A Bowling Ball For Wilma
Fred Flintstone would always give Wilma a bowling ball on her birthday. Every single year, she’d get something that would make a better birthday gift for Fred. He never really figured out what she wanted, and repeatedly gave her what he would like to have for himself.
In relationships, we all can be a bit like Fred, even with the best intentions. I learned about this myself when I was first dating my husband. When I am upset, I generally like to be held. When he is upset, he needs space. So, when we were first together, if either of us was upset, we’d try comfort one another by giving what we would normally wish to have for ourselves. Here I’d be crying, and he would be across the room, not offering touch. Or, there he’d be upset, and I would get in his personal space, which would make him flinch. We were both being Fred Flintstone with his bowling ball for Wilma. We finally figured it out through communication: “When I am upset, I would like it if you could….” We both learned to do the opposite of what we would want for ourselves when the other was upset. I learned to sit tight, and offer support from the other end of the couch, he learned to come closer. It didn’t feel natural at first, but now it does.
Often in relationships, we are hoping our partner will just psychically figure out what we need, and give it to us. When this doesn’t occur, we might get angry, or make up stories about our partner’s shortcomings. It may not seem very romantic at first, but we actually have to teach our partners how to love us, how to give us what we need. The romantic part comes when we follow through on each others’ requests.