The Pain of the Silent Treatment and What It Might Be Telling You
Recently, in response to my post “Dealing with the Silent Treatment” a commenter expressed frustration with being given the silent treatment, and the lack of advice in how to feel better. Here is an excerpt from the comment:
“I can’t just suddenly go about my daily life acting normal. I don’t get why you’d fake being happy. If you feel like crying, then damn well cry. If you can’t get out of bed, don’t. Faking it for whose benefit? Nobody is telling us how to feel better though.”
I do not condone faking any sort of emotion. If the silent treatment is making you miserable, those miserable feelings are telling you something very important. Feeling better may not be the goal in the short term. If you put your hand on a hot stove, you SHOULD feel pain. You should not shut your feelings down so that you can tolerate the hot stove as your hand gets singed and damaged. Emotions are the same. If you are in a relationship and your partner’s treatment of you causes you severe pain, it is time to change something, rather than ignore your inner pain until your partner starts to “behave.” The change that you decide to make may be simple if you are in a relationship that is workable- you talk to your partner and both of you agree to work on it, and that work actually happens on both sides. Alternatively, the change may be extremely difficult. You may end up leaving the relationship because it is not workable.
If you ignore your partner and pretend to be happy, you are in essence giving yourself the silent treatment, too. Instead, stop focusing on your partner’s childish behavior, and focus on your feelings and what they are telling you to do. The pain will guide you to the solution. The solution may feel confusing, frightening and difficult- a therapist can help you navigate this unfamiliar territory of your inner world. Eventually, you will feel much better, because independence from manipulative behavior feels wonderful and is possible.
See also:
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: An Experiment for You
53 comments
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When I was given the ST, I used to feel the worst emotional pain ever. I’m not sure I can adequately describe it. It felt like intense rejection, like I was a leper who was shunned, like I was disgusting, diseased, that the other person would rather be with anyone else doing anything else than to be with me. It felt like I was less than human, that I didn’t deserve love and affection. It felt like I was dying and the one person who could help me denied me help. It felt like a burning inside of my chest, like acid through my veins, I would feel it burning in my entire body. I could almost feel myself shaking on the inside. I would not only feel like this when receiving the ST, but when being rejected in general. Mind you, I only have a problem with rejection when it’s from the person I’m in love with who is supposedly in love with me as well.
I have learned to not take the ST personally. I have learned that receiving the ST is not my fault. No one deserves to be treated that way. When receiving the ST, it used to burn me that my partner would speak to other people normally, like nothing was wrong. She would only treat me like an insignificant piece of garbage. This used to hurt even more knowing she treated strangers and animals better than me. I have realized that the issue is hers. I am still working on my own emotions and reactions, I am not perfect, but I have learned so much about how to deal with it. Sometimes I still feel that intense emotional pain but I don’t dwell on it. I don’t look at myself and think “What did I do wrong?” or “What did I do now?” or have the self-dialogue that beats myself down. I have learned to brush it off and pray for her that she deals with her anger and her own issues.
I was concerned that me dealing with the pain might be a form of denial. I do not want to get to the point where I’m in a bad relationship because I learned to “ignore” the pain. But, it has allowed me to think clearer about things. If we’re in such emotional distress, we can’t make rational decisions.
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I just broke up with my boyfriend a couple of days ago, he is giving me the ST.Im tired of it, if feel hes playing games with me. I called him &texted him&he ignores me. Then when he finally texed me back he didnt like that we were supposed to get together &talk,he didnt like what I texed back. What he doesn’t understand is that I’m deeply hurt over his treatment&I want to cool off. Well I gave up in the Idiot&deleted his phone no.&all messages. This way I won’t be tempted to call or text. I wasn’t made to be treated like this. So he can go FUCK himself or play with himself cause thats what the disgusting pervert does. I feel much better now. I have thought about what he’s done and analyzed he’s problem. Let tell u ladies, they are the idiots that are to blame most of the time, if they don’t take the time to talk like grown adults.Get rid of him. Thanks to him I am I am a stronger person&too good of a woman to be treated like this.I know in heart that there is a better&respectful man for me.
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So, My husband and I get in arguments once in a while and he usually blows everything way out of proportion. I’ll ask him what’s wrong, he tells me, I usually apologize (even if I don’t feel I need to but, whatever keeps the peace) and then he doesn’t except the apology because he’s still mad. Then comes the ST. Sometimes for up to a week. He says it’s his cooling off period. I say it’s my punishment period. Then when he has finally calmed down (when he thinks I’ve been punished enough) he’ll start talking to me which usually involves me saying I’m sorry again! Like a little kid who has finally been let out of the corner and I have to go over the whole incident again just to make sure I know why I was put in the corner! Eleven years and I’ve just about had enough. I feel I have to walk on egg shells so I don’t upset him and get solded and then punished. Not sure how to handle this, he knows how much I hate the ST and there is no talking to him!! He can twist anything so that he looks like the injured party!!
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Hi Paula, i can perfectly relate to your situation. I have been through this twice My first marriage ended after 14 years and second one i am enduring to see what lies ahead. Both men have one thing in common and that is ST. Paula you need to sit relaxed and think of the good qualities that your husband might be having. I know it is extremely difficult to go through those silent periods but believe me the more you run away or run after your husband, the more the situation becomes unmanageable. Maintain absolute balance. If there is a silent period persisting between you and your husband, let him get over it. You continue normal though in your heart you might be struggling. I know pretending is very difficult but only you can bring him out of this state. Nothing works here except you hold your head high and behave absolutely normal. warning dont be in over happy mode cause this could be taken as if you dont care. Hence the BALANCE. Keep yourself engaged in work or hobbies. Dont keep on paying all your energy and attention on him. Free him mentally from your side for such ST period. This may sound difficult initially but remember Practice makes a man perfect and balance makes a woman perfect:-)
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We’re both professionals, and have been married for 17 years. From the beginning I noticed he never had much of a problem with verbal abuse. Examples: worthless, useless, idiot, stupid. The moment I want to discuss an issue, frequently I’m told, “You want to start a fight?” or “You’ve been spoiling for a fight”. I also hear from him, at times, when I express a different opinion, “Don’t argue with me”, and “Don’t contradict me”. I feel that he minimizes my qualities and feeds off of my weak points. The walking on eggs sounds familiar. He has also been given to the ST over the years of our relationship. If I complained about it in the past, he said it wasn’t punishment; he just didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I suspect he is angry that I ‘argue’ with him and insist on having my point of view heard. He doesn’t like that. If he felt I opposed him on a point, he jumped out of his seat and left the room saying “screw you.” I feel like he turns everything I want to talk about into a fight, if I pursue it beyond his all-knowing replies, and then invariably blames me for starting a ‘fight’ and ruining our relationship. Also, he talks over me (I tell him he’s like a steam roller) and attempts to ‘put me in a corner’ and lecture me. I told him to drop that technique because it becomes a scenario of POW interrogator (him) and prisoner (I). Twice while backpacking, feeling I blamed him for a fall I took into a creek or behaving other than he expects, he left me and hiked forward by himself, telling me not to follow him. I just sat down and eventually he came back to get me – I’m a city girl; there’s now way I’d easily find my way out from the woods in the middle of nowhere… so he had to. When he felt I was misbehaving and was disagreeable in his sight, or complaining of other people’s behavior (which he has always taken the side of whoever opposes me), he turned on his heel in the middle of the road (as we were taking a walk) and walked back home or wherever.
