calmly with him (though I fail at that last one — my emotions always get the better of me). Recently I begged him to just tell me he didn’t want to be with me anymore, instead of punishing me further, so I could be set free, but he wouldn’t. All he would say is that he never said he wanted to end it. And I don’t have the will to free myself… when it’s good, the relationship is the best in the world. I keep hoping he will relent soon, but I feel so powerless and wish I knew how to make him end it. I try to give him space, but I get so frustrated I always mess up and get emotional with him about it, which I think makes the punishment last longer.
Permalink24
i’ve been with my fiance’ for a year and half now. i was first given the silent treatment about 2 months ago. it lasted 2 days. now another started yesterday and i’m into day two. well, after reading these posts, i sent her a text saying that i need to focus on my happiness and positive attitude while she goes through this time. i’ll be ready when she’s ready to talk but i’m no mind-reader, no jedi master and have too much good things to focus on. no response yet and guess what…so what. my day will go on just like it has been…i’m going to laugh, enjoy my lunch, text my friends, work happily, etc. then i’ll go home and continue to enjoy my evening and night. this is her journey to work out. i’ve got my own journey and that make me happy. and what’s the worse that can happen as a result of this ST? she wants out. oh well, i’ll find someone who will treat me better. but it’s not about breaking up. no more reacting to other people’s drama. i’m chucking up the deuces and leaving the drama to her mama. i believe in our love…we’ll be okay. i just needed to be strong and disengage. good posts!!
Permalink25
Here I am again…5 months later. The last ST lasted 12 days. I am now on day 4 of another. I went to see the councellor again yesterday. I told her that , again, I don’t really see how what I did / said warrants this behaviour. She said he’s not in control of it. I know that I can’t change his behaviour but I can let him know how it affects me. So I sent him a message saying that what he was doing was hurting me and asking how long it was going to continue and that every minute, it was getting harder for us to re-connect. The councellor told me I have to protect myself. Stop trying to be ‘normal’. Stop initiating conversations only to have them met with one word answers and no eye contact. Stop saying goodbye to him when he walks out the door. Stop saying hello to him when he comes back in. Stop asking him if he wants some breakfast. Because everytime I do this, and he doesn’t respond, it makes me feel like shit. So…she said stop doing it. Protect yourself. Let him work it out himself. Ok…that makes sense. BUT! If I am in a relationship, why should I have to protect myself from that person? I want to be in a relationship where I feel safe to epxress how I am feeling, where I am respected and understood and treasured and desired.
Permalink26
The Silent Treatment doesn’t just start out of thin air and for no reason. The one giving the silence has been hurt over and over and over and over, and shuts down. There is nothing more to say to the abuser in the relationship. So we shut down, and shut up, trying not to get “hooked in” to the other one who is continually hurting, harming, taking advantage of, or walking all over the one giving the silent treatment. That’s how I see it. Even in the case of your older siblings … maybe they were just frustrated and had enough of a little ones crying/neediness/wanting to tag along. Silent treatments start because the person has had enough. Everyone getting the Silent Treatment in their relations need to look at themselves too, and see what are they continually doing to provoke the Silent Treatment.
Permalink27
Going through the same thing with my 54-year-old male second cousin (I am 39). He has been giving me the silent treatment for the past few months and I can’t figure out what I did wrong! Prior to this ,we’d talk daily and he was very, very nice to me. Some people have said, “He’s a jerk sometimes; just let it go and don’t take it personally”, but the fact is that I DO take this very personally. Just because he is family does not give him a free pass. My Dad in the meantime has advised me to stop trying to talk to my second cousin altogether. After all, we only see each other once a year at the family reunion and there he is on his best behavior. I just never thought my own cousin could be a snake charmer. It’s obvious that he cares about no one but himself.
Permalink28
I will add that being given the silent treatment is a form of abuse, IMHO. It’s like the victim is being told, “You’re dead; you don’t exist anymore.” I was also told by my Dad last night that this cousin practices mental abuse against his wife and constantly puts her down (something I did not know until now). I love my cousin because he is my flesh & blood, but I no longer respect him, especially after knowing this. This man almost destroyed me because I was taken by his charm and compliments, but it turns out that he was only seeking out his next victim (me). I think people who give the silent treatment get some sort of power trip from it because they know that – most of the time – they will get a reaction from the person they are abusing. In my opinion, that is just so low.
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I too am going through the ST, it is going on 5 weeks now. We do not live together any longer, so it is easier for him. I went into panic mode, I am still totally shocked by it all.
