Life & Therapy

Growing up in my neighborhood, everybody threw rocks at each other at some point, or had rocks thrown at them. It was an epidemic. One thing that we learned, though, was that once someone had been hit, the offending rock thrower had to apologize and bring some kind of gift as a means of making amends. This was the scary part, because who knew how your apology and gift would be received? Usually, by the end of the day, rock thrower and victim were fast friends playing together again.

Sometimes, an apology is not enough when we’ve hurt someone. Sometimes, we “apologize” but what we really mean is “Don’t be mad at me,”or “Get over it.” Of course, this is not an apology at all. An empty apology may calm things down for the time being, but the issue will remain unresolved, resentment will build, and there will be a more sensational sequel to the offended person’s original anger.

To truly apologize is to take a risk- we admit to being wrong, and we don’t know if the apology will be accepted. When we have wronged another, it is helpful to try to understand how our actions hurt that person. Listening without being defensive can be uncomfortable, but is very important. Acknowledging the offended person’s feelings helps them to understand that we hear them. Asking what we can do to make up for what we’ve done, and then making the amends completes the apology. Consider it resentment prevention- an apology completed with amends should help to resolve the issue more fully, so that there are no sequels.