The latest ‘stunt’: I have noticed over the years the pains he takes to respect his parents, who he thinks walk on water. I have felt that if he knows how to talk to his mother respectfully, he should be able to do the same with me, as his wife. His father is domineering of his mother, the mother is a deceptive person, and they are both manipulative, with the father excusing and minimizing anything done wrong in that house. Last time when we visited them, it seemed to me that his mother was re-opening a subject I’d already told her was closed. So I lost my patience (since he and they all know I visit them without pleasure of association anymore due to the aggression and wild disrespect of his two older sisters and his father’s excuses for them and attempts at shoving them back down our throats) and spoke over her, asking her to please stop insisting. When we came home I opened the discussion with my husband, to explain why I’d said to her that. He said he knew the answer: I was a bitch. I then felt that the same should apply to his mother, if he can take that kind of liberty with his wife. So I told him I thought she was. Long story short, the next day we were leaving on a camping trip. When he walked in the kitchen in the morning I asked him what his plans were since there were some rain clouds showing. He said he didn’t know but knew he didn’t want to be cooped up with me all those hours. I said “same here”. He then left by himself with our dog. This was Wednesday morning, and he returned on Friday afternoon. ST all the way. Finally tried to talk about it by complaining of my hostile answers. Big fight again, nothing gets resolved other than it’s all my fault. He claimed it was not that he puts the parents above me, but there are things that you don’t tell certain people. That I was ‘rude’ when I talked over ‘mom’, and that I should give her a break, she’s 90 years old.” So it looks like I need to wait until I’m 90 to get respect. And also, calling ‘mom’ names or steam rollering her when she talks is not OK, but it’s ok for him to do it with me as a matter of course. Everything gets twisted to appear my fault. He gets along with everybody and that should be an example to me; not everybody thinks like me and I need to accept that. He barely stayed to hear what I wanted to tell him of his parents, and then just like his father excuses and minimizes. For just about a month now, he eats what I cook but barely says a few words. He leaves with our dog to do outdoor stuff for the day or visit mom and dad, of course. Just leaves as if it’s a hotel room.
One day recently he again got ticked off by what I was telling him. So he started lecturing me about how “normal” conversations are to take place: one person speaks, the other listens. Then the roles change. I listened to his lecture to me, but when my turn came he looked to the ceiling in exasperation, raised his arms, and walked out of the house. During this last ‘fight’ I told him about that and how he doesn’t implement what he lectures about, at which his answer was that he leaves so he doesn’t have to slug me. Do I want him to slug me?
Since I’ve pretty much repudiated his parents due to their constant manipulativeness and pressuring to accept his two older, out-of-control sisters, it’s been only excuses for them. I expected that his parents were pressuring him in my absence when he visited with them in their home, and sure enough, he tells me that “mom” tells him every time he visits, that she wants to reconcile with me before she dies. It sounds like manipulation to me, but I may be to close to the issue to discern. Another example: I don’t even have ‘good day’ with his older sister, who I know is being treated for mental issues and has a long history of aggressive and disrespectful behavior. Yet when our house was threatened by a fire a couple of months ago, first thing his mother did when we walked into her house (after my husband went back to help neighbors) was to inform me that Barbara (the one mentioned above) offered her horse trailer to help us move. I told her, ‘no thank you; I wouldn’t even consider it.” When my husband walked in a few hours later, first thing out of her mouth was to inform him that Barbara offered her trailer. I told her, “You’ve said that earlier, and the answer was ‘no'”. She just looked to the floor and chuckled. A few weeks later, I brought this up with my husband and told him that in my judgement she, like his father, had their agenda or forced reconciliation between me and her borderline psychopathic daughter, and didn’t even consider that if he had said “yes” to the “help” offer she would be putting a wedge between us. He immediately defended it, that she is not the kind of person to have agendas, that it was just plain, normal conversation: his mother listened to his report of what was happening back home with the fire, and she in her turn told her what ‘she’ knew. I feel like my assessment was correct and that he consistently discredits my feelings and perceptions. What’s going on here?
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Hello, I have been ready with interest your discussions on ST. I am 75 years old and deeply in love with my married childhood sweetheart. We are both married to disabled partners. We so long to be together but things get very intense. Every few weeks he changes completely. He tells me he cannot cope, wants me to leave him alone, and goes completely withdrawn and cold. This goes on for about a week, but he continues to ring me night and morning, eventually he comes round and is loving again. This totally devastates me and makes me quite ill whilst it is happening. I really think at this time that he is leaving me, and I feel panic and insecurity. I really dont know what to think, can anyone help me, I would be so grateful. I loved him so much in my teens and never stopped loving him. Kind regards Patricia
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Hi, I too am going through the silent treatment at the moment and can’t even begin to explain the pain it makes me feel. I believe my boyfriend suffers from bipolar even though he refuses to see a doctor. He already takes antidepressants but says they are working fine and he doesnt need to go back.
He gets so angry and hostile with me over very minor issues then he says it’s all me, I am needy, I go on, I push him etc etc. In the last month he has told me twice to f**k off, once in public, I felt so humiliated. I’ve told him how much this hurts and he says I deserve it. He then storms off back to his house. I am now on day 2 of the silent treatment with no contact at all.
He really does have a split personality, when he is in a good mood we have a fantastic life but this can be ruined in a split second by me supposidly saying something offensive or being ungrateful etc etc.
If somebody else had written this I would be thinking, you deserve better, leave him now, he will never change – but I love him so much and actually feel quite sorry for him when he is like this.
I’m not looking for advice, I just want anyone else going through this to know that they are not alone and that I totally understand how much the silent treatment hurts.
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HI
I’m in a long distance relationship for 2 years now. I think I am the more dominant in the relationship, always raising issues, often getting upset etc and often being negative. He is much more relaxed and easy going, but also somewhat selfish and immature. It has been over a week now since I have gotten home from visiting him and he has not contacted me once. Usually he emails me to say hello every morning and at some points during the week we will IM. I am scared and confused. When I left everything was lovely, funny and good. We were planning his next trip to visit me and ‘what we were going to do. I was aware that he would take some time out, which is fine, but now it’s 8 days I’m really beginning to worry. This is not the first time he has ‘disappeared’ on me and usually I will make the approach to resolve whatever the issue is. Twice this resulted in him ending it, then within a few weeks he changed his mind and we gave the relationship another go so I’m frightened to contact him in case he does this again. It’s really hard to resolve this because of the distance, I know if we were living together it would be much easier to talk and resolve whatever (if anything) is going on with him. Part of me wants to ride out this situation to see what he will do, but it’s really hard. I love him and miss him very, very much, I want to spend my life with him and am planning on moving over to live with him next Summer. So what is going on with him now and how do I handle it?
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It’s hard to see so many couples going through this terrible issue. I love my husband very much and we’ve been together for 27 years. He has always been verbally abusive. I thought my love could handle it, but it’s devasting. The angry yelling, he’s so intimidating over the smallest of things. I have tried very hard to “be good”. Do the right things, say the right things, but there’s always something i forgot to do or say. I go through this at least twice a week. I either take it or if I am hurt enough, I shut down. In comes the ST. I can’t look at him, I don’t want to speak to him. He’s not sorry, he’s never sorry. To him, I brought this on myself and should just get over it. It hurts me so much. I sleep in the guest room and sob. There is some comfort that maybe he can’t hear me crying so that’s why he doesn’t come to comfort me. But I know that’s not the case. He never comforts me. To him, my tears just irritate him. To him, when I cry, in his mind, I am acting like a child. I’ve tried to discuss emotional connections and needs. Always to no avail.
Am I punishing him with the ST. No. I just have nothing to say. Am I ignoring him to punish him, no, I just don’t want to interact with him. After days or sometimes a week, I am able to come to terms with the fact that I new this cow when I bought him so I should try again to learn to make it work. I am always the one to move on and give i another try. Yes, he has made small efforts over the years. His use of profanity has declined in that he doesn’t call me names (much). I am walking on egg shells eveyday. Trying not to upset him. He says that it is he that has to walk on egg shells not to hurt my hypersensative feelings. He always turns things around.
I have no friends, only him and his family. I do have family, but he never wanted to spend time with thim so I am somewhat alienated from them. I know that I could always go to them though. I am a strong person. I love him. What to do..
I am going to see a therapist next week. I need to understand my situation better. Am I codependent. Is he really abusive or am I too sensative. How can I deal with it better, or should I move on. If I should move on, how to let go. So much stress and sadness. My heart goes out to all of us dealing with this emotional rollercoaster.
