Life & Therapy

My daughter has entered a grade level where she and her classmates are trying to work out some complex social dynamics. Children huddle and talk about some other child that they don’t like. I have been trying to work through my own emotional reactions to this so that I can find a way to talk about it with her without scolding her for it. I confess that some of my attempts to do so have been unsuccessful. There is history here: I am sure that I am not alone when I say that I have scars from this sort of exclusionary behavior. I also have engaged in it myself. I still struggle with finding the difference between talking about someone just to gossip, and talking about someone in order to find ways to solve a problem that I am having with that person. There is a big difference between gossiping and troubleshooting.

I grew up believing that to talk about someone behind their back is gossip, period. A teacher once said that even saying something nice about someone behind their back is gossip. I’ve learned over time that talking about someone who isn’t there can sometimes have a positive impact. A person in an abusive relationship can gain quite a bit by talking about it to someone else. In my psychotherapy practice, my clients discuss many of their relationships with me, so that they can navigate the issues that they are having with people in their lives and come up with solutions. Sometimes, we all need to discuss our feelings about someone with a person who can help us sort out those feelings and then figure out what to do. This is productive and much different than gossip.

Gossip is not productive. No problem is being solved when we gossip about another person. If anything, we want that outsider to continue to be offensive so that we can keep talking about him or her. A while back, I noticed that I was engaged in similar behavior via Facebook. I might be out for a bike ride and get angry with someone who was being dangerous or inconsiderate, and I would notice myself already composing my Facebook status about that inconsiderate person, rather than say something to them in real time. I made a rule for myself: no posting about someone on Facebook or venting to someone else as a substitute for confrontation. As a result, I’ve spoken up for myself more and I’ve learned that most people rise to the occasion. Posting on Facebook rather than speaking would have robbed me of a chance to learn that.

I am still working on this while trying to help my children with it, but I think I am getting better at navigating this particular problem. Here are some good questions to ask when tempted to talk about someone behind their back: Can I directly address the person I am upset with about what they are doing? If the answer is “yes,” then do so. If the answer is “no,” then ask this next question: Am I talking about this person in order to seek help in solving the problem, or am I locking the problem in place by gossiping? If it turns out that I am gossiping, there is another question to ask: What do I get out of having the situation locked into place, and is that something I actually want? These questions hold great potential for inner change and external connection if they are answered honestly.