Throwing Rocks and Making Amends

Growing up in my neighborhood, everybody threw rocks at each other at some point, or had rocks thrown at them. It was an epidemic. One thing that we learned, though, was that once someone had been hit, the offending rock thrower had to apologize and bring some kind of gift as a means of making amends. This was the scary part, because who knew how your apology and gift would be received? Usually, by the end of the day, rock thrower and victim were fast friends playing together again.

Sometimes, an apology is not enough when we’ve hurt someone. Sometimes, we “apologize” but what we really mean is “Don’t be mad at me,”or “Get over it.” Of course, this is not an apology at all. An empty apology may calm things down for the time being, but the issue will remain unresolved, resentment will build, and there will be a more sensational sequel to the offended person’s original anger.

To truly apologize is to take a risk- we admit to being wrong, and we don’t know if the apology will be accepted. When we have wronged another, it is helpful to try to understand how our actions hurt that person. Listening without being defensive can be uncomfortable, but is very important. Acknowledging the offended person’s feelings helps them to understand that we hear them. Asking what we can do to make up for what we’ve done, and then making the amends completes the apology. Consider it resentment prevention- an apology completed with amends should help to resolve the issue more fully, so that there are no sequels.

Story Time

One of my favorite children’s writers is Arnold Lobel, with his Frog & Toad series. Frog is the more patient and disciplined of the two, and Toad is more passionate, less able to sit and wait for things. One story is about growing a garden. Frog gives Toad some seeds and shows him how to plant them. When he is finished planting, Toad shouts repeatedly, “NOW SEEDS, GROW!!!!!” until Frog rushes over and tells him that he’s scaring the seeds. So Toad decides to keep the seeds company, plays violin to them, reads them poetry, and more- until one night he falls asleep right there. When he wakes up, there are little sprouts popping up through the soil. He declares that this was very hard work, indeed.

In life, it is easy to be like Toad when we want change to happen in ourselves, in our lives. We “plant seeds” by doing hard emotional work, and we want to see the results immediately. We don’t trust that there is growth going on under the surface. If we can’t see it, it must not be happening, so we holler at ourselves to change already!

Sometimes, after sowing seeds in ourselves, doing the hard emotional work, it is good to let the seeds germinate without our scrutiny. We can learn a thing or two from Toad. Rather than scare the tender seedlings inside of us, we can give them room to grow while we lovingly create a nurturing environment for them to sprout and thrive.

Red Light, Green Light, Go!

Sometimes in traffic, when the light turns green and you start to go forward, the people next to you may be slower to notice, and you are alone in your forward motion. If you are like me, this can be disconcerting- for a second you might wonder whether you are mistaken, and whether you shouldn’t be going forward after all. Maybe you slow down, or step on the brakes for a second before recognizing that you are right, and that the others just haven’t caught on yet. The power of the other is in play here- you are doing something different, and even though it is the right thing to do, you doubt yourself just for a moment because no one else is doing it.

In life, sometimes we might feel or know something that is different than what others believe to be true about us. Perhaps there is someone who thinks less of us than we do, and refuses to acknowledge our worth. We learn to go forward feeling our worth whether they come along with us or not. Maybe we’ve decided to change our path from one we’ve been pigeonholed in, to one that truly feels right. We learn to ignore the people who demand that we stay in the pigeonhole, even though they are judging us.

When we learn to listen to ourselves, accept what is true for us, and act on this truth, we gain more of our own power. This power propels us forward in a life where we can truly thrive.

The Intolerable Speck of Dirt

Imagine a table that is covered in so much dirt, you can barely see the surface. All the specks of dirt combine to make one unified mess. Now, if you clean off that table, you might be able to see individual specks of dirt. In fact, suddenly one little speck can become intolerable to look at, because in contrast to the rest of the clean table, it really stands out. This one tiny speck could take all of your attention, and you might forget that the table was much dirtier before now.

In life, we can often get focused on the one “speck” that is bothering us while ignoring all the rest. It may be that we didn’t notice this little quality in ourselves before- maybe life was too hectic, traumatic, overwhelming in the past. We may have “cleaned up” a lot of things in our lives, but there is always something more. We can get perfectionistic, focusing on any imperfections or issues that remain, rather than looking at how far we’ve come. If we become too focused on the small things in ourselves that still aren’t perfect, they can seem much bigger than us.

We can go back to the table, notice the speck of dirt, and then expand our attention to the entirety of the table. The speck of dirt becomes much smaller when we let ourselves see just how clean the rest of the table is. We can also notice the remaining issue or imperfection in ourselves, but then expand our attention to include the entirety of our being. This one imperfection is a just a speck that we can work on, but there is so much more to us than the speck. When we shine our attention onto our true wellness, rather than latch on to the imperfection, we have a much clearer picture of how things really are.