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I got married less than a month ago and I am dealing with a 3 days old silent treatment! He´s done this before, before w got married! When everything is OK , life is wonderful! So calm and serene! Bit right now I am in severe pain! I get no answers for a” good morning”,” good night”, “hello there”……nothing! He has a 15 year old daughter (he is a widower for 14 years) . He comes home, says hi to her and just passes right by me, as if I wasn’t there! Yesterday I put my hand on his shoulder and he immediately shoved me off, saying to leave him alone! I am feeling miserable! It all started because I was supposed to get some papers signed ( as a favor for him) and I got them mixed up and signed the wrong paper! I offered immediately to sign the right ones , but there is nothing I can do! He called me names, said I was a dumb ass and has said nothing ever since! Yesterday his daughter came to our bed and everything looked great…..like if he was in a good mood……but never said a word to me……..as if I wasn’t there! Please help me! I’m newly wed……this is horrible! I feel I’m rejected, abandoned, left alone! i’m always giving him space, and I only text him to say I’m sorry, but I don’t want to bother him! I just want him to come back on it’s own……I hate fighting! If he wants space, he gets space. I just say hello when I see him, so that he knows I’m not pouting….that It will all be okay if he wants to ! But right now my pain, my sorrow, my feeling fo blam are becoming anger ( I am never angry! I hate to be angry……but thats what I’m strting to feel right now……WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!! PLEASE HELP ME
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Marta leave…There is nothing to see here. I know you are just married, but this means there is no love honor or even respect after 30 days? This marriage is already over.
I would say…I am not living like this and if you think I have to then we can get a divorce, cause you are better off on your own than putting up with that shit.
And leave. You must set boundaries and this BS is a deal breaker.
This goes for everyone on this page. ST is a power trip. Anyone on a power trip in a relationship, doesn’t actually care about the other person more than their own power or ego. The definition of love is caring for another more than oneself…they do not love you more than their own ego…ergo they don’t love you, and you are wasting your time.
This means they don’t actually care about you.They can’t not, if they behave in such an inappropriate manner.
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Kerri –
I think you may have just described me and my feelings in the first parts of your reply…in a way I have not been able to articulate. The only thing I can add is the insurmountable amount of loneliness I feel when he is in the room doing this to me (which has been for 9 months now). I feel like he’s trying to murder my personal being, yet wants my physical presence. I’ve never been or felt so confused, lonely, hollow and paralyzed in being able to sense anything – in my life.
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I’ve been married my husband for 18 years and this ST has gotten old. He has not spoken to me or responded to several text that I have sent him in 3 days now. My 17 year old son text him the first day and he replied once to him only saying where he was because he is a truck driver. I did nothing to my knowledge to set him off. In fact I was at a resturant with a group of women (we meet once a month to offer each other support) and my phone battery died. I had just spoken to him about an hour before and everything was fine. I was supposed to leave at 8:30 pm and head to work but we got busy chatting and I lost track of the time. He called my job and they told him that I hadn’t gotten there yet then he called the resturant where I was and the hostess came to the table and took me to the phone. I told him that I lost track of the time and that my phone had died and he said “no it hasn’t because it rings when I call it”, I told him again and I said that I am looking at the phone right now. Well I left the resturant about 20 minutes later and I tried to call him from a girlfriends phone to let him know that I was now on the way to work, but he didn’t answer. I also text him once I got to work and put my phone on the charger and he did not respond back. I then called several other times from work and my cell phone all throughout the night and he then turned his phone off because it started going straight to his answering machine. Saturday I called and text and apologized and did everything. Still no response. Same thing on Sunday morning. I cried throughout the night Saturday and on Sunday. Now I am back at work mid-day Monday and still no call or text yet. I’ve already told my two teenagers that I will be leaving within the next couple of weeks when I get paid. They will be coming with me because most times he doesn’t answer their calls either because he thinks that I will possibly be using their cell phones. The only reason he responded to my sons’ text is because it sounded like my son when he usually text him. The kids have obviously wittnessed this over the years because sometimes he is gone for a week at a time and does not communicate with any of us. The only way I would even consider staying with him in the future is if he gets help and I SEE s real Change! Otherwise this marriage is over!
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I’m being given the silent treatment as I type this. My husband and I have been together for almost 14 years and he’s done this from the very beginning, so I suppose I was warned, eh? Recently, things have been much better, he’s become more mellow and easier to get along with and just nicer overall. I thought we had moved on from the childishness, but apparently instead of small, frequent silent treatment periods, now it’s condensed, more emotional, bigger blow-ups.
For example, he works an earlier schedule than I and so arrives home 2 hours before me. He calls me to let me know he’s arrived. So Friday, he calls and seems angry. Immediately he demands to know what I’ve done with the water bill — it’s apparently not where we usually place it and since he’s *sure* that he’s done nothing with it, then of course it’s my fault. I kept calm and very nicely told him that I don’t remember seeing it and have definitely not done anything with it. He got very mad and told me that since it’s not there then I must have done something. I tried to restate and then told him that it was fine, we could still pay our bill. He cut me off and said of course we could still pay, I didn’t have to tell him that, he knew that already. Then … hung up on me.
I figured that in the two hours before I arrived home, everything would be over, but nope. He didn’t say hello when I walked in, so I went about my usual routine and then sat down on the couch to read for a bit. He immediately lit into me saying that if I didn’t get up immediately and help look for the bill that he would break my laptop. I told him to stop yelling; that I’d done nothing wrong. He mocked me and said that I was always saying that and it had nothing to do with it. I remained sitting trying to figure out how to help and be nice, but also not let him think that yelling would get him what he wanted. He yelled more and then began tossing his stuff around ‘looking’ for the bill. I eventually helped a bit, but really he lost it and so it would be somewhere in his stuff and usually he hates me going into his stuff, so it was all very strange. We yelled at each other a bit more, eventually I remembered that he’d opened the bill while on the phone with me one day and that he had been the one to lose it and I’d had nothing to do with it. Of course, there was no apology. He just continued to toss his things, kick boxes on the floor, and began throwing away many of his possessions.
Eventually he went to bed, without a word to me, I stayed up a bit reading and then watching a movie. I couldn’t get myself to join him in bed though…I was too hurt. So I slept on the couch. He hasn’t spoken to me all day today. I tried to begin conversations, but got no response.
I’m so hurt and fed up. I feel trapped. Obviously, he has no respect for me. How could he treat me like that if he respected and loved me? I just don’t understand. I could never do this to someone. I would feel horrible. We’re supposed to go to church in the morning. I’m not going to go out in public with him and watch him put on an act and talk to everyone else, but his own *wife*! I’m just so angry and hurt. I hate that he can so very easily make me feel like this and doubt myself over and over again. As one of the other posters said, I’m being punished and only he can release me.
Thanks for listening,
~Silent Sufferer
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hi.. im a 22year old girl.. my bf and i are going well for over a month now.. but just 3 days ago, he suddenly stopped texting and calling.. then just yesterday, he told me that he wanted some space, he’s been giving me the silent treatment ever since and its been hurting me so much. his reasons were i should love myself first before him and he also said that i should change if i still want him to come back, for we’re in a cooling off phase now.. What should i do? does he really love me? we’re just a new couple so why would he treat me this way if he really loves me..? i really need your help….thankyou
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I really enjoyed reading the articles and your comments. I am so enlightened. In essence you are saving my life from such a damaging form of abuse.
Thank you so much.
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If you are a young person in a new relationship with someone and they give you the silent treatment…RUN!…far away from them! Or do what I did, and spend 20 years taking that kind of BS until you are an empty shell of a person. Trust me, it doesn’t get better. This kind of controlling behavior that shows it’s ugly head so early in your relationship is just the tip of the iceberg. First there’s the silent treatment…then there’s disapproving body language…then there’s name calling…berating…put-downs…yelling…mocking…blaming and the list goes on. Then because they have made such an ass of themselves, they become whiny and insecure. They separate you from all your friends, because they hate that you have a life apart from them. They question you and mistrust you when you have done nothing to deserve it… Then you give up, give in and before too long you have become the lazy slut whore unfit mother psycho bitch they have convinced you that you are… Don’t wait 20 years to take that noose off your neck…don’t give anyone the opportunity to put that noose around your neck.