The crime certainly does not fit the punishment. All I did was call him on his bad behavior, by sending him a text, and that was when it began. Any further texts or calls placed were ignored. it was terrible. After almost 5 weeks I am numb. I need to contact him to tie up loose ends, but a part of me wants to and the other doesn’t. I am afraid I won’t know what to do if he does not respond. His son says, when he speaks of me, there is no emotion, no words, nothing,. It is seriously like I seized to exist. And that in itself is a horrible feeling.
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There is something I have discovered, though. The longer I don’t try to beg him for return of communication, the more empowered I have started to feel. I’m not giving him control of my emotions any longer and that’s a pretty big power to give to someone. I do see him once a year (every October) and I know he will be on his best behavior then around everyone else, i.e., he will “play nice”. It’s such a shame that this nice-guy act on his part is a complete charade. I was initially sad to discover that my cousin is not the man I once thought he was, but some people (even your own family sometimes) will turn on you on a dime and they don’t care. I have been grown up around strong, honest men and my Dad basically raised me all my life. In addition, I I have been married to my best friend for 18 years. I am 39-years-old and this cousin is the first man who has ever hurt me, and it had thrown me for a loop for a long, long time. I thought everything was my fault, when the fact remains that I did absolutely nothing wrong to warrant his silent treatment. He does the same thing to his sister and even his favorite cousin, but they give in to his charms again eventually. This is something I cannot do. I will be civil to him at the reunion and maybe even communicate with him via e-mail if he initiates conversation first, but I’m not going to be as eager to maintain that friendly communication because he has hurt me badly once and I know he would do it again if I let myself be vulnerable. You know what they say: What doesn’t kill you first makes you stronger.
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My now ex and I had been dating on and off for about 4years. He constantly struggles with communicating. Every year he will go into these modes where he completely shuts down and turns me off. He used to tell me he hated me prior to shutting off. Anyway. We had been (in my opinion) happy for the past 8 months and we were able to have arguments and talk things out and everything seemed to be working fine. Then this week he started not responding to my texts, we were both busy so i wasn’t concerned, i told him how it made me feel and just figured i would see him when we were less busy. He had off of work on Sunday and I had planned on seeing him. He didn’t answer my calls all morning or any of my texts. On sunday night he blocked me on facebook, twitter and google. Now all of this to me was completely random to me. It was not the first time and honestly after reading everyone’s stories I realize this is not a unique to him behavior and I feel stupid for even trying to talk to him (which i have been doing all week ). I realize I am better than this behavior and if anyone else’s stories can be related back to mine, it won’t stop even after marriage children anything. This behavior is emotionally destructive.
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OK, I know I have posted on here twice already, but I need advice. Can anyone help me? I have a reunion coming up on October 1st and there are two cousins who will be there that I don’t really care to see because of how they have hurt me, but there are at least six cousins that I DO want to see. My pain from those two cousins who hurt me is still pretty raw, especially from the one I talked about above. Should I skip out on the reunion this year? Please advise.
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Thank you for your post. It’s been a great relief to know how I can effectively deal with silent treatment given out to me by my husband, especially since I’m the sort who likes to talk things out.
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OMG, Laura (#21), your post made me so sad! You are NOT unlovable!! You have been damaged by abusive relationships but trust me, there is a way back from the pain. Unfortunately people who have been abused seem to repeat the same kind of relationships over and over again in their lives, but you can stop this cycle for yourself. This new guy is just the old guy in a different package, you must DTMFA (dump that m***f*** already!) and yes, spend some time by yourself (a good long time) to HEAL. Healing is a painful process (though not as painful as being abused) but there is light at the end of that tunnel, believe me. Recognize all the good and lovable qualities that you possess, and most of all recognize your STRENGTH to have survived this abuse. Put an end to it now, being alone is better than taking that crap – and you DESERVE BETTER. Good luck to you Laura 🙂
I meant to write more about my own experience — a past psychologically abusive relationship and also currently the Silent Treatment, which I’m beginning to recognize as another form of abuse and it makes me sad because I love a person who does this to me — will it ever end? Anyway I’m at work now and can’t write the whole “novel” at this moment, but I’ll come back to share when I have more time. I just had to reply to Laura’s post, as it broke my heart.
