More on The Silent Treatment
Since I wrote about the silent treatment on this site, traffic has increased- many people are looking for help in this particular department. The following was asked by a reader named Tammy, and I thought I might bring it up as an entry and do my best to address the questions asked:
I found this site by looking up “silent treatment” which is what my husband is doing to me now. It has been more than two weeks since he has said anything to me. It does make me angry and scared – I realised that I actually fear him when he does this and wonder what he will do to me next even though he is doing nothing at the time. I know I have to let go and stop allowing him and his problems to fill up my time and affect me the way it does, but it is really difficult – how do I stop myself feeling what I do and having the thoughts I have?
I have my own issues with dealing with my feelings and can get pretty aggressive when angry – I often yell at my husband and that makes him give me more of the silent treatment. Is it all just a vicious circle and is there any way out of this?
The phrase “I wonder what he will do to me next” makes me wonder he has done to Tammy beyond the silent treatment. If this is part of a larger pattern of abuse then I recommend that Tammy stop trying to negotiate with her abuser, and instead get in touch with a local domestic violence center. At the very least, find a therapist who is trained in issues of domestic violence, and go from there. No one has to live in terror in their own home, and there are ways to safely leave such a situation.
In the question “How do I stop myself from feeling what I do and having the thoughts that I have?” I can feel Tammy’s frustration. I get a sense from the question that Tammy believes these thoughts and feelings are somehow wrong or invalid; but they are most likely very much genuine, valid, and okay. I also get the sense that her anger is not accepted in this relationship. Most likely, her husband is not comfortable with his own anger and is punishing Tammy in the same way that he might have been punished when he expressed anger as a child. The cycle gets locked into a pattern: Tammy gets angry, her husband shuts down, which makes Tammy angrier, and the more she expresses her anger, the more silent her husband becomes.
“Is this a vicious circle, and is there any way out of it?” Tammy asks. My answer is, yes- this is a vicious circle, and yes, there are ways to stop all vicious circles. The first thing I would recommend here is couples therapy. If her husband is unwilling to come, then individual therapy for Tammy will still be very helpful. In therapy, Tammy can focus on her own relationship with her anger and with herself, and learn that her feelings are valid. Rather than trying not to have these feelings, it is important to let herself feel them for what they are, understand that her anger is not a bad thing- she can learn to accept it, understand it, and validate it. In learning to to this for herself, she is less reliant on her husband’s inability to do so. The reason his behavior works on her is that she believes that she deserves it. The stronger her relationship with and acceptance of herself gets, the less she will buy the myth that she deserves to be punished, and the less power the silent treatment will have over her.
For more posts on the Silent Treatment, go here:
The Silent Treatment vs The Cooling-Off Period
Why do People Give the Silent Treatment?
Is It Okay for Parents to Give the Silent Treatment to Their Children?
57 comments
Permalink1
My husband is driving me up the wall. My husband controls everything that i do. He has to know where I am and what i am doing at all times. I contols the money that i spend. He contols my kids child support. I am never aloud to be tired or have a bad day. He controls when i go to bed – our sex life everything. He reads my emails, he checks my cell phone, everything. On the flip side of that – he is very private. I can not ask him anything- or gets so angry. He is on internets that i hate but he gets very upset if Isay anything. I am on eggshells all the time b/c if i say anything or ask anything out of line or have tone – then he gets verbally abusive – talks me down – and then locks me out of of the room literally and will give me the silent isolation treatment for days. How can I turn this around, I try to ignore this behavior but it eats away at me and drives me crazy.
Permalink2
My boyfriend of 3 years gives me the silent treatment too from time to time. I am undergoing my dosage now and it has been 7 days. I have read alot of articles on this treatment which is what helps me to understand what is going on. Writing this is actually helping me to release some of what I am feeling inside. My situation however, has shifted and i have become numb. About two weeks ago, I found myself becoming very frustrated with how I am being treated and started having serious thought sabout what I want and how I want to be treated. Since then, I have become less patient and less interested in why he is angry. I have come to realize that he is very selfish and unreasonable and really needs to check his own behavioral patterns. I am a good lady and I treat him well. I am very loving, supportive, kind and caring to him, even when he did not deserve it. He is not a terrible person – meaning we have a very loving relationship on one hand – but it is very one sided at times. I sacrafice and compromise alot and he only compromises a little. When he does not get his way, BAM here comes the silence. I think what hurts me the most at this point is that I have become numb. My reservoir of love is drying up and I loved this man so much as my lover, partner and my friend. I tried to love him through his issues – emotional immaturity but the relationship must change. He always pulls this when I need him the most and secondly his silent treatments stem from his placing an expectation on me that is just totally ridiculous or unfair. We have had a strong relationship in alot of ways and have shared many good times together (we used to date ten years ago) and got back together in 2005. I pray that in this silence he will grow and become the man I need him to be – mu husband. This time I will not run back to fix the relationship. If he does not initiate contact and shows me that our relationship is important and we are going to take it to another level then I will walk. I know what I want and the type of relationship that I need. I have suffered alot emotionally in my life and have finally learned how to love myself unconditionally and will not settle for less. I am ignoring the silence and each day I reflect on what I really want. The silence is making me stronger and I tell myself, I will not contact him b/c I want better for myself and him. I know I will be alright this time as I no longer have fear of abandonment issues and I no longer fear being alone. I will be just fine. Change must come – at least it has for me. Thank you all for allowing me to release my feelings and all the best to everyone.
Permalink3
I know how you feel I have been putting up with the silent treatment for many years.I love my husband but at times I feel this crushing pressue in my chest and I long to walk away but i have childern the youngets is 17,i am numb because of the silent treatment
Permalink4
Silent treatment from my ex-girlfriend has been devastating me for the past couple of months. “I am feeling depressed and don”t want to drag you down with me” is what I can interpret at best. The worst feeling is getting no responses to your honest sincere effort to be supportive in your life, and they send you a text every 3 weeks wishing you a one-liner. But when you get in contact, no response. Thats even more hurtful
Permalink5
To Lily, get out now… it will not get any better. I know from experience. Why do we women continue to put up with this crap? For me, it just happens out of nowhere. Boom, it’s happening again and I sit here like “what the heck happened this time?” Why does he do this to me? Because I let him. There is always something holding me back from leaving… so I live in misery. My story goes on and on, but please take my advice. Get out now! because it will still be happening 5, 10, 20 years from now. No one should be treated this way. You know what else? I don’t have this problem with any one else, just him. I know I am a good person. But, when he does this he makes it look at thought it’s my fault and I know in the past he has told people things that aren’t true to cover for himself. I simply don’t understand it. He is like two different people. I believe he’s bipolar.
Permalink6
This blog on Silent Treatment is really helpful. Whenever my father gets angry or annoyed over little thing such as not agreeing with him etc. he ends up with this silent treatment. Previously, he used to be physically abusive. Now he has stopped doing since my younger sibling and I have grown up. So now he has started this. Initially it used to carry on for 2-3 days. But lately, he has increasing the time-span to a week to 10days. This “Silent Treatment” has created a negative vibe in the house and it makes it frustrating. I know he is also suffering, since he does not eat his meals & medicines on time(he is diabetic!!!).
I don’t know how to get rid of this problem as it sets a bad precedence of this to come. None of the family members can carry out their functioning properly. I am sure even his work life is affected by this. I have tried communicating with him (through verbal & sms) but no avail, he simply looks past me.
It seems as if he has a mental problem and he needs a psychiatrist.