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I came across this blog while searching for insight on my problem. Both Paula and Alice could have been posting for me. I’ve been with my boyfriend over a year now but we fight every month or so and it’s always a little thing that starts it but he gets so angry and blows things up so much. He walked out on me 2 nights ago and we were supposed to spend a 3 day weekend together. His last words were “I’m not dealing with this weekend, see you Monday” (since we work together) and since then, he has not responded to any text or phone call. All I do when I contact him is apologize but it doesn’t matter. I didn’t do anything terrible, just said something bitchy and stupid, but now I’m getting the ST treatment for days. He knows this kills me. I am trying to see it’s just he needs to cool off but I think every time that this is the end of our relationship. The problem is we are so good together when we aren’t fighting and I love him and I don’t want to lose that. But I am not allowed even a moment of crankiness. I should say that we aren’t children – I’m 46 and probably having some hormonal crankiness and he’s 12 years younger, and just doesn’t understand women I guess.
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I am a girl of 23,i met ds military guy of 27,after 1 month break up with my ex boyfriend of 4yrs,we made so mch promises to each other,although we are both far frm each other,bt wll chat frm to time to kp the love going,i am an obsessive and clingy girlfriend because i love him so mch and i see him as my happiness,we had a heated argument about my kid sister’s picture he saw on net,he ws so jealous bcos i posted it on my wall,so i ws forced to tell him in the heat of the quarrel that he ws jealous.Although we reconciled,bt the hot feelings we use to have ws no longer there.So after our last romantic chatting on thursday last wk,he promised we wll chat the following day,i cald and texted,so when he finally picked after series of calling he told me he ws going to call me bk,so i felt so hurt and insecured and i snt him a message telling him that we are not like the way we use to be before,that i promised to change my negative attitude especially my uncontrollable anger.he texted me on saturday that he was on an external operation and that the netwrk was bad,so i replied ok cos i ws stl feeling badfor the unplanned abandonment.we did not speak to each other till yesterday,i snt him a prayer of protection and he replied,i apologized for the message i snt on friday,i cald and he ws so cold i tried talking to him and he gave me a big NO answer and ever since then he’s bn giving me the ST.i still luv him and i wnt him bk jst as the way it used to be,i cry everyday cos i can’t afford loosing him.i wnt to see if i cn start going out to visit my jst to forget about the pain and hurt .i need help because i feel like dying.
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my situation is a little different.. im the silence treatment giver…my boyfriend and i have been together for a year and 4 months im 23 and hes 25. we recently got in a fight because he promised my mom and me that he would help in lifting and putting together furniture in my bedroom. when my mom said “if you can come and help tomorrow morning at about 1030am i would appreciate it” he was like if??!! omg im for sure going to be there no worries please dont say “if” i would love to help. the night before the “furniture moving” we went out for a friends birthday and were out till 3am. so the next morning i wake up and its 1030 and i call him and he doesn’t answer then finally by 1230 he answers and says im coming … i said ooohh your in trouble because my mom was upset she had to wait for him to wake up when he promised to be there early. but his response to me sayin that was fine then i wont come, why the hell would i come if ur just gona bitch at me… i said its not me its my mom shes annoyed you said ull be here and you didnt stick to your word… so he said w.e do you want me to come or not … i said its up to you (i said that to see if he cared that he promised my mom something) he didnt say anything then i said ok well i gotta go text me when you decide… he said ok …by 2 pm i call him because i didnt get an answer and he ignored all texts and phone calls up until 7pm. by 7 he answered and acted like he did nothing wrong and said im not showin up to help u when first thing you do is scream at me… i did not scream i just sarcastically said your introuble and he said whatever i did nothing wrong i went to sleep cuz all u were doing is bitching at me so why should i help then i said BECAUSE U TOLD MY MOM YOU WOULD….he then said whatever i gotta go and hung up…. its one thing to blow me off but to blow my mom off and not see anything wrong with that pisses me off and hurts my feelings …..because hes acting like he doesnt give a rats ass about what he said or how i feel .. or what my mom asks (which is a first for him … he usually is so good with that stuff)… well anyway after getting hung up on i texted him some mean things saying to go F*** him self and hes an ass hole….no response to those until 1030 pm he texts me “so is this how were ending this relationship…im sorry i didnt come to help out today … im going to bed” and thats it …that pissed me off even more bc he doesnt even have the balls to pick up the phone and call and apologize ….i didnt respond to that text and havent heard from him all day and night the next day …..not sure if i should respond… but i think he should call and apologize and act like what he did was wrong and he truly feels bad…..instead all hes showing me is here is a lame apology which he knows i wont accept over text… the more he doesnt say anything the more i think he doesnt care to have me in his life …. what should i do … he knows im mad and this isint the first time this has happened usually im the one that apologizes even when im not wrong just so that i dont have to deal with the silence bullshit …..and when i am wrong i apologize right away kinda for the same reason and cuz i want things to be good … please help???!!
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I have been with a man for a month and he has made me feel nothing but miserable going off in huffs and not texting me and shutting me out. It is an emotional rollercoaster and since I have only known him a month I am not prepared to let this go on as it can only get worse. He calls it stubborn but I call it cruel and immature and my 9 year old grandson probably has more maturity. This silent treatment really leaves you feeling out of control which is exactly what they want and leaves you deeply hurt as you try to figure out what its all about and how someone can actually do this to you. I am not joining in his game and if its finished without a word then thats how its going to be as he does not have the mental capacity for a grown up conversation. Stand tall and be a strong independent woman and dont engage in this male power trip.
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Hi,
I met this guy P through a common friend. He’s a divorcee, with no kids. We started hanging out a lot but i admit i was giving him mix signals about my feelings.
i like him a lot and i’m fond of him. but a month ago, we had a fall out. we started to argue about patty things and he started to blame everything on me.
the fight was very intense until we stopped talking till 2 days ago. He gave me ST for almost 3 weeks. it killed me.. A LOT!!
I apologized and tried to call him but he kept ignoring me. 2 days ago we had a mutual friend’s birthday. So that was the first time we met after our fight. it was hard for me coz i had to act in front of everyone that we’re still friends. but we started with small talks and things are getting better… we are talking now. but he’s still giving me the ‘cold treatment’. i always have to initiate the conversation and it will always be a close ended convo from him…
what should i do? i know i should let him be… till he’s okay. please help me.
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Hi All,
I’ve been reading this blog because at this moment ST is exactly the treatmnet that I received from my distance bf for 3 yrs. The last we chat, everythings was OK no arguments and he often give me ST when I did something wrong or when we have arguments. Even though am the one whom always alopogise – so settle thinsg down, he will used it to punch me on my face badly, to let out all things that his not happy with me. He often give me excuse abt his work, and as so called GF I cant open my mouth to asked him anything abt his work or anything related to him. If something happen to me, am away for few days still i make an afford to send him message cause I dont want him to assume or worried, but he did not do the same, he will just go 1 or 2 weeks without even say anything – totally ST, n it hurts me badly.
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I am getting the silent treatment right before Christmas. I am upset, scared, sad and anxious about it. After reading the articles and posts it has helped me realize that this has nothing to with me. I realize that my boyfriend is not respecting me and this is the last time I will give him this power. I also find it amazing that I now realize that he sets the rules in the relationship and I follow them. He always talks about how communication is key and a relationship is 50/50 but he pulls the silent treatment whenever I guestion his behavior or let my feelings be known. I am currently receiving the silent treatment because I guestioned him about a post I saw for a dating website on FB page. It hurt me to see it there because I have known him for almost 3 years and we have been together as bf/gf for almost 2 years. He told me that he clicked on the link and it filled out a profile for him and now it is like a virus on his page. I know this is a lie because it just doesnt work like that on those websites. You have to answer at least a limited amount of guestions and agree to their terms. I would be okay if he had said that he was curious and wanted to look but instead, he lied to me. I tried to call him and text him (5 times) but he would not respond. We talk every day and he always takes my calls so I know it was intentional. I left my last call with a message stating he can call me if he wants to speak with me. I am trying now to keep myself busy and not blame myself. I am also struggling with not calling him and apologizing. I did nothing wrong and I am not going to go there. The more I wait I realize that I dont deserve to be treated like this. I am a grown woman and want us both to be able to be honest and say what is on our minds. Even if he wants to break up with me, I want to hear it so I know it is over. If he is a coward then so be it. I deserve better. Before this all happened, I ordered a Christmas gift that is due to be delivered today. I dont know if I should send him a Merry Christmas message tomorrow or give the silent treatment back. It’s all a stupid game that I could really do without especially during one of the most happiest of seasons. My heart hurts but I guess like it is said, Time Heals All Wounds.
