Life & Therapy

Some days I just hate to give consequences.  The ensuing tantrum from my daughter is no fun to deal with.  I often hope that the threat of the consequence is enough to get her to listen to me.  I’ve definitely learned that I need to be ready to back up whatever consequence I tell her about.  Here’s an example: one night at dinner, she was yelling rather loudly.  We have a rule about not yelling at the dinner table.  I told her that if she did not stop, I would take away her favorite shirt for the rest of the day.  It was a very special shirt, and normally, the idea of not having it for even a moment would be enough to stop her.  Not this time.  She kept yelling, and it was clear she was trying to see if I really meant it.  Taking that shirt away sent her into The World’s Worst Tantrum.  I held firm, but it was hard.  Her reaction was so dramatic that I started to wonder if I was The World’s Cruelest Mother.  I had to remind myself that it is not cruel to confiscate a shirt for a night.  The happy ending to the story is that she learned from this experience- she knows that she is not allowed to yell at the dinner table, and she knows that her mom means what she says.

The most important thing to me about following through with consequences is to teach my daughter that I mean the things that I say to her.  If I consistently don’t follow through, she will learn that I don’t mean what I say, which ends up being a scary thing for children to find out about their parents.  After all, if I keep saying there are consequences to her actions but then there aren’t any, why should she take my word about anything else?  I want her to take my word for the fact that putting her hand on the hot stove will burn her, or that running out into the street is dangerous.  I don’t want her to find out the hard way.  I also want her to take my word for it when I tell her that I love her.  I want her to know that she can trust me, and I earn that trust by following through in what I say I will follow through with.

In all relationships, there are things that we wish we didn’t have to follow through on.  Of course, in adult relationships, you aren’t teaching your partner about how to behave in the same way you would be with your child.  You are however, teaching them about your world and how to behave toward you. The goal is similar: you want your partner to learn that they can trust you, take you seriously, believe that you mean what you say.  Just as a parent knows that they can survive their child’s tantrum, a person who is being true to themselves in relationship knows that they can survive breaking up with a partner who doesn’t like the terms.  If you don’t know that you can survive a child’s tantrum, you end up accommodating all sorts of crazy behavior from your child.  If you don’t know that you can survive a breakup, you accommodate crazy behavior from your partner.  Rather than doling out threats and ultimatums in the hopes that they will be enough to make your partner act the way you wish, take a deep look at what scares you about following through with those threats and ultimatums.  You’ll find out a lot about yourself, and if you can face those fears, you will have a much more honest and fulfilling relationship.