A Breakup Disguised as an Ultimatum

I once overheard a person describing her frustration with her partner to a friend.  It was clear that things were not working out in the relationship, that she had reached the end of her rope and truly wanted to call it quits.  She listed her many grievances, and stated that she was tired of being treated badly, and wasn’t going to put up with it any more.  I expected to hear her say something like, “That’s it, I’m ending it.”  Instead, she said, “I left him a message telling him that if he didn’t call me by the end of the day, then it is over.”  She seemed convinced that her soon-to-be-ex would not return her call, thus ending the relationship.  I thought to myself, “Well, then- what happens if he calls her?”

In this situation, it was clear that this woman wanted the relationship to end, but didn’t want to be the person to do so.  She felt pretty confident that she could count on her partner to respond to her “ultimatum” in the way she wished him to. If so, he gets to be the bad guy, and she gets to be the victim with the moral high ground.  After all, she gave him a chance, but he clearly didn’t care enough to call, so she had no choice!  The problem with this strategy is that this person is not owning the breakup.  She wants the relationship to end, and isn’t saying so.  She is giving her power away to this person that treats her poorly, letting him decide her fate with very little effort on his part.  All that he needs to do to keep this relationship is to call her by the end of the day.  Or not.

If you recognize yourself in this person’s situation, you may lack the confidence it takes to decide your own fate.  You may be in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship, but are too frightened to be the one to end it.  If so, it would be wise to examine just what it is that scares you.  Are you worried that you’ll be abandoning that person?  Are you afraid that you will seem like a mean person?  If you want a relationship to end, you do not need permission or an excuse, and it is crucial that you take ownership of the breakup rather than hand it over to someone else.

Ultimatums versus Boundaries

In relationships, it is much better to set boundaries than it is to give ultimatums.  A good boundary is the result of knowing yourself and having standards for how you want to be treated in relationship.  An ultimatum is the result of not setting boundaries to begin with; you find yourself unhappy with how you are being treated and you are focus on changing your partner’s behavior.  The crucial difference is that boundaries come from a solid place inside of you, whereas an ultimatum comes from a wish about how things could be.  It takes self-esteem to set a boundary, whereas most ultimatums come from a sense of desperation.

In many cases, the ultimatum is a poor substitute for a good boundary.  You may have been in a relationship in which you didn’t set boundaries to begin with, and you may wish you did.  Perhaps you wanted to say something early on, but didn’t because you were afraid of losing that person.  Now you’ve been together for a while, and you realize you want to be treated differently.  Instead of looking at the part you played in setting up the standards of your relationship, you decide that your partner needs to change their behavior, so you give them an ultimatum.  You are now focused on your partner’s behavior rather than your own, and this takes you away from yourself.  The more focus you put on getting your partner to change, the less you are able to figure out what your own boundaries are.  You may threaten your partner with dire consequences if they don’t change, but those consequences are somewhere in the future, dependent on something your partner may or may not do.

Instead of attempting to change your partner by making threats, look inside and see just what it is you really want in a relationship.  Rather than focusing on your partner’s potential, look at what is right in front of you.  What have you been settling for right here and now, in the hopes that something will change?  How long have you been settling for it?  Don’t expect your partner to change their behavior in order for you to decide what to do with the relationship.

For more on ultimatums in relationship, go here.

Cleaning out the Old, Making Room for the New

We’ve reached the end of the year, and the end of a decade. This year, I feel like cleaning up the house, getting rid of things that we don’t need; the things that have been collecting dust for so long. Some of these things made sense in our lives 10 years ago, but no longer apply. They are taking up precious space in our cabinets, closets and shelves. I want to make room for the things that are useful, that apply to life as we are living it now.

The marking of the New Year is an excellent time to “clean house” emotionally as well. What emotional habits no longer apply to your life as you are living it today? What worked for you 10 years ago, but now feels like clutter? Is there something that is taking up space and energy that you can let go of? What new things would you like to make room for in your life? Now is an excellent time to sort through your emotional belongings, separating what you want to keep, and what you would like to toss.

Happy New Year!

“I Want to Break Up with My Partner, but I Don’t Want to Hurt Them.”

