Ending a Relationship by Using the Silent Treatment
As I’ve mentioned before, I like to look at the key phrases people use to find this website. A surprising amount of searches follow some form of “Should I break up using the Silent Treatment?” It is as if the searcher is hoping that if they ignore their partner, the relationship will magically go away. Being the person to end a relationship is hard for a number of reasons, so it is understandable that one would want to skip the hard part and have things be done.
There are multiple problems with using the silent treatment instead of communicating the end of the relationship. The biggest issue is that you haven’t stated that the relationship is over: all you have done is withdrawn communication. As far as your partner is concerned, you are still together but now you are giving him or her the Silent Treatment. Another issue is that, instead of your partner cooperating with this unspoken breakup by disappearing from your life, they are more likely to increase their attention as they attempt to find out why you have suddenly withdrawn into silence. You can expect to get many phone calls, emails, and texts asking you what is going on. If you outlast your partner’s curiosity, and successfully get them to disappear from your life by steadfastly ignoring them, you still have one last issue to deal with. You left a relationship completely unresolved. This is a problem because unresolved relationships are chock full of issues that will follow you into the next relationship you have. You can trade this partner for another, but you remain the same person with the same emotional issues, so if you believe that you’ve gotten out of dealing with those issues by leaving a relationship in this manner, you will be unhappy to find them all over again in the next relationship.
If you are tempted to leave a relationship by using the Silent Treatment, there are other options that will be more satisfying for you in the long run. The first thing to do is spend a little time looking inside and asking yourself what it is you want to avoid by not breaking up in person. Are you afraid of expressing your anger directly and do you want to punish your partner? Are you worried that your partner will be angry with you for breaking up? Is some part of you afraid that you don’t have permission to break up and that your partner won’t let you do so? Are you afraid that wanting to break up makes you a bad person somehow? Are you not sure you really want to break up, and are you hoping that the decision will be made for you based on your partner’s reaction to the Silent Treatment? Does some part of you want to move on but not really let your partner do so? Really explore here to discover just what it is you are afraid of, and find a way to address your fears first.
After you have addressed your fears, if you feel certain that you want to break up, you will need to gather the courage to tell your partner that you are ending the relationship. It won’t be easy, nor is your partner likely to thank you for it, so it helps to know for yourself what the benefits are to a truthful breakup rather than a sneaky one. The biggest benefit is that there is no guesswork on either side: your partner is not guessing about why you’ve gone silent, and you aren’t guessing how he or she feels, or when they are going to contact you or stop contacting you, and you know that the relationship is indeed over. There are other possibilities that could come with a well-communicated break up. You might get an opportunity to air your grievances and possibly receive validation and an apology. You might receive some feedback, however uncomfortable, about how you contributed to the relationship dynamic that caused the breakup. This gives you the chance to change things for a future relationship. At the very least, you had the courage to be truthful to yourself and your partner about the end of your relationship. Ending a relationship in this courageous and truthful manner makes things clear and uncomplicated, and a clear ending opens you up to forward motion and growth.
Other posts you might find interesting:
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: An Experiment for You
You Invested Energy Into It, but That Doesn’t Mean You Should Keep It
When the Silent Treatment Feels Like Your Only Option
“Handling” Conflict by Ignoring the Problem
Finding the Courage to Leave a Relationship
Communicating About Taking Space in a Relationship: An Alternative to the Silent Treatment
Being Truthful in Relationship Means Sometimes Saying Things People Don’t Want to Hear
17 comments
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I have been in a relationship with my lover for 5 years. I do believe it is a verbally abusive relationship. I find that he is never wrong, everything is always my fault, and if he does something wrong, I am the reason he did it, he lashes out at me with very nasty comments if I use the wrong word, I get the silent treatment for days. The relationship has not become physically abusive, although once a few years ago he is push me in the chest with his fingers until I fell on the couch. I have no idea how I became stuck in this sort of relationship, I didnt see it coming until I was in love with him. I thought I could make him happy, but I am finding he is very selfish, tight with his money when it comes to me, but can spend hundreds on booze and taking his friends on vacations with him, or tipping the waitress an absurd amount. He has been married a couple times before and has alot of baggage, the question I have is HOW do I get out of this relationship, I have tried numerous times, but he makes me feel quilty and sad when I try, so I end up coming back. I love him, but do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling unhappy and walking on eggshells.