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Wow, I’m not one to do this blog sort of thing, but I can see some merit in just getting out, and I certainly can see there’s a lot of out there like me, and it really has soothed my aching heart. Yah, I have to agree, how do they do it at Xmas? My wife’s birthday, she chose instead to go out with her girlfriends, xmas eve I spent alone, xmas day, 4 days ago she texted me while on a plane to San Francisco with her daughter, just cold hearted. I react with verbal abuse, hurting her back with stories that was gonna go on a date, blah, blah….it’s somethin I’m not proud of that I do, it’s verbal abuse I know….and it always finds me apologizing…it’s a catch 22…she gives the silent treatment, i first react with mean text, and then comes my apologies, non of which get any reply, as by this time I’m getting the silent treatment and thankfully, like many of you that have chimmed in here, it flat out devastates you….I kills, I get so depressed, isolate, feel so worthless….just many of said, “how could this person who claims to love me, be so hurtful”? Well, turn it around I suppose, I think we all know we have equal parts in what leads the other person to the silent treatment….It’s happened in our 6 year relationship countless times….but I will say this from a great deal of painful experience. A). Ones reaction to the silent treatment is critical, hurting back with hurtful texts to hurt back, then when those go unanswered, texing email calling, apologies, and finally the desperate plea, sounding needy…doesn’t work!!!! And it always seems at first, your not thinking the argument that lead to the fight it’s gonna end up being the stonewall standoff of the century….it’s hard that way…Here I am again, I’ve done exactly what I just mentioned not to do….I’m at Level C…Ground Zero, the bottom….the past two days have been the “please don’t quit on us”, “we took a vow”, “where is your heart”….I finally got an email back last night, her saying she’s not trying to hurt me by cutting off contact, it’s to remove herself from my verball abuse…as of yet I have not responded and I am going to do my best not to….which leads me to point B). She always comes back, be a week, in my case we didn’t speak for 8 months, but sure enough she showed outside my house, spying on me many times she later confessed , but…point being, she always comes back and it’s only after I completely igore he….and that is the hardest part of all. You think they are with someone else, they are dating, etc….it just drives you bonkers…..However, I never saw this stonewalling tactic as her own character defect, I only saw me as the bad guy….knowing this form of abuse is just as damaging as verbal, physical etc, sure makes this a bit more bearable. It is very immature to give someone you love the silent treatment, but it’s simply their way of avoiding conflict and their way of gaining control…..I will say this, the fact that like the blogger above, someone can be so heartless to leave you on Xmas? Is that someone you want to be with…..I am a romantic guy and anytime I have something planned, an event, holidays, birthdays, heck, funerals, I want to be with the one I love…….and to think the other person doesn’t feel the same…..? Guess that’s were I don’t have an answer……
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Ladies: Guess what? I’m going to give you my perspective on the S.T. as a 50 year old married professional. My wife resorts to the ST overtime we have any disagreement on an important topic to her. I can tell you that its an attempt to “ice” me. To shut out and close off and say…”you do not matter to me”. I know how horrible it feels. I’m a lonely guy and all i want ever is love affection and attention from her. Our family dog gets the share of that. He is male. i used to let it bother me, but quickly learned that when you feed into it, its doing exactly as she wants.
all people in my opinion who use the S.T. on their spouse or bf /gf etc. are insecure weak closed individuals. There is a significant insecurities that are at play.
its risky to tell how you feel, so they shut down. i once went to a therapist who called it “icing” she said. “your wife is icing you”. i asked why? she said because it makes her feel good, by empowering her. The irony here is that i’m such an open communicator. All i fucking want is to genuinely know how she is feeling inside, and work on fixing it if I could. She is also sexually selfish, and lazy. Its a fucking one way street ladies, and it sucks. The one who says to the other “you need therapy” is the one who actually needs it most. i’m sure that i wish i married a different personality. One who is open and honest with her feelings. Its the only way. no other. everything else is bull shit. its only a matter of time till we split. Worst is that we have 4 kids. She also uses sex as ransom. manipulative bitch. we are going to go to therapy, but unless i see and feel that she is invested emotionally and wants to change its is unfortunately over and done. I wish i could find someone who is open and talks a lot and listens and is interested in making me as happy as i want to make her. Sucks to be a sensitive guy right now. Luck is not involved babe. Its fix the problem, or get the fuck out. Life is way to fucking short to waste on a miserable person whom is manipulative, has ego issues, insecure towards YOU, but everyone else thinks their a fucking charm.
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Reading all of your comments lets me know I’m not alone. I keep reading some of your comments thinking and waiting to see if you are going to describe my man. Because it seems like we women, are all married to/dating the same man. I see there are women who go through the same torture I do. It’s tough and what to do about it? I don’t know. I do know that reading it is helpful. Thank you for writing.
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hi all, i just want to share this to someone outhere…I’m currently getting this kind of silent treatment from my pg professor. Last month he didn’t want me to go back to my country for the CNY holidays, but my parents called and needed me at home during that time. So, i went home for about 2 weeks, and since i came back last week, he doesn’t talk to me anymore, and acting deaf whenever i reported to him about my patients’ conditions, he would only give response (not to me directly either) after some other doctors in the room repeated my reports . I’ve been tried to talk and to apologize to him in his office but haven’t got a chance to do so. I”m so frustrated with this situation..
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To everyone who’s posted here about being the victim of ST and who is not married and does not have children: LEAVE. Take it from someone who’s been going through this for over 25 years: it does not get better. Unless you want to spend your whole life miserable and ruin the lives of any future children you may have (who may also end up this way themselves), just GET OUT while you can. Don’t try to be a hero; don’t listen to the promises to change or the begging. It’s all baloney and none of it will last. Just GO and find someone decent instead. I wish I read this post 25 years ago.
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I have only been married for 3-1/2 yrs, had my wife treated me this way before getting married, I would have dumped her and not thought twice… I have tried talking to her and telling her how disrespectful and demeaing the ST is, but she insists SHE’S NOT GIVING ME THE SILENT TREATMENT! Huh? 3-5 days at a time…she even says she went over a year not talking to her first husband (I didn’t actually believe her at the time)…I half wonder now if she was why he drank too much… Elsie, I have to agree with you.. It is most definately is NOT getting better…
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hello all..
i would say this blog is really helpful and i could find bits of my story here and there in your posts above. ive never known the silent treatment before until i was in a non live-in relationship with my ex 3years ago and i can say this silent treatment is one of the most destructive pain ive ever known. it would drain out all my energy, my self-esteem, self-confidence and would leave you crying helplessly for this pain to stop and to get your ex back talking to you.
he was not a bad guy,not at all in fact. i feel he only didnt know how to deal with problems.he would rush into things, feel lost and then retreat into silence. the silent treatment was given whenever someone would oppose to his ideas or just do something he would not approve. he would also avoid serious conversations by retreating. he would too often blame me for things that happened. i felt he was too scared to take responsibilities.
he was to say my boyfriend,but hardly behaved like one. he would never call or text me. it would be perfectly normal for him not to hear from me at all for 3-4days. we would meet on and off, once per week for a few hours. here i have to agree, whenever i would meet him,he was that nice and charming guy that i fell for at first.but whenever i was out of his sight, i felt i was out of his mind as well.sometimes he would go out with his friends without telling me and whenever i would call him, he would not pick up. and the silent treatment would come whenever i would complain about any of these. his silent treatment was never short, most of the time, more than 1week, sometimes going up to 1-2 months. he would refuse to take my call, reply my sms, sometimes i wonder if he ever read the sms.i guess not.he would just shut down. he would make as if i didnt existed. and merely snatching my existence was enough to drive me crazy.
i would cry myself to sleep, always wondering how to make him open up. ive tried calling, texting, emailing him but nothing would work. i never knew if the relationship was over or it was just a phase.i was always the one to apologise profusely even if it wasnot my fault.each week i would try calling and texting him, apologising. he wouldnt give in until he decides to. then he would just behave as if nothing ever happened. the problems which lead to him stonewalling would remain unresolved.