The Dishwasher of Inevitability

As a kid, I absolutely loathed the job of emptying the dishwasher. One day, I was playing with a friend, and my mother told me to do this dreaded task. I felt that this was incredibly unfair, and voiced my opinion quite loudly. I made my arguments, I fought it, I listed all my reasons why I should not have to do this chore. My friend watched quietly for a long time, then when she saw an opening, pointed out that in the time that I’d been fighting and complaining, I could have done the job and we could be playing already. As it stood, there was no getting around the fact that my mom could outlast the temper tantrum, and that the dishwasher was still waiting for me to empty it. This was not something I could change, and my friend in all of her 6 years of age, had given me a true nugget of wisdom in her observation.

In life, there are some things that we just have to do- things we can’t get out of. It could be a confrontation that we wish we could avoid. It could be going in for a medical test, with the possibility of frightening results. Maybe there is a truth about ourselves that we are afraid to face, because it would force us to change our way of life. These inevitable, scary things are non-negotiable, and we can spend a ton of energy trying to avoid facing them, fighting the inevitable in our minds.

At some point, all this avoidance becomes dread that is felt so viscerally, it is worse than the actual task at hand. The dread and resistance grow to be such a burden, we become paralyzed. In this paralysis, the task morphs into a insurmountable hurdle. The energy consumed by dread outweighs the energy it would take to actually face and deal with that which we are dreading. As my friend said, “In all that time that you were arguing, you could have emptied the dishwasher, and we could be playing by now.” In all the time that we build up our dread, we could have faced our issue, and be reveling in the relief of having dealt with it already!

Relationships & Shoes

Once, I bought a mocha-colored pair of hiking shoes because I was in love with their color. It was a completely emotional choice. At the store, the salesperson told me that these shoes were discontinued, so they didn’t have them in a larger size. I went straight into denial about the fit- they were a little small, but I just couldn’t get over the color, so I bought them. After a hike or two, my toes were killing me. I tried some more denial tricks with the shoes, such as tying them differently, or wiggling my toes around in them-but I couldn’t pretend anymore- my feet would not condone my denial. I needed to either stop hiking altogether (unlikely) or buy new shoes, even if the new design wasn’t as yummy and chocolate as the old one.

In life, sometimes we make similar emotional choices- we fall for a person because they are beautiful, or funny, or they make us feel wanted. Maybe we fall for that person’s ideals. As we get to know them, we try to ignore the signs that she or he isn’t truly a match for us, because we just want them, or our idea of them. We may try some denial tricks. A popular one is to become focused on that person’s “potential” which is basically what we imagine this person could be, if they would only listen. Of course, potential is a myth, and tends to really be our dream of what this person would be like if they were truly our match. We think it is easier to make this person change to fit us and our idea, rather than take the risk of being alone for a while until we do find someone who fits. At some point, it becomes clear that the pain of a breakup is much better than the pain of squeezing things to fit.

We can learn from the experiences of these relationships that didn’t fit. In fact, these experiences are important. They teach us just what it is we are looking for, so that the next time, we can be more discerning and careful. When we find the relationship that truly fits, we will have endurance for the true ups and downs of a long and satisfying journey.

The Emotional Circuit Breaker

The circuit breaker panel protects a house. If there is a power surge or an overload in a zone, the breaker in that zone flips off. In old houses especially, a breaker panel can become old and worn out, and some of the breakers may no longer shut off when needed. This can be very dangerous, as the overload can result in a fire.

In life, it is good to have your own internal “circuit breaker.” Physically, if you are overdoing it, your body will give you signals such as shortness of breath, muscle pain, numbness, etc. If you listen to those signals, you might slow down or stop what you are doing, and prevent injury. If not, you may pull a muscle, get frostbite, heat stroke, etc. Emotionally, if you are overdoing it by giving too much, or not saying “no” enough, or not standing up for yourself when uncomfortable, you can burn out. It can be more difficult to understand the emotional signals on time, especially if you come from an abusive or traumatic background. It can be confusing if you have feelings of guilt when someone asks for something, or if you are worried about seeming pushy when you want to ask for something. These feelings and fears are like faulty breakers in the panel. They overwhelm your ability to “flip” to the off position, and you continue to give, or stay uncomfortable until you are overwhelmed and burnt out.