Permalink7
I’m Indian too, and my dad does the same thing. He used to beat up my mom, but then once when I was 8 I tried to tell in the hospital, so he stopped that. He is actually a very charismatic, successful person. But now he does the silent treatment. Not for weeks, but for YEARS. He didn’t talk to my sister for 6 years because he saw her watching Full House (which he thought was a dirty show). Now I found a guy who is so different, doesn’t have a temper problem, but it turns out he does the same thing (silent treatment). I feel so frustrated because he refuses to communicate with me. I called him to breakup finally (after 4 years and almost getting to be engaged) and now he is suddenly communicative and articulate.
Permalink8
Sidra, don’t marry him. Leave him now. It will not end and you will be miserable. I know because it’s been 20 years. The first time was on our honeymoon (too late for me, already married). I have told him how much it hurts yet he does it time and again. Every one around me thinks life is hunky dorry but it’s not. The current silent treatment is 4 weeks long. I am now numb. I don’t trust him to love me unconditionally. So Sidra and anyone else contemplating a life long commitment to someone that uses the “silent treatment” runaway, runaway, you deserve better.
Permalink9
I’m so thankful that I found people having a sincere discussion about this topic. Previous to my current relationship I never had the silent treatment before. I said something that my boyfriend thought was inconsiderate. I didn’t realize my comment had hurt his feelings, but I immediately apologized for my choice of words. Then he turned cold and was very short with me, on the ride to work he wouldn’t talk to me or even look at me. This is the same person who just the day before was telling me how wonderful I was! I was very hurt by this, because I don’t believe that anyone deserves to have affection pulled away from them without an explanation.
He spoke to me again during the day, although he waited to tell me what was wrong until I asked him directly. I plan to discuss this with him in a way that will hopefully be productive. In the meantime I would just like to say that having family and friends who are supportive is incredibly important to me. I was able to vent to my mother and sister who are both very loving people. I mention this because it’s much easier for someone to succeed in hurting us if we feel alone or isolated. When I have other people confirming my worth and the legitimacy of my feelings then I can protect ourselves from being manipulated.
Permalink10
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for almost three years now, we’ve had very good times, we’ve had hard times and always came through as adults. Until last May…he finally introduced me to his daughter, back in May she was two and a half, and we hit it off right away! The kid is wonderful and she really enjoyed the brief time we spent together, but he was not! He wouldn’t participate, all I asked for, like a tissue to wipe the girl;s nose, was answered with a grunt, I offered the child some ice cream, and he said “She doesn’t like ice cream” at the same time the kid said “YAY! I love ice cream”. All of a sudden he decided he had to go because he had to “work” it was Sunday afternoon! He strapped the child in the seat, and drove off without even saying good bye. I tried to call him and he never answered the phone. I thought he was nervous, it was the first time the kid’s mother allowed him to keep her for a weekend, and dismissed it…On Monday, I tried to talk to him and he did not answer the phone, so I left it at that. That afternoon, my phone rings and was him, I was happy I had the chance to meet his beautiful daughter and told him I had a great time and that the kid was awesome, he interrupted me and said it was the worse 45 minutes in his life! He said that I had no respect for him, that I had manipulated him and ignored him!! How could I do all that while I was playing with the girl? To make it short, he gave the silent treatment for a whole week, I caved in and called him and told him he had to come and talk to me, because I was not going to put up with this tantrum. He did show up, we talked and patched everything up. Since then we had a wonderful time and enjoyed the time we spent with his daughter. Last Friday, it happened again, he wanted to see the kid on Friday, the mom wouldn’t let him, so he was pissed, he called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the movies, and I said yes, we got to the movie theater, parked the car, and the strap in his bag got caught under the lid, he was struggling with it, so I pointed to the strap and approached him, he pulled the bag away from me as if I was going to steal it from him. I felt bad, and told him I did not like it when he does that, and I said “Sweety, you don’t have to be rude to me, I was just trying to help”. We watched the movie, and laughed and had fun, on the way home, he was silent, I asked him what was up, and he said “You don’t even realize when you are being rude anymore!” and he kept going and going over something I had forgotten three hours ago! He parked infront of my house, I asked him to come in and talk, and he refused to, he said he was tired and needed to sleep, so I got off the car and inside my house. A while later I decided to talk to him and see if he was feeling any better, and his cell phone was off, and didn’t answer his house phone. So I thought he would call on Saturday, he didn’t, on Sunday, he went to his parents with the child, I know because his mom called me, she was wondering why I didn’t go, I told her he is not talking to me since Friday, his mom said he looked happy and relaxed and only stayed in her house for about three hours, and told me I could call him and tell him I was not mad at him, maybe he was not calling because he thought I was mad…so I did, th phone rang and he never answered it, so I left a message “Sweety, I am not mad, let’s talk, give me a call”…well..I am still waiting! It is Tuesday evening now, and now word from him!! I don’t know what the hell happened! I am totally sure I did not insult him, I know I was not rude! He was rude pulling the bag away from me as if I was a thief! So I don’t know what happened, I know he must be blowing it out of proportion, and I know he won’t call me, and I won’t call him either, I am not caving in this time! I love him, but this attitude is making me sick, I am not used to this kind of behaviour, I would never do something like this to someone I love! He is 56 years old, and I am 47, we are too old to act like teenagers!
HELP! What can I do besides keep my mouth shut? I don’t want to cave in, enough is enough, but it is hurting like hell, I can’t believe this man can throw three years of our lives at the drop of a hat without a word!
Permalink13
My husband and I have been separated for seven years, but are trying to put things back together slowly but surely. He was in a treatment program for two years and really seemed to be a lot better, but at the heart is still very passive aggressive.
We took a trip last weekend out of state to visit our daughter who is in her freshman year of college. During the trip, he was constantly criticizing me for the smallest of things (even blaming me for a speeding ticket that he got while I was in the back seat sleeping) and lecturing me on what I needed to tell our college daughter about what our expectations for her were. We had our two youngest children with us for the trip, and I was afraid that I would start to cry if he continued with his critical spirit.
At a gas station when the children were not in earshot, I confronted him by saying, “I’m feeling very close to tears right now, and I’m feeling personally attacked by you at the smallest of things–from what road I’m driving on to how I’m not putting the money in the toll booth right. I just need to let you know because I’m afraid if you keep on doing it, I will break down in front of the children.”
He got angry and said, “Well, I guess I won’t say anything to you anymore.” The trip home consisted of him listening to his ipod, not caring to discipline the kids if they were unruly at all and letting me do it all, walking into a gas station and buying a bag of chips for only himself, while I paid and took care of a to-go lunch for all of us (him included, which of course he never bothers to thank me for).
So that was Sunday. It’s now Wednesday. He’s holed up in his apartment, having basically abandoned both me and the kids now for three days. I’m really sick of his crappy treatment of us. He knows that he can always leave me holding the bag, because I’ll take care of the kids.
I want to think he can get better. I’m not weepy or clingy or running after him; I’m just disgusted that he can throw us all away so easily. But it’s kinda interesting. The kids here at home haven’t even asked why he hasn’t come over. (He usually is with us every day). I guess ultimately they know who will be there for them through the good and the bad. And it’s not him.
Permalink14
Well, that about says it all. Yesterday was the perfect example of the silent treatment around here. I decided to take my son to the bowling alley and my fiancee decided he had no interest in going. Upon my return I got the preface to the silent treatment – the pretend treatment – everything is fine (when you know it is not). He spent hours sitting in front of the computer ignoring me.
When I asked him again what was wrong, he got angry and left the house. I didn’t ask where he was going, he didn’t say anything except to get up and leave, returning 1 1/2 hours later. Before I went to sleep I asked him again if he wanted to talk about it, and he ignored me.
This morning, I brought the subject up again, and he is in too much pain (a mysterious illness he seems to develop whenever he gets angry) and no, he doesn’t want to talk.