When I was younger, I chose some pretty awful boyfriends, so breaking up with them was a no-brainer.  I felt justified because they clearly didn’t care about me anyway, or they had done some terrible thing, or they did the dirty work of breaking up with me.  I really preferred to be the heartbroken one with the moral high ground.  This is a pretty common pattern for a person who sees themselves as committed, but is actually quite scared of commitment: choose people who obviously can’t commit (addicts, philanderers, what have you), and then blame them when things don’t work out.

This strategy worked well until one day I found myself wanting to break up with someone who really didn’t want to let go.  He hadn’t done anything unusually horrible,  yet the relationship was never going to go anywhere.  I finally realized that it wouldn’t end unless I ended it, and the concept of doing so scared me.  I remember saying as I broke up with him, “Trust me, later you will realize that this was really good for you.”  Of course he did not agree with me whatsoever, nor did he congratulate me for breaking his heart, much to my dismay.  I had really wanted him to validate my choice.

There is no easy way to break up with someone when you know that they want to stay with you.  Your choice will hurt that person, and there is no way to prevent that pain.  The relationship is over, and nothing you do is going to change that truth.  You might “stay,” but you aren’t actually there.  It takes courage to be the one to officially end it;  while it may be better for both of you in the long run, that truth is painful in the here and now.  It may be difficult to accept the idea that your soon to be ex-partner will now be harboring negative feelings about you.  Those negative feelings are inevitable.  You are allowed to leave, and your partner is allowed to feel hurt, disappointed, sad, and even angry about it.

The end of the relationship gives both parties the opportunity for deeply meaningful growth.   Whether your partner takes advantage of this opportunity or decides to remain stuck in resentment is none of your business now.  You cannot control or manage anyone’s opinion of you.  You are free to move on and grow beyond this relationship.

For more about this, go here.

Gratitude: Short and Sweet

The more gratitude you shine on something, the bigger and better it becomes.  Happy Thanksgiving!

For more thorough thoughts on gratitude, go here: http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?cat=24

Getting the Love You Deserve

If you are asking the question, “Do I deserve love?” then you probably were treated as if you didn’t at some point in your life, most likely during your childhood. You were born deserving love- every one of us was.  If you did not get that love, for whatever reason, then you sustained a tragic injury.  The way to heal that injury is to learn how to love yourself.   The more you are able to love yourself, the more you are able to accept the love of others.

Learning to love yourself is hard work, because in order to do so, you have to accept the parts of yourself that you’ve rejected for  your entire life.  You’ve rejected them because someone else did at a time when you were young and fragile.  That rejection was so painful, you resolved that you would do whatever it took to avoid feeling that pain again.  You decided that whatever part of you was “causing” this rejection was ugly, undesirable, and bad.

To heal the rejected parts of yourself, it is important to understand that you did nothing to cause the rejection.  There were no ugly, undesirable, or bad parts,  and there aren’t any now,  either.   You are feeling the pain of an injury, and that injury needs gentle attention rather than more beatings from you.  Start by noticing which qualities you dislike in yourself, that you are sure no one else could possibly love.  Now you have a roadmap- learn to accept these qualities as unique and lovable, and you are on your way to accepting that you deserve love.

For more on deserving love, go here.

Worrying about being “That” Person

How often have you wanted to do something, but were afraid to because you wouldn’t want to be “that” sort of person?  Perhaps you want a little more attention from your partner, but are afraid to ask, because you don’t want to be that self-absorbed, narcissistic attention hog.  Maybe you want to ask for a raise at work, but you don’t want to be the asshole who thinks that they are better than everyone else.

As soon as you start limiting your actions based on fears about being “that person” you are no longer acting from your own instinct or desire.  You are allowing this imagined person to dictate your actions:  whatever the attention hog or asshole would do, you are going to do the opposite.  You don’t ask for the attention or the raise, and no one notices that you want one or the other: you sure showed those jerks!

The other thing that is happening when you forgo an action based on this sort of thinking is that you are missing a signal from yourself that is telling you what you actually want to do.  Every time you say, “Well, I wouldn’t want to be THAT person, so I am not going to do such-and-such,” you are actually feeling something much different.  What you are actually feeling is probably more along the lines of, “Wow, I really want to do such-and-such, but I am afraid that people will think I am a narcissist or an asshole.”