It takes time, but you can learn how to sense when you are in danger of being overwhelmed. It is often felt in your body- maybe you are holding your breath, or your stomach muscles tense up. It can also be experienced in your thoughts- someone may ask a favor, as soon as you say “yes” you become flooded with thoughts – maybe angry ones at the person who asked the favor, or maybe justifications and arguments. When you picture saying “no” you may be filled with relief. If you can learn to pause in these moments and tune into your body and mind, growing more aware of your own reactions, you will notice how your emotional self signals you to stop before you burn out. Life becomes easier when you can trust your emotional circuit breaker to do its job.

Flip-Flops

As election season heats up, I’m bracing myself for the awful black-and-white thinking that is involved in the world of campaigns. In particular, the whole concept of “flip-flopping” which basically boils down to attacking someone for changing their mind on something. If that person felt or acted one way about something years ago, then it is considered inconsistent or even hypocritical for them to have a new perspective on things.

Sometimes, we can attack ourselves in a similar manner, because we fear being seen as inconsistent, or hypocritical in some way. Maybe we were vocal in our opinion of something, and worry that if we change our mind, someone is going to criticize us. Maybe we swore off something that turned out not to be the thing that was causing us problems in the first place. Perhaps we got into a nasty fight with a friend or family member and have held a grudge long since forgetting what the fight was about. Maybe we allowed someone to step on our toes for a long time, and feel self-conscious about finally standing up for ourselves, as if we “led them on” all this time.

In any of these cases, if we live in fear of “flip-flopping,” we may be losing out on some rich life experiences. What are we stubbornly doing just because of something we felt or stated in the past? What are we missing out on because of this? It may feel humbling or vulnerable, but we can let go of old, rigid beliefs and actions that no longer suit us. This clears the path for new, rich and dynamic ways of fully living our true lives.

Cleaning out the Refrigerator

Yesterday, I decided to clean out the refrigerator, because looking inside had become a stressful experience. There was an enormous bag of turnips that came a farm we had a share with this fall. I finally admitted to myself that I really don’t like turnips at all, and try as I might, I could not make myself like them, or find a way to disguise them in a recipe. I really did try! Those turnips had been sitting there for more than two months, taking up almost an entire shelf. I felt relief tinged with a sense of defeat, when I tossed them into the compost. Then I saw other things that were never going to be used or that had gone bad, all hidden behind the giant bag of turnips. All taking up so much space that there was no longer room for new food that I would actually eat. It was as if the refrigerator had become a gigantic storage unit of guilt and obligation: if I could just make my way through this insane, enormous bag of bitter vegetables, I wouldn’t have to admit that it was a mistake to bring the bag home in the first place.

In life, there are many ways we cram our “refrigerator” because we don’t want to admit something was a mistake, or wasn’t meant to be, or has reached the limit of our abilities. Maybe there is a relationship that started out full of passion and joy, but as time went on, there was the discovery that it wasn’t a match that could last beyond the passionate stage. Maybe there is a project that overwhelmed our ability and capacity, and our energy has been tied up in something that we can’t follow through with. In both scenarios, we may have spent a painful amount of time trying to make things work in multiple ways, but it just isn’t happening.

Holding on to these things is like keeping the refrigerator crammed with food we won’t use; they take up space that could be filled by that which really feeds and fulfills us. It may take some time to sort through our feelings, to see what in our lives is actually not working, not fitting, as opposed to what is worth keeping even if it requires work. There is a difference between the struggle of squeezing things in that do not fit, and the challenge of striving to meet the bar of something or someone that does fit. Once we can sort through the difference, we can let go of that which will never truly feed us, so that we can make room for true nourishment and fulfillment.

Endings, Beginnings

The year is drawing to a close, and a new year is just days away. I don’t like New Year’s resolutions, because they tend to make us look at ourselves as if we’re not good enough, as if our lives aren’t good enough. Our accomplishments and lessons are ignored, and we focus on how we need to work hard at being better.
Instead of making resolutions, we can stop and take some time to look back at the year gone by. We can look at what we are saying goodbye to from the past year. What lessons were learned, what obstacles were overcome? We can celebrate our accomplishments, joys, and triumphs, and we can take some time to mourn that which we lost this year. What in our lives is new since this time last year? What has left us since last year?
After looking back, we can look forward. We can identify that which in our lives is already perfect, that we want to give more attention to this year. We can look at what we hope to learn more about in the coming year. What accomplishments are we looking forward to? What are we hoping to celebrate this year? What do we imagine we’ll be looking back upon at this time next year?
Any point of transition is an opportunity to reflect on just where we’ve been, and where we hope to go next. The best way to give ourselves this reflection is in a moment of stillness, where we aren’t striving for anything, but just looking.

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