I want him out. I am tired of walking on eggshells, feeling controlled by his whims. But how do you kick someone out of your house when they are unwilling to communicate with you and claim that they are ill?
We’ve been through this cycle numerous times, and you are correct in stating that the one receiving the silent treatment is supposed to figure out the error of their ways. Well no longer. I didn’t do anything wrong, and I will not continue to tolerate this crazy behavior. I’m better off alone then with someone who continually tries to sabotage my happiness.
Permalink15
I am married for the second time and my first husband started the slient treatment the last few years of our marriage. His silent treatment was the beginning of the destruction of our marriage. As his passive aggressive and abusive behavior caused me to become numb and uncaring, both for him and our marriage. The thought of being intimate with this cruel and heart hearted man was disgusting. I suffered from an esophogus problem and depression because of his treatment.
Now , my current husband is doing the silent treatment. It starts when he is not getting his way for some thing or other. I experienced this a few times when I was dating and should have been smart enough to turn and run the other way. Now, thoughts and plans of divorce creep up and already, the thought of intimacy with this cruel and abusive man is disgusting. As a Christian, I do not want to divorce, but appreciate the words of the previous articles. I will walk if this continues to occur. Men ( and women if this can apply to you too) – if you read this, and you are giving your wife the silent treatment to punish her- forget it. You are punishing yourself far more- You are killing her spirit and her love for you, and mostly, her desire to be intimate with you. Grow up and STOP IT! Be a MAN not a child. Silent treatement is a very cruel and childish way of dealing with things.
Permalink16
Agree with what Esther said.
After years of dealing with my husband’s on and off/hot and cold silent treatments, I left not too long ago.
I can relate 100% when you say it “killed your spirit and love” for your husband. I could not fathom being intimate with him in any way, shape or form anymore. Because I no longer felt “safe” with him emotionally, intimately, physically. My heart was shattered and my love was, too, long before his last and final “silent treatment.” I would tell him over and over again how it upset me and not to do it and told him the next time it happened, I was out. I became numb to him and no longer felt he loved me since he was continuing doing this.He pushed me so far away from him that no matter what he does or says now, I can’t accept that he is being genuine.
There are only so many times you can ignore, avoid and neglect someone before it’s enough.
Of course I am sad now, being alone, but I sleep so much better at night. I do not miss all of the days where I’d ask him if he wanted to do something later on or how his day was and he would blatantly ignore me.
And to anyone suffering from a prolonged silent treatment…it’s ABUSE. Emotional abuse. Cutting off all communication with your SO/partner/spouse is completely and totally uncalled for it. It’s immature and sad. And pushes the person you so claim to love very far away.
Permalink17
My daughter is dealing with this right now. It breaks my heart to see her so sad. She has dated her boyfriend for 1 1/2 years. He deployed to Iraq a couple of months ago. They had been able to communicate several times a day since he arrived there. He has not seen any combat so his personality isn’t changing from stress. He came back from a mission overtired 3 days ago and called her but barely had anything to say. She was hurt that he couldn’t at least ask how she was and he barely answered the questions she asked him and then said he was going to bed and hung up on her. He has been online several times since then and she tried to talk to him but he ignored her. Now when she sees him online she does not message him, but he still ignores her. She is heartbroken and confused by his behavior. She has talked to one of his friends that he is deployed with and the friend says they have only done routine patrols, nothing scary. She knows this behavior is unacceptable, but does not know what to do. He took his leave during her upcoming college break so they could go on vacation together, and now he has cut off all communication.
I feel sad for everyone on here that is treated with silence by the one that is supposed to love them. If you treat someone good, you should always get the same in return.
Permalink18
I am going through a prolonged silent treatment right now with my husband. He’s done this in the past, but not for such a long time; it’s going on 5 weeks now. I have depression, and this treatment has made it so much worse that thoughts of living like this have become unbearable. He also refuses to go anywhere with me (we have not been in the same car since the initial fight), refuses to tell me if or where he’s going somewhere, refuses to touch me, look at me, and shrinks away if it looks like I may pass too close to him. When I have tried to start conversations, even just something about what’s on TV, I get no response. It’s the silent treatment combined with the cold shoulder. It started over me getting upset at a sarcastic comment he made when I was trying to talk to him about a book I was reading. It was a put down, passive aggressive, and like the true abuser, he denied doing it. 35 years of marriage didn’t start out like this, but the last few years have gotten slowly worse. Sarcasim, intolerance of my views if they differ from his, put downs of me for watching TV programs he doesn’t approve of. I do feel he has depression and maybe other issues that need to be dealt with, but he refuses. I will be seeing a doc for my own mental health, but if something doesn’t change, I don’t know what I will do.
Permalink19
i have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years and i love him more than any other man before but he constantly gives me the silent treatment. i was reading on the internet that it is actually symptoms of emotional abuse. he is over jealous, over posessive and is always accusing me of cheating. we run a business together and it has become such that im afraid to talk to other people in front of him. it is slowly killing my spirit, he can be loving one day and totally hateful the next. there are so many episodes of his behavior and thinking back you actually begin to realise that he is the weak one and i guess he knows it thats why he does it. no one can take away your strenght, its a built in power and i do believe that god will give me the extra strenght to get thru this.
Permalink20
Hi,
I have been seeing a man for the last 6 years. He has always given me (although I did not realize it) some degree of the silent treatment. Once it went on for 6 weeks, over what I am not exactly sure. I am currently again receiving the same treatment, nearly 2 weeks now.
I have been doing a lot ofr research into his personality and I think he is Narsarsistic. Giving someone the silent treatment then makes sense. It is a trait. He is punishing me for requesting him to talk to me about intimate issues.
I have decided, with a heavy heart, to let him go. I do love him but when he does this to me it just to hard. I deserve better. I text him that if he did not respond to me that it was over. Guess what….its over. No response. It hurts so much, but I will survive….we all would.
Permalink21
As a child I was given the silent treatment by my mother. I currently live with my youngest child’s father and he has over the years given me the silent treatment. Currently it has been 3 months since he has said a word to me. At first I was hurt then I got angry. Now I’m at the stage of I don’t care. However, I have noticed that our son has picked up on it and is giving me trouble which he has never done in the past. I’m in a position right now that I can’t leave so I just have to live with it. I also think this
Permalink22
silent treatment is nothing more than abuse. it stems from other problems probably going back to childhood. its also unreasonable and unintelligent, and extremely childish. ive got to the stage where i hate my husband, and just waiting on woed of a job where im earning enough to live on my own. its been happening for years and ive had him up to my ears. i wish the ground would swallow him up and hed dissappear. thats what hes done to any love or feelings i ahd for him. hes also a cold unemotional man and that to has got worse. hes def got big mental problems which over the years have got worse, and no matter what i do or say, he wont talk. my daughter now goes straight to hr room when he comes home as she cant bear the atmosphere, but that dosent matter to him. he enjoys the hurt he causes. his father was the same, and an alcoholic which my husband is also fast becoming. like father like son as they say. ive lost a lot of years and im surprised ive not lost my sanity, but i wouldnt give him the satisfaction. im stronger than him. id never treat anyone this way. yes ive taken huffs, but quickly cooled down and talked, because i am an adult. ive been lied to, had promises about drinking broken and in general treated like a dog. no more. as soon as my job offer is through and im on my feet, hes on his own. hes lost my and his childrens love and respect. he will end up a sad and lonely man, whos only company are his beer glass and pub mates. unless of course he ends up not speaking to them also. i think a lot of his issues are to do with his upbringing, but ive tried. i have my life to live and i want to be happy, and therefor i need to go. nothing is solved in silence, and i dont want to end up a mental case, nor c the kids hurt also. hes blown his many many chances.