Take care, all
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I I am on day 3 of silent treatmet, one of many times in my 8 year relationship/6year marriage. I dared to call him out on his behaviors the other night. I am so accustomed to this manipulative behavior I am near unaffected at this point. I cannot/will not try to read his mind any longer. His immature reaction to conflict just isn’t my problem any longer. I will not give him power by controlling my emotions or scripting my day with his childish behavior. This is not about me, it is about him and his emotional bankruptcy and unwillingness to behave as an adult and use his words. So be it. I am done.
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I’m glad I attended the family reunion. It seems like me and this cousin that I described above get along fabulously in person (even in private; we tickled each other a lot like kids … I’m in my 40s and he’s in his 50s), but we tend to clash via e-mail. I have determined that I will let him contact me, not the other way around; he knows where to find me. But I still can’t figure out why we get along so well in person, like perfect chemistry, yet tend to fight via email and, on his part, he uses the silent treatment. Also, I have another male friend (former co-worker) with whom I was friends for years, got along well in person, but then he would dish out silent treatment via electronic communication, just like my cousin. This friend and I had a falling out, but after two years of not speaking, he was the one to initiate reconciliation. He has made it clear that he is my friend; he just still doesn’t choose to talk very much electronically like we used to, and I have accepted that … now I will have to learn to accept that with my cousin. Besides, my Dad told me that electronic communication is not a reliable means of communication between different personalities; in-person is so much better in those cases.
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Just grateful to have found this site but am too hurt to write right now. I’m older and trapped because I can’t afford to leave.
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I found this blog as I was researching ways to overcome my silence and shutting down in the face of emotional pain. For me, the problem is that ST is crippling my life in a myriad of ways, so I must learn to move beyond it. I read most of the posters’ comments here as well as the article. Much of it couldn’t be more wrong. (I’ll refer to people who commit ST as “STers” hereafter.)
I see in so many comments the very reason why the other person shuts down. And this article only coddles the people on the receiving end. Let me start here: you are NOT being “abused” because no one is doing anything TO you. The person is simply ignoring you, which is his/her way of controlling him/herself. Got that? Controlling him/herSELF.
I can tell you that there are certain triggers that provoke ST. LisaLee was on the money. I notice the repeated sentiment: “I messed up, but I apologized.” Really? Now who’s the one being controlling and manipulative here? You cannot merely say “sorry” and think the STer will kiss and makeup. That’s not fair. Most STers are people who process pain slowly. We need time to grieve and heal before we can approach the situation with a level head.
Many posters committed huge violations that, when I read about them, I thought, “I’d probably never speak to you again if it were me.” Why?
Trigger 1: Yelling. Many STers came from homes where people yelled as a form of control. When someone yells at me, for example, I feel like I’m seven years-old and that the yeller is like my mother. I want to hide. I feel threatened and small. IF I can forgive and move forward, I will need time to build my self-esteem back enough to face you again. And the fact that I even have to go through the emotional turmoil makes me resentful.
Rule: Resentment is the STer’s fuel.
Once I begin resenting the other person, it’s easy to slip into this cozy box of prolonged silence as the resentment continues to feed itself. It’s like hiding under the covers; it’s far more comfortable than communicating and possibly being yelled at or criticized again.
Trigger 2: Violations of trust or integrity. One poster said she read her man’s email. Regardless of what she uncovered, the fact is that she had no regard for his right to privacy and their trust in the first place. When people wrong me in ways that are flagrant and disrespectful, it’s difficult for me to tell them what I think they should already know. And if they don’t already know, I grieve more because I know the inevitable split is impending. Some people may stay in the relationship and keep the charade up for years, but resentment is already firmly rooted, and ST can come on at any time, for any (or no) reason further. Essentially, you’ve already burnt your bridge. Don’t misinterpret me, please. You don’t need to be a “mind reader” to know that you shouldn’t have opened someone’s email or that you shouldn’t use my personal life as community gossip (as one ST-receiving friend of mine did).
Trigger 3: Dramatic, demanding behavior. “Did you just text me ten times in the space of an hour?” You could have texted “please ignore me” repeatedly because that’s exactly what you just provoked. At that point, ignoring you is the only thing I can do to keep from calling you and giving you a piece of my mind for what I deem “crazy” or nagging behavior.
I never want to say something I’ll regret. This is the credo of the STer.
We don’t want to hurt you, even though you’ve hurt us; we do want to wait until you’re calm because we don’t enjoy confrontation with those close to us. Just because I’ve gone toe-to-toe with the surly chick at the grocery store before doesn’t mean I want to have to defend myself around those I love. Say what you want about our passive aggression, overtly aggressive behavior will get you nowhere. (Well, it will get you to Shut-Down City FAST.)