sometimes i felt my boyfriend was devoid of feelings.he was just a mechanical being. special occasions like birthdays, christmas and valentine’s day or even worse,days of sickness or pain were not enough to make him break his fast of silence. on the other hand, i am an emotional being where these are the specific times when i would want my boyfriend to be near me.
i even tried to reason with him one day, when he was in a good mood. i asked him ‘why would you stop talking all suddenly and for so long? what am i supposed to do or think when you are not talking to me?’
he told me ‘this is your punishment for whatever you said and during this time, you are supposed to reflect about what you said or did and feel sorry about it.’
i was dumbfounded! wait! punishment??
some 2years back, he gave me the dreaded cold shoulder again after blaming me for something that till now, i dont remember doing: not respecting him! this silent treatment went on and on, i would do everything to have him back talking to me. i would wake up at night and pace my room, trying to figure out what did i say exactly, but till date, i dont know.it was absolute silence from him for 5weeks in a row until my parents,who could not bear seeing my state, talked to him. from then, on and off, i would hear from him but it was still the ST. after 3months, i decided it was time for me to leave behind any bitter memories and start all over again. after 2months he came back with promises to change and never do that again. yes, a fool i was to believe that ST wont be repeated again.soon after i was receiving the same treatment for some petty issues which could have easily been resolved and forgotten.But no, my boyfriend chose the hard way.our relationship was just a cycle of monthly silent treatment, i was always walking on eggshells,never knowing exactly what will trigger the ST.
i cant tell how i put up with emotional abuse for the past 3years,maybe the love i have for him would give me hope that one day he will change. i never realised that he wont ever change unless he wants to, and i could do nothing about his behaviour.
matter worsen a few weeks back. i agree i am to be equally blamed for that fight that happened,but not totally to be blamed as he believes.again if he wanted to, this is something we could have resolved in a civilised way,but it was his decision to end the relationship after blaming me for making matter worse.it was too easy for him to cut me off from his life rather than watch out for his emotional insecurities.that night he broke up with me, i sat down and started thinking: ‘can an emotionally unstable person give me a peaceful and stable life later on? how will he cope with problems later on in life? by shutting down and putting other people’s life on hold for days,weeks,months until he decides to open up again? and if we would have planned about kids in the future, would i agree to make the kids suffer the collateral damage of the silent treatment and witness the unhealthy,disrespectful and abusive relationship of their parents.’ the answer was no, and i had to let go.
today,i am gradually healing, and maybe this breakup is a blessing in disguise for me. i wont have for bear anymore STs, atleast not from him.
i dont hate him, but i do feel sorry for him. he would usually give ST for weeks or months to the persons closest and who love him: his parents, myself, maybe his siblings. shame he would shut down on us and not enjoy the love that we could give him. all those days he spent sulking could have been spent loving and the days lost never come back..
my heart goes out to all those who have known this kind of treatment. i can see from the posts above,there are so many married persons,with kids, who have had no other option than to bear this pain.i should say it’s a heavy price paid for patience .others who are young and still have the option to leave, i can surely say, it’s difficult to leave someone whom u love, but is that someone who is giving you this heart wrenching pain and taking away your peace of mind, really worth of your love?
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Responding to Jackie’s blog… I find myself in exactly the same situation as a 42 year old with an 11 years younger boyfriend. We’ve been together for over 2 and a half years but I recognize the same behaviors you are describing after 4 months.. I kept thinking it must be the age-difference, immaturity, difficulty for him dealing with someone who is more communicative, experienced, open to discuss issues, but no. It’s him. I have friends his age and they are 10x as adult as he is. I don’t know why people are like this but emotional abusers seem to be incapable of taking responsibility for any negative feelings they have. When they have them they lash out others, actively or passively such as the silent treatment.. anything to make the other person take on responsibility for their pain and disease.
I have tried to understand, analyze and find solutions, but i am realizing more and more it can not be fixed, i can not fix him, and i am breaking myself trying. I also realize that I don’t love him deeply anymore.. yes I’m ”in love” but I notice my respect for him as diminished significantly as a result of his disrespectful and hurtful behavior.. More and more I am realizing I need to get out of the relationship no matter how difficult thinking back to those ‘honeymoon moments’ and how much I will miss them.. they always are replaced by an intense pain afterward for whatever reason that makes him feel uncomfortable. It is impossible to live a happy life being so dependent upon someone else’s mood or incapability to communicate with respect. I wish you good luck and take care.
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My hubby of 6 1/2 years is giving me ST now for 5 days! Ive lost 6 lbs and am a mess. I try not to let him see that but I feel so alone. It started over me calling him one day and him being short with me cause he was busy and annoyed I called. Needless to say I got mad he would be annoyed his wife is calling him. I got hurt and hung up, he called me back and I made the mistake of saying Im sick of this marriage! He got so upset and I told him it was all his fault and i hung up again!
I let him cool off 2 days and i stayed away from him but thats as long as I could so I called him up and asked if we could talk and he said he had nothing to say and i asked if he wanted to work it out? He said “your the one that wanted this” i apologized and said i loved him and wanted to fix things he said “what are you doing to me” “i think your playing mind games and i have nothing to say”
I love him and up till last week I have countless love letters and texts from him. Its so hard because hes my best friend! Is it possible he is just so hurt that he needs more time or can he just stop loving me that quick?
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I am currently getting the silent treatment and it hurts deep down inside. I wish that we would just get together and put everything on the table. What we need, want and require from each other. Although he has been very patient with me and my short comings, flaws and all… our communication level is really low. Neither one of us can seem to put into words the way we feel about everything. I hold nothing against him.. I pray for him all the time and no matter what he will Always be My Baby and I will Forever be his Bonnie:))
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The ST has been used in my relationship on and off for nearly four years now. Despite repeated attempts to clear the air , be nice to her, ask whats wrong, nothing seems to work. Ilove her very much, left a souless marriage with property security for her. Bet the farm on this relationship, but to no avail. Day three at the moment, and monosylabic replies to queries of concern for her health, wellbeing. Previously she will play the ST to nearly breaking up point, really testing my love and endurance and simply hug and kiss me and carry on as though nothing had ever happened. I will always love her, but I see now, that I must reclaim my life and persona and not be a slave to this one sided blackmail. Very sad, but no regrets!
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I am amazed at how many people feel this way. Until a few hours ago I thought I was over reacting. When I met my boyfriend just over a year ago I thought that the waiting and all those prayers have been answered. But I realise that as much as he is an amazing person its not possible for him to have an adult conversation about his feelings. I’d like to think of myself as a strong person but thinking back to all our fights its just a pattern that i’ve neglected to see. i’ve always been the one to give in.always grovelling for the attention.always asking what was wrong. its a sad truth to confront that he may not change. Even sadder the decision I’ll have to make if he doesnt change. thanks for sharing your stories.it really helped.
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Hi I have read so much of these comments, and yes for years I thought it was just me with the problem of being neglected or feeling so low, that even in my expression you could see i was hurt, this all started with a simple disagreement over the fact that He had a retreat to go to and that instead of him communicating that it was overnight, he just was very vague about the whole thing, and I made my point that he needs to communicate things better, however he blew up and starting yelling that he does not have to tell me anything that has to do with his job. so the story goes on from there, as he broke something on the following night when he returned from the trip and asked were the shovel was, he meant to say dusk pan, any how, I said is that what you call it, I now have the silent treatment,he does not call, or say hello as I go home and he has taken up sleeping the other room, and then the other night after me and my son came home he just left the house, so then I called and asked whats up and he said is that what I called for. BTW he is on the cell phone constantly chatting to everyone but me, and I don’t know what to do, ask I am writing this. I feel so low and beside myself and I don’t want to call him, but I am not a person who deals well with trying to figure out what I did to make him act this way.