Permalink23
My significant other is giving me the silent treatment as I write. I’m 49 and he is 50. The silent treatment has been going on for a few days now. A brief history… We’ve been dating a year… He is a widower with two daughters, ages 20 and 16 (lots of issues there too)… We live 1 1/2 hours apart… I would drive to his house every weekend to spend time with him because he has the younger child… I would stay in the in-law suite… I am divorced and have two sons, ages 26 and 20. The silent treatment is a result of me scheduling to have my car serviced on the weekend. He got mad because he said weekends were for us. I told him if he wanted to see me that weekend he could come to my house. That wasn’t an option for him since he keeps saying he has a 16 year old (will be 17 in May). I guess I’m not worth the hour and a half drive. Now I feel like it was a one-sided relationship. I tolerated the silent treatment in my previous marriage. My former husband wouldn’t speak to me for days, weeks, or months, depending on the issue. And I’m the one who would always have to make up somehow. The marriage didn’t last… we divorced after 15 years. After a year in the current relationship, his true colors are shining through. He doesn’t respond to text messages or e-mails and he doesn’t answer the phone. So I sent him a text message last night telling him that he has made it clear that he is punishing me for something so minor, and that life is too short for mental abuse. I told him it’s immature and I’m not tolerating it. I said I was moving on with life because I deserve better, and that he would finally come to realize that he gave up on a good thing. It’s hurting me… but I will survive.
Permalink24
Jeanne october 17th.
You sound just like me.
I have been married for 39 years and am 57 years old. (married young) I have put up with this silent treatment all of our marriage. Now that my son moved out dec 2009 My husband moved into my sons room and rarely comes out. He ignores me completely. When he does talk, he talks over me into whatever he says is right and I am wrong. He has not slept in bed with me for 27 years He has slept on the floor in front of the TV for over 20 years and on the couch for 7 years until my son moved out He now sleeps in my sons bedroom. No sex for the past 5 weeks, “its to much trouble” I dont know what brought this around this time. Always says everything is my fault, example we had new kitchen countertops put in and the contractor cut the wrong size, He even blamed it on me! This is typical of our marriage. The sad part I thought this was the way a marriage was.
( I came from a disfuntional childhood Daddy was never home and my mother was verbally abusive from daylight to bedtime she constantly fussed about and critisized something all the time. She was off mentally and was diagnoised and put on lithium but would not take it.)
My marriage I thought was normal until a few years ago, and just like a lightbulb went on. and I said to myself this is not normal. I have always worked at banks, run my own company and worked for insurance companies. We have 2 childred. It took 10 years for me to have a child I kept having miscarriages. I should have known many years ago, as I was miscarrying and bleeding my husband had to make love to me a few hours later i lost the baby. this was just one of so many things over the years. The controlling and the silent treatment. 27 years ago I took a job He did not want me to take so he started the silent treatment by not sleeping in the bed with me and it still continues to this day. I dont know what to do now. I am completely numb now. I lost my job Nov. 2009 this is the first time I have not worked in over 22 years and now I am stuck, I want so much to leave, but I have my home I have worked hard to have and it is paid for. He always tells everyone “i would live in a mobile home instead of this house but she wanted this house” I was very poor growing up and have worked very hard to have a Home. I just cant leave No Job, No Money, and I would lose my home. I wish I could finally just leave. My son bought a house and I helped him paint, refinish the floors and cabinets over 3 months of work My husband never offered to help any at all. He seemed very jealous of the fact I was helping our son with his first home. I could not understand this?? Why was he so jealous so mean so cruel just because I helped our son?? Any help would be greatly appreciated. I have been to the hospital for 4 days due to an irregular heartbeat in Nov 2009 I am sure it was stress. Help me.
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I’m going through the ST right with my common-law spouse and some things that other people have said have sounds so familiar. My spouse’s issue all has been about controll. Right now we are on his second week of not speaking to me over a money issuse that he created. I loaned him money last money and because I forgot that I had said he didn’t have to pay me back all at once I’m the bad guy. Mind you I told him I would honor our agreement despite me forgetting so it wasn’t really an issue to me. He now says that my words mean nothing and that I’m forever breaking my word. He still hasn’t paid me all the money he owes me so why is it an issue? It’s his pride; and the fact that he has to rely on me and not the other way around. I guess that makes me the dominate one. I haven’t left because I’m saving up money to find a place for me and my son to stay. I work fulltime and have friends and family who can help out if need be. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones. I did try to put out the olive branch but he has ignored it and I refuse to beg anyone to love me. I love myself way too much for that. I love him but I love myself more. I’m a good thing and I know I’m worth it. As another writer has said him ignoring me is proving me with strenght to keep it moving…..thanks for the opportunity to vent and pray that each and everyone who comes here finds a soft place to fall.
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While my experience is not as severe as the above mentioned, I do feel unloved and unworthy when I recieve the silent treatment. It usually happens when my fiancee and I are discussing something serious and have or have had a difference in opinion. When this happens she clams up on me and will not talk about it, or will not attempt to change the subject. When she does this I feel like she’s judging me. Then I fly off the handle (unfortunately) and become angry (not physically abusive, but possibly verbal and then she cries. I’ve tried to explain to her that I would rather her argue than to “not” talk to me. She says she doesnt want to argue. However I feel judged when this happens. Someone please give me some advice.
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I have just started dating a guy I dated over 20 years ago and he’s giving me the silent treatment because I asked him why his car wasn’t registered for the last few years? I just think it’s a little rediculous for a 41 year old not to have his car registered. Especially since he has stated he makes all this money… something just doesn’t add up. Well he has been giving me the silent treatment sinse Sunday… And he keeps saying he need about 4 days… but we have talked and emailed each other everyday no matter what and he just left from visiting me for 3 weeks… How am I suppose to deal with that… I know it hurts like hell… and I’m really sad… help
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My boyfriend Max is real picky. With clothes, food, and even the right partner. This week when I was pretty sure that i wasn’t at all rude to him, he gave me the treatment. I guess it IS kinda hard to look under the silence and find out was wrong, but if you act like it doesn’t effect you, then they give up.
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The silent treatment is about control that is for sure. Giving back the silent treatment is disaster..so what to do. One can only ignore for so long. I go to sleep for long periods to numb my feelings, but I cannot sleep forever…because this would be slow suicidal death. This is what I found while experiencing the silent treatment from my husband…my own anger issues would raise its ugly head every time, and make me feel so guilty, because I always had boundary issues since childhood. When the therapist told me I had no boundaries, and I let people ride over me like steamrollers, I paid attention. I was never good enough for my parents, and would almost kill myself to please them, this angered me because I felt so hopeless, even when I was doing everything they wanted me to do, it still wasn’t enough. I said to the therapist, “you mean to tell me that I can have boundaries, and its ok?” its as if I never knew I was allowed to have boundaries in relationships, what a shock. I assumed only parents, bosses, teachers, and relatives older than me, had that privilege.
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I’m going through the silent treatment at the moment,I’m 46 and my partner is the same age, I am divorced with adult children, he has never been married and we have been together on/off for years,we did live together for 2 years but I have a 13 yearold son, and sometimes when partner got angry or had silent moods it was too much, we live in same village though.
I have texted him asking what is wrong, he was meant to come to dinner on Saturday night and we were all meant to have a family night watching tv with my son, I texted him about 3 times and still no answer, I have tried to get onthis weekend but its hard, he can be so loving but then ignore me, probably over something and nothing.
When he hasbeen in moods before, he always says I try to manipulate him, I think this is him talking, I don;t know what is going on, its making me really unhappy.