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Run away while ur not married to him and that there are no legalities involved.
Otherwise you’ll be stuck for rest of ur life like me.
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Im in love with , engaged to and living with a controlling man. Its been 14 months . He is loverly , kind, helpfull , loving , great lover and he puts up with my foi balls – usually with a gorgeous smile . But he is damaged .He is insecure but can come across as arrogant , i think this is a pretend character. He has anger management issues – snaps for the seeminly smallest thing [ in my mind] , and theres no getting him out of this mood because he refuses to talk ! He has been voilent to me once – had me round the throat and im now scared when i can feel him bubbling up! He uses the silent treatment to control me , but caves in when he sees me crying saying” I hate to see you cry ” . When i ask him why he does it then he cant answer me! Help please .
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I threw my girlfriend the key as i was leaving. Packed everything silently in front of her and as i was leaving, tossed her the key. Good indication its over without words 🙂
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My husband and I are in our late 40s. We have been together for 10 years and married for a little over 1 year. He recently got a job where he is required to leave and train for 6 weeks. He will get angry at me and not take my calls or respond to my texts, while he has been away. He refuses to communicate with me and if the conversation even gets a little heated he says, ” I don’t want to argue ” thus never talking about a problem and then he ignores me until I’m absolutely livid. He will not respond to any call or text from me as he is using this means to avoid any and all communication. He will not even call me on a lunch break. I’m growing very tired of this as I am his wife and He knows this is punishing me. I get so angry that I’m ready to pack up and leave. Am I missing something much deeper on this relationship?
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Please, nobody break up with someone using the silent treatment! 2 men have done this to me recently and I really can’t take it any more! By all means don’t have any contact with them after you’ve broken up with them, but please just break up with them properly and honestly first. I’m only a teenager but I have bee.emotionally and mentally scarred by this ‘silent treatment’ because I’m both embarrassed that I didn’t realise I was dumped at first, and at a complete loss as to why they didn’t want to see me anymore , thus rendering me incapable of getting over them the way I should, thanks for listening
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I was seeing a guy since August 2015 I found out I was pregnant a week before Xmas and he didn’t want me to have it then later on in the day said he did and he was just shocked. So 3 days later I sent him a text message saying that I feel he was forcing his feeling about wanting the baby. The next day he sent me a reply saying I’m talking rubbish. I replied back to him later in the day and he didn’t reply. I called him and no answer. 2 days later I had a miscarriage I rang and text him to let him know and up to now TWO WEEKS later he hadn’t replied and has now blocked all my calls and texts even from numbers I have used from friends and families. Baring in mind he has given me the silent treatment for 5 days s month before. So I’m guessing it’s really over since hes blocked me on Whatsapp and my calls and texts too. Its so hurtful that someone can do that without telling you why and my head hurts so much
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It doesn’t matter how you know each other,when people meet they say hello,why not say goodbye. There is no need of just giving someone a silent treatment. Just think about it,if someone do that to you,would you like it. People who do this shows lack of communication,which I think was the major issue why they end here. You don’t have to say much, but you can say you know this is not working for me,I’m sorry,got it. We all feel it when we are heading to a break up.
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I’m currently living with an older man. He is divorced from his children’s mother, but feels that he owes them. He has a son and a daughter, the son is married and has a son. My partner is being used and manipulated by his daughter, son and daughter-in-law. The daughter-in-law is using his grandson to get to him. My family is quite tight-knit. We have our fights, but are always there for each other, whereas his family isn’t as close. At the moment I leave the home I share with my partner as soon as I find out his son, daughter-in-law and grandson are coming. His daughter-in-law also claims to be born again (dipped in water), but also dabbles in witchcraft through her aunt. I’m afraid that she has bewitched my partner and that’s why he’s acting this way towards me.
He has gone so far as to tell me two weeks ago that he doesn’t love me. He also asks me over weekends why I don’t go out with my family and spend more time with them. He doesn’t communicate his plans or anything he wants to do or when he invites people over with me. When I’ve asked him about it in the past he said he doesn’t need to tell me anything as he can invite anyone over that he wants and that they know that his home is always open to them.
