Comments for Life & Therapy

Comment on Dealing with the Silent Treatment by Susan

Susan — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 16:55:49 +0000

Correction: we dont run together…..we run a business together

Comment on Dealing with the Silent Treatment by Susan

Susan — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 16:54:27 +0000

I have been married going on 15 yrs and my husband still plays the silent treatment game with me. We run together ,have two children and have a house and huge yard to take care of. I am exhausted. If I have any time for myself it is late at night after everyone goes to bed. I have to go to my husband to spend time together he does not approach me anymore… if i do not approach enough then he goes in to silent time. It is the same fight overt and over not enoughg sex. There are times where i wake him late and he says it is too late to spend time together so I go do my thing. I do a lot of work from my lap top so I am always on it day and night so I work on laptop throught the night. Sex during the day is bad because we have so many people in and out of our house because of our business we run. It is also bad in the morning becuase our kids are around. We have taken small weekend trips but it seems like the first two days together we fight and still do the silent treatment then eventually spend the evening of hot passionate sex. We make up say we will work on it andf try harder then boom in a couple days or a week we are right back to the same darn fight. I do not know how to fix it. I am only one person pulled in all different directions. I am glad I ran into this site because one, I am glad there are others in same situation and two, I really never saw it as emotional abuse but i guess it is.

Comment on Why do People Give the Silent Treatment? by lihua

lihua — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 15:22:01 +0000

Thank you… Indeed a good post! It helps me much and reduces my pain a lot.

I am fighting against silent treatment given by my partner ..Now it has been 3 weeks and so touturing for me.. I don’t know where to turn to and just helpless..

Thanks again..

Li Hua

Comment on Dealing with the Silent Treatment by ted

ted — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 03:07:01 +0000

Matt, I totally understand what you are going through. I have been dealing with the same thing and it is extremely frustrating. I always apologize or try to discuss the situation with my wife who never apologizes about anything. I just want to wish you luck and tell you to stay strong buddy.

Comment on More on The Silent Treatment by Debi

Debi — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 18:29:59 +0000

These writings have helped me tremendously to know that I am not alone. My husband of 25 years has always “blamed me” for so many, many things. Then won’t talk. This last time he went 27 days. I drank for many years, following in my dad’s footsteps and so I believed all the awful things he said about me. Now I am sober (2 years) and have stopped playing his game just recently. I am also withholding part of my paycheck so he does not have control over my earnings. I opened my own checking account about a year ago. One step to independence. We have 3 teenage daughters and he works nights so sleeps in the office. I know he is punishing me and has been for years. I just accepted it. It takes two. If only I worked harder on the marriage, if only I did this, if only………It never changed a thing. Abuse is abuse and an abuser in denial won’t change. So, I’m finally getting help for myself and going to counseling this week. I ordered a book on setting boundaries. Any other input?!

Comment on Dealing with the Silent Treatment by sassy

sassy — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 11:34:32 +0000

My husband of 5 years has been giving me the silent treatment for the past two weeks. We have 4 kids together. We’re having problems in our marriage. This is how he deals with things every time there is a problem. It’s very painful to bear when he treats me this way. I tried talking to him about it. And he said he just has nothing to say and that he is under stress. A week ago, I told him that his silence drives me crazy. No response from him and his behavior has not changed. It’s very depressing living like this. I don’t have much of a support system either! Whereas he goes to spend time with his family.
I read in the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” that men do this sometimes. Here’s what the book says:
“When faced with tough problems, men become non-communicative so they can work out how best to help themselves, while women become communicative so that others can work out how best to help them. Men periodically bolt for cover when they suddenly fear that their self-sufficiency is becoming threatened. At these times they may become utterly unapproachable, demanding the right to be left on their own and to be allowed not to express their feelings, but if given support by being afforded space for a little while, they will soon feel better and spring back into their usual loving selves once again. It can be hard for women to handle the suddenness and speed with which men bolt for cover, and then subsequently spring back.”
Knowing this information doesn’t make the behavior any less painful.
Both husband and I are seeing individual counselors right now and hope to start marriage counseling soon within a few weeks. She told me just yesterday that I should just leave him alone for a few days. I am going to try this and see what happens. I will also not sulk or show him in any way that he is getting to me. Let’s see what happens.