I work part time for him and am meant to be going in today, how can I when he has not even spoken to me,this is no relationship anymore, I just don’t know what to do, its eating me up inside.
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I’m going through the silent treatment. It’s been going on for about 3 months now. My husband has begun doing this over the past 3 years. The first 1 1/2 we dated and then the first 3 years we were married, things were great. He was so kind, loving, helpful, considerate, we shared everything, our life goals, we both helped each other with the house work and complimented each other, bought each other cards, and then it happened. I actually don’t know if this is the cause or not. The longer the treatment goes on, the more I think he has been playing me from the beginning. Anyway-the happening that I think started it was that his sister committed sucide 3 years ago. He wasn’t close with her, he spoke to her maybe 2-3 times a year and visited her even less. So when she killed herself, he was upset, but mostly felt guilty. Even though he won’t admit that, he has blamed others for her death. He’s a COP and he said that he should have known and been able to stop her, that was his way of admiting he felt guilty. So that’s when things began to really change between us. He just shut down, he quit talking, he slept 16-20 hours a day, quit helping around the house. I tried to talk to him and encouraged him to get counseling or go to a support group. I even found several local support groups, but he never did anything. Just sulked and withdrew more. Before her death there were a few episodes of the silent treatment, but nothing so severe as now. I’ve tried to talk to him and ask questions, he just sits there, doesn’t respond, almost like he’s in another state of mind. It’s gotten to the point that I’m tired of being the one to initiate the converstations and also the one to say I’m sorry, when I don’t even know what I should be sorry for. I don’t know if I did something wrong. We’ve tried counseling, separate and together and it only helps if both parties are willing to work at it. We’d go to a session, talk openly about things, gwe’d et an assignment to go home with like compliment each other, or make time to communicate. But neither of those things happened. I’d been taking care of the 3 kids, doing all the housework and yard work (we have 8 1/2 acres to mow) while he slept and stayed withdrawn, so when we started going to counseling, I told him that I really needed him to initate the conversations so I knew he cared and was wanting to work on the marriage. Instead, we’d have a kid free night, sitting watching tv, and he’d sit there in silence. Wouldn’t speak a word, not even mention the weather. I’d initiate a converstation basically asking him why he can’t take the first step just once. Then the next 2-3 weeks there would be more silence. I’d try again and again more silence. After 3 years of this shit, I’m numb and wish more often then not that he’d leave or better yet get shot, killed at work. I know I need to leave him and break the abuse cycle. There’s a couple of reasons I justify for not leaving. One-I’ve been divorced twice, both times were to men that either physically or mentally abused me. This guy was so different, so caring, sweet, gentle, considerate, understanding (when I met him), now he’s the mental abuser. Two-I have 3 kids (12,15,17) and they don’t want to be uprooted again. We live in a nice house and are financially ok. The older kids are from my first marriage and the youngest is from my second marriage, but my husband adopted her, because my second husband had nothing to do with her when I divorced him. Third-I guess I’m hanging on to a little hope that the guy I dated and married for the first 2 years might come back. But this last round of silence has been going on for months. We might take a break for a day, but other than that, it’s a constent. The kids and I went to Florida for vacation, he didn’t want to go, we got back just last weekend and he hasn’t spoken a word, not even hi. It wares on me! I think I hate him more than I hate my first two husbands. I know I deserve better, I’m a good person. I’m just trying to hang in there til the older kids graduate, but I’m not sure it’s going to last that long. I hate the thought of having to go through another divorce. 4th- what type of example am I setting for my kids? (3 divorces-what a loser) Someone needs to just shoot me! The only thing that keeps me going, is my childhood experiences. I had an abusive father, who left when I was 12 and we never heard from him again. My Mom and us kids, survived. Times were tough, but we grew to be very independent, capable, confident adults. I just need a little more strength to carry me through. I’ll be happy again-that is my goal! I just haven’t pinned down the timeline.
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Wow, amazing (sadly so) that so many people go through the same thing. My story: I haven’t talked to my husband of 4 years in more than 3 weeks–no contact at all–he won’t answer my e-mails, my text messages, or the phone when i call. The closest thing I’ve had to contact was I asked his daughter via facebook to ask her dad to call me. She did, and said he said he had no money on his phone or Skype account to call me. I sent both him and her my Skype account info so he could call me, and he didn’t, so that was just an excuse.
He did this for 2 weeks before the last time we talked as well, claiming that it just made him feel bad because I was always bitching at him. This time, I couldn’t possibly have done anything–I haven’t had a chance to. As soon as we hung up from our last conversation, where we agreed we would talk again in a week and that we were going to work things out, it seems he started avoiding me again. Hell, I even sent him a few bucks last time we talked–we are applying for his green card, and I sent him money for postage to mail the paperwork he has that he needs to send me. (He lives in Europe.) That paperwork has never arrived.
I feel like I’ve tried everything to get him to talk to me–I’ve asked mutual friends to have him call me, I’ve begged and pleaded via e-mail and text, I’ve explained to him (via e-mail) how cruel this treatment is and that he’s made me feel worthless and non-existent. I break down and cry at the drop of a hat. I’ve been on the verge of actually committing suicide a couple of times but have managed to not go through with it. Every day I obsess about this treatment and what is going on in his head, how he can be so cruel all of a sudden. He has always been very loving and very affectionate until the past few months. We are both going through some financial difficulties, but things were finally starting to look up I thought. :/
Anyway, if anyone has any other suggestions on how to deal with this short of flying to Europe (if I could afford it, I would do just that). Oh, and he moved, so I don’t even have his address, though I’m sure my stepdaughter would give it to me if I asked her. I hate to drag her into it any more, as she is a teenager and I feel terrible about what kind of example this is setting for her. :/
Thanks everyone for sharing your stories… it actually does help to know I’m not the only one out there suffering like this.
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These writings have helped me tremendously to know that I am not alone. My husband of 25 years has always “blamed me” for so many, many things. Then won’t talk. This last time he went 27 days. I drank for many years, following in my dad’s footsteps and so I believed all the awful things he said about me. Now I am sober (2 years) and have stopped playing his game just recently. I am also withholding part of my paycheck so he does not have control over my earnings. I opened my own checking account about a year ago. One step to independence. We have 3 teenage daughters and he works nights so sleeps in the office. I know he is punishing me and has been for years. I just accepted it. It takes two. If only I worked harder on the marriage, if only I did this, if only………It never changed a thing. Abuse is abuse and an abuser in denial won’t change. So, I’m finally getting help for myself and going to counseling this week. I ordered a book on setting boundaries. Any other input?!
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This was very helpful to me.This silent treatment is the dumps!!I would think my wife being a christian would know better,but every few months she;s back to the same old thing ,ignoring me not having anything to say to me like i don;t exist.we;ve only been married for two years and this is getting old.I got married to live a happy life not a life of misery and pain.Your page helped me to see a little clearer why she does this and help me to deal with it for the moment ,her action pushes me to point of just wanting to let her have her own life and i go back to being single.I give a lot to make her happy and it seems she doesn;t appreciate me for the man i amI sacrifice and neglect myself for her.I have a great job as well as other income and i make sure she drives a new car keep money in her pocket do all the things a husband should for his wife.
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To kelly;I know the feeling very well!!My wife is cut from the same mold.She was not perfit but great enough for me to feel confortable about marring her.Now things changed .from month to month. i don;t know how she;s going act when i come home from work it;s a guessing game an emoitional roller coaster .fear of saying the wrong thing to upset her, every thing must be her way.I;ve never been one to be an easy puff but i;ll all way give the other flexable time to iron out their feelings,not so with this woman, giving is laying down and letting her walk all over you until she;s satisfied !!