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Finally found a guy who was (I thought) a great communicator. Starting with our first hour-long talk on the phone, six months later he’s calling and texting me every day, multiple times.But, our conversations don’t include much about our personal relationship. He’s 55, divorced with 3 kids, I’m 57, never married.He’d been opening up more and more, and our seeming ability to talk a lot led me to believe that I could let him know when something was bothering me. As it turns out, the email I sent put me into the CONE of SILENCE. Five days have passed, and not a word. Yes, I probably should have tried to talk to him in person, but I chickened out. The note contained a lot of positive comments, along with negative, but I hit a nerve,and he stopped talking. Reading the various accounts here has given me a lot of perspective. I also found this site: http://www.angermanagementresource.com/silent-treatment.html, and since this is the first time I’ve seen this side of him (he did admit that he did this to his ex, but it never crossed my mind that he could treat me this way!) I’m trying to confront the situation without making it worse. Short VM telling him I was sorry for the way I handled discussing my issues, told him I missed him, and that I hoped we could talk. I also let him know that while he may not want to talk to me right now, I am not going to stop trying to open the lines of communication. Staying positive, staying busy, and doing my best NOT to let this undermine my life. If it turns out that he won’t engage in conversation, then I guess I’ll move on. Check out the site above (no offense to this one!) and read the suggestions for dealing with the ST. Good luck everybody, and I hope that ALL of us can make the decision to walk away when/if it’s time.
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61, have MS. Got diagnosed at 57. Husband emotionally, mentally ahusive. Gives silent treatment, feel like I am at my witts end. Very depressed and feel all alone. Also have 23 year old daughter who is disabled living with us, wheelchair, camode.
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Wow reading all these responses has helped somewhat to soothe my aching heart. Unfortunately, the “silent treatment” is something that has been ingrained in our family from the beginning. When my divorced mother felt she had enough of us kids, she’d announce she was leaving us and take off in her car; we would go crazy with panic. Mind you, this started when we were still 10 y/o and under. Sometimes, she would select a child she would deign the “good one” and take them with her, leaving for unendurable hours while we wondered what would happen to us. She also perfected the silent treatment into a incredibly honed torture instrument, laughing and talking with my brothers and sisters, while seeming to not notice you were alive. Any words directed to her were unacknowledged, the light would be turned out if she left the room and you were still in it, as though you no longer existed. Then someone else would take a turn next time. Between an abusive father and this kind of passive aggressive punishment, none of us kids were very close (surprise!) The penultimate expression of her ST tendencies is that she cut me off over 20 years ago, when I was in my late teens, for reasons she w/not explain. I’ve racked my brains and even, after 9/11, sent an email to her saying with all the uncertainty in the world, never knowing if this might be the last time you have with someone, if she would like to reopen the lines of communication. She sent an impersonal email saying she would pass on my contact info to my siblings if anyone was interested in contacting me. She regularly meets with my brothers and sisters, they have holidays together, etc. When I’ve asked my sibling what in gods name I did, they seem reluctant to discuss it with me, and may never have discussed it with her or risk their own alienation. it’s like watching a warm christmas gathering while huddled outside in the snow – you are permanently alien, other, unwelcome. She has deigned, after 20 years, to finally send me impersonal holiday cards, no message, no questions about my life, etc just signing her name instead of “mom” at the bottom.
Whenever I bring this up with my sisters, they just roll their eyes and tell me to get over it. Yet, when my mother briefly ignores them, as she is wont to do, they are full of tears and pain. How quickly the empathy goes out the window when they are once again back in her good graces. Mind you, i was not the wild child; I was never involved with drugs or crime, I’ve never borrowed $, or ran up her phone bill, I’ve always held responsible, steady jobs and have been financially independent since i was 17. True, i had emotional issues, but who wouldn’t growing up in that environment, and I made sure i got the counseling I needed even with my family’s disdain over my seeking help.
And I do get on with my life. But years of this has slowly eroded a hole in my soul, like a steady acid drip. Holidays were particularly painful when I was younger, as friends and coworkers would ask if I was getting together with my family for the holidays, were curious about my family, etc. I had to make up a fiction that my parents were dead. Now that I am older, I don’t even have to field these ?s anymore, perhaps most people think my parents have passed on already.
I had and have a life that I am happy with. My mother is not at the forefront of my mind 24/7. But when the holidays roll around, or birthdays, or when I hear about the visits to my mothers house by my siblings, or hear them speaking on the phone to her, laughing with her, see her posts to their facebook pages (I was too afraid to send a friend request; another time I attempted to extend the olive branch in a phone call to her, and she said, “jean who?” I just hung up – it was too painful. By the way, I am the only “jean” she knows, and we all have the same sounding voice so there would be no mistaking my identity). When I think of her, i feel like i have been permanently erased. I once harbored the thought that we would at least be reconciled before one of us died, but I am letting that dream go. If after 20 years i am only getting impersonal holiday mail from her, will it take 20 years before she can bear to speak with me? Reconciliation is so perpetuated in fiction, movies, etc – the culture takes for granted that anything can be overcome, hearts can always be re-won, love will out, etc. but like most childish things I’ve left behind, like fairy tales and happily ever afters, I’ve learned to be an adult means to recognize not everything can be mended. If you are lucky enough to survive, and grow older, you must take the bad with the good; there will be regrets, and they must be bourne, they are part of living.
As a response to those who have written in: if this is a relationship you chose to become involved in, ie there is no familial “obligation” involved where you feel you must make the relationship work, get the f*!k out! This does NOT get better – it seems once they know the buttons to push to make you grovel, it is forever tempting to keep hitting it. There is a power play involved; and if they are just unable to make their needs or wants known, unable to communicate effectively, turn them loose so they can learn to do this properly, as an adult. May i suggest turning them loose while lovingly letting them know this is a deal breaker and why. it will sting, but they will never learn to grow beyond this maneuver as long as there is someone who stays – this will simply signal this behaviour is ok.
I have been guilty of using the ST myself in the past. I learned this technique while growing up; that if you were unable to be honest about your feelings with someone, or if you felt hurt or abandoned, that is was okay not just to totally withdraw into yourself, but even to simply physically leave without letting the other person know; just slip away. It sounds sick to me know, but at the time, i felt that I would never be missed and they would simply find someone else to replace me. While I can blame my childhood for this behaviour, there came a time when someone told me exactly how crappy this was, how terrible and selfish. Someone i really loved but was too immature emotionally to handle, and they generously told me why they were through with me. it hurt, but I learned. I couldn’t be the victim anymore – I had treated someone horribly, and they drew a line with me that has resonated to this day. I now say exactly how I feel, even though it feels insurmountable to do so. I deal with it then and there.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. It feels so good to talk out loud about these things in a forum that knows what it feels like.
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I too am suffering the silent treatment. I’ve been married for 18 years. I’ve learnt from this site to just worry about my feelings and concentrate on keeping myself well. I too find ST incredibly painful and distressing. Thanks everyone for sharing, it’s nice not to feel so alone.
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Like so many of us on this site…I too am currently getting the swift angry slap of the ST. It was heartbreaking to read the posts here, but so many of you are writing MY story as well. I have to admit, there is strength in knowing im not really alone. I sit here on a Saturday night, with my bf downstairs ignoring me. Its a long distance relationship, so he got into town late yesterday. We both crashed and spent a relaxing (or so i thought) day at the pool. When I turned to ask the lifeguard a question, i then turned back to talk to my bf , who was next to me in the pool. He bolted. He was back on his pool chair. When I came out of the pool to sit with him..he let me HAVE it. ” How fuckin RUDE I am, how dare I ignore him…” on and on. I apologized immediately…I truly had no idea that a simple question would make him explode. But he did. We left the pool in silence. I had to run an errand, so he barks at me to drop him off at the house. Which i already knew, why would he want to drive with me? He gets out the car leaves me with the heavy cooler, towels and bags etc. to carry in. I ask if he is gonna tell me to “Drive Safe”…the fuck says “drive safe” and shuts the door in my face. When I got home shortly after…He was in the shower, I thought that slipping off my bikini and asking if i could join him in the shower, would melt the “icing” He ignored me. So i knocked on the shower door…he said leave him alone..he needs to be alone. So i ve been leaving him alone. I was able to see what he was doing while silencing me, here in my own home….He was on facebook…just as sweet and adoring to friends…girls…worse than that..they are his “fans”. You see, my bf is a bit of a celebrity/personality.So naturally, he has “chick” fans..lots of them. Models, dancers, very beautiful women all. I work my ass off keeping my body…firm fit and beautiful. It hurts..it just fucking hurts. Im a beautiful…loving adoring girlfriend, yet i get treated like i fucked the lifeguard. I have to see and read all the posts back and forth from his chicks.flirty, sexy posts. And I cant say a word. “Im building an audience” He says. But heaven forbid i take my attention off him for a minute….Im in trouble.