Many posters said they want to sit down and talk with the STer, but you’re not telling us your methods of communication. Nobody wants to sit down and hear a bunch of scathing criticisms. Do you really think I want to show up for that? I’d rather not speak to you at all if that’s where we’re going with this. I’m certainly not going to argue.
So what can you do about ST? One thing is certain: ignoring the STer is NOT your answer. In fact, it lets the STer off easy. “I *never* have to communicate with so-and-so. Good riddance!” is what I think when the other person decides to return the ST favor.
In a perfect world, the person would come to me and say: “I know that I was wrong for reading your email” (or whatever the violation), “I understand if you cannot forgive me right now, but I want to rebuild our trust because you are important to me, and I want you in my life.”
Hey, I just got a little teary typing that because–you know what? No one has ever said anything like that to me. They just continue on with their “me, me, me” ramblings. I’m left feeling like: “Wow. Not only did this person hurt me, but now this narcissist is calling ME ‘abusive’ because I don’t want to sit for his/her BS.”
Almost everyone here talks about what the STer is doing to “me”. Trigger #4: Nothing shuts an STer down like observing selfishness. Keep up the “me” act while disregarding the STer’s feelings, and you can guarantee resentment will keep the STer quiet.
I hope this helps to better someone’s understanding.
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Hi Kali-
Your comment was heartfelt and sincere, and I was also moved by your expression of what you would like from a person when you have retreated into silence. I wish I could do your post more justice, but have very little time or brainpower these days for writing, due to having a toddler and a new baby at home.
One thing I’d like to say here is that not all silence is the Silent Treatment. The ST is a specific technique that people use to punish their partner, and it often comes from a feeling of powerlessness. What you are describing sounds more like a retreat into silence because you are on the receiving end of a rather loud dynamic. You may find this post interesting: http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?p=117
I also want you to know that I do not “take sides” with commenters. Many people misunderstand my posts, and take them to be saying “ignore them, give them the ST back,” which is not at all what I am saying. Here is a post where I address this: http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?p=247
Finally, I absolutely encourage the person on the receiving end of the ST to express their concern in a caring manner, and to apologize IF they even know what they have done in the first place. So often, the person giving the ST wants their partner to read their mind, and it may not be obvious to the receiver just what they have done, so they don’t know what to apologize for. (Just for the record, blatant offenses such as reading a partner’s email are not what I am talking about). If you are interested, here is my first post on the Silent Treatment, in which I do say:
“Next, you can let your partner know that you care, and can see that something has upset them. Invite them to tell you what has upset them, and let them know that unless they tell you, there is nothing you can do for them- they may not be talking to you, but their ears are working just fine. Then, let it go as best you can.”
You can find that post here: http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?p=78
You seem like a very articulate and passionate person who is wanting to find a way to respond in relationship beyond a silent retreat. I applaud you for this and wish you the best.
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daily life is already very hard. I wonder why on earth should we make it harder by giving the one we love this kind of treatment?
Other curiousity: I’m asian, not coming from the western world. In my home country, in the contrary to the most of cases told in this blog,it is more often women who give ST to their partners. Not in the other way around.
A man doing that, in my country, will be considered “half” man.
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Kali- I don’t know if you are still here, but I was inspired by your post to write a new blog entry: http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?p=264
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Wow! Thank you Kali. My son is an STer and I get so anxious, stressed out and fearful because he has depression and social anxiety. I’m so clueless. I consistently ask him “what’s wrong?” “what did I do” “I don’t deserve this”..blah blah blah. I’m sincerely worried and want to know what I did to make him upset so I can fix it somehow. I was a yeller and I used to give him a bad time when ever “he was bad”. Thank you for letting me look into what might be going on in his mind and what he’s feeling. I truly want to be supportive and create positive experiences and feelings between us. I hope it’s not too late.
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Im sorry but Kali, I’m not one of your fans.
When my boyfriend lost his iPhone and stopped talking to ME for two weeks…please tell me, what did I do to deserve THAT? When he had to make a dinner reservation for our friends and found it difficult, because it was a busy season…he stopped talking to ME for two weeks.
Please Kali………..tell me what it was that I was doing to provoke this. Huh?