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Really glad I found this site today. I’m on my 3rd day of my first Silent Treatment EVER and was at a total loss for what to do. We’ve just been dating 3 months, so I’m definitely leaning toward cutting losses; not playing this game. (I’m 36 and he’s 37.)
It’s sad though, I met him 7 years ago and really wanted to get to know him. He worked at a store I used to go to, but was in a 15-year relationship until last year, so he was unavailable (even to hang out! A good sign in my book.)
We started chatting online about 6 months ago and have been dating for the past 3. It had been going really, really well until this past Sunday. We had a weird misunderstanding over the phone (I think even now, neither of us know how joking/serious the other was). I’d mentioned a girl at work and forwarded him my company holiday video so he could skip to that part and see who she was. He started criticizing the video, saying “it should have never been made” which offended me because so many of my friends were involved in making the video, etc. It’s like your own mom: You can talk crap about her all you want, but the second someone else does… Plus, I think saying “it never should have been made” was unnecessary and harsh. I strongly believe people should be encouraged to take chances and create things, without worrying about people calling it garbage. Being around a negative people will stifle your creativity and cause you to “play it safe” on the sidelines. The video didn’t hurt anyone; it was just for fun.
I pointed out that I hadn’t shown him the video to WATCH, but just to see someone I’d told him about. He said I was infringing on his right to free speech (I really think he was joking here, so I half-joked back that he doesn’t have total 1st Amendment protection when he’s on the phone with me.)
At some point he figured out I was a little irritated (I said I was a 0.5 out of 10 and that I’d be fine). He just said, “I wasn’t trying to make you mad.” To which I said, “I know. And I’m not mad. I’ll be fine.” And meant it. It was not a big deal. But then he clammed up for a REALLY long time. Like, 5 minutes. I asked if he wanted to get off the phone since neither of us was talking. He said “Not necessarily” and we waited 10 or 15 more minutes. I said I didn’t understand being on the phone if neither person had anything to say. Again he was quiet. Not wanting to hang up on him, I turned on the Office really quietly and watched an entire episode before he agreed to get off the phone.
On Mondays and Tuesdays he’s online off and on all day. This past Mon & Tues, he wasn’t online at ALL (unless he blocked me.) I figured we’d talk about what happened online at least by yesterday (Tuesday). But he hasn’t called, texted, IMed, anything. My whole mindset has gone from sorting out what bothered me Sunday night and why, to sadness that this avoidance could go on for so long.
I haven’t contacted him per se, but I’ve been online like I always am. For better or worse, I decided that if and when he ever contacts me again, I’ll express that I don’t do Silent Treatment and that’ll be that. Course, if I never hear from him, then that’ll be that as well.
Really a shame. I finally get to know him a little, and he has such a juvenile approach toward conflict resolution. He’s one of the few, few men I’ve been genuinely interested in ever. He’s really adorable and intelligent but nothing is worth having to navigate this silence again.
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I’ll just repeat everyone else when I’ll say that it was encouraging somehow to read all these comments on the topic. From the ‘research’ I’ve done so far on the issue it seems everything i felt going through a silent treatment can be medically and scientifically justified. It’s simply cruel. And I’m not alone on this… But this is how all the victims of ST feel inside – ALONE. The one who means the world to you treats you like you would be the last person they would have the time to talk to or to at least admit your existence. I’m not married to this man, the boyfriend I’ve been dating for 4 years now, but I’ve always wanted us to make that step. He always had excuses and I respected his not readiness. We both haven’t been married before but we are not very young. We ended up wasting all this time without actually living our lives. For the past 2 years he is practicing his ST on me. Usually as a consequence of me opening up to him on something that really bothers me or making hints (recently more straightforward ones) that WE need this relationship to move forward from just words to actions. We argue a bit about our differing opinions on this particular topic, without shouting of course. He even admits that I’m right in what I’m saying. But the minute I put the phone down I know what follows. I really can’t stand it when we don’t talk for weeks. Even a day seems too long. Feels like a sheer torture, when my mind is in a constant state of painful thinking about him and why is he doing it. I’d rather have him scream and shout at me. And it is a vicious circle. I can’t tolerate the suffering and not knowing what is he doing or thinking and call him myself. He makes it difficult to reach him from the first attempt, so I selflessly try again and again, until he talks to me. At that point I usually hate myself for having absolutely no self-respect or self-preservation left. So I keep this anger inside and since the issues remain unresolved it does come out at some point in me saying something else that upsets him. Why doesn’t he come and talk to me face-to-face like a grown man that he is? Even if he wants to end it, I hope he’d have the decency to tell me about it. Instead I get the ST. Now I’m on day 7. Before that we had 2 weeks of silence just recently, during which I couldn’t stop myself from crying in the pillow each and every night. I broke that silence with repeated phone calls, with an intention to confront him no matter whether he wants it or not. This week I’m just quiet. Feel like being left completely alone, even by my relatives. Internet became my getaway, since I don’t feel like talking to anyone except of him. Guess there is no recipe on how to cure the broken heart or how to ‘unlove’ someone. That might not even be possible. Only time can heal such things, at least for you to want to wake up in the morning. I don’t want to loose him. But I don’t want go completely crazy and I believe I deserve to be loved for who I am and in a way that doesn’t hurt me so much. I’m not sure love has a lot to do with ST though… It’s a web of contradictions. For the ST to be effective it takes two. It’s just too hard to get yourself out of the equation. Good luck and strength to everyone! (I never write on blogs, but doing it now somehow helped. Hope my story helps someone too).
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My wife gives me the silent treatment for days at a time when ever she’s mad. I understand this a little more and This has helpped me. We have issues with the step children. Whenever they get upset at something or accuse me of saying something that gets them upset. My wife tortures me with the silent treatment. I try to engage her in a conversation to get to the issue but the kids win always. And I get the reward of the silent treatment. I do feel that this empowers my wife and gives her unbelievable strength. it takes from me and hurts. Usually leaving me wanting to sleep or have a drink then sleep. It destroys my whole day night. it never gets any easier. from what I gather the way to defuse this and make it powerless is not to respond to it. take the stance of ” Ifyou don’t wanna talk to me I’ll do something else” Is this correct. this is just a form of abuse and kills any feeling I have for my wife.
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I am glad I found this site. It has helped me to realize that I am not the only one who is experiencing this, the Silent Treatment. My boyfriend of two years has done this to me on and off, and usually it has nothing to do with something I’ve said or done, which almost makes it worse because I don’t know what’s wrong, or why he won’t return my phone calls or my emails. He says he needs time to deal with feeling depressed about something, or that he doesn’t want to take his anger out on me. I tried to tell him that it makes me feel unimportant, and like he doesn’t trust me to share his feelings. But I don’t think this has ever sunk in with him.
When this is not happening we have a great relationship, he is thoughtful and loving. But he has these times when he just “disappears.” We don’t live together so at first it made me worry that something was wrong, that he had had some huge medical emergency and was lying in a hospital bed somewhere unable to contact me. But I don’t think that anymore. Usually when I don’t get a response from him, I drive over to his house to try to talk to him in person. This is usually met with frustration on his part because he isn’t done “being silent” but we are able to eventually work through things, and I go back to not being angry and just let it pass by so we can still be together.
But reading this blog has made me realize that this really is emotional abuse, that my feelings of loneliness and neglect are natural and normal and valid. Usually the ST doesn’t last more than a week, this time it has been a week and a day. I wrote him a calm, rational email explaining how I felt, and haven’t had any response yet. But knowing I am not the only one going through this is helping me to be strong, and not run over there again to let him give me fake excuses. This time he has to come to me. And if he doesn’t then I will be forced to end the relationship. He has to come to me and explain himself and apologize and promise to better in the future. And then live up to that promise. I will not be abused anymore, this is on my terms now.