I am heartsick. Lonely. Fed up. Feel worthless. Useless and wasted. I couldnt wait to shower him with affection, love and sexxxxxxxxx. But he just threw it away. We get so little time together as it is, I cherish our weekend. Now its just over, might as well be monday and a least a week of more silent treatment.
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I feel as if he is looking for a reason to break up with me…anything. Its as if im just waiting for it..like someone holding a gun to your head. He broke up with me a month ago. The reason being I was jealous because i mentioned the fact that he posts his little sexy lingerie model fans pictures on his facebook……not to mention he has his OWN lingerie model (me) who sends him endless bikini and lingerie pics every week.(we have a long distance relationship) So we stay connected thru texts, phone and pictures. Its just the way it is. Its like I dont exist sometimes. But Im always the safety net, good old backup emergency friend…there when he needs me. But if im not needed for anything that suits his needs, fuck it….im silenced and ignored. He was ignoring me before the lifeguard issue happened. I went over to sit with him on his pool chair…but he couldnt make eye contact, kept looking past me…i felt the vibe so strong, it pushed me away. So i went back to my own chair.
We have been together for 8 years. I experienced the first “freak out” 4 months into our relationship. Should have RUN. But I didnt. I fell in love. Met my soul mate…the absolute other half of me who completely “got” me. I fell deep and hard and feel like ive lost myself in him. Thing is , if and when we talk about this horrible crime i perpetrated on him, anything i say in my defense is twisted around and i am forced to understand how I wronged the poor victim.(him). He will poke at me, figuratively, he will egg me on to start a fight no matter how calm and rational i try to be. And BELIEVE ME, I have had many an occaision to be forced to learn how to cope with such a monster. I deserve an Academy Award for how well I hide and pretend “Im Alright!” I am not alright. Everyone else sees the “Super nice sweetheart of a Guy” They all get that. He saves his toxic anger for me..and i eat it up. As I write this I am having physical pain at the thought of him coming at me (verbally) and abusive. He tells me he is in it for life with me and that we will never break up. I am a bag of nerves…i never know what he will say or do.
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My husband is giving me st. He dodnt speak to me at all last night .he jusy talk to our so. Didnt say nothing to me. He last his bank card and blames me I get blame for e erytni.g everything my fault.. He yells at me and he thinks he perfevt I told him I dont have it. He doesnt believe me. Weve been married for 30plus yrs. What do you do when he blames you amd gives me st.
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There is a lot of truth to these next 2 paragraphs:
If you love him, you DO have to accept everything he has done in the past and everyone. You accept him as he is. without conditions, without pre-conditions. without post-conditions. All by his lonesome. Because that is love. it has no conditions. NOW! If he loves you, he also accepts you without any pre, actual, or post conditions. The feelings of the other are all that matters. Loving him means you accept him as he is. You do not want to change him. You do not want to “improve” him, as many women try. He is he and you are you and you are both fine with that.
IF however, you want to change him, it depends on the changes you want to make. If you want to make him more conscious of himself so he gets more promotions and looks snappier, then good luck and hopefully both of you will succeed. If you want to “improve” him to meet your standards, that is selfish and you will totally fail.
This is a letter I want to send him from me:
I feel as though i am only a marginal part of your life. Its simple, we have a long distance relationship that exists over the phone. When we do see each other we connect sexually, which is wonderful. After that, I feel like i am put aside so you can “work”. I understand what its all for..I want your success as bad as you do. But, even when you are here with me…youre not here with me. You cant possibly tell me that if the shoe was on the other foot, you wouldnt feel ignored. I cannot join in on any of this “fun” surrounding the show. I cannot have an online presence, nor can I engage you during the show with texts to share with you how much im digging your show. I used to feel connected and a part of it…now, I listen alone and lurk on fb to enjoy it vicariously, far and apart from your real fans. Alone. I know how busy you are with your fans and that is great. But I feel like im not even alive to you during shows…might as well not be. Except when i get your duplicate text > : ) WOW ! Great way to acknowledge and keep me satisfied! Again, I get it..I know how hard youre working it and i would be dissapointed if you werent giving the show your 100%.
Its a double edge sword here. And unfortunately its at my throat. Im a bitch wife if i complain and im a docile idiot if i sit back and just be the “perfectly ignored girlfriend”
I have said this to you before: You cant make someone fall in love with you, and you cant make someone WANT to marry you. Recently Ive come to this piece of wisdom..you can command attention or demand attention. I refuse to demand anything from you, if its not in you to give it, then so be it. This plays into every insecurity i have, and its MY stuff i have to deal with. You know that I was ignored in my marriage.
What dont understand and this hurts, is how i send you sexy pics of me….to start your day..i hear nothing from you…no good morning, no THANK YOU..then i go on fb to see youve been awake and chatting it up with whoever the fuck girl from who knows where. THATS IMPORTANT ! Sure.
Im tired of feeling like this. So i go away from you a little more each day. If its so fucking hard to return a text (sext) But so fucking easy to post and message some other chick, it speaks louder than words to me. It makes me feel like why do i even send a pic or say good morning? What the fuck am i to you? Ignored is what i am. Not bitching here..i just know where i stand. Im a hell of a gf when its convienient….other than that, Im not even on your radar.
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Today I ended a relationship with someone I grew very close to. One day he said I made his day with a picture I sent him, the next day and for the past 2 weeks I have had the silent treatment or few word responses. I have a fever blister on my lip from the stress of not knowing has caused. I was so confused and the more I asked for answers the more silent he became. I just could not take the pain anymore. I dont know why he gave me the silent treatment, I thought it was to dump me, because I had not done anything to make him angry. I agree it is the cruelest form of emotional abuse. Until I started reading the responses on this website I didn’t understand that the silent treatment was a control issue and a form of manipulation. This guy is still single at 46 and probably afraid of intimacy. We were getting really close and I can see he used this as a way to block his feelings and mine. Well, I hope he is happy because I deleted him from my life. I feel relieved from the pain and sad that he is so damaged he can’t love someone. I am thankful for this site, it has helped me a lot.
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This may come as a surprise, but I am a man and I have NEVER given anyone the silent treatment. However, my wife is incredibly good at it… and uses it whenever she wants to “make a point” and punish me 🙁
The thing is, I love her and accept her even with those faults, and put her feelings before my own. We are both over 30 and I feel as if I am the only one behaving like an adult. Still, I love her and will stand by her no matter what… I just wish she wouldn’t do it. Admittedly, it’s been a long time since the last ST, but this one stings…. a lot.
She does all the classic stuff, won’t give in… speaks wonderfully to others, acts purposely to do things to make me feel worse. Once she gets over it though, then everything is fine 🙁
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hi
iv been with my bf for 5 years and we are engaged to be married next july…i get the silent treatment allot, as we dont live together yet we communicate by phone, text and calls and we see each other everyday…
however when we argue he can go for days even weeks without talking to me no phoen call no text no appearing at my house nothing. ill text and text him even show up at his house but he will refuse to see me.
he promises itll be different when were married and living together i was only 17 when i met him, being young naieve and immature i beleived him but ecently iv realised u cant treat the person u love like this.
i cant go 4 5 hours without hearing from him puely out of love, im not clingy o moany etc but he can go for days without a single word.
it kills me. im tired of being the one to chase him to sot our problems. iv even told him if we argue and he is to blame just show up at my house act normal well talk it through and itll be forgotten about just dont ignore me for days,… yet still he ignores me.
its day 4 of my ST from him and i dont know what to do. he insists he only ignores me because ‘he can’ and when we live together he cant run away from me or hide or not talk to me. im not an obsessed teenager im 24 and hes 29 i just dont know how he can do it to me. our relationship is ‘perfect’ there is nothing i want need or love more than him and he feels the same.
i want to know what i can say or do that will show him how immature hes being and how much it hurts me. iv used every word to describe my emotions to him and nothing has worked.
are we a lost cause??
Franky xx
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