The Relationship Dynamic of “Over-watering, Under-watering”
With plants, if you water too much or too little, the results are similar- the plant will get stressed, and if nothing changes, will die. People who over-water their plants tend to not trust that the plant will make it without their constant tending. They just keep pouring water on, and the roots can’t breathe, and the plant eventually suffocates. People who under-water tend to trust that the plant will magically feed itself. They go about their business, ignoring the thirsty plant, and then one day, it dries up.
In relationships, often an “over-waterer” will get together with an “under-waterer” and a similar dynamic happens. The over-waterer will keep track of everything, will constantly tend to the relationship with a hyper-vigilance on everything that goes on with their partner. The under-waterer will rely on the over-waterer to know what is going on in the relationship- not really actively contributing much until things start looking really bad, relying on their partner to tell them that things need to change.
Both partners in this dynamic get something out of it. The over-waterer never has to sit back and see what might happen if their partner were to come forward, so they are never vulnerable in that sense. Of course, they never get to be on the receiving end in the relationship. The under-waterer never has to come forward, so they never have to take a risk and expose themselves emotionally. The downside is that they don’t really get to express their feelings in the relationship.
Eventually, one person becomes uncomfortable with the dynamic and then everything gets shaken up. One person is going to have to learn to do less “watering” and sit with the restless, prickly feelings that come up with not being able to act. The other person is going to have to learn to water more, and take the risk of being exposed, and feel all the vulnerable feelings that come with the exposure. The pay-off in the long run is a much healthier and solid relationship that both partners can count on.
Other articles:
Disengaging from the Silent Treatment and Engaging with Each Other: An Experiment for You
Dealing with the Silent Treatment
Communicating about Taking Space in a Relationship- An Alternative to the Silent Treatment
7 comments
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WOW, this is exactly what I just experienced. The whole situation of I give anything to the relationship and he just takes. He gives nothing back until he gets upset. Then I get allot of harsh words with no real understanding of what his true feelings are. He is NOT an effective communicator. So, I decided with great relief to let myself off the hook of feeling bad and I told him that too. I offered him the road to talk about it, and if not, there is nothing I can do except to show respect towards it and not push for communication.
The more I don’t hear anything, is the “more” I know am beginning to understand better that I can not fix that is going on. This much is VERY true: You can’t help people who can’t and don’t want to help themselves. I have to remain a healthy-minded person. The silent treatment can be a very dangerous game for people to play.
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I have a partner who is 52 years old. He and I are both Taurus. He gets mad at me for things that my grown children do or don’t do and gives me the silent treatment. The only time he talks is when he needs something or have bill paid. I use to worry myself and cry and now after seeing a grown man do nothing but stay online socializing from the time he gets up until he goes to bed, makes me sick. He doesn’t work or contribute to the house hol but wants to be called man of the house. He says he does things 100 percent or nothing and believe me he is right. Because he does nothing, no emotions,no compassion, just being in cyberspace sometimes not knowing one day from the other. I have made up my mind, he first started the silent treatment on my 9 year old daughter because she doesn’t acknowledge him as a father figure, she’s only known him a year and a half and he is always wanting to put her on punishment for anything she does and he yells at her when he finds it convenient fro himself, so of course she isn’t comfortable with him and doesn’t like him. So I have made up my mind, no more cooking,,cleaning,washing his clothes, paying his bills, he is on his own. I was greatful enought to open my heart and home to him after he lose his job,home aznd car and this is what I get in return a lot of complaining,mental and physcial abuse and now the silent treatment. What a loser, the best thing he could do for me is be gone wheen I get home from work. And maybe he will see that it wasn’t as bad as he thought when he is sleeping in the street,.
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I found this as a clip in an article about the silent treatment. WOW is all I can say. I have been in a realationship with a man for about 22 years and he does the silent treatment. I feel all the emotions. Even after all these years I can’t seem to twist it and put it back on him or act like I dont care. I do it is my way and always has been to try to make EVERYONE happy even if it some how hurts me of may effect me in a not so good way. I have sat and tried to figure it out, what I mean is why I am that way??? God help me I would love to know why becasue then I could stop over watering!!! Good luck to all that is in this kind of realationship!!!
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Love the watering analogy. My relationship too has suffered exactly as you’ve described. My water tanks are depleted by his constant draining of my time and energy. WE cannot resolve our problems/differences as he refuses to attend counselling (obviously NOT a thisty horse!). He hasn’t spoken to me for almost 3wks now, hey that’s HIS choice. Your page on Dealing with the Silent Treatment has helped me enourmosly. I have been obsessing, spending lots of time windering how to get him to talk to me and tying myself in knot with the hurt and rejections. At last I can give MYSELF permission to stop being responsible for him AND to stop trying.
It is HIS responsiblity to own HIS behaviour. Living with someone denying their passive aggressive behabiour is a daily nightmare.