Please help me, I don’t know what to do
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This is leaving out the biggest reason you shouldn’t use silent treatment to end a relationship–or for any other reason. It is ABUSE. Psychological torture. It is a flat-out evil thing to do to someone. It can DESTROY the person you are doing it to…it can cause emotional damage that can last for years. It activates the same part of the brain as physical pain. And if you are using it to end a relationship, that means you are probably doing it long-term. This article treats the silent treatment as a reasonable thing to even consider doing, ever. It isn’t. Just don’t do it, to anyone. Find an ounce of empathy within yourself and talk to the person that has cared about you. If you can’t do that, you won’t just have some problems in your next relationship…you will be showing you are completely incapable of a loving relationship. You should stay away from any kind of relationship, because you are dangerous.
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Shows strength. Reverting to silent treatment was of course time and time trying to communicate and then you realize your just going around in circles and it’s best to end it in silence.
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I am have a problem with my relationships ending in silent treatments and its hurting me because i do not know were i have gone wrong. Do you think i should confront my exs for closure because nowadays when i try out a new relationship i end up giving them a silent treatment
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I want to share my experience maybe it can be helpful for others. My 50 yo partner of less than one year just left me. We were on vacation together and one morning he wakes up has an anger outburst and decides that we’re ending our vacation early and ending our relationship. I was in shock. On the way home he insulted me in many ways and said it was all my fault and I am completely crazy. This was only ten days ago and I am still figuring this out but I do have understood a few things. When we started our relationship it was almost like a fairytale- hard to let go of something so beautiful maybe for both of us.
But we had differences: I am highly educated and used to communication he left school when he was 15 and started working. When things were becoming real between us he started giving me the silent treatment.i started becoming insecure and clingy. On that morning after my new request for explanation he lost it and said he was sick and tired of analysing everything. I now understand after reading you that it was anger he was trying to conceal when he gave me the silent treatment. I know he had anger issue before and maybe he simply doesn’t know how to handle it. He has alcohol problems and had an abusive childhood. He also has two kids and is a wonderful father but his previous relationships also ended in my understanding because he put up a wall. Maybe he had this anger attack precisely because he was tired of me asking and asking and asking for confirmation or explanation. Maybe he was really trying to give it to me in the first place and just couldn’t. Maybe I should have trusted him more. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so insecure. Maybe maybe maybe
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I am under silent treatment since last May, so almost a year. It hurts like hell and I am still in the same May! Every day, talking to my friend in my mind. Letters, calls, emails, texts all get ignored. Maybe he throws them away without even reading. It happened very suddenly, after he said that I am his dearest friend ever. Then, suddenly, he disappeared and stopped replying, even left the city to where I cannot find him. We do not have any mutual contacts to ask or inquire. Once in a while, I am getting some news from the web that he is alive and doing well (he is an artist). We did not have any romantic relationship, it was just a very close friendship. He is also happily married, so there are no girlfriends involved. After 10 months, it is clear to me that he will never respond anymore, there is a tiny hope that he just needed a break, but why not tell me, we had much more personal and private conversations than that. What I am thinking, it is not a cruel act or an act of some antipathy or aversion – I literally ceased to exist for him. Erased. We somehow always choose who to get close with, even if subconsciously, and who to keep a distance with. So in this case he decided that his life does not include me anymore. Why? Who knows, I think it is an impulse to change something, to renew, to be “born again”. He turned me off, like a CD. And probably put on other music… The question remains: how can a human heart suddenly delete a person? But unfortunately, we know many instances where people delete other people. Probably, we have to address the issue of not feeling any shame doing that. In many cases, people refrain from despicable or condemnable act because shame does not let them commit these acts, But between friends, I do not know anyone in the West, who refrains from breaking the once-sworn-on, once-loving and once-faithful friendship out of shame. People usually prioritize themselves when something pushes them to delete another person.
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in a Relationship with my Girlfriend going on 5 years been divorced over 17 years I Have Two adult children total of 13 grandkids me and my X have a Cordial relationship mostly for our kids but when it comes to holidays or occasions that involves them my girlfriend has issues with being around my X even though she is invited and i want her there to support me she seems insecure about just about everything and always threaten to leave and give me the silent treatment every since Thanksgiving I Called her on the following Sunday she said she will call me back haven’t heard from her since and she does this often,