Judgments Like Bellybuttons

When I was in high school, all the bad-ass boys drove Mustangs.  My brother called them “bellybutton cars” because, like bellybuttons, everyone seemed to have one.  Of course, looking back, only certain heavy metal fans with mullets really had them at the time, but that’s not the point.  My real point is to describe a phenomenon that is just about as common as your bellybutton: judgments.  We all have judgments of one thing or another, even if we don’t want to admit to being “judgmental.”

A lot of judgment comes from fear.  Maybe we are frustrated by the person in front of us who is taking such a long time to pay for their coffee.  We get angry at this person, and make up some story about them- maybe we decide this person is stupid, or has some political bent that we hate, or is richer than us- piling judgments on top of judgments.  In reality, this person isn’t doing anything to us, and we know nothing about him or her,  but maybe we are afraid to get to work too late, and feeling as if we aren’t in control of the situation.  We may get so focused on our judgment of this person that we ignore the real issue: we are afraid of something.  

We can shine awareness on our judgments rather than trying not to have them.  We can notice ourselves judging someone and making up stories about them, and then ask ourselves how we are truly feeling in the moment.  Now we are giving ourselves much more attention than we were giving the person we were judging.  With this attention, we can actually give ourselves what we need in the moment, rather than allow our imaginations to carry us away from ourselves.

 

A Bowling Ball For Wilma

Fred Flintstone would always give Wilma a bowling ball on her birthday.  Every single year, she’d get something that would make a better birthday gift for Fred.  He never really figured out what she wanted, and repeatedly gave her what he would like to have for himself.

In relationships, we all can be a bit like Fred, even with the best intentions.  I learned about this myself when I was first dating my husband.  When I am upset, I generally like to be held.  When he is upset, he needs space.  So, when we were first together, if either of us was upset, we’d try comfort one another by giving what we would normally wish to have for ourselves.  Here I’d be crying, and he would be across the room, not offering touch.  Or, there he’d be upset, and I would get in his personal space, which would make him flinch.  We were both being Fred Flintstone with his bowling ball for Wilma.  We finally figured it out through communication: “When I am upset, I would like it if you could….”  We both learned to do the opposite of what we would want for ourselves when the other was upset.  I learned to sit tight, and offer support from the other end of the couch, he learned to come closer.  It didn’t feel natural at first, but now it does. 

Often in relationships, we are hoping our partner will just psychically figure out what we need, and give it to us.  When this doesn’t occur, we might get angry, or make up stories about our partner’s shortcomings.  It may not seem very romantic at first, but we actually have to teach our partners how to love us, how to give us what we need.  The romantic part comes when we follow through on each others’ requests. 

 

Story Time: The Golden Windows

There is a story called “The Golden Windows” by Laura E. Richards.  I read it as a child, and it made an impression.  Every day, a boy sees a house in the distance with shining windows made of gold and diamonds.  One day, he decides to find the house, and wanders until he does.  When he gets there, the house only has normal windows, but the girl who lives there says that there is another house with golden windows.  She points it out, and he discovers that, from this perspective, his house has windows that are made of gold and diamonds.  He is filled with happiness, and runs back home.

 It is often easier to see others’ golden windows, and then assume that we have none of our own.  We may feel jealous of people who have some characteristic that we find appealing, and we can focus on how much better than us that person seems.  It is sometimes difficult to imagine that we also have admirable, enviable traits, but of course, we do.  If we find ourselves sinking into feelings of inferiority when we see another person shine, we can try something different.  This person isn’t shining instead of us, but is shining as well as us, only from a different vantage point.   

 

Jogging Rorschach Test

When I was in college, I loved jogging.  I was like Forrest Gump; running and running and running.  It got to where people recognized me, and asked if they could run with me, and most of the time, I said yes.  Now, I was not a fast runner, but I could run very long distances.  I started to notice that people had different approaches to running with me that spoke volumes about their approach to relationships in general.  

There were two general camps of boys that would run with me.  One extreme included the ones who didn’t want to be outdone by a girl, and would spend the runs trying to run much faster than me, trying to outdo me.  If I worked hard enough, I could run at their pace long enough for the truth to come out- these were people who couldn’t do long distance running, at all.  The others were the ones who were seeing this as a more social outing, and would match -but not try to beat- my pace. With the competitive boys, the runs were exhausting and never lasted long, and neither did the friendships. Trying to keep up with someone who makes everything a competition is no fun!  With the non-competitive ones, the runs could go on for a long time, and so did the friendships.  It was incredibly refreshing to have my pace respected for what it was.