If you can catch yourself worrying about being that person, you have a golden opportunity to make a great change in your life.  You now know two things: you want a certain thing, and you are afraid that if you ask for it, you will be judged by someone.  Allow yourself to feel the desire you are having.  Notice the story you are telling yourself about “that” person you don’t want to be.  Try to figure out just who you are afraid is judging you.  From here, you can start to unravel the truth of your situation from your fears about it.

Disengaging from the Silent Treatment

Many people struggle with the silent treatment as a form of conflict in relationship. The dynamic tends to be as follows: one person withdraws attention from the other, who then responds by trying to get their partner to break their silence.  The more  the recipient of the silent treatment attempts to break their partner’s silence, the more the giver of the silent treatment gets the attention they want, the more silent they become, and a vicious cycle has begun.

So, how does one break the vicious cycle?  It depends on which side of the dynamic you are on.  On both sides, it is tempting to respond from a place of pain, and find ways to make your partner feel that pain.  This only feeds the cycle, because you are still focusing your attention on that person.

If you are getting the silent treatment, you need attention, and the only person who can give it to you is yourself.  The best thing to do is to notice how much you are ignoring yourself by trying to get your partner to see you.  You don’t have to play the same game.  You can say whatever it is you need to say, then focus on yourself and tend to your wounds.  Notice how much focus you still want to give your partner when you hope they notice that you are focusing on yourself, and let that thought go.  Keep focusing on your own pain, find your own means of soothing yourself, and do your best to not make this process about your partner and how much of a jerk they are being.  The point is to disengage, not to engage further by giving the silent treatment back at your partner.

If you are giving the silent treatment, because it is a habit you learned, and you want to figure out how to disengage, you are likely going to have to face some vulnerable feelings.  While you are giving the silent treatment, notice what sort of thoughts you are having.  How much attention are you actually giving your partner during this time, hoping that they will feel hurt by your silence?  You are also ignoring yourself if you are sitting there silently punishing your partner.  Use this time to really explore what it is that is upsetting you.  Find out just what it is you hope that the silent treatment will accomplish. Know that speaking will be much more effective in communicating your specific needs and desires.

A relationship is a dynamic between emotional equals.  Even abusive relationships involve an abuser matched with a person who believes that they don’t deserve better.  It is tempting to break the dynamic down into the black and white world of “right and wrong.” The silent treatment is part of this equation.  The best way to change an unfortunate dynamic is to change the part of you that fits the dynamic, rather than try to change your partner.

For more on the silent treatment, please go here:

Posts about the Silent Treatment

Expectations can Lead to Frustration

As a new parent, I am re-learning many things.  One lesson in particular is about getting attached to expectations, versus understanding the reality of a situation.  When we have an expectation that has very little to do with reality, and more to do with our desires, we can easily become frustrated.

Learning our baby’s napping routine has been a perfect example of this.  After reading about babies that sleep for an hour or two at a time, I began to expect this of my own baby.  Unfortunately, her naps are thirty minutes long, no matter what.   My expectations that these naps last longer than that caused much frustration all around, until I surrendered to the reality of the situation.  Now that I am not fighting the truth, everything is going more smoothly in Nap World.

There are many ways we can ignore the truth by setting up an expectation, a way that things “should” be, rather than how they really are.   A common example happens in relationships: we have an idea of how our partner “should” behave, while ignoring the truth of the situation.  We might fall for this person’s potential, our vision of who they could be if only they would change this or that.  The frustration comes when that person does not cooperate with our vision.  Rather than spending countless hours trying to get them to be what we want them to be, it is more fruitful to see what the truth is, and decide whether we can accept it, and what that acceptance means to us.  While the truth can be hard to accept, acceptance gives us nothing to fight with, and the real work can begin.

Update, and Some Thoughts on Fear

It has been quite some time since I’ve written, but I want to say that this blog is not dead!  I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus, because I gave birth to my first child recently, and things like this blog are hard to keep up with.  I hope to post a thing or two, perhaps sporadically, sometime soonish, though.  One thing that is on my mind these days is just how easily we can derail ourselves with fear when we aren’t in control of a situation.  It is easy to fill in the blanks of the unknown with disaster scenarios that rarely come to pass.  When this happens, our feelings are probably pointing us to a situation that is just not ours to control, rather than imminent disaster.  Time to slow down and attend to the feelings, rather than follow them to the crazy place they’d like us to go!

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