Comment on Mind-Reading, Guessing Games, and Communication Breakdowns in Relationships by Cindy

Cindy — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 15:09:06 +0000

I am also in a relationship where I am always on the end of the silent treatment. It has been two years of on and off breaking up and getting back together. He complains that we can’t get out of our “circle” or I guess he means the cycle we are in. But the funny thing is he blames it all on me. I am grateful to read the stories on here and know that I am not the “lunatic” he calls me. Every time we have the slightest argument his silence will go on for days at a time. Sometimes it’s shorter but when it happens it triggers something in me….anger and frustration as everyone has described and I will lash out at him through calls and texts…none of them are ever responded to. The more I do it the more he is silent. So our “circle” as he calls it is because of his silent treatment yet I get blamed for it. The one difference in my story is that I will accuse him of being with another woman when he disappears on me and gives me the silent treatment, which of course makes everything so much worse. I just get angry and maybe I want to punish him the way he is punishing me with his silence. Anyway, I am going to try so hard not to fall into this pattern anymore….not give him what he wants by trying to get him to talk. Currently, we are broken up but he texted me last night about a movie that was on. So I am guessing he’ll be back again and when he is I have to commit to not falling into his silent treatment trap. He is looking for me to grovel and apologize and feel like I am in the wrong so he can feel the power. It’s time I took back some power. I just wish it wasn’t so damn hard.

Comment on Dealing with the Silent Treatment by Krys

Krys — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 19:53:18 +0000

My husband has been using the silent treatment against me for the enitre duration of our 5 year marriage and even before that. The most common reason is when I don’t have sex with him. We have a four-year-old, I have two jobs, and do the majority of cooking and cleaning so I’m often exhausted at night and fall asleep without even realizing it, even though I try to make sure we have sex at least 3 times a week because I hate the silent treatment.

When he is angry with me, he gets up in the morning, ignores me while we are getting dressed, says good-bye to our son, but not to me, and doesn’t call me all day (when he usually calls me 3 times a day at work). In the past I have tried calling him and begging and pleading even to the point of tears for him to tell me what’s wrong, or to try to discuss the problem with him. I only get one-word replies, or he says he has work to do and doesn’t have time for my drama. He’s even hung up on me and ignored my calls. If I try to talk to him while he’s watching TV, he turns up the volume or he stares into space and makes me feel like I’m talking to a wall. It is extremely humiliating and it hurts me deeply, even after 5 years. In addition, when I try to initiate sex after that, he rejects me. I think it makes him feel good to make me feel unwanted – I guess the way he feels when he doesn’t get sex from me, right?

We’ve had several discussions when we’re both calm (with me doing most of the talking) where I try to illustrate to him how destructive and emotionally abusive his behaviour is, and how it doesn’t help things one bit. If he wants more sex, how is treating me like crap going to solve that problem? Like the previous poster, I now handle things differently. When he ignores me, that gives me lots of time to myself to do anything I want to do. I basically treat him the way I treat my four-year-old. The silent treatment is simply another version of a tantrum, a way to manipulate me to get what he wants, and just like I ignore my toddler’s tantrums, I will ignore his. It is a great weight off my shoulders to talk about this.

Comment on Dealing with the Silent Treatment by Bulliont

Bulliont — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 17:09:12 +0000

My oartner has been giving me the silent treatment for the vast majority of our relationship and it lasts from between 2 and 3 weeks, during which time she doen’t share a bed with me or feed me. It usually ends with her packing her bags and me pleading wth her to tell me what I’ve done nd convincing her to stay convincing her to stay. We have great make up sex. This happens about 6 times year,

Sometimes I fnd out what I’ve done and this is usually something trival llike giving the kids sandwiches without a plate (she hates doing the dishes) or when she went out to a party and arrived home early, I commented that I wasn’t expecting her home so early.

When asked why she didn’t tell me that I had done something to upset her at the time, she says t’s because I am too defensive in my responses. She also accuses me of abusive and controlling behaviour towards beacuse of the toneof my voice, her intepretatios of what I do and what she thinks I mght do. We have 3 children, twoof whom are mine.

Comment on Wanting The Person Who Hurt You to Hurt As Much As You Do by HURTING AND REJECTED

HURTING AND REJECTED — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 14:13:45 +0000

WE ARE MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS AND MY HUSBAND ACCUSED ME OF CHEATING I DID NOT AND DID EVERYTHING INCLUDING A LIE DETECTOR TEST TO PROVE HE WAS WRONG.
i HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE SILENT TREATMENT FOR 10 YEARS AND NOW WE ARE VERABLLY ABUSIVE, BOTH OF US ..FOR ME ITS FOR ATTENTION..
THERE IS NO REASON FOR THIS SILENT TREATMENT, ITS JUST, I AM ALWAYS WRONG ACCORDING TO MY HUSBAND….
WE HAVE NO CONVERSATION….WE HAVE NO SEX BECAUSE, HE SAYS I DON’T DO IT HIS WAY….. YES I WANT OUT, I AM AFRAID, THIS TIME I FED INTO HIS SILENT TREATMENT……….AND HE HAS THE WRONG KIND OF CONTROL, ITS A HARD TRAP TO BREAK FREE OF BUT I WANT TO BE FREE OF THIS ABUSE…………