Sometimes, we meet people who feel threatened by our talents, and who try to outdo us, or make us look bad, so that they feel better about themselves.  We might notice this because we are constantly tense around them, or feeling as if we need to perform for them in order to be in relationship.  These people are like the competitive boys I ran with- no fun.  There are other people who accept us as we are, and who enjoy our talents. We can be ourselves with these people, and things unfold at our pace, rather than one that feels too hard or too fast.  Friendships with people who aren’t competing with us or trying to put us down, are friendships that can last a long time. 

Bringing Meaning Back to the Habitual

If you have been involved with someone or something for a long time, there are words and actions that become habitual, due to their frequency.  We may end up losing some of the meaning behind our words and actions.  So, saying “I love you” to a partner can become something we say when we may actually mean something else.  It can be a good exercise to stop for a moment when we are about to say, “I love you,” and ask ourselves what we are really feeling in the moment.  When we do this, all sorts of nuances arise.  

Sometimes, “I love you” means “I want you to tell me you love me.”  It can mean that we want reassurance because we are feeling insecure, or that we find our partner to be so adorable in this very moment, we can barely handle it.  We may be really saying something like, “I know we just had this argument, but I want you to know that it doesn’t change my love for you, and I want to know that you still love me too.”  Or maybe it means, “I can see that you are scared right now, and I want to protect you and keep you safe.”  Sadly, it can also mean, “I am so mad at you right now, but I am so afraid to show you my anger.  Maybe if I tell you I love you, that will make it all go away.”   

So, for an interesting research project on yourself, take notice of the automatic things you say and do.  Pause for a moment, and ask yourself what it is you are feeling and wanting when you are saying or doing these things.  Then, express that feeling or desire rather than saying or doing the habitual.  Your experience may just become a little more rich and textured.

Respecting Dormancy

Spring has a way of sneaking up on me every year.  Months go by without any green, and then all of a sudden, little plants are shooting up everywhere I look.  The earliest flowers have already been blooming for weeks: forsythia, daffodils, crocuses.  It is almost past time to get the early vegetable seeds in the ground- peas, spinach, beets, and more.  I race to catch up with the season, after months and months of forgetting about all of the plants in my garden.  Every spring, I am a bit stunned that the plants “come back.”  It seems impossible- they’ve been “gone” for months.  Some childlike, self-centered part of me does not believe that anything I can’t see above the ground actually exists.  But there is life under the surface!  The proof comes with this riot of plant life that gets going every spring.  This mass emergence is dependent on the dormancy of winter, when the plants rest undisturbed.  

Like the plants, we all have a lot going on under the surface.  Sometimes, our brains can’t understand that- if the brain can’t see it, it must not exist.  So, we can easily start digging up the roots of things that need to stay under our emotional soil, things that need a period of dormancy to gain energy for emergence.  It could be that we are in the gestation period of our creative process- we aren’t feeling inspired, and so we worry that we are never going to come up with a new idea again.  This happened for me just last week with this very blog.  

Rather than relaxing during a dormant time, we might get anxious, and try to force inspiration before it is ready to break through the surface.  Nothing comes to us, so then we start picking at ourselves, not getting the quiet time necessary for our ideas to formulate.  At some point, we can learn to let ourselves rest during our dormant spells, and perhaps focus on something else that needs our attention.  Then, when our inspiration is ready for expression, it will burst through the surface just as the plants do every spring.

 

Waking Up is Hard to Do

Most people have had this happen: you wake up from a deep sleep and you can’t feel your arm.  You might not even be able to find it at first- maybe it is tucked behind your head, or under your back. So, you take the sleeping arm into your waking hand, and put it where you want it to be.  Then, the painful part begins.  As your arm wakes up, it feels as if a thousand needles are poking it.  It’s not the sleeping that hurts so much, it is the waking.

Sometimes, there are parts of ourselves that have been asleep for years.  If you grew up in an abusive environment, you survived by tucking certain aspects of yourself deep inside, safe from harm.  Usually, these are the things that are your strongest qualities, because you get abused for that which stands out about yourself.  Maybe you put your vulnerable, caring part to sleep, so that you wouldn’t feel the pain of the abuse. Perhaps you shut down your desire to express unique ideas, so that you wouldn’t be ridiculed. As an adult, you may start noticing that you want to wake these parts of yourself up again, so that you can have a more fulfilling experience in life.  This is where it might get painful. 

