Life & Therapy

My daughter knows how to ask for things nicely, but lately she’s discovered that when she does, sometimes the answer is “No.”  As a result, she’s been experimenting with ways to avoid getting the answer she doesn’t want.  Instead of asking, she announces things like, “I’m just going to have a taste of this butter,” or “I’m just going to stick my finger in your nose.”  Her technique is to do whatever it is she is announcing as fast as she can, mid-announcement, before we can say “No.”  She hasn’t learned this yet, but doing things this way has the opposite effect of what she’s trying to achieve: it creates more conflict (we have to block her physically) and it reduces her chances of getting what she wants.

We all have our ways of trying to avoid getting an undesired answer from the people we are in relationship with, because it is easy to equate the word “no” with rejection.  Let’s say a couple has a fight.  Afterwards, one person wants to know that everything is okay, and wants to be held.  The other person wants a little space because the fight brought up some angry feelings.  The partner who wants to be held is too afraid that the answer is “No,” and instead of asking, reaches over and tries to hug the angry, space-needing partner, who then pulls away because asking for space is too scary.  Now one person feels rejected, and the other feels intruded upon, and the tension in the room skyrockets.

It can feel awkward and vulnerable at first to do this, but asking for what you want rather than just grasping for it can prevent a lot of heartache.  In the example from above, the person needing to be held can ask for this, rather than grabbing their partner.  The person needing space can ask for this, rather than simply retreating into silence or giving the silent treatment, which is the equivalent of grabbing personal space without asking.  When you allow the people you have relationships with to say what you don’t want to hear, you invite truth into those relationships.  This goes a long way to reduce game-playing and communication breakdowns, and to increase authenticity.

Other articles that you may find interesting:

Learning to Use Words

Mind-Reading, Guessing Games, and Communication Breakdowns in Relationships

Why Ultimatums Rarely Work in Relationships

Being Truthful in Relationships Sometimes Means Saying What People Don’t Want to Hear