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Oh dear, another long post… haha… My husband is significantly older then I am and has a type A personality and a short temper. I am a type B and can’t hold a grudge for more then five minutes. We have been married for seven months. I’ve always felt like he is always right and I am always wrong. Every time he does something to upset me, he ‘writes it off’ so to speak. Occasionally when I’m really upset, I’ll spontaneously walk away and he rushes to me apologizing profusely, then says I am throwing a childish fit, and should be so mature as to just tell him I’m upset. He makes these ridiculous demands such as using a certain type/amount of shampoo, type/amount of acne medication, vacuuming the carpets every other day, wearing a certain type of clothing, having dinner on the table when he comes home, having sex almost every day (at a specific time) unless I have my period. If I have a request for him, he says he’ll do it, but he never does.
On the subject of sex… Occasionally I’ll refuse and he’ll say I’m insulting him. Once he asked if I’m a lesbian. Then he’ll say he has to beg me to fulfill his need; he claims he is being repressed. My thought: “are you -profanity- kidding me? We made love yesterday.”
Right now I’m looking for a job, (we’re moving too), and finally I’ve found work as a freelance photographer. The job process is slow because I need blood titers and medical clearance (yay for hospital photography). I know I will pass the tests which is my last hurdle to becoming official, yet he’s still going on about how I need to apply to other places. That brings me to the SILENT TREATMENT.
This last week I have either spent hours packing, or spent hours on the phone (and at the doctor) getting orders for blood work, spending hours waiting for said blood work or going back for a mystery complication in my eyes. Then my husband brings home these applications and tells me to apply for them. I meant to do it but got really, really busy and forgot. Now he won’t talk to me and it’s driving me crazy. I had previously bought tickets for a play, and guilt-tripped him into going (“I don’t feel like going” “honey, I bought these tickets three weeks ago” “oh you’re not going to buy them at the door? ok I’ll come so mine doesn’t get wasted.”) and the situation seemed to be improving. But at the end, he was one of the first people out the door, didn’t even wait for me to grab my coat. He has a bad habit of doing this. I got so frustrated that I snapped at him. Now it seems that the silent treatment is back. BTW I did apologize.
There are other things too. When I have a bit of money, I like to fly home for a couple weeks to visit my folks (they live 1800 miles away) and my husband will seldom want me to call him. He’s good with a “The plane landed safely” text. Recently, I was there for 2 1/2 weeks and talked to him 2-3 times though he was always on my mind. On another trip I tried to Skype him everyday, then he disappeared for 4 days. Apparently his phone ran out of minutes, the computer got a virus and he decided to visit his parents. I was freaked out. He said it was all my fault. I should have put two and two together and realized that no news was good news.
He loves my hair, and hates when I cut it. I haven’t cut it for a year because he said if I do, then any desire he has for me will be diminished. Sometimes I’ll be able to negotiate up to 1/4 inch off, but I never actually get it done.
I haven’t talked to anyone about our problems. I don’t want to admit something is wrong. When I’m upset, it feels like a great idea, but when I calm down it seems overly-sensitive and whiny. After reading this, I feel encouraged to get counseling. I don’t want a failed marriage, I don’t want to be another divorce statistic.
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I vocalized to my husband that I wish he were more pro-active in doing things around the house and he responded with “what do you want me to exactly do”. He is 52 yrs old, I told him he was an adult and was perfectly capable of seeing what needs to be done. ie: basement and storage room a mess, finish baseboards, leaves cleaned up ect… He then got angry and since has given me the silent treatment which he is famous for. I’m too old for these toddler games.
I am the bread winner and am constantly working overtime to make ends meet. I also told him to consider looking for a 2nd job to take some of the stress off me.
Oh, yeah he is also an alcoholic-in denial and states the alcohol helps him de-stress and with anxiety. He was keeping alcohol in his car trunk and drinking when no-one was at home. He needs counseling or to go on meds to help him deal but insteads blames me for his drinking and now not allowing him to drink, because “he can handle it”.
It has been 1 week since we last spoke, he goes out by himself at all hours, sleeps on the couch sometimes. Not sure if he is sneaking drinking again or spending time with another woman.
I refuse to give in to his silent treatment and beg him to speak with me. We are both adults and I am perfectly able to communicate my feelings but he never has and frankly I am just tired of the whole thing. We are blended family and have been together for 7 years, his ex-wife told me from the start “don’t let him give you the silent tx”, His passive-aggressive ways are driving me away unfortunately.
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i have been reading lots about this subject latley…..my now ex partner did the silent treatment regular about 9 times in our two year relationship….over silly little matters or when he felt i was getitng at him in some way. we didnt live together but he would go home text me to say dont ever contact me again then sulk for upto a week. In this time i was distraught and totally emotionally weak to it. i would try to get him to talk about the issue that had upset him but he wouldnt speak until i went to his home and vertually begged. he would reject me then he would come back and the relationship would be ok for a while. i suffered terrible anxiety and depression because of this. he didnt seem to care….he then blew up in a rage(which he usually did before the silent treatment) left again and hasnt contacted me for 2 months….only because this time i decided to not run after him and find my self respect…..he has since contacted me…..not to say sorry but to just check in with my life…..i told him to go to hell…..its been very hard because i did and probably do still love him but i think it is a form of control and his inability to communicate with me like an adult made me realise its not worth the hassle.
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Wow, I mean, wow! I’ve been with my on-again, off-again boyfriend for two years. I thought we were indeed a unique couple because of all the breakups(which he initiated). He’s been giving me the silent treatment for a week now, and it’s the first time he’s done it. The last thing he said to me was that he was stomach sick. I’ve sent dozens of texts to him, angry texts, sad texts, worried texts… I tried reasoning with him… and all I get is silence.
I’ve been reading up on passive aggressiveness for days now, and we fit the bill. When we’re together, it’s absolute bliss. I literally swoon when he gives me those looks that says he loves me. He’s said that he feels it for me, but hasn’t actually said “I love you”(that doesn’t really bother me, words are cheap). We both love a lot of the same activities, music, books, etc… I mean, when we’re together, we’re sensational. Then there’s the times when I ask him to go to some event with me, he’ll say maybe. Then the subject won’t come up until he tells me he’s going to that same event with someone else. Then there’s the times he broke up with me, using lame excuses. He says he wants to be friends, I foolishly say ok, and feel grateful. We’ll hang out, get along great, then he starts getting a bit closer, and I admit I like it, then without even saying a word about it, we are back together. This happens once every month or two. I was dishonest with him on two occasions, and have made up for it(and then some), and he usually uses that against me… and that happened a year ago. Each time we get back together, we get even closer than the last time… and now this silent treatment. It’s taking quite a toll on my mind and body. I love this guy… I’ve never been in love with anyone else… he’s exactly what I want in a man, except the passive aggressive thing. I don’t know if anyone else here understands this, but whenever we separate, even during this first bout of silent treatment, it never feels over… I have a strong feeling he’ll come around again eventually, but when? And what the heck do I say to him? I take comfort in knowing that he isn’t a cheater… he isn’t very experienced when it comes to the opposite sex. I’m worried about him because he’s not very social really. Chances are he’s working his shitty call-center job, then going to a fast food drive thru, then sitting up all night smoking grass, and watching youtube videos. He’s a very intelligent man, he’s 28 years old… he talks about his future all the time, particularly his dream home… but he doesn’t actually do anything to better himself. We were looking at a house for sale(not to actually buy it, it’s a hobby of ours), and whenever he wanted to drive past and look at it, he would refer to it as “our” house. So WTF? Despite everything, I love him. It it my honest opinion that he is scared, and that’s why he’s not communicating.