As you start to rouse your sleeping emotional limbs, you might feel the pins and needles of raw vulnerability.  You may re-experience some of the feelings that made you tuck those parts of yourself away in the first place.  The important thing to know is that, as an adult, you are no longer in a dangerous situation, even if it feels that way at first.  There is no need to rush into waking everything up, and it really does help to do so in a supportive environment.  But once the waking-up starts to happen, it is good to know that the prickly feelings will pass, just as they do when your arm is finally awake. 

Death, William Shatner, and Vinny

On his album “Has Been” William Shatner has a lovely song about death called “You’ll Have Time.”  He manages to be simultaneously funny and poignant.  Repeatedly,  he states, “Live life like you’re gonna die….’cause you’re gonna.”  This brings to mind my friend Vinny, who I met when he was dying of cancer.  He was 35, and he told me that all of his life, he meant to throw himself into doing artwork, but always would say, “Later. After this…”  When he realized that he was really dying, he told me, “I wish that I had pursued art before getting a death sentence.  Still, I plan to do nothing but art from now until the end.”  That is exactly what he did- he created an inspiring amount of art in his last few months.  

So often, there are things that we want to do, but we put them off, thinking “Later. After this…”  Maybe we hope that an opportunity will fall into our laps.  These things do not have to be wild dreams, but can be little things.  Maybe we want to learn a new language, or take a bike trip.  Maybe there is something we wish we could say to someone.  We may have a lot of “Yeah, buts…” lined up in response to picturing ourselves doing it.  Some of these “yeah, buts” are weak arguments we come up with, because we are afraid: of trying something new, of failing, of looking foolish.  If we take the time to sort through these fears, we may find the strength to do something we dream of now, rather than waiting until it is our last chance.

Chapter Four: Ousted Mouse

If mice have been ensconced in your home for a while, they will become very resistant to the idea of any sort of change, especially if they have had unlimited access to food, such as that left out for your pet.  As you remove food sources and set traps, the mouse population goes down.  The closer you get to ousting them, the more determined, tricky, and tenacious the survivors will be.  Even though you have fewer mice, it may seem like there are more, because the survivors have turned into olympic evil geniuses. So, you are forced to get more creative and vigilant as they figure things out, until you’ve gotten rid of them all.

In therapy, we work very hard to change habits and behaviors that aren’t working for us.  The ones that have been ensconced for years are the hardest ones to let go of.  They don’t go quietly.  We may make great headway in becoming more loving and accepting of ourselves, when all of a sudden, it seems as if old, self-defeating behaviors race toward us at full speed.  This is similar to the mice getting more determined as they are being ousted- our old habits are feeling desperate because they know they are losing power, so they get more creative and tricky in hopes that they can stay.  

During these times, we may start to wonder if we have made any headway at all.  We’ve worked so hard on ourselves, and suddenly we’re getting all sorts of self-defeating messages from within.  Our inner critic has become an olympic evil genius who is suddenly yelling at us through a megaphone. It takes some creativity and muscle, but we can learn to tune into the quiet, true voice that is growing inside of us.  We can label the loud voice of the inner critic as that of someone who is losing power and trying desperately to hold on to it. Eventually, as we become more creative and vigilant, we can relax into our new way of being.  

Chapter Three: Boundary Mouse

Mice easily enter a house that has openings, warmth, and easy access to food.  Basically, they will come in as far as you let them, and take whatever you leave out for them, whether it is nesting material or food.  To keep them out, you have to seal the cracks to the outside, and keep any potential food source out of reach.  Otherwise, they will come in and eat your food and make nests all over your house.  It can feel as if the mice are coming in just to mess with us, but really, they are just doing what mice do, with no concept of how it impacts us.

When we don’t have boundaries with people in our lives, they can also get into our personal space and take over.  Like mice, some people will come in as far as we let them, and take as much as we give.  It is easy to get angry at the person who does this, and to feel as if they are messing with us, too- but most likely, they are unaware that they have crossed a line.  Perhaps  we always say “yes” when a friend asks for a favor, even when we don’t want to.  Maybe we don’t even show our reluctance, and we outwardly appear to be cheerful about it, while inside we are angry and resentful.  The friend keeps asking for favors, and we get increasingly resentful, but we still aren’t saying “no,” while hoping that this person will read our minds and stop asking. 

It is our job to communicate just where our boundaries are, as much as we hope that people will figure it out for themselves.   Sometimes, it can feel like a lot of work to identify and enforce our own boundaries.  It can feel awkward to say “no” to people who want things from us.  This awkwardness is a small price to pay for the peace of mind that results from knowing that our personal space is free of intruders.

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