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I have now been given the silent treatment for five days. My partner is a single dad and has very limited time to spend with me. I was understanding when he had his children three weeks in a row. Yet I blew up when I discovered that he was going away to visit his nephew on his one child free weekend instead of being with me…which meant I wouldn’t see him for two months straight. What kind of relationship is that? I became very emotional (I did have PMS and I can become overreactive and crazy during this time…it’s happened before) and I accused him of having another girlfriend. I was in another relationship a year ago where I encountered the same issue and that was the explanation. He flipped out, told me he doesn’t play games and I’m the only person he’s been with, and if I can’t understand that family comes first then have fun. Since then he’s refused to speak to me. I tried communicating twice…once I sent him an emoticion of a crying face, the second time this morning I texted saying I was really sorry for the things I said. Both have gone unanswered. I’m really sad. Maybe like Kali said I triggered this behavior, but I don’t feel that I deserve this. It hasn’t been all about me in this relationship…it’s been four months and I’ve always been last on his list of priorities. I’ve tried to be understanding, I’ve even loaned him money when he was short paying his ex wife. Maybe it’s best if I just let him go. I guess he’s just not that into me, as sad as that realization is making me.
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Shannon,
You don’t deserve it!!! None of us do!!!
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I have been dating my boyfriend for a few years and we have been talking about marriage. I have problems with his personality at times so not sure I want to marry him.
We had a bad arguement earlier this week. He says alot of things that frustrate me – and I just responded with anger. He lives at his own house and me at mine. He was very mad at me and I tried and tried to say I am sorry but he didnt seem to want to accept it. I drove over twice trying to talk to him and he locked me out. I called and called and twice I got him to answer the phone and he just said it was going to take him awhile to get over this…..he will not talk to me and I am the type that wants to talk everything out and get over it.
I have been so very upset. I live alone and I am so used to talkng to him. I am so glad I found this website because it is like counseling to me.
I am going to try now not to call him and let it go and live and let live. I think he loves me but just hurt about our fight. I do feel he is going to the extreme and it is like emotional abuse.
My friends say he is trying to be in “control “. We have had spats like this before but he usually gets over it in two days but this time it has been a little longer but I think it is because I have kept trying to call him all through the day and so that pushes the silent treatment out further.
All i know to do is to try to cheer my self up and think that is him and I cant make him forgive me. I will pray about it also.
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thank u to all of u ladies nd the gents wu shard their stories, ive bin cryin nd prayin about the ST im recieving its jst not the kind of pain anyone should be geting its hard but advice is to pray please ask God 4 redirection of the relationship ure in. Thank u 4 helpin me atleast i knw im not alne and glad dat u all wer brave to share wit us who are also going through this hard times.
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Since 2012 began, I decided to just simply walk away from negative situations and negative people. I haven’t heard from this second cousin in a real long time, and I don’t care anymore. To think I gave him a “pass” because he was related to me. Well, if he wants to quit being hateful, he can contact me first. Otherwise, he can f*ck off for all I care.
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My step-daughter (24) and her friends all give me the silent treatment. It is horrible. My husband doesn’t seem to believe it, even though they do the same thing to her sister! I now stay away from events where these people are because it is so uncomfortable. Additionally, both she and her mother-in-law bad mouth me behind my back…but I get to hear about it (note my sarcasm) from other family members. The Monster in Law is all smiles to my face. I can’t believe I am a grown woman and yet feel like the reject on the playground.
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I am into day 3 of ST. the situation is rather extraordinary. My person is a friend who became a lover, we have been together mutually exclusively for 6 months but he refuses to acknowledge this. He is a recovering alcoholic and sex addict, and is recently diagnosed with PTSD, OCD and I suspect Borderline Personality Disorder, a fact he let slip in a conversation over the last couple of weeks.
My ST comes by way of a series of events, our tenuous relationship, his relationship with his homegroup at AA and the tragic suicide last week of his nephew. He recently began attending SLAA (sex,love anon) meetings which has resulted in the total extinguishment of our intimate relationship, something that was unilaterally decided upon by him with no recourse for conversation by me. Im in grief over the instability of our relationship and the loss of our intimacy, so my ST punishment comes by way of behaving intimately towards him one morning last week when I stayed the night. I wasnt even going to stay but he invited me to, and yet he has taken no responsibility for placing either me or him in the situation, opting instead to comfortably blame me for all the actions taken the next morning. I love this man, I wanted to express this, but am being raged upon instead.
the whole thing is such a mess, and now Im receiving this passive aggressive ST, when I know hes being nice to other people who are trying to be supportive of his nephews death, I have especially tried as my former partner took his life as well, but Im being treated like shit. Just happy to see Im not alone in suffering from this behaviour and will be trying my hardest to take care of myself from this moment forward.
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