I would love some feedback on this. I feel somewhat relieved, knowing that it isn’t just me that has to go through this because we love and care about someone like this.
This was my rant, thank you for your time.
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Hi,
My problem is my husband never ever talks romantic or anything other than asking for the salt or close the window or switch of the lights etc. Even while taking a walk or simply sitting or watching TV or just anything not even in bed.
He talks over phone to check if I had lunch or dinner. He talks to tell me he has some work or party for which he is going like he just keeps me informed is all the talking he does.
I do all the talking and this irritates him and he finally comes up with a Shutup its boring………..confused
Any answers to this weird set up of mind.
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currently I’m really not sure if my partner is giving me the silent treatment or is just in a cooling off stage. more then anything it makes me really sad when he withdraws like this. i don’t understand how he can think this is going to mend anything. in my opinion this will only hinder our relationship. in my situation it feels like he gives me the silent treatment to prove that he can live just find without me. when he is in my presence he seems unaffected by anything, as if there is no problem. he just does not acknowledge that I’m there. he seems perfectly fine doing his own thing. he laughs when he is watching or reading something. when he is talking or texting with friends he seems very pleasant and happy. he seems to function well under this period of silence. i on the other hand do not. even though i act unaffected my his silence treatment in his presence, it hurts so much and i usually break the silence with a an emotion breakdown. i find it very difficult not to cry when I’m alone. i don’t have the coping skills to deal with this. and for my own sake i should end this relationship.
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I don’t know what to say to her. I think my ST stems from her abuse. I am afraid of her and feel as if she is disrespectful and CONTROLING. She has anger issues. I can never say or do the right thing. She is a good person in so many ways but just not to me. I have my issues. We went to counseling and the counselor told her things she didn’t want to hear. She didn’t schedule the next appointment. Lost Silent Alone…..
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My wife of 28 years has been giving me the silent treatment for the last week, and I haven’t had more than a couple of grunted replies to anything I have said during that time. I really haven’t a clue why she’s so angry, and she generally is not able to articulate that. I’m a classic “avoider” – I know she’s going to dump an undeserved load of stuff on me, so I’m waiting it out for the umpteenth time to see if she’ll work her way through this. Unfortunately, she is pretty disdainful of other people, so she doesn’t really have anygood friends she can talk stuff like this out with, and I know here normal view of me is somewhere between pond scum and something more unsavory.
I love her to death for some reason, but she’s this odd combination of character traits. She is very gracious at her work, but when she gets home, she seems to have completely forgotten all her common courtesy – and this has been so our entire lives together. I can’t honestly say she has used the term Please or Thank You more than a dozen times during our marriage. It’s not “please pass the potatoes”, it’s “pass the potatoes”… that kind of thing. She doesn’t ask, she gives orders.
I may not be a prize to be married to, but I’m generally upbeat, our kids love me to death, I’m positive, romantic, a happy and thoughtful caring person by nature. I’m true to her. I don’t wander, drink or have any serious or dangerous vices. I confess I am a pack-rat (not like on “Hoarders”), but I’m working on de-cluttering and making some serious inroads… in a few weeks I’ll have got all the excess stuff under control. She’s very concerned about mess in the house, but even when the house is nice, she’s still not happy.
Our sex life is pretty much non-existent. She really doesn’t like to be touched too much and it causes her anxiety. In 28 years of marriage, I don’t think we have made love even a hundred times. Most folks I know hit that number a few months after getting married. We were down to less than once per month within the first 3 months of our marriage. We’re about to start year 4 of zero sexual contact. On that score, I have just decided to give up… there’s clearly nothing to be gained from flogging a dead horse.
A long time ago (a few years after we married), she told me “If you wanted to have a sex life, you should have married someone else”. Strange that she couldn’t have been that self-aware before we got married.
I do love her, but sometimes I weaken and let some of the above really can get to me. I shouldn’t – it could be worse.
So… no clear solution in sight, unfortunately. Nice to have a site like this where I can get some of this out of me. Maybe someone else is experiencing something like this. To you others, try to find a way to stay happy, regardless. You’re in control of how you feel about things – remember that.
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…also, in 28 years of marriage, she has spontaneously said “I love you” about 4 times…. the rest of the time she says “I love you too”, because I have said it first. Maybe I’m just blind, certainly stupid.
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my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment too, i believe as a “punishment” and to show who´s got the control. We have been dating for 1½ years, and we are so in love. I know he is very mch in love with me, but as soon I start discussing an issue about the relationship, I feel as he gets so scared that he just disappear. I know he is scared of loosing me and has been teeling me that he wouldn´t be able to live without me.I feel though, in a relationship communication is the key. If he is not communicating with me, I will start to overthink, blame myself, and get depressed… That´exactly the cycle:
I bringup an issue, small or big->he freaks out, get scared, but tell me I´m right and we will talk about it/he will get better (but I know exactly what´s gonna happen->he will not call me for about a week-> I will start overthinking, analyzing what I said, start blaming myself and then give in-> I will start text, email, call him desperetaly to just tell him how much I love him and that I am sooo sorry (but I shouldn´t apologize)-> But the torture is just too unbarable so I keep texting and calling-> he stays quiet-> I get so depressed and wish ” If he only called me once, it would be good” -> He calls finally and I forget how much he hurt me, that I was mad-> I pretend everything is good so he won´t do it again-> and he is happy that he taught me a lesson to not ever bring up that kind of subject again………
This is what I´ve been going thru several times since we started dating. But I can only blame myself now. This is who he is, It is my reponsibility to choose what kind of people I will allow into my life. He showed me what he was capable of doing early, and I could have just walked away but I didn´t. So in reality, Im hurting myself. But yes, it is hard to let go. But also the most important job I have, to take responsibilty of my life. we shouldn´t let these people hurt us. Easier said than done, I know.
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I’m currently experiencing the ST from my boyfriend of 3 years. Its incredible how emotionally draining, devastating, and torturous ST can be. I am beyond frustrated at this point. I have been emotionally suffering from ST..and I am sick and tired of this childish behavior. My boyfriend has been great for the past 3 years- very loving, kind, caring, and was always there for me. When we used to fight, he would avoid me for a few days, maybe 3-4 days max. However, I would usually text him or be the one to call him to apologize and make amends. I didn’t realize the problem of ST got worse over the years. Our relationship has mainly been long distance, since I have been away for college. Recently, I graduated and moved back home, close to where he lives. I was very excited about seeing him more often. However, the for the first two weeks since I moved back (about a month ago), we’ve been arguing over little things. Things I don’t take to heart or even think much about. But to him, he is overly sensitive and takes it to heart. He never tells me whats bothering him, but he takes his anger out at me by giving me the ST. So last month, apparently after a “little” fight we had, he told me he didn’t want to speak to me anymore and hung up the phone. This time, I didn’t want to apologize, because I felt like its something I’ve always been doing. Plus, I felt like he was overreacting, and I didn’t feel like I did anything wrong to him. Okay, so I waited.. and waited.. thinking a few days would do. WRONG.. the holidays (christmas) was coming up, I thought he would definitely give me a call. NOPE. He never called on Christmas OR on New Years. It blew my mind.. I didn’t know he was capable of doing something like this to me. What happened to the loving bf I had?? Its been about a month now, and he still refuses to talk to me. I called him once, but he said he wasn’t ready to talk.. this time I’m just going to see how things play out. I’m not going to wait around anymore. This is ridiculous. ST is a very selfish and destructive. It is extremely cruel to the people you are doing it to, and is unnecessary. This is definitely giving me second thoughts.
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